I Just Got Rejected

[The Don]

Hello.

I have a female colleague at work that really liked me. She was interested in me for a period of time but I didn't make the move at the right time. I just haven't asked her out when she wanted to.

I didn't ask her out because I wasn't ready at that time. I didn't have the necessary social skills to handle the dating process. I was too awkward at that time.

As time went by, I got better with my social skills and became comfortable around her. I started to talk with her more. She was flirty.

Today, we had a break and ate together, but unfortunately, when I asked her out, she said no. She simply rejected me.

Then a moment of awkwardness bubbled up and I said: "You know, it's okay. I understand and I appreciate you for being straightforward! And anyway, the offer remains available".

She felt my awkwardness. She knew the moment was cringe. But I couldn't control the reaction. Those emotions were beyond my control.

Did I tell her the right answer?

I never asked why she rejected me and I never insisted to go out with me.

I took it like a man but couldn't control the awkward reaction. I hope she won't perceive me as being a weak person.

[Rilles]

You could have tried again when she said No, been a bit persisent, maybe she wanted to test your character. Anyway, that sucks, on to the next one, brother. 

Edited December 7, 2020 by Rilles

[ColeMC01]

I will honestly never understand this shit. A girl is interested in you and once you get to know her well and she is comfortable and has rapport with you, then she rejects you once you her ask her out. Wouldn't it be better if the girl starts dating you AFTER you have spent some time together so she knows well she will not be molested or treated like shit by some stranger SINCE SHE KNOWS YOU WELL. If she finds you attractive and cool enough (she was interested and flirted) then why reject. This thing that if you talk for a girl long enough and then she will not date you after is so weird to me. Ofc i am assuming you acted normal not like a needy wimp during that time, so in case you acted normal but didn't make moves.

If someone that understands girls can fill me in i would REALLY REALLY appreciate it

[Roy]

4 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

If someone that understands girls can fill me in i would REALLY REALLY appreciate it

People change their minds. Get over it and move onto the next one.

[ColeMC01]

@Roy I feel like there is a pattern here. Have seen it happen A LOT of times. It is deeper than a "mind change"

[levani]

Don't think twice about it, move on

failure is a good thing

[Rilles]

@ColeMC01 Maybe she likes the excitement of not really knowing you. 

[Username]

@The Don You can always pretend that she didn't reject you  She rejected you today, it doesn't mean you are rejected forever - act like it never happened. It's up to you.

There is also a possibility that she thinks that you are incompatible - this is not your problem.

[The Don]

25 minutes ago, Rilles said:

Anyway, that sucks, on to the next one, brother. 

Yes. I will do that. Thank you for your encouragement.

7 minutes ago, levani said:

Don't think twice about it, move on

failure is a good thing

I agree. I need to fail more, about 1000 times to build a dating skill.

24 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

Ofc i am assuming you acted normal not like a needy wimp during that time, so in case you acted normal but didn't make moves.

I hope I acted normal. I just don't want to be perceived as a weak individual.

Or maybe she thinks I'm a weak person, but it doesn't matter actually.

Maybe I shouldn't be worried about the things that are not in my control.

Edited December 7, 2020 by The Don

[The Don]

1 minute ago, Username said:

She rejected you today, it doesn't mean you are rejected forever - act like it never happened. It's up to you.

Okay. I'll take your advice. I'll act like it never happened. I'll be detached and see what is going to happen.

To be honest, I was a little bit upset after she said no, but a few hours later, I was feeling much better and realized that I have emotional resilience.

I'm much stronger than I thought.

[The Don]

6 minutes ago, Rilles said:

@ColeMC01 Maybe she likes the excitement of not really knowing you. 

Wow!

Is that a possiblity?

Can that be possible?

[ColeMC01]

@Rilles So the less excitment of not knowing you is more important than the comfort and security you get from knowing me? I thought girls cared about feeling comfortable and secure since they are the weaker sex

[Roy]

14 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

@Roy I feel like there is a pattern here. Have seen it happen A LOT of times. It is deeper than a "mind change"

Perhaps, but you're still thinking about it > which means you care too much > which is precisely what repels them.

As for @The Don. You getting to know each other better was probably the insight she was looking for that would have also happened on a date if you asked her out sooner. She probably intuited you weren't a good match or what she was looking for, which is why she changed her mind. The process was different but the result was probably inevitable. It is what it is, whatever. There are 4 billion other women to pick from.

It's good you never asked why she rejected you, because it would have made you look weak and needy and she also probably wouldn't have given you a straight answer like I just did here. Never listen to what a women says they want. Watch and observe their actions instead. Women don't truly know what they want, at least not in an immediate logical way they can explain. They learn through trial and error which takes experience and action.

You need to find the answers on your own as well. So don't ask her no matter how desperate your curiosity is.

Edited December 7, 2020 by Roy

[egoeimai]

3 minutes ago, The Don said:

She was interested in me for a period of time but I didn't make the move 

I'm sorry to say, but theres always that give and take in dating. If you give you shall receive. But it's OK, you know. 

3 minutes ago, The Don said:

I'm much stronger than I thought.

Yes you are super brave, don't get discouraged! People who reject u have already rejected themselves first! Keep being open and sharing your emotions. Being brave is rare! ❤️

[Rilles]

4 minutes ago, ColeMC01 said:

@Rilles So the less excitment of not knowing you is more important than the comfort and security you get from knowing me? I thought girls cared about feeling comfortable and secure since they are the weaker sex

Theres a thin line between comfort and boredom. 

