Dealing with death of my mom

[Yuliya]

I am 24 years old and my mom was 57 and raised me by herself. She loved me with every inch of her being and we were very close. She got covid at the end of october that quickly progressed into pneumonia and ended up killing her. I feel extremely guilty for living an hour away for the last 2 years of her life, I feel guilty for not knowing when to take her to the hospital, for the fact that she was there for me all my life, but I wasn't with her when she was dying alone in the hospital (they didn't let me in). I feel hurt by the pain and discomfort she felt as if I went through it too. I don't know how to go on knowing that I will never feel that kind of love from anyone again. I don't know where she is now or what she is thinking. I also got covid 2 weeks after she died and I am totally fine now, which seems unfair. It doesn't make me feel better to think that she died and merged with the universe, because that means her amazing loving personality is gone forever. I just don't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for this and I wish I spent more time with her and was overprotective, maybe I could have saved her. How do I look at this from a different perspective and make myself feel better? I feel so alone and scared without her. I also have ptsd from all the nights I got calls from the hospital with bad news and when I saw her after she died, lifeless and cold in her hospital bed. 

Edited December 9, 2020 by Yuliya

[mandyjw]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Watch the thoughts about the "should have" guilt and don't buy into it. You are 24 years old, busy living and exploring and building your life, this was totally unexpected. There's nothing you could have done differently. Your mom loved you very much and would want more than anything for you to have peace when you remember her, not guilt.

When someone passes away, this is absolutely key, look for what IS there, not what is missing. This is how you get the peace from the "merged with the universe" thing. It takes time. You are used to looking for her and connecting with her in a certain way and now it's like you must learn to speak another language. Nothing is truly lost. You were never truly disconnected when she gave birth to you, and you were never really disconnected when she passed on. I know that's mind boggling, but when you really open to it, there's an incredible reassurance that floods in that will just take you off at the knees sometimes. Losing someone you love who was close to you is like being thrown into the spiritual realm like a baby bird being kicked out of the nest. When we were kids and we lost pets and they told us "oh honey, he's in the sky now" they really weren't being simplistic or wrong, but it's not JUST the sky, it's everything and it even has the habit of showing itself in very obvious ways sometimes. There is a kind of communication and synchronicity the universe uses to let us know nothing is ever really lost. It's a language of love, not a language of loss and if you're only speaking and hearing the language of loss you won't hear or see it. You are love, made of love as was she, and this is so entirely all weaved out of love that we forget and fall into the matrix that we ourselves weaved. Love is not something you can ever lose, it's the only real true part of us that never dies. 

So celebrate her. Appreciate her. Appreciate the sky and the beauty around you. Don't believe any thoughts that say otherwise or project out into the future or say anything about should have, loss or guilt. 

I just finished this book and absolutely loved it. It deals with the real approach to death beautifully. It might help you find the new perspective you're looking for.  https://www.amazon.com/Mister-God-This-Anna-Friendship/dp/0345327225/ref=sr_1_1?crid=GJW6SCVDZD5Z&dchild=1&keywords=mister+god+this+is+anna&qid=1607557988&sprefix=mister+god+this+is+anna%2Caps%2C824&sr=8-1

"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle is another absolutely amazing one. 

If you're open to law of attraction type teachings check out Abraham Hick's videos on youtube about grief. Her very unique approach to looking at death is what completely changed my perspective on death when I lost my Grandmother. Strange and incredibly beautiful experiences ensued.  

Sending you love and light. 

[SourceCodo]

I am so sorry for your loss and the grief is so hard to overcome... But you will be able to do it eventually, take this time for the mourning of your mother and celebrate her life. 
 

I think the most motivating thing you could do is imagine what kind of life you would want for a child of your own if you were to pass. It takes bravery but if you can manage it, that may be powerful. 
 

This is just my opinion, but It would surely be a self actualized and embracer of life. Someone who built themselves up and overcame grief and life’s obstacles to find happiness after losing a mother. Perhaps someone who is very happy but allows a range of emotions as a fact of life. 
 

If anything, Just remember she would want you to be happy. ?❤️

Edited December 10, 2020 by SourceCodo

[Preety_India]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. May God Bless Her and Rest in Peace. 

