Complete Existential Despair After Psybicilin Trip: I'm in Hell

[BakeJeyner]

5 minutes ago, PeaceOut96 said:

What you are describing is exactly what I am going through after my latest trip. I feel u man, its not pleasent to get your reality turned upside down. And especially the part of being all alone as God. I have tripped a good over 17 times now, but with my latest trip, the Aloness which I have already experinced the others times also really hitted me deep. Like I couldnt accept and embrace the fact that I'm all alone. But really it's a point of no return, so the wisest thing to do is to fully embrace it and accept it with time and also take it easy and slow

I love your take, it helps to know there are others going through what I'm going through.

IMO the hardest part is my sense of okness. Like I have completely convinced myself that I can't be ok, life is meaningless, and I'm all alone. And knowing that its a point of no return just kills me. But maybe this will give me the opportunity to build my meaning from the ground up and learn how to connect with others and therefore the universe. Maybe I can learn to be ok again.

[PeaceOut96]

10 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

Just wanted to say thanks again everyone for your support and advice. I hope I can use it to put myself back together and get out of this living hell. I'm already feeling better, but it feels like I can always re-visit that place of dread at any time: willingly or not willingly.

I have a lot more questions, but I should probably work on them myself. I love you all, and even though you've helped dramatically, I know I need to find my own answers.

That being said, I'll post some of my questions here in case there's any interest:

- How do I feel content/ok, especially given these radical ideas and how insane and disintegrated they make me feel.

- Do I exist, and how do I accept non existence.

- Are other people locally conscious like me, or is my local consciousness the only real thing.

- How can I create actual meaning in a meaningless reality.

- How can I foster a sense of okness in this perceived eternal doom.

- What should be the relationship between me and my ego.

- The "insanity" and feeling of despair its your ego ways of interprating what it saw. It isn't real, just fear. The only thing to do is become more consciouss, start a spirituel practise maybe 

- You like everything else is pure imagination. So in that sense you as an ego is pure fiction. But thats ok, because its only a play that you as God has created for yourself. And no there isn't no-existense, there is only Existence. 

- The is only One Conscioussness. So there isn' "other" people og beings besides you. 

- Learn to embrace Being. Just look around and see how everything is infintely beautiful and magical. Also truly if you want meaning, just know that you can generate yourself, and in a way its will be coming from a more powerful place now. 

- Just take it slowly and embrace it. Lay off psych for a long time and after it has cooled down, just dive in again more wisely with a lower dose, and a clear and strong intention, of fully embracing the fact and loving it 

- its easy now Its only a game. Still the only game there is, and Infinite Imagination is Infintely strong, and suffering can feal real. But like I said, take it easy and dont forget to neglect basic "egoic" work that needs to be done. 

[BakeJeyner]

@Nahm

I've officially hit my limit for the day, but I definitely want to ingest your latest post tomorrow. I really appreciate the time and detail you are putting into your responses, my deepest gratitudes.

[lostmedstudent]

@Leo Gura @BakeJeyner thank you Leo for your answer and thank YOU bake for sharing. your words cannot describe what i experienced 1 year ago better than my own words. it is exactly how i felt and i still have to integrate those experiences. i also jumped in way too deep too quick and i have avoided strong doses ever since. but we have all face it some day

best of luck . and thank you for sharing. you will get through this  you will eventually forget about it at the least

[BakeJeyner]

I wanted to post a status update for you all.

I'm doing a little better. Actually I'm doing pretty well compared to how I was these past couple of days.

I decided to watch this youtube video (attached at the bottom; let me know if that's against the rules or something). Summarizing in my own words: it claims you don't exist and that finding nothingness will free you from your thought/ego/suffering.

And for whatever reason, its resonating with me. I'm just sitting here doing my best to defocus on nothingness, and my mind / sense of self is quieting. And all my suffering is slowly fading.

That being said, the more I think and type the worse I feel. So I think I'm going to take a step back from this forum for a bit and just focus on this new path.

I am still curious to hear what you all have to say, so feel free to respond and I'll come back when I'm ready. But until then, I wish the absolute best for all of you. And I mean that, I really do.

Lastly I want to let you all know that I had very little faith that this community would help me. I imagined you all being these super high conciousness ego beings who wouldn't give two shits about my sob story. But instead I was shown compassion and support that literally brougt me to tears (and I didn't cry at the end of Toy Story 3). Thank you so very much each and every one of you, I love you, and good night.

 

[SamueLSD]

That sucks. You're gonna feel traumatised for a while. Thankfully, that 'while' isn't long at all in the bigger picture, and you can only grow from here if you actually try.

Happened to me on acid. I did 5 tabs, approx 200ug each.  

