Complete Existential Despair After Psybicilin Trip: I'm in Hell

[Matt23]

Hey.  Here's a few resources that might help you (or others) if you're really struggling.

https://trippnetwork.co.uk/

https://www.spiritualcrisisnetwork.com/

https://www.cheetahhouse.org/

I hope these help.  They're counsellors and people to reach out to in case you're confronting spiritual or meditation crises.  

I've had some terrifying experiences as well, some that didn't go away for long periods.  It must be difficult. 

If you want to reach out, let me know.  

If you feel that it's too hard, go for a walk, be grounded and centered.  

Enjoy things.  

Be safe.  Be kind. 

 

[abrakamowse]

@Matt23 Thanks for sharing those links, very useful!!!

[BakeJeyner]

@Someone here

43 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Yeah I don't really understand what you are saying.

Let's say I imagine a world in my mind.. Does this world exist "somewhere" as actually? Is this what does it mean to say that reality is unlimited? 

I'll try and re-phrase what I experienced.

During the upside of the trip I still had a sense of self and of reality, but I also started to develop a sense that I didn't exist. I lost myself in the experiences I was having. It felt like all there was was experience.

During the downside of the trip, I started to come back to a sense of self again, but the sense of self was blurred between my egoic self, no self, and (maybe) my true self. I would fluidly shift between those senses of self seemingly out of my control. As for the experience during these shifts in self: it felt like I would have a modified experience of actual reality (like what you would expect when taking psychedelics), and I would also have imaginatory experiences (felt like dreams), but the line between the modified real experiences and the dream experiences was removed and my experiences would fludly shift similar to my sense of self.

Here's a little sequence of events that I remember, note that the shifts between reality and imagination mostly occurred seamlessly:

Reality: I was lying in bed. I had my regular sense of self. My girlfriend came over and gave me an oreo to bite to try and ground me. I tasted the oreo.

Imagined: I pulled the covers over myself to warm myself up.

Reality: I had no covers over me.

Imagined: I pulled the covers over myself again.

Reality: I still had no covers over me.

Imagined: I "dreamed" about watching a youtube video about Leo, and I became the raw experience (iow I lost myself in the dream; I didn't really exist, there was only the experience of Leo's video). Leo told me to wake up. My perspective then zoomed into/entered Leo's youtube video, through Leo's eye, and I experienced fractals that looked similar to indian prints.

Reality: My girlfriend said "I love you, you are going to be ok". I came back into my regular self and back into reality. I responded with "I love you". I grabbed the back of her head and put it against mine.

Imagined: Our heads merged and we became one. I had the experience of no self. The I remembered how the Beetles did psychedelics back in the day, and my experience/self became that of John Lennon. Then I was in my bathroom peeing, my old self. I grabbed a gun off the floor and shot myself in the head, and my experience transformed into fractals again with no self.

Reality: My girlfriend pulled the covers over me and I was myself again.

Imagination (I think): I cracked my left middle finger. I then tried again and it didn't crack. I tried it again and it did crack. I tried it again and it cracked. I tried it again and it cracked. I tried it again and it didn't crack. So on and so on.

Hope that helps explain it lol. Typing this out really gives me the chills. But the more I remember this stuff, the more I realize that I might have just had my mind melted. But that mind melt also melted my regular sense of self and reality.

Edited December 8, 2020 by BakeJeyner

[BakeJeyner]

@Matt23

Ya those are some great links. I'll definitely check those out if I still feel a crisis in the future. Gives me another layer of hope!

[Someone here]

@BakeJeyner thanks for sharing your experience. Although you didn't really address my question directly. I think you haven't had a direct insight to what I'm asking about. I need to reread OP again 

[BakeJeyner]

@Someone here

TBH I don't think I experienced what you experienced. It more felt like my mind, self, and reality was melted, which showed glimpses of infinity but not raw infinity. Hope you can find your answer though!

Edited December 8, 2020 by BakeJeyner

[Adodd]

On 12/3/2020 at 2:04 PM, BakeJeyner said:

I got spiraled into meaninglessness and depression. I've been battling that ever since

I took 5-6 grams of the mushrooms,

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. I would've recommend 2 grams at first.

[Natasha]

@BakeJeyner Too much too fast, as everyone else has already been saying. Try not to take anymore and keep integrating. You'll likely be integrating that doze for a long while.

[bejapuskas]

On 9. 12. 2020 at 6:26 AM, Natasha said:

Too much too fast, as everyone else has already been saying. Try not to take anymore and keep integrating. You'll likely be integrating that doze for a long while.

Exactly. Don't feel ashamed to take even multiple years off, or just never do psychedelics again, you are not obliged to trip. You can do whatever you want yourself to do. Some people I know trip or used to trip almost every week and they do not find it that beneficial.