Apathy and no direction in life

[DecemberFlower]

Hello everyone. So I have been on this forum for 2 years I got many ideas from Leos videos and people advices here but my life still sucks a lot. I have been meditating and doing inquiry for few years had some glimpses of higher consciousness but overall it didnt stick too much either because I am not doing it intensly enough or because my other life areas are not going well.. I still have no basic direction or purpose in life..I didnt finish college after losing 7 years there I had long time battling depression and apathy which probably stopped me from finishing college but anyway I dont mind it so much since i wasnt really interested in what i was studying for I was just going cause I thought it will be a good well payed job. I am in 3 year relationship with a girl whom I met online and we clicked however we are from different countries which makes it quite hard to keep up. Me and her are quite similar in character however after watching lots of Leo s content i started having desire for my life to become better and I dont see her sharing the same perspective on life as me.She is my first serious relationship and beside her I dont have much experience with girls. 
I am scared to end our relationship cause i think my apathy will get back even worse then before and I am already 30 and really dont have a lot of time to fuck around anymore with my life however I just feel so paralyzed with not knowing in which direction to turn and what to do... I think i filled my head with huge ammount of Leos ideas but few of them actually got immplemted seriously. 
I think my main issue is a huge victim mind set and lack of self esteem and self love which caused my apathy and also a lot of social awkwardness or fear
I hope someone might offer and advice where to turn or what might be the most effective way to resolve this issues.
Sorry if post sounds too incoherent but english is not my native language. 

 

[AlwaysJoggin]

I’m also suffering from “this” no interest in anything job related or any college program i scroll pass every college program and job in my country and I don’t like anything so what do i want? it’ll like what ever I’m not interested I’m interested in competition! only i view life as a competition I’m very open minded but (I can’t help how my brain sees the world) i like buying clothes and looking good because Its a competition i want to win in not looking bad i go workout and do boxing because if I don’t do these things i “lose” i don’t know what i lose but i feel like i lose! ,want to win in life, get money, get strong and never not being able to buy anything i need. I am gambling addict I’m trying to quit now but my life view also reason I’m addict and bad gambler every time i lose i go all out again and can’t think and then i lose i get hurt i quit. 
 

sounds like I’m stage yellow but I don’t believe so despite all that the person i am that only my self knoes in not stage yellow despite i love material. im non judging i help people I’m calm and i try my best to grow my love but still I’m all that too. Spiral dynamics is not linear I discovered from my self. You see it’s infinite there are infinite stages in between every stage so on
 

It’s ok if you feel lost keep practicing meditation also practice to accept who you are and don’t judge yourself and let go i try to do that and it’s helping me because if I don’t. Its hard hard to have this conflict with yourself. It’s all good who cares you don’t look apon a purpose? social pressure maybe?  Because ohh look you need a purpose because look everyone os doing something go do something it’s not that simple there is a reason you don’t like some things and like other things. How you grew up, your parents, your genetics, your country, your financial statues. Well dam that’s how eveybody is different some people don’t do purpose and view it how others do. Good luck all I’m trying to say is it’s ok you will eventually find your way  

 

 

 

Edited December 11, 2020 by AlwaysJoggin

[Origins]

@DecemberFlower Yeah totally obvious you don't have autobiographical connection. How well do you remember your history? How well have you analysed your patterns?

My guess is almost zero percent relative to your potential, otherwise you literally would NEVER have made this post. Do this. Please. For your own sake. That'll fix your problem.

Let me know if you need further advice there.

Edited December 12, 2020 by Origins

[Leo Nordin]

Try to live in the moment more, then your mind has nothing to be depressed or feeling down about. Here is what you need to do:

Realize you are not your thoughts and imagination, you can think, you can imagine, but you cannot be your thoughts or your imagination. You are also not your body, one second you are aware of a bodily sensation next you are not. So you are not your mind nor your body, all you are is what you create. If you don't create you sleep, and in sleep you experience death every night. Your mind is all over the place and should not be blindly trusted, you believe so many things about yourself which are not true. Your body is easier to work with. So this is what you need to do:

First you distance yourself from being your mind, you don't try to stop thinking or imagening, you let it happen but distance or rather redirect your awareness to your body. You also should not focus your awareness in an intense manner, if you loose energy after a while you are definitely doing something wrong, loosen the grip. 

Now you should know that all your thoughts and emotions actually manifests themselves in your body. One day you may realise emotions are just jucier thoughts, thoughts are very subtle, that's why emotions are the easiest to feel in the body. 

If you have done and achieved these steps you should be aware of that which is called creation. Now how you create can be done in many ways. 

When you try to control creation, you are just limiting your potential, life can manifest itself in infinite ways but you choose to try to control it. See if you can let go of controlling the actions of your mind and the sensations in your body then life will manifest itself in the way it wants to. Let your mind do whatever it wants to, it will keep/make itself joyfull, or whatever feeling you actually desire. Moving your body is what we call action, it takes and doesn't create energy to this this. That is why awakened masters don't have a discriminate mind but the action we perform is done in a discriminate manner. 

