Complete Existential Despair After Psybicilin Trip: I'm in Hell

[Display_Name]

It’s good news honestly, just seems like there’s a final “step” missing (not really, what “you” are experiencing is also Completeness, no matter how unpleasant) all this “fear” and “hell” is just more content happening to no one, you see.

”You” are just Happening, to no one. Negative projections onto the Eternal are also more Content happening, but to NO ONE.

There are memories of the same kind of experience here. Realizing the Eternal, then being quite unsettled by the Eternal and wanting to rather end than be eternal, when that “end game” failsafe of death no longer exists, because there’s no one to die and nowhere to die to.

That unsettlement is still just nothing happening to no one, though.

In the end, just nothing.

The thing is, as soon as there’s a “You” in any form, reacting to any thing, boom you’re dreaming.

You ARE the dream.

 

Thats just the experience here, atleast. Tomorrow “I” will trip again as well and probably “fall” into the same “pit” again LOL

Edited December 3, 2020 by Display_Name

[BakeJeyner]

 

@Malekakisioannis

Thank you, I really appreciate how friendly you sound. It feels very nurturing in this bizzare time.

1 hour ago, Malekakisioannis said:

This too shall pass.

Preach it brother! That statement was one of the first things that brought me relief from my depressing times. Thank you for the well needed reminder.

1 hour ago, Malekakisioannis said:

get off psychedelics and especially mushrooms for...maybe forever i would say.it was a big mistake for you to take 6 grams.and even more stupid to try your luck with mushrooms again. You should stay away from these solipsistic nihilistic mindset you have built.part of the problem is your belief in what Leo says.stay off this forum as well.come back when you feel better again.

I'm definitely staying away from drugs for a while (except marijuana when I get a little too overwhelmed). I know I was an idiot in my usage, and I view this as a great humiliating and humbling moment.

In terms of the nihilistic and solipsistic mindset: it feels like I KNOW these things rather than believe these things, but I easily succumb to illusion and who's to say my shroomed out mind wasn't just fooling myself. And no discredit to anyone who takes psychedelics, but how can you know that you know, and that the "knowing" isn't just an insanely real feeling belief. I have a feeling Leo did a video on that topic though lol.

1 hour ago, Malekakisioannis said:

trust me I have been through this.your ego will reconstruct in a month or so.try a different psychedelic next time like DMT.it doesnt mess with your mind like mushrooms do.but dont rush it.take some time yo integrate.

I will try and have faith that I will come back together and feel ok again. Your words speak to me and help me to think that I can get better. Thank you so very much!

[BakeJeyner]

@Adamq8

1 hour ago, Adamq8 said:

I can relate 100% m8, gone through it too, just now that those feelings you have now will pass. 

Everything will be normal again but deep down you know.

Somehow it will add to your life experience after you come through this phase. 

It is good that you share this and realize that we can help even if you feel like you are all alone.

It will pass. 

And this is heaven right here, you will start to notice that this is the best creation there is.

We are here for this reason i feel.

This is a beatiful world and creation.

This message gives me a lot of hope.

I like how you said "deep down you know", because it feels like this is something I can't forget, and additionally like its something I've always known. When I was in the middle of the bad trip, its like I knew that I was always this awareness and I would tell myself "you can always come back to this" and "you have always been this", and I experienced the infinite cycle of forgetting and remembering the ultimate truth about who I am.

My reactions to that experience are ones of lonely oneness and despair, but I hope that with time I can flip those reactions into connected oneness and bliss.

I'm still very uncertain, but your words give me hope that there is light somewhere in this dark void. Thank you.

[Rilles]

@BakeJeyner Rule 1: Never go for a refill. Wait it out. But now you got the full monty so you dont have to go back atleast. Long vacation for you! 

[BakeJeyner]

@Nahm

51 minutes ago, Nahm said:

The thinking that you ‘got spiraled’, vs appreciating the creative power that you are, by recognizing & aligning feeling, intentions, attitude, perspectives, choices, etc, led to ‘solving’ this with spirituality / psychedelics, rather than inspecting what was going on with you. They essentially do ‘solve’ it, but by revealing to you that what wasn’t feeling good to you was not the circumstances, but the thoughts & perspectives about circumstances. The discovery that how you feel is entirely reflective of outlook and the letting go of reactionary patterns is a natural experience.

I do like the separation between circumstances and my perspectives on those circumstances. I'm trying to do my best to separate the experience of the trip from my reaction to the experience of the trip, but man my ego is really good at fighting. This is a really valuable insight for me, and I'll do my best to become more aware of my reactions to circumstance.

51 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Unless you  add an absorbent amount of psychedelics all in one trip. Then you see the whole show all at once and overwhelm yourself. Then it seems you doubled down on the prior outlook, rather than hearing the message. 

Ya when trying to find a message in this, the thing that pops out the most is this dreadful fear I have about what reality is. I've been trying to feel and let go of that feeling, but the experience & its attached emotion feel so woven together that they seem one in the same. Hopefully I can start to put some space between those things as I continue to process and integrate. Thank you for your insights.

