Confession: My relationships are fake

[Chimera]

This is a follow-up of a post i created several weeks before… I need to write this to get it out of my system, since i have no one to say it to. This is the most real, authentic thoughts i have, and it’s been a long time since someone has seen me like this.  

 

I realized that 98% of all my relationships, my friendships, my romantic ones and even family, comes from a space of survival, and not from a space of enjoyment. 

 

I felt the need to develop relationships with others in order not to be alone, not because i actually enjoyed spending time with those people. I felt so inadequate, so scared, like something is wrong with me if i am not loved by everyone around me. I felt wrong to be alone.

 

Hell, i’m not even authentic with almost everyone. I feel the need to constantly hide myself to others, because i believe that i am not someone nice to be with. How could i attract people who i feel genuinely close to if i am not myself???

 

My relationships are almost all fake. And now that i need others more than ever in my life… I have no one. Life is so beautiful, so magic, so full of joy… so much is possible, and there is so much i want to do!! And i want to share it with others! I want to be close to someone, have a close, meaningful relationship!! Fuck, i even have a bestfriend who i not interested to talking to or haging out with! I feel even distant from my bestfriend!

 

As i am writing this, i feel deep, deep anger, and deep pain. So much thoughts, so much energy poured into the idea of ‘’I need friends, I need a lover’’… for nothing.. So much energy into changing myself to someone decent, soft, quiet, timid, shy in order to be loved… 

 

I am seen as someone cute, soft, vulnerable, almost child-like. (Hell… some ‘’friends’’ of mine like to pinch my cheeks like a toddler… how insulting!!)  I am actually someone confident, strong, passionate, goofy, someone with strong opinions and points of views, not afraid to tell someone they are wrong or that they are a piece of shit. I am crude, mean, I swear like a sailor, i like going out and getting wasted, smoking weed, i love being fucked! I am a fiery person, i actually feel there is a fire inside of me just waiting to be put into the world, but i am seen as an child-like person. It hurts because i am not seen for who i am.

 

And when i see people who i legit want to hang out with, or even want a romantic relationship with, we ‘’are too different’’. No! We are the same! You’re just seeing the child-like side of me! It fucking hurts not being able to bond with peoples you actually want to be friends with. I’m stuck with shitty, two-faced, immature, weeaboo friends who i have no interest to hanging out with. I am being a bitch, but fuck it! I am mad at the whole universe! Why did i do this to myself!

 

I’m in my mid 20’s, and i do feel like it’s too late for me to meet peoples who i can be myself with. I do fear i will never have a meaningful relationship where i can be myself. I fear i will live the rest of my life without sharing the joy of being into this world with at least someone else.

 

[BornToBoil]

@Chimera

"No one is born into this world to be alone." – Jaguar D. Saul (One Piece)

You will definitely find people who will like you the way you really are. You just need to work on your insecurities and fear of being yourself. It's a gradual process of healing and growth, so be patient. 25 years is just the beginning!

[Chimera]

@BornToBoil  I sure hope so...nice reference

@Etherial Cat I came to this realization at the start of the year, It sucks and it really hurts. I guess I'm getting impatient to see changes.

I do listen to a lot of self improvement videos like Leo's. I do read a lot as well, I gave the law of attraction another chance by buying one of Abraham Hicks books yesterday.

 Meditation is still tough. I tend to get lost in my thoughts instead of letting them go, and it does the exact opposite of what it's supposed to do: I get attached to thoughts and get stressed up. I Do up to one hour sessions, sometimes more than once a day when I got time. 

 

 

[Chimera]

@Etherial Cat thank you for taking the time to answer me! It's helping me a lot right now

[Chimera]

Is self esteem the cure to this feeling of loneliness?

[Moon]

1 hour ago, Chimera said:

Is self esteem the cure to this feeling of loneliness?

I believe so.

As a teen I had lots of friends that were "fake relationships" I couldn't be my true self similar to how you've described and my self esteem was veryyyy low!

You're definitely still young and can work on being content on your own (if that's an issue for you) whilst also finding authentic relationships 

[Chimera]

I guess I'll work on myself, and stop trying to win everyone's love. Then, true relationships will come through...

The core problem here is probably that I hate myself, and I haven't figured out the way to change it yet.

Edited December 7, 2020 by Chimera

[Moon]

Yaasss you've got this! Allow yourself to be alone, and see if any negative feelings/thoughts arise- and journal to uncover what's happening perhaps.

Also, meditate often and you could add in some positive affirmations and self-talk 

[Chimera]

@Moon