Some deep and bitersweet dark night of the soul experience

[Applegarden]

After some events in my life I had an extensive insight about myself.

This insight kinda formed in multiple parts and some of it is extremely depressing and some of it is extremely relieving.

First of all. My joy of playing guitar and recording/composing is under constant threat, due to a few people who want to make my life "hell". I can't touch the instrument consistently or for long periods of time, and I don't think I would even find an appartment for that, like ever. Knowing what kind of obscure music I would like to produce and just about how much time I would have to spend to track the instruments and spend time with the instruments. And all that for 10 people listening. And I want to play nothing else than my stuff. Its that or nothing.

Second thing is the fluid identity due to personal development and some basic enlightenment work. I can acquire the tastes I need for more practical work that needs to be done. Doing something that the world actually physically needs to benefit the collective. I am talking about things like recycling, working around charity, poverty, education of such topics e.c.t., my selfish desire for that music I would like to produce is not what we need in the world if there are too many miserable people due to their inabilty of survival. I really can drop the desire of music, because I underestand that, first of all - the problem of regret is a fiction, because you don't really underestand live and are somehow navigating it making decisions big and small, so why do you spend so much time projecting a different outcome - that is delusion literally. And will sometimes feel regret when you have a bad mood. "Ohh, I wish I did the thing A, when I chose B and the other way around." The actual happiness is another component or more like a basis on where you should act. I don't identify with any desire or dream too much, because I distinctly know the actual bliss is not too much related to action, but more like with what ideas you cherish about you, or maybe none at all. Due to this experience, If you direct your desire into something and due to clarity, you are more competent on doing so, because there is less wavering, then basically anything you do will be just fine over time if you commit to it and with self-purification alot of grudgery will be in balance and in taste with you. Having said that, I would rather look for what I need and what the world needs. I need to be more established in myself to solve the problem of lifetimes while nobody around me has any idea about it, and to sit for long hours and self-reflect, will require for me to quit music. And the world obviously needs joyfull and blissfull people who retain the capacity to be happy and productive no matter what garbage you put on them.

Third thing - too much enlightenment work too fast (maybe). The moment I underestood the notion of such a thing and what experience it creates, and that it deepens, then really the only consistent thing above all, especially as a response to suffering is just to sit and keep quiet and work on my freedom. I have had such experiences completely sober, and it is happening more and more, especially in days where I sit for longer times by myself. Even tho I get lost and distracted I inherently know of more and more what to do. So more relentlessly and frociously over anything else I want to do just that. The experience created literally makes me feel free like nothing else.

Another thing is - desire and delusion. This is fairly simple, you will never ever satisfy your desires for something, you will just keep wanting more and more, you will take more and more bodies not knowing why and keep desiring, my question for that is, what is the point of that.

And another one - the deep problem of knowledge and memory - this will leave you wanting for enlightenment and dropping everything else if you are internalizing this constantly. The problem is this - no matter what you do, will it have any point of reference? Can you retain that achievement, event or experience, and for how long. It has been said that we are threading along 6th human civilisation after wiping it out 5 times, millions of years till the modern human and billions of years of the universe + the cycles of the universe before that. Do you remember where you came from? Before this birth maybe? Do you even remember last 10 years, 1 year, 1 month or yesterday as it really happened? Already some corrouption of immagination has entered those. What meaning will your years of success and achievements will mean whatsoever when the continious suffering will anyway happen because of internal unfullfillment due to trying to extract maximum pleasure of life and projecting expectations and delusions how life should be, while you don't know anything about yourself and life really, no matter how much knowledge you have; the knowledge you have will anyway fade away and you have to use your mind to have it but the quality of cousciousness will be there for you as you at least. So 99.9% of us are running for desire, not knowing why, what for this creation, what are they for and the obvious fact that no matter what they do, they can enjoy that for a very limited time and they can't take anything earthly with them, including everything percieved as sensory experience.

Having said all of that, I am kinda more and more done. Freedom is what is consantly in my mind, the strive for self-purification is all I want, everything else is just more suffering. I don't mind doing something to survive, I can self-reflect there also, but I don't think I will be doing anything extra, unless I really feel that the world needs it.

I also disagree with Leo with the fact that spiritual masters are not always happy. 99% of the time they are in my observation. Maybe even 100%. The grace of such beings reveals it to me, their attitude of not taking life seriously to an extraordinary measure show the depth of th capacity of dynamic happiness, that is reflected in their bliss. Then I would ask Leo, about acessing higher states of consciousness sober. And single sentence phrases like I am dreaming all this stuff up or states of consciousness are immaginary as everything else does not count. 

 

 

 

[kag101]

First, why don't you play your guitar using headphones? 

 

 

3 hours ago, Applegarden said:

ive. I am talking about things like recycling, working around charity, poverty, education of such topics e.c.t., my selfish desire for that music I would like to produce is not what we need in the world if there are too many miserable people due to their inabilty of survival.

Stop judging yourself! And stop feeling guilty! Don't try to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Do you think music is your passion? 

 

3 hours ago, Applegarden said:

the strive for self-purification

I think you need less self-purification, and more basic self-development work. That is, being able to achieve stuff in life. 

 

Btw - what type of music do you like? I got curious, hehe... 

[Preety_India]

11 hours ago, Applegarden said:

I don't identify with any desire or dream too much, because I distinctly know the actual bliss is not too much related to action, but more like with what ideas you cherish about you, or maybe none at all.

This is the golden line. It makes so much sense.