First date

[Porphyry Fedotov]

Hi everybody. Finally, I had my first date today

Wanna hear your feedback on what I did right and what I did wrong. I bit of context. I sold this girl the lamb skull I cleaned via Russian counterpart of craigslist. Next, I started texting her on this site, and after several days of prolonged conversation, she dropped a message with her account in Vk - Russian Facebook to continue speaking there. We kinda hit it off right away, it turned out we had a lot of other common interests. I asked her out - and she like yeah let's do this sometime during the next week. After several days of slow-talking, I asked her out (like let's take a walk and hang out in a local cafe). 

In a cafe, we sat opposite each other. I wanted to seat next to her - but she put her coat on a couch and sat on the edge of it, so did I. At least I chose the place to seat in a cafe lol. I ordered a cappuccino, she had a glentwain. I planned to spend about 30min to 1hour - but felt awkward to end our evening, so we spent there about 3 hours straight. When her mom called I get my phone out, pretended to check the time out and said let's finish (soon). Then we spent some time talking and next, I said alrighty, I gonna go and pay. Also, they didn't have the cardreader so I had to get back to our table, get my phone and transfer money via app. 

Also, I didn't touch any sexual themes in our conversation nor did I flirt (don't know how yet). However, we had a lot of stuff in common to talk about (mythology, folklore, nature, pets, games etc)

Then we left and I asked her where she lives to walk with her a bit before going home. She said like let's go to the spot where we met and I order a taxi. I was alright.

When we got there we talked while she was ordering a taxi. After it arrived, I hug her and when it seemed like she turned her cheek for a goodbye kiss I missed that opportunity. Or maybe I'm assuming too much. She thanked me for an evening, I did the same and headed home.

Also tried to maintain eye contact during our conversation. but failed to not fidget with hands a lot of times. Like I touched my beard, stroke my moustaches and stuff like this. Btw, I'm insecure af and people pleaser through and through, trying to work on this (psychedelics helped a lot recently with this stuff) - this date was a major breakthrough for me. Don't know what to make of this yet. Some parts of the date were cool, some caused my anxiety to skyrocket

Edited December 5, 2020 by Porphyry Fedotov

[BornToBoil]

@Porphyry Fedotov I am not an expert in dating, but congrats anyway, I think you did well!!!

[Arcangelo]

We are men, so we think sex first, sex second and sex third.

1 hour ago, Porphyry Fedotov said:

Then we left and I asked her

If she would like to go to my place.

That's what you should have done. You don't want to give her a friendly vibe you want to give her a sexual vibe. You want her to know that you want to have sex as soon as possible.

Next time as soon as you guys finish the coffee you ask her to go to your place for a glass of wine and listen to some music. At your place you should have a nice bottle of wine or baileys or malibu, you know stuff that girls like. You need to have an excuse to take her to your place. The wine and the music is the excuse.

Obviously this is just a game both of you are playing. You both know that if she decides to go chances of having sex are super high.

Once at your place you make your move. If she rejects you at your place you can try back 10 minutes later.

 

Arc.

 

 

[Porphyry Fedotov]

Guys, now come to thinks of it perhaps it didn't go so well. She just sent me a picture of the lamb skull with the snake skeleton in a frame and a pug skull nearby saying that my lamb skull just got friends. I for some weird reason answered haha friends for eternity. She was like yeah, it is so in their case. I have a snake tattoo, she asked about it during our convo and I have a pug I told her about. Fuck

I also tried to correct the situation texting her like let's meet again next week

[BornToBoil]

@Porphyry Fedotov what kind of hobby do you guys have? I am really curious ))

I might be wrong, but I don't think that it's the case. I think it's unlikely that she would go to such length to send you some hidden meaning, what for?  Although I have never met people who like to keep snake skeletons and pug skulls at home, so I don't know, haha.

Also, I think that a girl texting you by herself after a date is a nice sign

[Porphyry Fedotov]

3 minutes ago, BornToBoil said:

@Porphyry Fedotov what kind of hobby do you guys have? I am really curious ))

I might be wrong, but I don't think that it's the case. I think it's unlikely that she would go to such length to send you some hidden meaning, what for?  Although I have never met people who like to keep snake skeletons and pug skulls at home, so I don't know, haha.

