Story to tell, in need for some serious advice

[Savage1122]

So basically I want to share my  crazy  story with u guys, and hopefully you could guide me and give me some advice. I’m a 23 years old guy and I have gone through A LOT of changes in the last 5 years, from being a “successful” musician to a junky with some serious mental health issues, and now a student.  I got into Leo’s videos about 2 years ago and since then I followed some of his advice (which of course helped me a lot). My “downfall” began about 4 years ago when I started to go to university (music university) and moved to a big city in my country. I started smoking pot which really was a transition drug for me ( ? classic story) and smoked daily for about 3 years, in about just 1 month after moving I tried for the first time LSD with some friends and I fell in love so hard with this substance ( I had about 10 trips in 2 months after that so I got a little bit experienced right from the start ?), obviously I was more attracted to substances than going to school so I dropped out in the first semester. After that I got ‘addicted’ to MDMA which I think has ruined my brain chemistry for a long time, I have done it consistently for 2 years. Just to mention That I had 0 knowledge and about this substances when I first moved ( my bad? ). After dropping school I started working shitty jobs and i worked till march 2020, but all  I was doing in the beginning was paying my rent and buying drugs, it got worse in 2018 / 2019 because I was doing  all kinds of dirty stuff to get some more money from my jobs just to buy drugs. I would go fucked up at work and work 12 h shifts 4/5 days a week. In the summer of 2018 the whole situation was killing me, my girlfriend have left to USA the whole summer and my depression got worse, in august I dropped out of my job just to take a brake but all I was doing was getting highly intoxicated. In that month I had about 5 trips of lsd and shrooms and a lot other things like MDMA, amphetamines.. but nothing could changed the way I felt (deeeeeply unsatisfied with myself and very paranoic). The last thing I did was a tab of Nbome ( sold as lsd ) which fucked me up forever, the strongest experience of my life (20+ hours tripping, I ll make a separate post about that) Which have resulted in a violent psychosis that lasted about one year ( I still feel like that sometimes ?). The good thing is that was exactly what I needed, after that I stopped doing anything ( weed, psychedelics, alcohol...) and I was sent completely into my mind, It felt very spiritual everything (although I had a very severe form of psychosis, thinking that I could read other people minds and they could read mine, telepathy, voices inside my head, suicidal tendencies) BUT THE THING THAT SHOOKS ME is that in this whole time I felt like I was guided by some force (obviously me) to save my life. This whole time I felt like I was 2 persons. I was completely down for almost a year and half, but I kept going to work, I started to go to university in October 2019 ( Digital Media ) and started playing again music and composing ( I have a fucking story to tell ??). In m march I moved back with my parents because school is online and I can say I healed a bit, ( I have never gone to therapy because I didn’t want to accept the fact that they would give me drugs beacuse of other drugs I took ? ). I’m pretty stable right now, I have some nice relationships with some very good musicians, I started teaching guitar to make some money and planning on moving again with my girlfriend. I want to mention that this is the first time I share my story with anyone so I’m a little bit nervous. I have learned some valuable lessons all this years but some times i feel like is just to much for me. I completely understand why I am imaginary, why everything is just layers and layers and layers of imagination. I “understand” the nature of nothingness ( I grasp it with my whole being  ), I understand why reality is nothing but perspective. I see myself most of the time in other people ( their voice, emotions, eyes, expressions, words they choose...) . I understand what love is ( it cured me). I have advanced levels of darkness, if I could call it like that , which have turned into a great artistic hunger?. I have embodied all this stuff. But sometimes I get some sort of backclash / fear about everything, a general terror about everything, dealing with day to day life could be fucking harsh, and everything could go away in an instant...

I have somked weed and had 2 little doses of shrooms recently but I was not feeling ok... maybe the doses were to small.  I would fucking love to do some LSD but I feel my mind is still to scattered, and it could turn bad. 

My biggest ‘fear’ is that I would not go schizophrenic, but it s more an irrational fear because I don’t have symptoms.  