Lol I forgot that was only the first part of your message. I'm going to edit in the rest of my response.

Edited December 3, 2020 by BakeJeyner

[Leo Gura]

9 minutes ago, Rilles said:

But now you got the full monty so you dont have to go back atleast.

Don't give him wrong ideas.

He's far from the Full Monty.

[Rilles]

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Don't give him wrong ideas.

He's far from the Full Monty.

I didnt mean for good. I mean he way got more than what he needed for now. Wouldnt wanna end up in the looney-bin. He can go back after integration.

Edited December 3, 2020 by Rilles

[vinc3nc]

@BakeJeyner I went through the same thing twice last year. First I took 8 grams of mushrooms and saw hell for the first time. That was my 3rd or 4th trip. Then a few months later I "only" took 3 grams because I just wanted to listen to some music (thought that was considered low dose at the time and it was no big deal), and I went through hell again, but this time the hell felt even worse. Because once you open the genie lamp, you can't close it ever again.

The worst thing now is that even weed does the same thing for me, which is why I had to completely stop smoking it.

[BakeJeyner]

@Nahm

Decided to capture the rest of my response in a follow up post instead

55 minutes ago, Nahm said:

With a foundation of daily meditation, the thoughts (about circumstances) which don’t resonate, are let go, and the activity of the mind rests. The body empties of resistance. Clarity & understanding arises. Then, when you take a trip, you don’t resist, you breathe, relax, and more unconditionally enjoy the wildly amazing ride. 

That does a great job to explain to me how mediation can start to help me process this. Having a path forward really gives me hope.

56 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Because there wasn’t a proper foundation, the mind ran amuck with resistance. This is indicative of the day to day ‘monkey mind’, aka ruminating or overthinking, which is perpetuated by misinterpreting the role of thought, and under appreciating the role of attitude, or, outlook. So a ton of resistance, and a ton of mental misinterpretation, resulted in a dramatically increased suppression of feeling, which exacerbated the ruminating (worry etc) of the mind. Another way to say that, is the mind sought outwardly for resolve, avoiding feeling, which is suffering. 

Another great explanation! I've been doing my best to try and face, feel, and accept as much of the negative emotion as possible without trying to change them. They just bring me into such a dark, alone, confusing, and terrifying place where no amount of acceptance seems to be changing that feeling after the past 4 days. I have to keep pushing through it though: what you resist persists.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

The stomach is effected by the beliefs around not digesting your outlook, because the perspectives don’t resonate with feeling, but are held nonetheless at the expense of suffering. The heart is effected because the perspectives that you felt discord with were expanded rather than let go. The misunderstanding & misinterpretation of thought & feeling was exaggerated & projected on the meta...rather than being let go or seeking understanding and or discovering resonating interpretations, regarding the fore mentioned habit of unconscious projection. That is, believing how you feel is because of circumstances, and carrying (trying to) your conditions into the unconditional. Those conditions resumed rather immediately. From going to fast on the trip, it’s a blur vs an opportunity of inspection.

Ya I'm still learning how to let go. I was told to hold the feeling/emotion in your awareness and to do your best to relax and let the feeling live there. It just feels like the mind-melting trip not only brings out overwhelming emotion, but also makes me question what's real. And when I can't be sure anything is real, it feels like all of these negative emotions are here to stay. These explanations are definitely something I'll need to re-read and digest more, so sorry if my responses are getting a little weary.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Indicative of the same misunderstanding. The belief is that you can remember feeling in the past. The misunderstanding persists though the actuality of feeling (in the present) of resistance is loud & clear. (But unfortunately not understood and thus heard and integrated). 

Lol but the past feels so real! Thanks for pointing out that what I remember isn't necessarily what reality was; that should help relieve this feeling of doom.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

The hell is the fore mentioned misunderstandings which make it very difficult to find your way to resonating with truth. The key is scrutinizing how you’re looking at things, interpreting. When a perspective doesn’t resonate, choose a better feeling thought. Be less concerned with the truth, accuracy, ‘rightness’ of the thought, and care about how you feel. 

I have a good amount of work to do separating the truth from the resistance. Again this brings me hope that I can come to terms with this eventually.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Get understanding. Talk to some. Experience healing modalities. Write about how you feel in the moment and realize more emotional intelligence / understanding. 

Great practical advice. I'm definitely going to break out my journal more often. I've been talking with my gf about this, and I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.

You definitely have a lot of analysis here, and I will try my best to pull as much away from it as possible. Thank you for the time you spent to help me through this.

[vibv]

@vinc3nc It took years before I could enjoy psychedelic substances again. But now it's better than ever. It will be just totally clear that I'm God. It honestly just feels like the intelligence available to me gets boosted.

That doesn't mean that it's not possible to get entangled in some egoic story or something like that and experience a little bit of self-created hell and suffer. But that's only when I didn't prepare enough, and it will not happen again even when I trip right after with a proper mindset.