So you wondered what to do with your life, see you just do whatever the hell you want to do. As long as you can handle the consequence of that action in a joyfull manner. If you have one day in the future with my earlier advise awakened then you can be joyfull by yourself. So why do any action on this world, why not become enlightened? Sitting in ecstasy untill you leave this life. Because you open your eyes and see a man suffering in front of you, isn't it natural that you such a joyfull being will naturally do whatever you can to help him achieve wonderfulness. You wouldn't have to think about it, ohh I am going to do what is needed in the world, I am going to make this universe amazing, no no that is what we call the ego. You just look and you feel feel an urge to do something, you will then do whatever you can. This is what a guru is. He doesn't think his way through life, he lives his way through life. Have you ever considered yourself lazy? Then you are just not doing what you actually want to do, so I am telling you to do what you want to do.

Ofcourse survival and making enough income has to be taken care of so do that but don't make to much out of it. Also if you live the way I described you flow with excistance, when hunger comes you eat, when low energy is the case you rest... Energy is the third part of existence, there is the body, the mind and energy. Energy determines the extent that you are alive. This is why action should be done in the direction with least resistance. So your work should be something that you can manage without draining yourself too much. 

 

This might be a little too much for you excuse me for that. Telling you to awaken, know enlightenment and the ways of creation the action of sacrificing some of the enlightenment ecstasy to do what is needed in the world around your life. Still for me this story is beautiful, gurus are so beautiful, when I recently heard osho had been posioned in a horrific manner before death, I cried. Jesus, Buddha people tried to assassinate those who knew life to its fullest, the outmost evolved human being, who did so much for the world. And are still alive in peoples teachings today, beautiful. 

[Megan Alecia]

Check out my YouTube account there's some stuff about apathy there. You just got to know your real priorities and focus on them. That's what living is all about, as far as I can tell

[Nobody_Here]

On 12/10/2020 at 6:21 PM, AlwaysJoggin said:

only i view life as a competition I’m very open minded but (I can’t help how my brain sees the world) i like buying clothes and looking good because Its a competition i want to win in not looking bad i go workout and do boxing because if I don’t do these things i “lose” i don’t know what i lose but i feel like i lose! ,want to win in life, get money, get strong and never not being able to buy anything i need.

That sounds more closed Orange than Yellow. A person/culture in Yellow would be more along the lines of, "Every day, I go to work and build this beautiful system and fight the chaos that wants to destroy it. Why people want to destroy my beautiful system is beyond me." Yellow would exercise to improve health, which increases the efficacy to build this system. They're not in it to win it (although winning is fun!) as much as they are in it to create it. To Yellow, winning means winning the chance to build more systems. This is a bit of a stereotype but I think you get the idea. 

Here are resources for gambling addiction: Link

[Nobody_Here]

@DecemberFlower

Two years of personal growth work is actually not a very long time. I've been working on myself since I was 16 (after my only suicide attempt) and I didn't really see the best results until maybe a few years ago (age 37). I'm 39 now.  Don't worry -- I'm not saying it will take you 20+ years to see results; I also had some serious health problems to attend to. What I am saying is that you will be working on yourself the rest of your life (as we all should be) as there is always something to work on. 

That said, I think what you are getting at, that your girlfriend is no longer a good fit for you, is a sign of major progress. Your intuition is telling you to move on, which is very scary since this is your first relationship. However, it's very natural in the process of personal development for your life to turn upside down and look like you're going backward when what is actually happening is that you're making major progress. It just doesn't look like it right now as you don't have much in the physical world to show for it yet. If your intuition is telling you it's time to move on, I would do it before life forces you to have a painful breakup. Life has a way of moving you when you don't want to move. 

Someone asked me earlier today how to tell the difference between fear and intuition. It's a skill set that gets better over time, but my rule of thumb is if the voice in your head is making you upset (angry, nervous, etc.) it's fear/ego. If it is calming you down, even if it's bad news, it's intuition.

You can always go back to college and finish if you like. You can learn a trade. You can start a YouTube channel. I think your intuition is on point like it is with your girlfriend -- you're 30 now and it's time to grow up and start doing the adulting thing. This is actually where I was 9 years ago, so congratulations. I'm not even saying it will take you 9 years, I can't guarantee a time frame. What I am saying is to follow your intuition. Your path will look weird and unpredictable to some, but your intuition will take you on the right path, and potentially the most direct one. 

Good luck with everything, and keep us updated on your progress. 

[AlwaysJoggin]

@Nobody_Here yes sorry I actually meant Orange not yellow, got them confused lol. 
i am aware I’m stuck here atm also recovering from gambling addiction gonna take a while fir me to make any mental shifts. 

[Waken]

Lately whenever I write something here, it is pretty much always the same. But for me it seems like the best thing I've come across, and I'm pretty sure it will help you with whatever things feel challenging.
The thing is just to focus on things that feel good to you. Just ask, what would feel best for me to do now? Or what of the things I can do now has most enthusiasm/excitement/joy/love/curiosity/attraction/feelinggood in it? Maybe it's taking a walk, taking a shower, reading a book, calling someone, creating something, etc. In my understanding of it:
that will lead you to whatever things, places and people you need most. In that approach there is no need for worries about money, relationships, or whatever because that will all come on its own. Just focus on feeling good and all good will come to you. Your higher mind/inner being will guide you by giving you impulses, inspirations, excitements, etc.
You can't fail using this approach. It's easy, it's fun, it's loving, it's joyous, it's expansive, it's you