Also, I think that a girl texting you by herself after a date is a nice sign

We both have skull collections, for me, it's also some sort of a side hustle cause I sell skulls I don't need anymore. I dunno, girls like hidden messages plus she is a creative person.

[BornToBoil]

@Porphyry Fedotov I mean, what would she have to think to do that?

"Hmm, what do I do about  this guy I met up with today? We had a cool conversation and he was nice and all, but what if he wants to date me!? Omg, that would be awful, what should I do about that?? Just ghost him? Nah, I am a creative person after all, I need to come up with something more extravagant... Oh, why don't I text him and send him a hidden message with my skull collection! Yeah, sounds like a great idea!"

Again, I might be wrong, but I don't believe it's as deep as you think it is. The simplest explanation is that she just wanted to text you and share something you both like.

Also, you won't find out for sure unless you decide to continue talking and seeing her. And, nothing keeps her from changing her opinion about you either to one side or the other.

[BornToBoil]

@Porphyry Fedotov Why don't you text her tomorrow and ask her out again? If she agrees then everything should have went smoothly. 

[Porphyry Fedotov]

13 minutes ago, BornToBoil said:

@Porphyry Fedotov I mean, what would she have to think to do that?

"Hmm, what do I do about  this guy I met up with today? We had a cool conversation and he was nice and all, but what if he wants to date me!? Omg, that would be awful, what should I do about that?? Just ghost him? Nah, I am a creative person after all, I need to come up with something more extravagant... Oh, why don't I text him and send him a hidden message with my skull collection! Yeah, sounds like a great idea!"

Again, I might be wrong, but I don't believe it's as deep as you think it is. The simplest explanation is that she just wanted to text you and share something you both like.

Also, you won't find out for sure unless you decide to continue talking and seeing her. And, nothing keeps her from changing her opinion about you either to one side or the other.

Well, if you put it that way... maybe I'm reading too much into it. However Arc is right, I'm not assertive enough sexwise. I live in Russia and men here are way more masculine than me on an average. I've just got it why she accompanied me to a spot we met in the first place - I guess she expected me to invite her to my place. I live with my parents and that's why subconsciously I don't consider this reasonable although I will from now on. We all have separate rooms after all

She also texted back and said that "yeah, let's do it, but let's decide later on when exactly, it depends on my job"

[BornToBoil]

@Porphyry Fedotov I don't think that rushing things is always the right move, so you need to assess this particular situation and decide on your own. Both Arc and me can't tell you the right answer because how little info we have. 

But I guess being a little more flirty and sexual won't hurt in your case. At least for the sake of practice )

Btw, I am from Ukraine, nice to meet you!

[Arcangelo]

6 minutes ago, BornToBoil said:

I don't think that rushing things is always the right move

I do think that rushing things is the right move. You don't want to get friend-zoned. IMO the date went for tooooo long. I bet you talked a lot. You don't wanna be talking that much, you need to remain a mystery, a challenge. By talking all that much you left nothing for her to discover.

22 minutes ago, Porphyry Fedotov said:

I live with my parents

Have you brought friends to your place before? If not maybe ask them permission / let them know

[aurum]

@Porphyry Fedotov

Sounds like things were friendly, but she’s not exactly seeing you as a boyfriend. More like just a friend.

To be sure, there’s nothing wrong with having strictly female friends or taking things slow. In fact I’d highly recommend it. But if your case:

1) you don’t want to be her friend

2) she is your friend because you’re too nervous or unsure of how to make it anything else.

And that’s fine too. Almost every guy I know has experienced that at some point, including myself. But beware that is what’s happening.

More important than salvaging this particular relationship is that you internalize the lessons. What could you have done differently? Why didn’t you do that originally? What specific fears are showing up here? How are these fears benefitting you?

[Porphyry Fedotov]

12 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

Have you brought friends to your place before? If not maybe ask them permission / let them know

I'm not that young lol. I don't need their permission to do anything, but sometimes they're too curious

[Arcangelo]

IDK I learned the hard way: Their house their rules

[Porphyry Fedotov]

Just now, Arcangelo said:

IDK I learned the hard way: Their house their rules

I own share of the property so... Also in my twenties when I was studying at the university I often had my friends over so it's kinda ok

[BornToBoil]

30 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

I do think that rushing things is the right move. You don't want to get friend-zoned. IMO the date went for tooooo long. I bet you talked a lot. You don't wanna be talking that much, you need to remain a mystery, a challenge. By talking all that much you left nothing for her to discover.