To surrender or not is the only difference.

[BakeJeyner]

@Recursoinominado

1 hour ago, Recursoinominado said:

I feel you, bro.

Once you go through a certain point, there is no going back.

Metaphysical realizations tend to be scary at first, all you need to do is do your best to integrate it.

Practice presence, like you, are in the center of a hurricane.

Doesn't matter what happens, just practice presence, acceptance, and love.

I definitely feel this way. Like I don't know how I can be grounded and happy again after experiencing what I did. I definitely feel that the times I am the best are the times when I am in the complete now.

1 hour ago, Recursoinominado said:

I am also in a place where Reality became so fluid it is scary like i am perpetually in a microdose of shrooms or something. It is hard to ground myself in such a fluid context but what can i do besides continue to try? It is not like you have a choice like it was said to you: you are falling, groundless, you can scream in despair or you can bliss out in pure acceptance. 

Think like this: how would a Master Zen or Buddha deal with this situation? 

Have you ever thought about the perspective of a spiritual master? Do you think he lives in a groundless reality or a material one? He is probably experiencing a constant mindblowing Reality but keeping his shit together by flowing with it as a non-stop meditation practice. 

This brought that feeling of despair back, but the despair feels so true. Like I was feeling pretty good typing out to all of you, but this message reminded me that nothing happening is real and that its just something I'm constructing on a higher level of consciousness. I know I need to accept that reality, but man it's hard.

And in terms of the masters, I still have hope that there is reason for elevating your consciousness and that it is good in the end. David Hawkins said something along the lines of "All the great masters tell us to look within. They wouldn't do that if what you would find there is bad".

I don't want to believe that I'll have to live a life of constant mediation just to keep myself from going insane, but I can't resist that idea can I now lol.

Thank you for your response, and I hope you find your resolution as well.

[BakeJeyner]

@bejapuskas

1 hour ago, bejapuskas said:

I am sorry this happened to you, at least next time you will know how the right dosage is important. There is no shortcut to this. I understand that it can often feel like you are stuck in sameness and things cycling over and over again, while nothing new is created. But you can actually create new things, have you tried?

Thank you for your condolences. And even though this trip was insane and utterly overwhelming, I think bad trips are good trips that haven't been processed properly.

I love your outlook on creation, I am generally not very creative. I'll add that on my list of healing activities to try. Thanks for the advice.

[BakeJeyner]

@Leo Gura

Let me know if you would rather me not tag you in the future, I know you're a busy man.

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

4 grams of mushrooms would be a very difficult trip for me, on the verge of insanity.

It's very comforting to hear that you would also have trouble with this. It means a lot to know that the insanity I'm feeling (and it does feel absolutely insane) would be similar to someone who has put far more work into this field.

But what puzzles me more is what is insanity? I've typed out and deleted many different explanations, but I have to admit that I have no idea what insanity is. It feels like I have no idea what anything is really, if it's all imagined.

[BakeJeyner]

@dflores321

1 hour ago, dflores321 said:

I've been there man. Not the exact same story but tough trip on acid. I woke up the next morning so fucked up and confused I thought I was done. 

Turns out that trip changed me for the better in the long run. 

Notice that you're ultimately scared of your Self. 

Ya I definitely feel fucked up, confused, and like eternal doom is all that there is. And I'm hoping this will make me better in the long run. A specific problem I'm running into is that my grip on reality seems permanently messed up, and that runs deeper than I can exlplain.

1 hour ago, dflores321 said:

Notice that you're ultimately scared of your Self. 

Great note! During my journaling I noted that I am scared of letting go of who I currently am / I'm scared of becoming my true self because of the possible eternal doom it carries with it. Thats a big battle I have to face.

Thank you for sharing.

[BakeJeyner]

@vibv

1 hour ago, vibv said:

I feel you. Was at a very similar point in my past.

Turns out it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me, but that took me years to realize.
But eventually it happened - and it will happen for you, too, someday.

Meditate. Take your time. Take it easy. Relax.

I can tell you: It's all gonna be good. You're in for quite some surprises. Buckle up and enjoy the ride!

Thank you so much. Just hearing that things will be ok do a wonder for my eternal doom outlook.

When writing this post, I was thinking "what can any of my imaginary friends tell me that will make me feel better". And so far, the best answer I've gotten from you and from my girlfriend is "everything is going to be ok" and "you are ok".

Your words take off so much pressure from this crisis; thank you.

[BakeJeyner]

@Display_Name

1 hour ago, Display_Name said:

It’s good news honestly, just seems like there’s a final “step” missing (not really, what “you” are experiencing is also Completeness, no matter how unpleasant) all this “fear” and “hell” is just more content happening to no one, you see.

Me being no one is something I still need to look into and accept. Two nights ago I stumbled across a youtube video called "you do not exist" and it brought forth a similar feeling of doom that I felt when remembering the trip. