Complete Existential Despair After Psybicilin Trip: I'm in Hell

[BakeJeyner]

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it. And I really need help. I am in a horrible place, and I don't know what to do. It feels like complete & infinite existential doom. I'm hoping that someone can act as a guiding hand of light in this time of darkness and despair.

Little bit of backstory: I'm 25. I had a great childhood living a life of enjoyment. At age 21 I moved out and got a job for the first time, where I absolutely hated the 9-5 and got spiraled into meaninglessness and depression. I've been battling that ever since and for about a year now have been taking the spiritual route seriously. About 3 weeks ago I decided it was time to try out magic mushrooms to see how that could help me on my journey to self discovery and healing.

The "good" part of the trip: oh my god it was amazing. I took 5-6 grams of the mushrooms, and the first thing I felt was lightness and energy. All my fears, worries, and problems melted away. I was floating through my experience full of love and joy. Bliss.

The "bad" part of the trip: oh my god it was like nothing I ever experienced. It's like the line between imagination and reality was erased, and my imagination was reality. Reality would seamlessly shift and transform like my imagination would seamlessly shift and transform. For instance: my girlfriend was driving us home and I thought of watching one of Leo's youtube videos and that became my reality. My reality was the awareness of Leos video, and that reality was me. Leo would tell me to wake up and suddenly my reality would shift to pure colors and transform into taking with one of my friends. As I was trying to talk to my friend and tell them I need help because I don't know what's real or who I am, I suddenly KNEW that my friend was me and that there was no need to explain anything to him. That reality would then fractalize and I would travel through infinity and experience infinite cycles of knowing and forgetting the truth. I would then come back to this reality, but this reality was no longer real. I felt complete oneness with my experience and completely alone at the same time: like everything and everyone was merely something I was imagining and that I was the only real thing. Knowing that filled me with complete existential despair. I just wanted to die, but I knew that ceasing to be was impossible, that even if I died in the "real" reality, that "real" reality wasn't even real and wasn't me. That if I tried to kill myself in "real" life, it would merely be me imagining shooting myself in the head and continue shifting and transforming realities. These shifts and transformations in reality occurred for a good 6 hours and I felt completely alone, horrible, and eternally doomed.

The aftermath: I was so happy when it ended and I came back into being me. I remembered a little about the trip, but not much. I couldn't understand what I experienced and it felt like I couldn't even remember what it felt like. It completely shook me though, because that sense of aloneness. And I could tell I had a sense of dread in the background. Two weeks later after I felt pretty content and integrated with having that crazy trip, I decided to do a lighter dose of magic mushrooms (about 3.5 grams), and I started feeling like I was losing my grip on reality again. But rather than having another reality bending experience, I instead un-repressed the memory of having my reality bending the first trip and I was able to completely remember what that felt like.

Now: I am completely full of existential terror, dread, confusion, and despair. I feel like nothing, including myself, is real and that there is no point of existence. That there is no meaning to a completely imaginary singular reality in this sea of infinite imagined realities. And worst of all: I feel like I am eternal and that I can never end. And oh my god I just want this all to end. I can't handle what I experienced, I can't handle KNOWING that all of this reality is imagined and everyone else is just my imagination. I can't handle knowing that I am the only thing, that I am god, and that I am infinite. I just want it all to end, for me to disappear, but I know that's not possible because on the trip I've already disappeared in this reality.

My stomach and heart feel like pits of suffering, and my soul feels like its writhing and exploding in agony. I've been feeling this way for 4 days now trying my best to just feel the feelings, but this dark night of the soul feels like it has no resolution. Its like I've peeled back the veil of reality and seen the truth, and the truth is infinite, alone, and despairing. I can now remember the trip whenever I want, but because I can remember how I felt and what I knew during that trip any notion of who I am and what is real has no ground. Everything feels fake and imaginary and I feel trapped in this hopeless meaningless ride of existence & nothingness. Everyone and everything in my life is just something I am imagining and I'm completely alone. I am in complete hell. The truth is complete hell. I want to end.

Watching Leos video about his radical explanation of reality only added to my feeling of doom. This man I looked up to and resonated with just told me that all my greatest fears, and that my existentially dooming reality was all true. I can't handle infinity. I can't handle being god. I can't handle being alone. And nothing I do is pulling me out of these depths.