@Arcangelo as if you could really discover everything about a person after talking to them for 3 hours...  Unless he has a personality of a Siri it shouldn't be an issue.

Also, by getting sexual too early you will cut out lots of girls who aren't wiling to have sex on the first date. It seems like they share lots of pretty unique interests and vibe well together and I guess he is more interested in a relationship rather than a hook up. I don't see any reason to rush things in that case. You can flirt and build sexual tension without having to drag them to bed the first time you've met, right?

[Porphyry Fedotov]

27 minutes ago, aurum said:

@Porphyry Fedotov

Sounds like things were friendly, but she’s not exactly seeing you as a boyfriend. More like just a friend.

To be sure, there’s nothing wrong with having strictly female friends or taking things slow. In fact I’d highly recommend it. But if your case:

1) you don’t want to be her friend

2) she is your friend because you’re too nervous or unsure of how to make it anything else.

And that’s fine too. Almost every guy I know has experienced that at some point, including myself. But beware that is what’s happening.

More important than salvaging this particular relationship is that you internalize the lessons. What could you have done differently? Why didn’t you do that originally? What specific fears are showing up here? How are these fears benefitting you?

Do you think this relationship is unsalvageable at this point?

 

45 minutes ago, BornToBoil said:

@Porphyry Fedotov I don't think that rushing things is always the right move, so you need to assess this particular situation and decide on your own. Both Arc and me can't tell you the right answer because how little info we have. 

But I guess being a little more flirty and sexual won't hurt in your case. At least for the sake of practice )

Btw, I am from Ukraine, nice to meet you!

Hi neighbour. But how to be flirty or sexual? Like, start dropping subtle hints or what? Like 'Do you like incense? I have very thick incense sticks at home' Is this any good?

[BornToBoil]

@Porphyry Fedotov why would it be unsalvagable!? Don't even think about giving up right now. Just do your best and see what will happen. As I have said before, nobody here can assess the situation properly. All we have are your words and as you have mentioned yourself, you have very little experience in dating and are a bit anxious in general so you are likely to misinterpret some things.

Don't ask me about how to flirt though, I have no idea myself. You can ask those "experienced" guys above about the basics of flirting. Just don't believe them when they tell you wether you should give up or not or whether you should invite her to your home. You need to decide that yourself based on the situation, just try to feel the atmosphere the next time you meet her and make the decision that is the best in your opinion!

Edited December 5, 2020 by BornToBoil

[Preety_India]

2 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

We are men, so we think sex first, sex second and sex third.

If she would like to go to my place.

That's what you should have done. You don't want to give her a friendly vibe you want to give her a sexual vibe. You want her to know that you want to have sex as soon as possible.

Next time as soon as you guys finish the coffee you ask her to go to your place for a glass of wine and listen to some music. At your place you should have a nice bottle of wine or baileys or malibu, you know stuff that girls like. You need to have an excuse to take her to your place. The wine and the music is the excuse.

Obviously this is just a game both of you are playing. You both know that if she decides to go chances of having sex are super high.

Once at your place you make your move. If she rejects you at your place you can try back 10 minutes later.

 

Arc.

 

 

 

That's a disaster. Men think about sex. But women don't. Women don't go so easy on sex and for obvious reasons. Most women would be creeped out by such a direct approach. 

Dating and sex are two different things. If you are advertising on Craigslist for a girl to have sex with you, then it's okay to call her to your apartment. But otherwise that's a horrible way to get rejected. 

This is not about getting friendzoned. Just because a guy is not acting sexual, the woman won't friendzone him, friendzoning involves multiple factors and one of the biggest factors is safety. 

She is automatically going to read the gesture of wine, apartment, advances as a threat or unsafe. 

Why would a woman offer you sex right away? 

She doesn't even know you well on the first date, let alone know you sexually. 

Most guys would instantly get rejected by that move since women can very very easily sense the sexual vibe from a guy, even from miles away. 

If a man wants a girl, first make her comfortable, build a rapport but never make her feel like he is with her only for sex. 

 

 

[BornToBoil]

@Preety_India I think that all this concern with getting friendzoned so many guys have is just one big insecurity.

"We are men so we need to think about sex first"

"If you don't fuck on the first date then it's all over, you've failed"

It's kind of petty in my opinion to have that kind of mindset.