I felt guilty when my father died and I was  young and I didn't know how to handle it. It was the single greatest disaster in my life. 

You need to understand that things happen in vicious ways and we have no choice in the grand scheme of things. 

All we can do is pray and want peace for the ones we love. 

I hope you find peace within yourself. Make peace with her soul.. She knows you loved her. She is not hurt. She is glad you are on this earth. 

Please don't break apart. Stay Strong. 

Prayers. ❤️?

 

[Yuliya]

On 12/9/2020 at 6:23 PM, mandyjw said:

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Watch the thoughts about the "should have" guilt and don't buy into it. You are 24 years old, busy living and exploring and building your life, this was totally unexpected. There's nothing you could have done differently. Your mom loved you very much and would want more than anything for you to have peace when you remember her, not guilt.

When someone passes away, this is absolutely key, look for what IS there, not what is missing. This is how you get the peace from the "merged with the universe" thing. It takes time. You are used to looking for her and connecting with her in a certain way and now it's like you must learn to speak another language. Nothing is truly lost. You were never truly disconnected when she gave birth to you, and you were never really disconnected when she passed on. I know that's mind boggling, but when you really open to it, there's an incredible reassurance that floods in that will just take you off at the knees sometimes. Losing someone you love who was close to you is like being thrown into the spiritual realm like a baby bird being kicked out of the nest. When we were kids and we lost pets and they told us "oh honey, he's in the sky now" they really weren't being simplistic or wrong, but it's not JUST the sky, it's everything and it even has the habit of showing itself in very obvious ways sometimes. There is a kind of communication and synchronicity the universe uses to let us know nothing is ever really lost. It's a language of love, not a language of loss and if you're only speaking and hearing the language of loss you won't hear or see it. You are love, made of love as was she, and this is so entirely all weaved out of love that we forget and fall into the matrix that we ourselves weaved. Love is not something you can ever lose, it's the only real true part of us that never dies. 

So celebrate her. Appreciate her. Appreciate the sky and the beauty around you. Don't believe any thoughts that say otherwise or project out into the future or say anything about should have, loss or guilt. 

I just finished this book and absolutely loved it. It deals with the real approach to death beautifully. It might help you find the new perspective you're looking for.  https://www.amazon.com/Mister-God-This-Anna-Friendship/dp/0345327225/ref=sr_1_1?crid=GJW6SCVDZD5Z&dchild=1&keywords=mister+god+this+is+anna&qid=1607557988&sprefix=mister+god+this+is+anna%2Caps%2C824&sr=8-1

"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle is another absolutely amazing one. 

If you're open to law of attraction type teachings check out Abraham Hick's videos on youtube about grief. Her very unique approach to looking at death is what completely changed my perspective on death when I lost my Grandmother. Strange and incredibly beautiful experiences ensued.  

Sending you love and light. 

Thank you so much for your advice, it really helps

[Barbara]

I’m so sorry to hear that. I wish you all the love and strength in the world ?

[Mannyb]

Dear Yuliya,

“Two objects can never meet. Two people can never meet. What we call a meeting or a relationship is only the shining of this shared love. It is my experience that when a loved one departs, love shines even more brightly that usual. All that remains is the pure love in which and as which we truly meet.

The same is true of the great parting called death. The apparent other is no longer outside. They now reside in our heart as pure love, which is in fact where they always resided. Why would one feel sorrow or regret in such a case? The particular means of celebrating that love that we had become accustomed to over the years may no longer be available, but the love itself will be present and available as always.

In fact, death is simply the dissolution of an object, a person, in its source and substance, which is love. So death is not the problem. It is identifying ourself as an object, as a fragment, and thereby identifying another as an object or fragment, which seems to obscure this ever-present, all-pervading love.

Our friend is the face of this love. Their parting is the great gift of love to itself, as was their presence. Death and love are one and the same, but from two different points of view. Death is for the person what love is for the self. Therefore, we never lose a friend.”