 

Thank you guys and Leo! 

[kbone]

What, in your clearest and best understanding, compels you at this point? Bring this into as simple a focus as possible. 

I’d suggest not stirring the mind quite so much. Nothing wrong with a trip, either expansive or subdued. But you’ve never actually left HERE. 

[Savage1122]

7 hours ago, kbone said:

What, in your clearest and best understanding, compels you at this point? Bring this into as simple a focus as possible. 

I’d suggest not stirring the mind quite so much. Nothing wrong with a trip, either expansive or subdued. But you’ve never actually left HERE. 

Since I am a extremely introverted person, but I don’t have a problem with this usually, I feel the need to communicate what was happening with me on an emotional level and spiritual level, I need to share my experience but I just can’t talk openly about it, I was isolated for a long time so I had no one to talk to, my friends and parents they did not have any clue about what I was goin through. So my plan is to do it musically, I ll release the next year a record and I plan to conceptualize my experience.... I think this will help me a lot. I am truly passionate about music and in love with it. 

[kbone]

2 hours ago, Savage1122 said:

Since I am a extremely introverted person, but I don’t have a problem with this usually, I feel the need to communicate what was happening with me on an emotional level and spiritual level, I need to share my experience but I just can’t talk openly about it, I was isolated for a long time so I had no one to talk to, my friends and parents they did not have any clue about what I was goin through. So my plan is to do it musically, I ll release the next year a record and I plan to conceptualize my experience.... I think this will help me a lot. I am truly passionate about music and in love with it. 

Good, this helps me innerstand you a little more and appreciate your present state. Thanks for sharing.

In the OP, you mentioned the following:

"I have learned some valuable lessons all this years but some times i feel like is just to much for me. I completely understand why I am imaginary, why everything is just layers and layers and layers of imagination. I “understand” the nature of nothingness ( I grasp it with my whole being  ), I understand why reality is nothing but perspective. I see myself most of the time in other people ( their voice, emotions, eyes, expressions, words they choose...) . I understand what love is ( it cured me). I have advanced levels of darkness, if I could call it like that , which have turned into a great artistic hunger?. I have embodied all this stuff. But sometimes I get some sort of backclash / fear about everything, a general terror about everything, dealing with day to day life could be fucking harsh, and everything could go away in an instant..."

This leads me to believe you have done quite a bit of introspection, have been involved in a major shift of perspective (perhaps even attempted using a more disruptive approach), and now you want to start using music, a true lifelong love of yours, as a vehicle. Does that sound about right?

Music can be used as an outward expression of an inner journey, and journeys are, typically, always about seeking. What you may be seeking could be considered the melody that weaves through the body of your work. That melody, in turn, might work to further harmonize the various aspects of a life you are examining, and making such a life worth living (thank you, Socrates).

Some of what you are seeking can be "assumed" from what you have shared, but perhaps it is better if you express that in your own words. I sense that is why you have posted, and that's great. Maybe it's what you "understand" about nature of nothingness, and/or the attempt to grasp it with "your whole being"... not sure. So, here, please clarify.

 

Edited December 5, 2020 by kbone

[kbone]

[kag101]

Interesting read. 

Great to hear that you're better off, and that you're giving guitar classes. Do you enjoy them? 

As with psychedelics and weed, I know how seductive they can be, especially for a spiritual-seeker, because they change your perception on reality and can offer you very interesting insights. 

Problem is, those substances are widely known for triggering paranoia, psychosis, and depersonalization on some individuals. Myself included. So it ends up being a jack-pot. And the more trips I had, the higher were the odds of having a bad trip. In the beginning, most of them were magical and transformative. But eventually they started to harm me. 

It's like a relationship. In the beginning it was awesome, But then, it became toxic. So I had to quit., which was not easy Even though they're not physically addictive, they can be really psychologically addictive. In my case, it was as if I had to trip every weekend to "fill my serotonin tank".