I'm so scared. I'm so unbelievable scared. I've had fears of being eternal since childhood and all I feel is complete doom and despair. I don't know what to do, and I can't cope. I'm so confused and so hurt.

Thank you for reading this, and I hope you can help me through the darkest night of my soul. I love you and wish for the best.

[Nihlus]

Imagine this - you are falling down an endless abyss you have only two options 

1. Fight reality screaming and crying all the way down.

2. Accept reality laughing and smiling all the way down.

 

[BakeJeyner]

Thank you so much for your timely answer.

Trying to apply your answer to my situation: I need to stop resisting these potentialities and learn to be ok with them? That even though these insights are/can be real, that I can be ok now regardless of the situation I see myself in?

Or even more simply: accept reality laughing and smiling all the way down. Will that really work, or is that more me fooling myself & becoming insane?

Note that I am merely expressing my questions/concerns, but that I really am trying to apply what you say to my experience. Thank you.

Edited December 3, 2020 by BakeJeyner

[Leo Gura]

47 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hey, welcome

Quote

I took 5-6 grams of the mushrooms

That was your big mistake. Your dose was 5x too high.

Quote

The "bad" part of the trip: oh my god it was like nothing I ever experienced. It's like the line between imagination and reality was erased, and my imagination was reality. Reality would seamlessly shift and transform like my imagination would seamlessly shift and transform. For instance: my girlfriend was driving us home and I thought of watching one of Leo's youtube videos and that became my reality. My reality was the awareness of Leos video, and that reality was me. Leo would tell me to wake up and suddenly my reality would shift to pure colors and transform into taking with one of my friends. As I was trying to talk to my friend and tell them I need help because I don't know what's real or who I am, I suddenly KNEW that my friend was me and that there was no need to explain anything to him. That reality would then fractalize and I would travel through infinity and experience infinite cycles of knowing and forgetting the truth. I would then come back to this reality, but this reality was no longer real. I felt complete oneness with my experience and completely alone at the same time: like everything and everyone was merely something I was imagining and that I was the only real thing. Knowing that filled me with complete existential despair. I just wanted to die, but I knew that ceasing to be was impossible, that even if I died in the "real" reality, that "real" reality wasn't even real and wasn't me. That if I tried to kill myself in "real" life, it would merely be me imagining shooting myself in the head and continue shifting and transforming realities. These shifts and transformations in reality occurred for a good 6 hours and I felt completely alone, horrible, and eternally doomed.

Yes, yes, of course. I told you reality is just imagination.

Quote

Now: I am completely full of existential terror, dread, confusion, and despair. I feel like nothing, including myself, is real and that there is no point of existence. That there is no meaning to a completely imaginary singular reality in this sea of infinite imagined realities. And worst of all: I feel like I am eternal and that I can never end. And oh my god I just want this all to end. I can't handle what I experienced, I can't handle KNOWING that all of this reality is imagined and everyone else is just my imagination. I can't handle knowing that I am the only thing, that I am god, and that I am infinite. I just want it all to end, for me to disappear, but I know that's not possible because on the trip I've already disappeared in this reality.

Of course it's all true, the only problem is that you jumped in too deep too fast and your ego isn't properly integrating it.

There is nothing bad about reality being imaginary. This is the best possible news. You just have to learn to appreciate it and accept it.

You CAN handle it. There's no other choice.

Quote

My stomach and heart feel like pits of suffering, and my soul feels like its writhing and exploding in agony. I've been feeling this way for 4 days now trying my best to just feel the feelings, but this dark night of the soul feels like it has no resolution. Its like I've peeled back the veil of reality and seen the truth, and the truth is infinite, alone, and despairing. I can now remember the trip whenever I want, but because I can remember how I felt and what I knew during that trip any notion of who I am and what is real has no ground. Everything feels fake and imaginary and I feel trapped in this hopeless meaningless ride of existence & nothingness. Everyone and everything in my life is just something I am imagining and I'm completely alone. I am in complete hell. The truth is complete hell. I want to end.

You're not in hell, you're in heaven. Stop giving these experience negative meanings.

Since you are God and you are imagining reality, whatever you imagine will become real for you. If you imagine things are bad, that's how life will feel. If you start seeing the goodness in everything and everyone, then life will become amazing.