There were no evil entities yelling at me, no snakes coming out of the walls, just a 48 hour comedown that made me see myself as a lost, unlucky, and lazy human. I could not sleep.  I had never felt so horrible. It lasted months. 

Looking back, it is just an EXTREME form of ego backlash. I did way too much, way too fast, and I wasn't in the mental state to be doing it. I think you are in a similar position. 

Take things slow. Enjoy life. 

Edited December 4, 2020 by SamueLSD

[SamueLSD]

1 hour ago, BakeJeyner said:

That being said, the more I think and type the worse I feel. So I think I'm going to take a step back from this forum for a bit and just focus on this new path.

Be free man. I stopped posting here for months after my helltrip, you'll come back fresh. 

[Someone here]

10 hours ago, BakeJeyner said:

Watching Leos video about his radical explanation of reality only added to my feeling of doom. This man I looked up to and resonated with just told me that all my greatest fears, and that my existentially dooming reality was all true. I can't handle infinity. I can't handle being god. I can't handle being alone. And nothing I do is pulling me out of these depths

I had a similar experience a week ago in a dream. And I asked about confirmation in here. Did you become conscious that all infinite potential will become actual? Once can certainly imagine infinte scenarios.. But does it necessarily have to be manifested in a alternative reality. 

[Heart of Space]

As someone who has had an existential crisis that could probably go on a top 10 leaderboard somewhere in terms of psychological suffering I can tell you that you will get better with time.  You have to make sure you handle it in the healthiest way imaginable.  There's a lot of good advice in the thread already, I just wanted to reinforce your resolve to get through your tough time.  

[Display_Name]

11 hours ago, BakeJeyner said:

@Display_Name

Me being no one is something I still need to look into and accept. Two nights ago I stumbled across a youtube video called "you do not exist" and it brought forth a similar feeling of doom that I felt when remembering the trip. Thanks for reminding me about this, and I'll add it to my list of healing activities.

I'd also like to note just how much I writhe at thinking I'm not real. I definitely have some work to do there.

Check out Jim Newman

[abrakamowse]

@BakeJeyner  that's like a super giant ego backslash. Sorry you felt that way, I hope you can assimilate all those insights fast and I know it will be the best for you. You will come from this experience much wiser.

Just relax and enjoy life!!! Go outside to nature, walk barefoot on the grass, connect with others and stay positive!!!

 

(Note: Shunyamurti is awesome. It will help you a lot to integrate that experience...)

Edited December 4, 2020 by abrakamowse

[bejapuskas]

On 3. 12. 2020 at 11:58 PM, BakeJeyner said:

I am generally not very creative.

I wonder why you believe this.

[jimwell]

On 3. 12. 2020 at 8:04 PM, BakeJeyner said:

Now: I am completely full of existential terror, dread, confusion, and despair. I feel like nothing, including myself, is real and that there is no point of existence. That there is no meaning to a completely imaginary singular reality in this sea of infinite imagined realities. And worst of all: I feel like I am eternal and that I can never end. And oh my god I just want this all to end. I can't handle what I experienced, I can't handle KNOWING that all of this reality is imagined and everyone else is just my imagination. I can't handle knowing that I am the only thing, that I am god, and that I am infinite. I just want it all to end, for me to disappear, but I know that's not possible because on the trip I've already disappeared in this reality.

My stomach and heart feel like pits of suffering, and my soul feels like its writhing and exploding in agony. I've been feeling this way for 4 days now trying my best to just feel the feelings, but this dark night of the soul feels like it has no resolution. Its like I've peeled back the veil of reality and seen the truth, and the truth is infinite, alone, and despairing. I can now remember the trip whenever I want, but because I can remember how I felt and what I knew during that trip any notion of who I am and what is real has no ground. Everything feels fake and imaginary and I feel trapped in this hopeless meaningless ride of existence & nothingness. Everyone and everything in my life is just something I am imagining and I'm completely alone. I am in complete hell. The truth is complete hell. I want to end.

 

Your post sounds authentic and very intriguing. I feel like I need to break my promise of being permanently out of this forum so I can respond to you.

Your post fucked my mind, but not because of your realization and experience of being God, alone, and eternally imagining everybody and everything in existence. But because of the despair and horror you felt as a reaction. 

What you have realized and experienced is very beautiful and inspiring. It is the best accomplishment or experience a human can ever have. It is better than founding amazon and being the richest man, surpassing Bill Gates. It is even better than having a child or two with the most beautiful woman in the world and travelling to other countries to enjoy your concubines. Nothing comes close to the beauty and grandness of that truth. 

Being God and alone, eternally imagining existence sounds so good. It makes me feel tremendous love and admiration. But somewhere in my soul, exists a deep disappointment. Considering the evil, unfairness, cruelty, and the amount and variety of suffering in the world, it basically means I am God having a self-inflicted nightmare.     