- Rupert Spira

You are not suffering, my beloved. What you’re actually feeling is the immensity of absolute universal love. Namaste ❤️ 

 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Mannyb

[Mu_]

@Yuliya Im sorry you had to go through such things.  It may take time to feel through all this.  Take time to mourn and send your mom love and appreciating of all you guys shared and went through.  Go through all the moments you shared and say thank you to her and life.   Cry all you need, but don't blame yourself or others in this process (including life).  This will help in the healing process.

[Someone here]

@Yuliya you are going to make me cry. I totally feel you and I'm sorry you are going through this. My advice is don't suppress your emotions or feelings. Let it all out and cry as hard as you can. You are not supposed to be tough this is a lie. It's natural to experience sadness when you are supposed to. 

Secondly comes acceptance. Sometimes the reality is so harsh it seems impossible to accept but this is life. You have no idea how adaptive you are. You have the capacity to accept everything. People when they get cancer they freak out at first then they accept. Some people lose their whole family they get sucidal at first. Eventually you accept. You accept everything. You will get upset for a while. Doesn't matter if it's short or long. Then you will accept and move on. 

Edited December 15, 2020 by Someone here

[Nahm]

So sorry to hear. What a tragic loss at such a tender age. My advice in regard to feeling better would be to listen to feeling. If thoughts of guilt don’t feel good, don’t assume we are supposed to feel bad in that way. There is obviously great loss and mourning, but listen closely to feeling when it comes to thoughts and suffering. Don’t distance yourself from the love within, it is there we are never lost, never separate, prior to our lifetimes. I realize that may mean very little right now, but I hope there is some relief, some peace for you. The world is hurting in a big way, much bigger than any one of us. None of what has transpired is your fault in any way. If you’re interested in a read, Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani comes to mind. It is a very beautiful book from her direct experiences in regard to life and death, and could be the different perspectives you’re looking for.  Love & hugs my friend. ?

[PurpleTree]

So sorry to hear that.

That's like my worst nightmare too.

[Waken]

Wishing you the best man! Just wanted to mention the book 'journey of souls' from Michael Newton. He described about 20-30 conversations with his clients with who he did something like regression therapy. It describes what happens after death to a soul and could ease your pain a bit. Just wanted to mention for in case you would be interested in that.

[hyruga]

Hope this will help.

 

[Loving Radiance]

@Yuliya I feel with you and I'm sending lots of love to you. ? Her love is the most precious, keep that in your heart.

 

Out of curiosity, if you don't mind me asking: Do you have a meditation practice?

[Red-White-Light]

@Yuliya You'll need counselling to get over the trauma, and you must go through grief. Grief happens differently for different people. But through that process you will emotionally heal, and you will have a greater appreciation of life. Just know that her love will always be with you; a mother's love never dies.

Edited December 24, 2020 by Red-White-Light

[Hardkill]

Oh god! I am am so sorry for your loss Yuliya. I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through or how you are processing all of this. My heart truly goes out to you. This has been arguably the worst year for millions of people around the world like yourself. If there is anything you need, then please let me know and I will try to help.

Also, have you sought out intense therapy?

[Yuliya]

@Loving Radiance I tried meditation a couple times, but was never able to do it consistently. 

[Yuliya]

@Hardkill Thank you. I have not sought out therapy yet because the day my mom died our medical insurance was canceled. I got obamacare for 2021 for myself and hopefully I could get some help soon. I have gone to 3 different therapists over the years just to help me with some anxiety and they were all useless so I'm not sure how I can find someone that can help with this. 

[Loving Radiance]

@Yuliya  Do you feel good (resting, peaceful) in meditation?

 

13 minutes ago, Yuliya said:

I have gone to 3 different therapists over the years just to help me with some anxiety and they were all useless so I'm not sure how I can find someone that can help with this.

Therapists are different. If you really feel called to get into therapy, then drop judging therapists by the previous ones you had.

On a side note, was your anxiety completely unchanged (as to them being "useless")?

[hyruga]

Don't think. Don't overthink. Just do your work. Don't think.

Alternatively, you can tell us more on what happened. Tell us your emotions. Let them come out. We won't judge. 

I am an Asian living in an Asian country. Why would I judge?