Confronting Death - Memento Mori

[Preety_India]

How many times did I feel like I was going to die? 

 

Edited December 10, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I think it happened many many times. 

It happened when I was 14, and I had to confront the death(or murder) of my pet. 

Then I had to confront the death of my father shortly after. 

I remember being suicidal at 17.

 

I remember being suicidal and doing self harm at 21. 

I remember being beaten up by my mom and being suicidal 

I remember being suicidal in 2015 in September when I was very lonely and I decided to give up. I converted to Christianity. 

2016 is when I start recording diaries.. Like 10 diaries full. 

 

Mid 2016 is where I have all these big arguments with my second boyfriend. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

From July 2016 to December 2016, I'm literally going through hell.. 

I'm suffering too much. 

I finally break up with him around in 2017 February and then once again in 2017 July. I finally tell Mr Bud to confront my family regarding marriage which he doesn't. 

That's when I confront him. This is somewhere in 2017 May/ June /July. 

Bud got married this year during the pandemic probably in JUNE 2020..it came as a shocker because he would always tell me that he would be single for me. 

Because of my low memory (due to PTSD) I Just don't remember anything. 

So I need to document everything lest I forget. 

 

[Preety_India]

I was going through depression in months following breaking up with Bud in July 2017.... 

This time I'm in the US. 

September is when I meet Joseph. 

Am I suicidal during this time? 

No.. 

And I think 2017 was an upbeat year. I wasn't suicidal at this time. 

Was I suicidal in 2016? 

I spent this whole year 2016  writing a ton of stuff. 

I remember watching the elections. 

I remember acting like an immature idiot and telling people to vote for Trump. 

I remember praising Trump in 2017.

I was a great Trump supporter in both 2016 and 2017.

 

[Preety_India]

I'm remember having joined a website in 2017 around February and then quitting the website in August the same year because I felt bullied by a girl and I felt humiliated. 

Next I join a dark sleazy website I'll call it  SlezzeDom. 

I was on SlezzeDom from August, 2017 because I simply  wanted to troll the shit out of stage Green people on the internet. 

I remember suffering huge level of cyber bullying from August to December 2017.

This is also the time I meet Joseph and things are very crazy and very sexual during this time. 

But what happened in early 2017. 

 

I was in the hospital confronting death once again in late 2016 that is December 2016. 

That's when I was deciding that I had to stop being with Bud. Because he had taken me straight to death with his egoic battles. 

Before this, the time when I felt like I was dying was in January /February 2015....bad time.. I was in a coma. 

I was in a coma for several weeks. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

After coming out of coma, I was trying to recover from March 2015 to June 2015. 

I had a big fight with Bud in May 2015 when I confronted him why he wouldn't make any marriage plans and he was being flippant. 

I was very lonely in this time. 

July 2015..August 2015.September 2015 

These three months I was in severe depression and loneliness from the trauma of coma and helplessness and fights with Bud, severe social anxiety. 

I downspiraled..

And it was late August and early September 2015 that I dropped to my knees and I decided I had to end my life 

 

[Preety_India]

I got the news in September 2015 that my mom would be returning from United States. 

That's when I began to feel less lonely.. 

Once she came back from US, I focused on writing my diaries.. 

I was preparing my diaries in late 2015. 

That is around December 2015. 

Early 2016, I had already finished a book 

I was too busy and thrilled but very hard working from January 2016 to July 2016. 

 

[Preety_India]

The rest of the year in order 2016 went in me having fights with my second bf and it was a tough time mentally and emotionally. 

I knew something was up between me and him.. The fights were intense. He would keep pushing my buttons. Call me names. Act crazy 

I didn't want him. I collapsed in the bathroom on November 26, 2016.

After that I was admitted in the hospital 

The stress had gone to my brain and my heart was affected. My liver suffered damage because of the shot of blood through it. 

When  I was back home after a week I was recuperating from my liver injury. 

That's when I decided I had to be done with him for good. 

I broke up the following month but I continued talking to him. It was my birthday month, February 2016, and he got me a gift to assure me that he still loved me. 

I wasn't having it 

I spent the entire time of early 2017 from one hospital to another because they weren't able to confirm my liver diagnosis. 

I had several doctor visits each month from January to May. Every visit was a misdiagnosis or a disappointment. 

I was told to get a cancer test. I was cleared 

Then I was again rotated between many hospitals and doctors. 

My mom was with me during this time. My boyfriend wasn't. He would always say he was busy even when it was holidays on Sundays even when it would hardly be an hour trip to the hospital. 

He just didn't want to help me in any way. 

I remembered how I used to help him whenever he needed anything and how he appropriately ignored me when I needed help. 

Always busy? Like what? Busy for 4 months and not finding one day to help me to the hospital when I'm in terrible distress?????? 

Who wants this kind of a helpless manipulative boyfriend who only cares about himself and doesn't give a damn if I lived or died??? 

My mom said to me "I'm always accompanying you, so where's your boyfriend when you need him? What a boyfriend you have?" 

I had enough of his excuses and his tantrums. He only wanted me when he wanted and needed sex or money. 

No thanks. I broke up in July that year (2017)..... I was done with him for good. 

It was a relief from his constant bickerings about me not calling him. He would have nothing nice to say whenever I called. 

He was using me as his entertainment puppy. 

Such men want everything from you, but they never give love. Heartless. 

 

 

That same year I met Joseph at a grocery store. This was September 

I felt good for the first time in my life. 

[Preety_India]

2017 - not suicidal 

2018 - not suicidal. 

2019 - nope. (this was the year of friction between me and my mom and had it and decided to move out for good) 

Early 2020 I was suicidal again after having many fights with my mom. 

Andrew was in my life. She didn't like him. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

The January month of each year have always been challenging for me. 

That's why I feel a sense of dread whenever a year comes to an end. 

I never know what's waiting. 

January 2012 was depressing. 

January 2013  - severe illness and bedridden 

January 2014  - on medication for depression 

 

January 2015 - in coma 

 

January 2016 - writing journal begins  private diaries 

 

January 2017 - liver damage and multiple trips to hospitals 

 

January 2018  - sudden changes in Joseph. He becomes homeless for the first time and I'm thrown in chaos 

 

January 2019 - I contemplate breakup with Joseph, I gain weight because of emotional stress.. My health problems begin to gradually flare up once again because of emotional stress. 

 

January 2020 - I move out of my home but move back in for some time because the water situation in the new home was very bad. Too many fights with my mom. A new love Andrew. Lots of chaos. My ex Mr Bud contacts me again to be friends with him. I tell him I'm done forever. I feel helpless 

 

January 2021 - maybe peace finally?? Who knows 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Confronting Death (myself, others) /Suicide has been a recurrent theme in my life. 

Generally whenever I came too close to death or dying (I've come close to death many times, sometimes I do get anxieties that I might die early, other times I feel good because life is meaningless anyway with so many hardships and little love) I had great revelations 

Death or dying is not just death. It's a revelation of a deeper truth. For me every opportunity of a truce with death was an opportunity to realize some truth about my life. 

Often times it was merely an indication that my body fought very hard to just live and that body/mind /heart /soul  took in way too much than it was equipped for.