I have been doing self-development for many years and have developed stable self-love. I also regularly spend time in nature alone, contemplating and admiring the beauty and mystery of existence. And I love my aloneness. So that's probably the biggest reason why my reaction is opposite to yours.

I envy you for experiencing such beauty and grandness. I can't see I am God and I am all there is. Yes, I am a part of God, but not full God. How can you and I be simultaneously full God? God is supposed to be only one. There are 7 billion full Gods on this planet? It's senseless.

I think I need to try psychedelics in the future. Meditation, contemplation and introspection have not been sufficient to give me the answers to the questions "Who is the deepest I?" and "What is the deepest existence?".

I have questions for you.

1. Did you ingest psilocybin mushrooms? What was the exact breed or type?

2.  How did you ingest it? Raw, boiled, or infused?

3. Were you alone during the trip? What time was it?

4. Did you do any preparations before the trip?

Please answer as detailed as possible. Thanks!

I want to experience what you experienced.

 

 

[Breakingthewall]

@BakeJeyner Maybe what works for me will work for you when the cosmos seems scary, strange, empty, horrible, after a psychedelic experience. Observe yourself, your being, your mind. don't think, observe. what you now remember of your visit to the "other side" is a distorted memory. what you observe is the expression of reality. don't analyze it, just be. This is closer to reality than your memories of the psychedelic trip

[bejapuskas]

Please don't discuss drug trafficking here, not allowed. 

[bejapuskas]

15 hours ago, jimwell said:

What you have realized and experienced is very beautiful and inspiring. It is the best accomplishment or experience a human can ever have. It is better than founding amazon and being the richest man, surpassing Bill Gates. It is even better than having a child or two with the most beautiful woman in the world and travelling to other countries to enjoy your concubines. Nothing comes close to the beauty and grandness of that truth.

The truth is not only sweet or good in in the relative sense. 

15 hours ago, jimwell said:

I envy you for experiencing such beauty and grandness. I can't see I am God and I am all there is. Yes, I am a part of God, but not full God. How can you and I be simultaneously full God? God is supposed to be only one. There are 7 billion full Gods on this planet? It's senseless.

You are just confusing yourself and others by saying you are not God and whatever else. You will not find your answers with this kind of black and white thinking. Is there only external reality and you observing or are you a part of that reality? Are your eyes reality's eyes?

There can be this fear, but then you can also fear being only infinite and not being able to explore yourself as a finite being or being able to create your own life as a finite being etc. I don't know if I am making any sense to you now, but that's what I suspect the op was experiencing.

[BakeJeyner]

I wanted to post another status update for you all.

First of all, I feel so blessed to have so much support. Thank you. I'm still reading all of your replies, and even though some of your insights are a little to advanced for me to fully grasp I am doing my best to learn from them. I don't have a lot of energy to spare to respond to each and every post, but for those who asked me direct questions I'll answer them in a follow up post. And I know I said I was going to take a break, but avoidance feels worse than confrontation. The only way out is through.

Analysis of my current state: I feel what I'm going through is a complete deconstruction of my sense of reality and self, and therefore extreme fear (Leo's fear guide explained a lot), ego backlash, and doom/despair. My ego wasn't ready to experience oneness, infinity, and god consciousness, and I fully rejected, resisted, and feared it. Now it feels like I'm at a double-bind crossroads. No matter what I try and do, I have a sense of "I'm not ok" and it kills me. But I'm definitely handling this entire experience better than last Monday. Progress lol.

But rather than regurgitate what I think is wrong, I think it would be better to post some of my insights/questions I've been rubbing up against in regards to this experience.

How to be Ok: My main concern. When I feel ok, nothing really matters. Who cares wtf is going on if I'm feeling ok through all of it. So how do I facilitate this sense that everything is ok when I seem to uncontrollably react in a not-ok fashion?

How to accept the unacceptable: One thing Leo said in his guide about fear is that you have to be willing to experience the thing you fear. But this feeling of despair feels like the opposite of acceptance. I think my biggest fear is that I will feel infinitely more and more horrible, more and more not ok, more and more insane, more and more just hell. How in the hell am I supposed to be willing to experience not wanting to experience? It feels like a contradiction.

Day vs Night: In the mornings/day, I feel completely not ok and Hellish. However, when nighttime rolls around it feels like I start to not care, and I feel ok. Like my conscious state of fear and despair slowly transforms into a conscious state of being my old content self. Granted I still have the uneasiness in the back of my mind, but the things that usually scare the shit outta me and make me feel horrible just affect me less. I can actually enjoy things and I don't feel like I'm absolutely insane and lost all the time.

