Age difference in a relationships

[BornToBoil]

My younger sister (19) is currently in a relationship with a guy who is 37. I am trying to be open minded and all but I am still a bit concerned about this, especially since I am the only one who knows about their relationship because she doesn't what to tell anyone else from our family (it would be a suicide if she did, lol).

As far as a guy is concerned he seems to be nice. He is an english teacher and they share lots of common interests like meditation, yoga, chakras and stuff. I haven't met him in person, but I saw his pictures and he doesn't look like a sociopath serial killer, lol.

The only shady thing that I've noticed is that they met on tinder and he lied about his age in his profile and didn't confess for like a month. His excuse was that he was afraid that my sister would leave him and he didn't want that to happen since he liked her so much.

P.S. it's not like my opinion would change anything because I trust my sister with the responsibility to handle her relationships herself anyway. 

[Preety_India]

That's some slim shady. Better your sister be warned. 

Warning bells lol. 

[Barbara]

Ask your sister if, if she had 37 years, old would be able to look to a 19 yo and be attracted to him. 

It's super weird. Especially because the guy's a teacher. Maybe he has students near that age. 

Edited December 9, 2020 by Barbara

[Carl-Richard]

My mom dated a 28 year old professional rower when she was like 45 

Edited December 9, 2020 by Carl-Richard

[BornToBoil]

@Barbara She probably wouldn't and I agree with you IT IS weird, but on the other hand, she is definitely more mature than an average 19 yo. Personally, I don't see myself considering a relationship with 19 year olds when I am around 40.

Is it bad if he has students around that age?

[Pudgey]

I see no problem with it, as long as he's treating her well and not abusing her. But, as her brother, you should meet him in person and speak to him man-to-man about his overall intentions in dating her. Regardless, they are two consenting adults, so nothing much you can do but accept it. 

[BornToBoil]

@Carl-Richard I think it's kind of different if a women is older than you though

[BornToBoil]

@Pudgey I am not going to do anything, as I said, her life her responsibility. Also if I didn't show her at least basic support and respect for her decisions then she wouldn't tell even me about this relationship or the ones she might have in the future and then the situation would be even worse.

Yes I plan to meet him when there is an opportunity, she moved to another city because of university, maybe during winter holidays.

[Carl-Richard]

7 minutes ago, BornToBoil said:

@Carl-Richard I think it's kind of different if a women is older than you though

I just wanted to mention it because it's funny 

[Username]

It is very likely that 19 yo is more mature than most females his age - younger are more likely to be at green stage than. I would be more concerned if she was dating a guy her age.

The only thing that is off is fake age in his profile. I think it is a good idea to meet this guy. I'll sleep better.

[BornToBoil]

@Username oh, that is actually a valid argument! It would be really hard to find 40 yo stage green woman in Poland (not saying that it's impossible, but still).

[RendHeaven]

I would definitely be open to dating 21 year olds once I'm 37 lmao.

Not sure about 19...

[Carl-Richard]

1 minute ago, RendHeaven said:

I would definitely be open to dating 21 year olds once I'm 37 lmao.

Not sure about 19...

I'm 23 and I wouldn't date myself when I was 19 

[BornToBoil]

@RendHeaven I hope that I won't have to date anyone anymore when I am 37 

[Barbara]

@BornToBoil 

One thing is them fooling around, and that's ok, I guess. The other is them, having a relationship. It will most likely not be equal due to age difference. Like he is the wise one and she's the kid. Easily a hierarchy dynamic would establish among them. 
I'm 21, not so far from your sister in age, and dating someone with almost 40 would be almost like to meet a fantasy, if I'm honest. 
And also they're in very different stages in life. Trying to meet each other needs in a relationship would be frustrating for both. 

He being a teacher is especially weird because, if he has students almost that age, since he should have trained his mind to not look to girls that young in a romantic and sexual way. If he hadn't, is a bad sign. 
Try understanding his background with relationships and if your sister is the only young girl he dated.

But you see, I dated a guy a bit older than me and got manipulated by his "wiseness", lol. So clearly, I'm self biased. Just make sure your sister is always sincere, honest, and coherent with herself. Then she'll probably be fine

[soos_mite_ah]

6 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

A mature 37 year shouldn't resonate with a 19 year old.

I just find it odd and worrisome. All my friends who date younger (female and male) are having huge issue with aging and have somewhat issues.

Looking back, at 19 I had still a hell of lot of growing up to do. I wouldn't date myself there.

Yeah but 30 is not the same as being 19. 

30+ age gap relationship don't bother me. 

But during your teens and your early 20s, you're just too unexperienced to clock people for what they are.

Not enough world experience.

EXACTLY. I was just about to comment this. Sure OP's sister might be mature for her age, that isn't my concern. It's more about where she is in her life experientially. I'm sure she is mature but my concern is that the 37 year old guy is incredibly immature. Also the fact that he lied about his age because he was afraid how OP's sister would react gives me a red flag because even the guy knows that this is on some level weird and shady as hell. And he might be a nice person, but I'm going to be honest, literally anyone can be nice especially when they are trying to get something out of a situation. Nice doesn't mean shit. 

Age matters less once you're past your formative years (so after 25 ish or so some people push it to 30). Before that, you are growing and changing a lot as a person. I'm 21 and I don't even want to date someone who is 18-19 years old. Because I know how I was back then and I have grown a lot as a person since, both in terms of maturity but also in terms of where I'm at with my life.

And sure spiral stage can be a factor when it comes to maturity, but I think in terms age gap relationships, I think it's more important to see a person's life stage and what they are doing with their lives. It isn't so much about your age difference rather it is about your stage in life. There is a huge difference between a 15 year old and a 20 year old for example but a 25 year old and a 30 year old doesn't feel as weird even though you're the same number of years apart. This is because when you compare a 15 year old and a 20 year old, one person is in high school, just finished puberty, and probably doesn't even know how to drive yet and the other person is in college, probably living on their own, has some type of work experience, and is looking at a career. But when you compare a 25 year old and a 30 year old, they are in similar places in their lives in terms of career, thoughts of settling down, etc. so it doesn't feel as big of a difference. 

[BornToBoil]

@Keyhole @Barbara Yeah, I will look out for her, don't worry, we talk/chat with each other almost daily so I'll know if something is wrong.  

And I will definitely talk to him when I have a chance.

 

@Etherial Cat @soos_mite_ah I agree with you about the fact that they are in different stages in life and that he shouldn't resonate with her that much because of the age difference, so that does seem suspicious.

On the other hand, I am going to trust her judgement since she haven't given me any reasons to not trust it so far. And discriminating her just based on her age and lack of experience seems wrong to me.

[Leo Gura]

Ridiculous. Dating a 19 year old is dating a child.

[Hello from Russia]

 

Edited December 9, 2020 by Hello from Russia

[Username]

@Leo Gura Sometimes you need to book in advance