@The Don I wasnt referring to your situation, just replying to Cole. 

[Roy]

49 minutes ago, The Don said:

Did I tell her the right answer?

Your answer was fine but the only problem was the "and anyways, the offer remains available". That communicates a mild degree of weakness and availability.

If she changes her mind again and possibly asks you out? Tell her "no sorry, the offer isn't there anymore, that time has passed". It's one thing if she's confused, but if she's maybe playing any games there needs to be consequences. If either is the case you probably don't want her as a partner anyways. It may go against your intuition and wants but hey, this is the larger mating game that is going on, and it's important you do the best you can and not settle or let yourself be taken advantage of.

You should be looking for women who are more stable and sure of themselves.

Edited December 7, 2020 by Roy

[Recursoinominado]

Dude, you are too in your head about this entire process.

Take it like a man would mean to go to the next girl without thinking too much into it.

Yeah, do reflect about it, but don't get stuck in endless reflection.

As with anything in life, take 10x more action than you think about the theory.

I guarantee you that you were too in your head to miss out on all the signals that it wasn't the right time to call her out.

Social calibration requires presence.

[ColeMC01]

@Recursoinominado Could you please reply to my question? You seem to be pretty good at dealing with girls with a lot of experience so your input would be MUCH appreciated. I will paste my question here.

"I will honestly never understand this shit. A girl is interested in you and once you get to know her well and she is comfortable and has rapport with you, then she rejects you once you her ask her out. Wouldn't it be better if the girl starts dating you AFTER you have spent some time together so she knows well she will not be molested or treated like shit by some stranger SINCE SHE KNOWS YOU WELL. If she finds you attractive and cool enough (she was interested and flirted) then why reject. This thing that if you talk for a girl long enough and then she will not date you after is so weird to me. Ofc i am assuming you acted normal not like a needy wimp during that time, so in case you acted normal but didn't make moves."

Now i know you will probably say that it is not important to know this and just make your moves and talk with a lot of girls but i am asking this more out of pure curiosity. 

 

[Preety_India]

@The Don you did pretty well. Sometimes it's not so much about acceptance and rejection but more about how you display yourself in front of people. You should always maintain your composure no matter what, it shows your maturity. So you did a fine job. Rejections happen. Maybe you two weren't meant together. 

 

@Roy  your advice is too harsh and blunt. Don't make dating such a harsh game. What you put in comes back to you. There is nothing wrong with telling the woman he likes that he is waiting for her, he is not trying to turn into a pua bull. He is just being normal, if you reacted that way to me I'd have instantly rejected you. That's like telling someone how to look like an asshole in the name of confidence. It doesn't work like that. Dealing with people needs people's skills and one should always be a gentleman no matter what. Speaking rudely to someone only builds up bad energy within oneself. Be careful with how you extrude your masculinity and inspire other men. Masculinity is not always about showing off and flexing yourself. It's also about being projecting yourself and being a high value man which can be done in the most graceful ways rather than being blunt. 

 

@ColeMC01  a woman might not be looking for a date when she is signaling interest.. Maybe she just wants to get to know the person? Maybe she wants only friendship. Also maybe she wasn't in the right place to make a decision over a date. If he is friends with her, he can still have a wonderful friendship with her. Don't try to dig too deep into female nature you will get disillusioned. It's not like women don't know what they want or that they are confused. But rather they want more cues to know what they want and they are simply unpredictable in their reactions. Trying to rationalize every move and decision of a woman will lead to disaster. 

 

[Roy]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

your advice is too harsh and blunt.

The reason I am being blunt here is because there is clearly hesitation in his OP. That is addressed by simple, direct answers. Not an essay of endless information that will confuse him even further.

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

What you put in comes back to you. There is nothing wrong with telling the woman he likes that he is waiting for her, he is not trying to turn into a pua bull.

I'm not a PUA and this isn't PUA advice. I've never needed to nor practiced any of that material in my life. In fact what might surprised you is irl I'm probably more gentle and give off the image of a quintessential "nice guy" more than any guy on this forum; The only difference is I know how to avoid the traps of get walked over, taken advantage of, or sacrificing/SIMPing myself over a woman and I can do it all without becoming a quasi-sexist PUA douche.

It depends on the inflection and content of their conversations and relationship, but yes telling her that he is waiting for her could be a bad idea. That was the issue I was warning.

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Speaking rudely to someone only builds up bad energy within oneself. Be careful with how you extrude your masculinity and inspire other men. Masculinity is not always about showing off and flexing yourself. It's also about being projecting yourself and being a high value man which can be done in the most graceful ways rather than being blunt. 

The problem here is you are simply misinterpreting. He can communicate what I've said without being rude. It should be so obvious this is the case that it would be insulting if I had to even summon that caveat, considering the fact he explicitly stated he's, "got better with his social skills".

@Preety_India You frequently diverge and derail threads by getting invested too much in what others are saying on this forum. Let's do our part to give the best experience to @The Don by focusing on him and what he needs. I'll give my advice to him, you give your advice to him, and he can choose to respond and learn from each or either if he wishes.

  

Edited December 8, 2020 by Roy