Your ego is just over-reacting. Stop buying it's negative stories.

If life is meaningless, when why are you giving it just negative meaning?

Quote

Watching Leos video about his radical explanation of reality only added to my feeling of doom. This man I looked up to and resonated with just told me that all my greatest fears, and that my existentially dooming reality was all true. I can't handle infinity. I can't handle being god. I can't handle being alone. And nothing I do is pulling me out of these depths.

Stop struggling and just surrender to the simplistically and beauty of the present moment and of reality being imaginary.

Quote

I'm so scared. I'm so unbelievable scared. I've had fears of being eternal since childhood and all I feel is complete doom and despair. I don't know what to do, and I can't cope. I'm so confused and so hurt.

Thank you for reading this, and I hope you can help me through the darkest night of my soul. I love you and wish for the best.

Just take it easy, distract yourself with something fun, go enjoy nature or a TV show. After a few weeks these trips will leave your mind and you will calm down.

All that happened here is you had a bad trip. Forget about it, walk it off, and in a month you will hardly remember it even happened.

This is what happens when you disrespect the power of psychedelics. Your dose was 5x too high. That's all.

[Consilience]

Here's the thing - your interpretation of this experience and trip is valid. Yeah reality is a pretty vicious, alien, and scary place. Everything you just listed cannot be fought using philosophy because it's completely valid. Yet equally, it's completely empty of meaning. Right now you've bought into the story you're telling yourself about reality. You've bought into and are believing hook line and sinker that reality is this awful scary place and that everything is doom and gloom. Can see how this story is 1) a story and 2) empty of inherent meaning? What if the meaninglessness you feel is just as meaningless? What if you were allowed to see reality as infinitely meaningful, beautiful, cosmic, sacred? 

Mushrooms can be harsh teachers and I'm sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience. Yet, you can also use this trip as a way to orient yourself towards nihilism. Until you fully integrate meaninglessness through surrender, acceptance, and love, you will be repressing it. It sounds like the mushrooms brought that fear out of your mind and forced you to acknowledge it. Rather than just slowly forgetting about the trip, or trying to mask its lessons with another trip or more drugs, I'd suggest integrating what you learned. 

Practical take aways - 

1. 1 hour of meditation per day, MINIMUM. If you don't have a serious meditation practice, tripping is pretty useless and won't get you very far. Let the trips provide rocket fuel to your sober practice, and let sober practice provide the grounding, soil, and nutrients for the trip to take hold. 
2.  Journal about this experience. Start questioning all of your beliefs around the experience. In what ways may you be deceiving yourself? Is it possible the trip magnified your own fears about reality? In what ways is your view of reality limited, partial, and relative? Can you find gratitude and metta for the experience? How has this trip made you wiser? Etc. 
3. Yoga / Exercise - spend time reconnecting with your body and emotions through physicality. This will help provide grounding and a sense of security.
4. Spend time in nature - notice how at peace nature is. Notice the intrinsic beauty it gives of, how quiet, still, tranquil, subtle, and lovely it all is. A tree has nothing but metta for you. Sit with one until you feel it, and perhaps start by projecting metta towards it. I've found that there is an energetic re-harmonization of my body/mind/heart spending time in nature which is particularly helpful after really powerful trips. 

Know that you are stronger because of this experience. It's another stop on your path. Let it be what it was, but let it go.  

 

[Rilles]

Why the fudge would you take 6 grams your first time. Thats madness! I havent done shroomies but I will go for 2 grams TOPS! my first time, that will surely give me a good mindfuck. 

[Breakingthewall]

I had a similar experience, there was only me and there was no time, no escape for all eternity, immobile. very real and horrible. After some weeks I returned to that place of eternal no time and I realized that yes, that is so, but I loved myself with an enormous love, and it was wonderful. but the truth is that I felt relief returning to the world of dreams and colors. I think you have had your first visit to eternity and it is something so ... strange, eternal, that you cannot process it, that's why you feel so bad. once you integrate it and assume it (it may require time and mental openness), if you go back there you will pick up on other nuances

[Free Mind]

42 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

There is nothing bad about reality being imaginary. This is the best possible news.

Can you give an example from your own life how recontextualizing reality to imagination was the best thing? For instance, how do you relate to your mom knowing that she’s a totally unreal hallucination? 

