I don't know. I don't want. What am I doing?

[Endangered-EGO]

I believe I had an important realisation a few weeks ago. I have no real identification with thoughts anymore. I'm not in the absolute, or any awakening, but I am pretty grounded.

My mind just plays games with itself and when it's pointless it collapses.

I don't meditate anymore, but when I do nothing, I fall into meditation.

The mind doesn't direct my life. But what does? I'm just sitting here clueless and waiting. But not for something to happen, I'm just waiting.

I don't even know what waiting is, if there is nothing to wait for. Being?

I don't "desire" love, happiness, emotion, food, drugs, truth or anything. There is nowhere to go to, or to attain.

I wrote this, hoping I would have a question at the end of it, so I'll just ask:

What should I do? I don't want anything. Who can convince me I actually do want something? What is it? 

Note: I just let this post write itself spontaneously, sorry for the vagueness, but I felt like it was the best way to communicate where I am at.

[Moksha]

Sounds like derealization:

Derealization is a mental state where you feel detached from your surroundings. People and objects around you may seem unreal. Even so, you're aware that this altered state isn't normal. More than half of all people may have this disconnection from reality once in their lifetime.

When you are in the state of no-mind, what are you noticing?

[Javfly33]

You are awareness, being aware of all those thoughts and ideas appearing in the mind.

 

[Seraphim]

19 minutes ago, Moksha said:

Sounds like derealization:

Maybe.

1 hour ago, Endangered-EGO said:

What should I do? I don't want anything. Who can convince me I actually do want something? What is it?

Does the body really not want anything? I know someone who were in that state you describe, she could sit for days and do nothing, not even eat or drink. But after a while she noticed that the body wants many things, and it's not kind to ignore it. Maybe your body wants water, or to eat some healthy fruits for glucose so that the body can function well, or to connect with other humans, or to do something funny. Follow your intuition and feeling!

[caspex]

I have been feeling this same way for some weeks too now. But I have been using my time pretty nicely by binging anime and writing poems. (I have nothing to do these days.)
But I could also just sit down like that and wait for nothing. I am not particularly depressed. It's more like I am nothing. Not even nothing. I have also stopped meditating. And when I sit doing nothing, I fall into meditation as well. Nice to see a post i can relate too

Edited December 7, 2020 by Swarnim

[CultivateLove]

Have you tried the life purpose course?

[caspex]

Oh and also I don't think it's decrealization, atleast in my case, because i literally feel i am nothing yet everything at the same time. Also something exists but also nothing

[seeking_brilliance]

Do you have a pet? If not, perhaps having something to care for could bring a new perspective. 

[Endangered-EGO]

@Moksha No it's not DP/DR. I had it 5 years ago, trauma induced.


@Javfly33 Yes, I am the awareness, but I haven't integrated it in my life. I don't function properly without identification of thoughts. Not that I functioned before haha. I didn't function and suffered. Now I just don't know what to do and where to go.

 

17 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Maybe.

Does the body really not want anything? I know someone who were in that state you describe, she could sit for days and do nothing, not even eat or drink. But after a while she noticed that the body wants many things, and it's not kind to ignore it. Maybe your body wants water, or to eat some healthy fruits for glucose so that the body can function well, or to connect with other humans, or to do something funny. Follow your intuition and feeling!

Yes, My Body wants food and drink. After ignoring it for a few hours I finally eat. The problem is we are all locked down here so I used to go for a walk, but I used to do that to calm the mind/feel better. I don't even truly desire that tbh. 

@Swarnim I kind of know what I COULD do, and I am doing it, but there is nothing FUELING what I do. No fear pushing me. No love attracting me.

 

17 hours ago, CultivateLove said:

Have you tried the life purpose course?

I have, and I have my approximate life direction for the life purpose. I'm currently studying psychology and want to develop mindfullness teachings with psychotherapy and a wellness center. 
One thing I need to do is deconstruct every percept and concept, and then reconstruct love. Kind of a step by step towards heaven.
But I notice I could increase "love" right now, but I don't really feel the desire to do that... Maybe I need time to adjust.

Or maybe I just convinced myself I don't want anything.

@seeking_brilliance I would love a dog, unfortunately my life circumstances don't allow it. I'll just go pet dogs while taking a walk haha.

[Nahm]

19 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

I believe I had an important realisation a few weeks ago. I have no real identification with thoughts anymore.

The identification is with the thought, that there is a you in time, from a few weeks ago.

19 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

What should I do?

Notice self referential thoughts, and see that they come & go. 

[Endangered-EGO]

19 minutes ago, Nahm said:

The identification is with the thought, that there is a you in time, from a few weeks ago.

Notice self referential thoughts, and see that they come & go. 

Yes, I am just being practical by explaining that.

One of the problems with self referetial thoughts, is that I believe I am aware of them, and as soon as I notice them, they kind of collapse. They can't really maintain themselves for a long period of time. But those are just the one's I am aware of. Maybe there are other self referential thoughts I am not aware of? Maybe I should look for thoughts that I'm not aware of. However I am also aware of the space in-between thoughts.

[Nahm]

6 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

However I am also aware of the space in-between thoughts.

Is this space awareness, or is there an I which is aware of this space?

[Endangered-EGO]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Is this space awareness, or is there an I which is aware of this space?

Well there is this space, but there are still concepts like the Body. I'm not sure If there is space awareness or if I am aware of this space.
How can I find out if there is any "me-ness" to that space?

[Nahm]

 

15 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

How can I find out if there is any "me-ness" to that space?

Self Inquire. 

[Endangered-EGO]

@Nahm Okay, that type of self inquiry I already do, but not strongly enough.

For example, the me-ness is different. There is me-ness in the image-thought of my face, but there is also the me-ness in the association of head-space and visual darkness.

I guess divide and conquer? To realise the me in my head. Is just an association of dark sight + head feeling + body/face image that occures.

Oh damn, that is very very subtle.

[Nahm]

@Endangered-EGO

What do the instructions say in this regard?

Please don’t take that as ‘blow off’, but a pointing to the usefulness of scrutinizing. 

[Someone here]

21 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

The mind doesn't direct my life. But what does? I'm just sitting here clueless and waiting. But not for something to happen, I'm just waiting.

I don't even know what waiting is, if there is nothing to wait for. Being?

I don't "desire" love, happiness, emotion, food, drugs, truth or anything. There is nowhere to go to, or to attain.

This is perfect. You are home. This state is what you are seeking. You don't really want "things" e. g food sex drugs money etc .. You want things so that you stop wanting anything but what is present. What is longed for is the end of longings. And seems like you are achieving it. 

[Mu_]

@Endangered-EGO

Sounds like your in a good space, some teachers call this a integration phase, others claim enlightenment here, others wonder what they are supposed to do now (beliefs they are in a existence with a story that they are supposed to follow with exact rules).

Love man, just love.  Maybe do a final recap of your life, appreciating all thats happened, and may never happen again, saying thank you or being honest with how you felt about all instances.

The futures a mystery, what will happen from this point forward may or may not occur, relax into it all.

[Endangered-EGO]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@Endangered-EGO

What do the instructions say in this regard?

Please don’t take that as ‘blow off’, but a pointing to the usefulness of scrutinizing. 

It's not that I claim to not need to do that. I'm just not sure I am doing it right. I am not sure what this feeling of being a "me" is like. I'm not sure I am resting awareness on the me. Is it the same as "being aware of being aware"? What is the "feeling of being a me" without thoughts?
Is it part of the method to struggle doing that? In that case I'm doing it right, if it's "being aware of being aware" that is the "me-ness" outside of thought/concept/percept's.

@Someone here  Yeah well, it's like I know there is nothing to do. That I could do things, but I just don't feel the need to "go anywhere"? I don't feel the need to find chase anything, including awakenings. Not even love. A part of me still does, out of "functioning reasons". I am not used to function without needing to get anywhere.

@Mu_ That "state" I am in came from the fact that I had a non-awakening (without changes in perception) realisation that the "thing" I was trying to enlighten was already enlightened, awareness doesn't care. Do you have any things I could read about this integration phase? I know that adyashanti talks about this. And I just don't know what to do. I know what I could do, which is deconstructive mindfulness and reconstructing love. But I also have the freedom to just do nothing. I had a sober "heaven" realisation a few weeks before the enlightenment-realisation (I call it liberation, because it's more neutral).So I know it is possible to perceive the world like that. When I was into that state, I had no intention to try to keep it up. And afterwards it's only the thoughts that wanted to go back there. But now, I am not really motivated to do things to be in that state. I wouldn't mind it. I would in fact love it, but I don't want to do something to get there... Okay, that's not entirely true I'm curious how to get there and how to get other people there actually. It's just not that big of a deal let's say.

I know that the thoughts are reactive, but the reactive loop used to get me the motivation to go towards "feeling good" and away from "feeling bad".
Is there a motivation of being possible? I would intuitively train to find love in everything I do, just for doing things right, but I'm also okay with not feeling love.

@Tim Ho I wouldn't call that "down", it's actually really liberating and calm, but confusing. I might need some time to adapt to that.


How do people who are in bliss all the time get themselves to do anything? Habits? Empathy? If there is nowhere up to go, or no need to go anywhere? There are still things to do, but it's like getting a donkey to move who isn't hungry for carrots. (I am the donkey)

[Mu_]

@Endangered-EGO   Lol, let your concerns go, no matter how small.  Really, its ALL okay.  You made it man, take a sigh of relief and just let the wonderings of what do go, and melt away into this moment.  This is integration, relax, let go, trust into the unknown of what you are and is happening, as fully as possible without trying.  No rush, no more to do, nothing ever needed to be done, nothing ever was a problem, be silent let this sink in.  And if you have to go to work, go to work