How do I develop a permanent confidence?

[machinegun]

I feel like this is a trait among some of my peers that I'm very envious of. But, they seem to radiate confidence where ever they go. I feel like these dudes could get knocked down, pushed around, but as long as they have their confidence they still look untouched. I was wondering if this is a skill I can develop. 

There's literally no reason why I should be unconfident: I'm young, tall/handsome, smarter than your average dude, and I get girls. My parents never complimented me and never showed much affection growing up, along with telling me to think through the perspective of others, which I think made me extremely shy as well as being a people pleaser. This is probably what holds me back.

Anyway, I feel like I'm missing this key ingredient to propel myself. I don't think I have to spell out all the ways having confidence would change my life for the better, but I'm going to college next year and, I don't want to hold myself back.

Any insights would be appreciated

[Pallero]

5 hours ago, machinegun said:

My parents never complimented me and never showed much affection growing up, along with telling me to think through the perspective of others, which I think made me extremely shy as well as being a people pleaser. This is probably what holds me back.

This is correct.

This is a huge topic. I would say confidence is about seeing yourself as valuable and important (which is also true and real). So what can you do to tell yourself, "You are important to me. I love you."

[Yarco]

In my opinion, true confidence shouldn't be permanent or consistent. Only a fool is confident in everything, all of the time. It's not something you should strive for. Your confidence in every area of life should vary depending on your experience, knowledge, etc.

Being overly confident can be a foolish trait, even deadly. Imagine if someone threw you in an MMA ring or made you a police officer with no advanced training. A confident person would rush in and do something stupid, while a less confident person would play it safe and look for advice.

What you're seeing from most of these dudes is just a mask, a facade, a shell that they put on. Don't underestimate toxic masculinity in society and its ability to make men feel like they can't show weakness or emotion under any circumstances. You don't know what's actually going on inside their heads. They probably have tons of self-doubt and feel all the things you do, they're just good at hiding it. Unless you're extremely close with them and have a huge level of trust, chances are that you'll never have a candid conversation with male friends about what they're really feeling even if you ask. They'll just deny and blow it off.

Of course having too little confidence and issues with imposter syndrome is also a problem on the opposite side of the spectrum. Maybe someone else can offer specific advice there, I can't think of much except "fake it until you make it."

Edited December 6, 2020 by Yarco

[machinegun]

1 hour ago, Yarco said:

Being overly confident can be a foolish trait, even deadly. Imagine if someone threw you in an MMA ring or made you a police officer with no advanced training. A confident person would rush in and do something stupid, while a less confident person would play it safe and look for advice.

I was talking more about confidence in myself. Just like how I feel insecure at my baseline, others are gushing out confidence. Having confidence doesn't necessarily mean that all rationale goes out the window. I know I have potential, but to sell myself to others as well as me, I need to be able to provide a sense of security. Being insecure is unattractive as well as unappealing. I can't be a good friend, lover, leader, if I'm doubting myself all the time.

[blackchair]

there's no such a thing, we are all only humans

[BornToBoil]

@machinegun I don't know why you chose to post it in life purpose section, but I think that finding one will actually increase your confidence a lot. At least it helped me.

Learning how to move your energy from your head to your heart helps a lot.

Personally, I think that it's more important to focus on developing determination and bravery (doing the right thing even when you are afraid), confidence should naturally follow of you do that.

And lastly, I just wanted to clarify that I am talking about general confidence in yourself as a human being, which could also be interpreted as a lack of constant excessive doubt, anxiety, unnecessary worries, etc. I think that you made it clear in your post that that's what you meant by confidence, but some people seem to be confused.

Of course I am not talking about you being confident in your ability to do a police officer's job without any prior training. More like you being confident in your ability to become a great police officer after you put in the necessary work.

 

[Guest SirVladimir]

2 hours ago, machinegun said:

I was talking more about confidence in myself. Just like how I feel insecure at my baseline

Don't think of confidence as an end goal which is yet to be attained. Think of it as something that you already have but is being blocked by something. Instead of building towards confidence, set a goal of finding and eliminating blockages. My advice is to also have a life purpose or a future vision figured out, as confidence will come out of you like butter. You'll feel a lot more confident by maneuvering the steering wheel in an arranged direction. Close your eyes and visualize yourself confident every day.

Edited December 6, 2020 by SirVladimir

[machinegun]

@Leo Gura I know you've said in the past you used to be an introvert. How did you get around it?

[Jacob Morres]

You can create your ideal self through visualization and the gradual manifestation of it through daily embodiment, but that's just the technique I guess 

I can tell you from personal experience, that confidence is an extremely malleable trait in humans 

You can build confidence gradually 

For me, the things that helped me was: 

Turning my mindset from fixed mindset to growth mindset. Basically, a fixed mindset assumes characteristics within you are fixed. Like you have 100 IQ, you are this level smart, this much athletic, confident, happy, whatever. A growth mindset though says that your traits and skills are malleable and changeable. I highly recommend the book Growth Mindset by Carol Dweck.
There 

 

 

[LukeChester]

When I was younger, I noticed that people feel your confidence if you're free of fears. Even you're not sure about the positive results of a situation you can be ready for any further events mentally. You just know - this situation will either benefit you or teach you something. Both variants are good. And, of course, you should improve your communication skills to feel more confident - a lot of problems can be resolved just by the right words. You can put more attention to your speech and your reaction in different situations - then you'll understand better what you should improve. There's plenty of information about communication skills on the Internet, I can recommend reading this one: https://ivypanda.com/blog/how-to-improve-your-communication-skills-to-be-successful-in-life

[Nahm]

Do. 

[machinegun]

17 hours ago, Nahm said:

Do. 

Do what?

[Nahm]

@machinegun

Up to you, but I’m suggesting to do.