[Malekakisioannis]

@BakeJeyner hey there. This too shall pass.get off psychedelics and especially mushrooms for...maybe forever i would say.it was a big mistake for you to take 6 grams.and even more stupid to try your luck with mushrooms again. You should stay away from these solipsistic nihilistic mindset you have built.part of the problem is your belief in what Leo says.stay off this forum as well.come back when you feel better again.trust me I have been through this.your ego will reconstruct in a month or so.try a different psychedelic next time like DMT.it doesnt mess with your mind like mushrooms do.but dont rush it.take some time yo integrate.

[Adamq8]

I can relate 100% m8, gone through it too, just now that those feelings you have now will pass. 

Everything will be normal again but deep down you know.

Somehow it will add to your life experience after you come through this phase. 

It is good that you share this and realize that we can help even if you feel like you are all alone.

It will pass. 

And this is heaven right here, you will start to notice that this is the best creation there is.

We are here for this reason i feel.

This is a beatiful world and creation.

[BakeJeyner]

Thank you everyone for your support. I'm crying tears of dread and confusion, but most importantly love for each of you. I can't express my gratitude enough. Hopefully with your guidance I can climb out of my despair.

First of all, I can't believe you responded Leo; now it's certain that reality must be my imagination lol. But really, I want you to know that I love you and are absolutely amazing and, even though your videos scare the shit out of me now, you have been the single greatest influence in my spiritual journey. Thank you.

And I love you Nihlus, Consilience, Rilles, Breakingthewall, Free Mind, and whoever else offers their help. Thank you so much for your wisdom and compassion.

Now that the ooey gooey stuff is out of the way, I would like to clarify some of the great information you've shared with me. This first post will be regarding Leo's response, the following posts addressing the others. However I ultimately know it's my responsibility to get through this, so silence is a perfectly valid answer.

33 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

That was your big mistake. Your dose was 5x too high.

...

This is what happens when you disrespect the power of psychedelics

Yup my mushroom dose was too high: I wanted to see the truth and got monkey pawed more than I could have ever imagined. That's 100% on me, and now it is my responsibility to deal with the repercussions. 

27 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Of course it's all true, the only problem is that you jumped in too deep too fast and your ego isn't properly integrating it. There is nothing bad about reality being imaginary. This is the best possible news.

This really helps me with understanding why I feel so "bad". Knowing that it's possible to know this reality and still be ok really helps out with my sense of doom / not being ok. And hearing that its the best possible news gives me a sense of hope. I'll try and become aware of ways I can make this imaginary reality meaningful and positive.

It's also great to hear that I need to integrate this with my ego. Through my research I was under the assumption that spiritual work / enlightenment is meant to kill off the ego, but now I'm thinking it's more about living in the best way ... imaginable. Or as one of your older videos stated: improve the quality of your consciousness. Some people like their egos, some would rather kill off their egos, and some would like to meditate on nothingness.

31 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You just have to learn to appreciate it and accept it.

You CAN handle it. There's no other choice.

I need to learn how to accept the seemingly unacceptable, and I'm sure that's going to take a lifetime of work. But I'll do my best.

46 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You're not in hell, you're in heaven. Stop giving these experience negative meanings.

Since you are God and you are imagining reality, whatever you imagine will become real for you. If you imagine things are bad, that's how life will feel. If you start seeing the goodness in everything and everyone, then life will become amazing.

Your ego is just over-reacting. Stop buying it's negative stories.

If life is meaningless, when why are you giving it just negative meaning?

Another message of hope, thank you. I've been trying to separate my experience from the reaction to my experience, but I find that to be extremely difficult. I'll try to become more aware of the stories I'm telling myself about this reality.

55 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Stop struggling and just surrender to the simplistically and beauty of the present moment and of reality being imaginary.

I'm still trying to figure out how to surrender. I've been reading "Letting Go: the Pathway to Surrender" by David Hawkins and am doing my best to apply his teachings. I'm sure I'll figure it out if I keep trying. The same goes for being present: I'll continue to develop that capability.

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Just take it easy, distract yourself with something fun, go enjoy nature or a TV show. After a few weeks these trips will leave your mind and you will calm down.