Conscious State: Yesterday while working I realized that consciousness is just a state. For instance: you are conscious of your experience right now, but when taking psychedelics your existence can become that of a beer bottle. You are no longer who you were, you are now a beer bottle. But that begs the question of why am I experiencing this conscious state? Why do I feel that I have a sense of self, why does it feel like I have free will, and why is this conscious state so consistent? The answer I came to is that this consistent conscious state is all a game of hide & seek with our true Self,  but even to that you can ask "why are we playing hide and seek". How does Leo have such a sense of purpose and contentedness with his life when it all boils down to a conscious state that can be nullified at any second? How do I feel ok knowing that I don't really exist and that everything "real" is just a state of consciousness?

And lastly what I've been doing to try and get through this:

1. Face my feelings. I've been trying to let all my feelings in and to feel them without wanting to change them. I've been trying to accept "x is true", rather than being afraid of "x". But it feels like rather than processing these feelings, that these feelings are just getting stronger and stronger and dragging me deeper and deeper.

2. Meditation. I've been trying to meditate at least an hour a day. For now my main focus is mindfulness & observation.

3. Research. I've been watching Leo's videos that relate to my current situation. They give me a sense of great comfort that what I'm going through can get better, and that I can be ok again if I keep moving forward. The videos also give me great ideas of additional things I can try to get through this.

4. Talking. I've been talking with my girlfriend about all this like crazy, and I've also been talking with my therapist. It makes me feel a little better to talk, but having the thought that "they aren't real", or "they are just me" kills me.

5. Journaling. I've been keeping a journal of my thoughts and of different strategies I want to try out.

6. Taking it easy at night. Like I said above, I just start to feel better about everything around night time, so I use that time to try and chill out, have some relief, and go to bed at a good time. Taking it easy in the day however feels impossible.

I'm still very confused, but I'm doing my best to keep moving forward day after day. I look forward to any insights you may have. Thank you.

[BakeJeyner]

@Someone here

On 12/3/2020 at 10:48 PM, Someone here said:

I had a similar experience a week ago in a dream. And I asked about confirmation in here. Did you become conscious that all infinite potential will become actual? Once can certainly imagine infinte scenarios.. But does it necessarily have to be manifested in a alternative reality. 

I did not become conscious that all infinite potential will become actual. It felt more like I experienced a sliver of infinity, but I immediately knew that sliver was infinity. Like traveling into a fractal. I also had no notions of alternate realities, it felt more like reality was being bended rather than me traveling to other realities.

@bejapuskas

On 12/5/2020 at 5:25 AM, bejapuskas said:

On 12/3/2020 at 3:58 PM, BakeJeyner said:

I am generally not very creative.

I wonder why you believe this.

I more so meant that historically I have not been very creative/expressive, nor have I historically identified with being a creative/expressive person.

@jimwell

On 12/6/2020 at 1:36 PM, jimwell said:

Your post fucked my mind, but not because of your realization and experience of being God, alone, and eternally imagining everybody and everything in existence. But because of the despair and horror you felt as a reaction. 

I know right. One reaction it's all so beautiful and meaningful, but my reaction is that of despair. It really sucks because I put all my faith into "enlightenment" (whatever that means lol) to make me feel better and give me life purpose and bliss, but now its the source of ultimate despair. Also sorry for pulling you out of "permanently leaving this forum", but also not sorry  <3.

On 12/6/2020 at 1:36 PM, jimwell said:

I have questions for you.

Because we aren't supposed to be talking about this, I'll try to answer as properly as possible while staying within the guidelines. Everyone loves cryptic messages right?

I've already stated what caused this experience, and I don't know anything more specific than what I've stated.

The first time I try something I like to try it in the most basic form.

I wouldn't want to put myself into a possibly dangerous situation alone. I also prefer not to drink when the sun is out.

Generally, I prepare for traveling by doing a little bit of work over the course of a couple weeks leading up to the trip rather than cramming all that work in right before I leave.

On 12/6/2020 at 1:36 PM, jimwell said:

I want to experience what you experienced.

I think what I experienced is nothing compared to the other experiences people here have had. I think others would have far greater advice than anything I can produce.

[BakeJeyner]

One last thing I would like to note is that my posts might become a lot more simple, focused, and frequent in the future. Typing out these TLDR's is fun and all, but switching it up never hurt.

[Someone here]

8 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

I did not become conscious that all infinite potential will become actual. It felt more like I experienced a sliver of infinity, but I immediately knew that sliver was infinity. Like traveling into a fractal. I also had no notions of alternate realities, it felt more like reality was being bended rather than me traveling to other realities.

Yeah I don't really understand what you are saying. 

Let's say I imagine a world in my mind.. Does this world exist "somewhere" as actually? Is this what does it mean to say that reality is unlimited?