All that happened here is you had a bad trip. Forget about it, walk it off, and in a month you will hardly remember it even happened.

I'm guessing this means that I experienced something completely overwhelming to my ego, and in an overwhelming time sometimes the best thing to do is surrender fighting/feeling the experience and instead to continue living. As the overwhelm fades, I'll be able to better accept and come to terms with reality, but not when my ego is spasming like a dying spider.

[BakeJeyner]

@Consilience

1 hour ago, Consilience said:

Here's the thing - your interpretation of this experience and trip is valid. Yeah reality is a pretty vicious, alien, and scary place. Everything you just listed cannot be fought using philosophy because it's completely valid.

I completely agree. If it can exist in my awareness, then it's true and there's no point in denying/resisting the possibility. Similarly, one way I found to combat fear is to completely accept and face both sides of the fear (i.e. if the fear comes true or not), because then you no longer have a reason to worry about your fear ending up one way or another. When I tried that technique with this situation, it just seemed too hard to swallow, but I hope that will get easier over time.

1 hour ago, Consilience said:

Yet equally, it's completely empty of meaning. Right now you've bought into the story you're telling yourself about reality. You've bought into and are believing hook line and sinker that reality is this awful scary place and that everything is doom and gloom. Can see how this story is 1) a story and 2) empty of inherent meaning? What if the meaninglessness you feel is just as meaningless? What if you were allowed to see reality as infinitely meaningful, beautiful, cosmic, sacred?

I resonate with this as well. I've always bought into the idea that meaning is something you create rather than something inherent in the universe, I just feel like this dread is something inherent in knowing reality. I'll do my best to start realizing that is just a story/meaning I'm adding to this experience, and just as I made it hell I can make it heaven.

1 hour ago, Consilience said:

Mushrooms can be harsh teachers and I'm sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience. Yet, you can also use this trip as a way to orient yourself towards nihilism.

Thank you for your condolences, that means a lot to me. As for nihilism: some resources claim nihilism is not the way to go, but I'll do some more thinking there and find an answer for myself.

1 hour ago, Consilience said:

Until you fully integrate meaninglessness through surrender, acceptance, and love, you will be repressing it. It sounds like the mushrooms brought that fear out of your mind and forced you to acknowledge it. Rather than just slowly forgetting about the trip, or trying to mask its lessons with another trip or more drugs, I'd suggest integrating what you learned. 

Ya know what, I haven't actually looked into what integration really means; I just assumed it meant to process the trip. And you know what they say about assumptions. I'll go ahead and do more research into that area, thanks for the tip.

I like how you say the mushrooms brought up fear, because I've had the fear of being eternal/infinite since I was 10. I just didn't expect that fear to become so visceral and to persist for so long afterwards. I thought I could just feel it and let it go.

And no more shrooms for me for a while, that's for sure.

As for your practical advice, thank you so so much. I'm going to start following all of them to facilitate my healing as much as possible.

Thank you so much for your response. Your compassion and helpfulness means the world to me, and I'm already starting to feel more grounded as I respond to each of you. You are genuinely helping me.

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Free Mind said:

Can you give an example from your own life how recontextualizing reality to imagination was the best thing?

It goes beyond any one example. Just the fact that reality is imaginary is my deepest love for reality. If reality was anything other than imaginary, I would be deeply disappointed at the stupidity of reality.

The first time I realized reality was imaginary was the happiest day of my life. I said, "Thank God! Of course! Finally it makes sense."

If reality was not imaginary it would be an insult to intelligence because then reality would be limited. But of course reality cannot be limited because there exists nothing outside of reality to limit it, and this is the greatest thing about reality.

Quote

For instance, how do you relate to your mom knowing that she’s a totally unreal hallucination? 

With more Love.

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, BakeJeyner said:

 

where I absolutely hated the 9-5 and got spiraled into meaninglessness and depression. I've been battling that ever since and for about a year now have been taking the spiritual route seriously. About 3 weeks ago I decided it was time to try out magic mushrooms to see how that could help me on my journey to self discovery and healing.

The thinking that you ‘got spiraled’, vs appreciating the creative power that you are, by recognizing & aligning feeling, intentions, attitude, perspectives, choices, etc, led to ‘solving’ this with spirituality / psychedelics, rather than inspecting what was going on with you. They essentially do ‘solve’ it, but by revealing to you that what wasn’t feeling good to you was not the circumstances, but the thoughts & perspectives about circumstances. The discovery that how you feel is entirely reflective of outlook and the letting go of reactionary patterns is a natural experience. Unless you  add an absorbent amount of psychedelics all in one trip. Then you see the whole show all at once and overwhelm yourself. Then it seems you doubled down on the prior outlook, rather than hearing the message. 

1 hour ago, BakeJeyner said:

The "bad" part of the trip: oh my god it was like nothing I ever experienced. It's like the line between imagination and reality was erased, and my imagination was reality. Reality would seamlessly shift and transform like my imagination would seamlessly shift and transform. For instance: my girlfriend was driving us home and I thought of watching one of Leo's youtube videos and that became my reality. My reality was the awareness of Leos video, and that reality was me. Leo would tell me to wake up and suddenly my reality would shift to pure colors and transform into taking with one of my friends. As I was trying to talk to my friend and tell them I need help because I don't know what's real or who I am, I suddenly KNEW that my friend was me and that there was no need to explain anything to him. That reality would then fractalize and I would travel through infinity and experience infinite cycles of knowing and forgetting the truth. I would then come back to this reality, but this reality was no longer real. I felt complete oneness with my experience and completely alone at the same time: like everything and everyone was merely something I was imagining and that I was the only real thing. Knowing that filled me with complete existential despair. I just wanted to die, but I knew that ceasing to be was impossible, that even if I died in the "real" reality, that "real" reality wasn't even real and wasn't me. That if I tried to kill myself in "real" life, it would merely be me imagining shooting myself in the head and continue shifting and transforming realities. These shifts and transformations in reality occurred for a good 6 hours and I felt completely alone, horrible, and eternally doomed.

With a foundation of daily meditation, the thoughts (about circumstances) which don’t resonate, are let go, and the activity of the mind rests. The body empties of resistance. Clarity & understanding arises. Then, when you take a trip, you don’t resist, you breathe, relax, and more unconditionally enjoy the wildly amazing ride. 

1 hour ago, BakeJeyner said:

The aftermath: I was so happy when it ended and I came back into being me. I remembered a little about the trip, but not much. I couldn't understand what I experienced and it felt like I couldn't even remember what it felt like. It completely shook me though, because that sense of aloneness. And I could tell I had a sense of dread in the background. Two weeks later after I felt pretty content and integrated with having that crazy trip, I decided to do a lighter dose of magic mushrooms (about 3.5 grams), and I started feeling like I was losing my grip on reality again. But rather than having another reality bending experience, I instead un-repressed the memory of having my reality bending the first trip and I was able to completely remember what that felt like.

Now: I am completely full of existential terror, dread, confusion, and despair. I feel like nothing, including myself, is real and that there is no point of existence. That there is no meaning to a completely imaginary singular reality in this sea of infinite imagined realities. And worst of all: I feel like I am eternal and that I can never end. And oh my god I just want this all to end. I can't handle what I experienced, I can't handle KNOWING that all of this reality is imagined and everyone else is just my imagination. I can't handle knowing that I am the only thing, that I am god, and that I am infinite. I just want it all to end, for me to disappear, but I know that's not possible because on the trip I've already disappeared in this reality.

Because there wasn’t a proper foundation, the mind ran amuck with resistance. This is indicative of the day to day ‘monkey mind’, aka ruminating or overthinking, which is perpetuated by misinterpreting the role of thought, and under appreciating the role of attitude, or, outlook. So a ton of resistance, and a ton of mental misinterpretation, resulted in a dramatically increased suppression of feeling, which exacerbated the ruminating (worry etc) of the mind. Another way to say that, is the mind sought outwardly for resolve, avoiding feeling, which is suffering. 

1 hour ago, BakeJeyner said:

My stomach and heart feel like pits of suffering, and my soul feels like its writhing and exploding in agony. I've been feeling this way for 4 days now trying my best to just feel the feelings, but this dark night of the soul feels like it has no resolution. Its like I've peeled back the veil of reality and seen the truth, and the truth is infinite, alone, and despairing.

The stomach is effected by the beliefs around not digesting your outlook, because the perspectives don’t resonate with feeling, but are held nonetheless at the expense of suffering. The heart is effected because the perspectives that you felt discord with were expanded rather than let go. The misunderstanding & misinterpretation of thought & feeling was exaggerated & projected on the meta...rather than being let go or seeking understanding and or discovering resonating interpretations, regarding the fore mentioned habit of unconscious projection. That is, believing how you feel is because of circumstances, and carrying (trying to) your conditions into the unconditional. Those conditions resumed rather immediately. From going to fast on the trip, it’s a blur vs an opportunity of inspection.

1 hour ago, BakeJeyner said:

I can now remember the trip whenever I want, but because I can remember how I felt and what I knew during that trip any notion of who I am and what is real has no ground.

Indicative of the same misunderstanding. The belief is that you can remember feeling in the past. The misunderstanding persists though the actuality of feeling (in the present) of resistance is loud & clear. (But unfortunately not understood and thus heard and integrated). 

1 hour ago, BakeJeyner said:

Everything feels fake and imaginary and I feel trapped in this hopeless meaningless ride of existence & nothingness. Everyone and everything in my life is just something I am imagining and I'm completely alone. I am in complete hell. The truth is complete hell. I want to end.

The hell is the fore mentioned misunderstandings which make it very difficult to find your way to resonating with truth. The key is scrutinizing how you’re looking at things, interpreting. When a perspective doesn’t resonate, choose a better feeling thought. Be less concerned with the truth, accuracy, ‘rightness’ of the thought, and care about how you feel. 

1 hour ago, BakeJeyner said:

I'm so scared. I'm so unbelievable scared. I've had fears of being eternal since childhood and all I feel is complete doom and despair. I don't know what to do, and I can't cope. I'm so confused and so hurt.

Get understanding. Talk to some. Experience healing modalities. Write about how you feel in the moment and realize more emotional intelligence / understanding. 

[Recursoinominado]

I feel you, bro.

Once you go through a certain point, there is no going back.

Metaphysical realizations tend to be scary at first, all you need to do is do your best to integrate it.

Practice presence, like you, are in the center of a hurricane.

Doesn't matter what happens, just practice presence, acceptance, and love.

I am also in a place where Reality became so fluid it is scary like i am perpetually in a microdose of shrooms or something. It is hard to ground myself in such a fluid context but what can i do besides continue to try? It is not like you have a choice like it was said to you: you are falling, groundless, you can scream in despair or you can bliss out in pure acceptance. 

Think like this: how would a Master Zen or Buddha deal with this situation? 

Have you ever thought about the perspective of a spiritual master? Do you think he lives in a groundless reality or a material one? He is probably experiencing a constant mindblowing Reality but keeping his shit together by flowing with it as a non-stop meditation practice. 

[bejapuskas]

@BakeJeyner  I am sorry this happened to you, at least next time you will know how the right dosage is important. There is no shortcut to this. I understand that it can often feel like you are stuck in sameness and things cycling over and over again, while nothing new is created. But you can actually create new things, have you tried?

[BakeJeyner]

@Rilles

Lol long story short: I'm f'in young, dumb, and wanted to have an experience.

Long story reasonably long:

(Note that all the weights I took are from a scale that can measure grams, but from my experimentation it seems to do better with 5 gram increments)

I initially took ~1g and was waiting for anything to happen; any hallucination at all. After an hour and a half all that happened was I felt a little looser, like how you would feel after 2 shots of vodka.

And I thought "hey, I'm ready for ego death and to see reality, not to feel buzzed", so I downed like ~2 grams after that. And 15 minutes later I took another ~1 gram for good luck. And that's when it started rolling in and I started to feel euphoric and at ease.

[Leo Gura]

4 grams of mushrooms would be a very difficult trip for me, on the verge of insanity.

[BakeJeyner]

@Breakingthewall

It's really nice to hear that someone else went to a place like that, and not only came back and healed, but was able to go back to that place and find love. Thank you for sharing your story: it gives me a lot of hope that I can be ok again. Much love to you!

[vibv]

@BakeJeyner I feel you. Was at a very similar point in my past.

Turns out it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, but that took me years to realize.
But eventually it happened - and it will happen for you, too, someday.

Meditate. Take your time. Take it easy. Relax.

I can tell you: It's all gonna be good. You're in for quite some surprises. Buckle up and enjoy the ride!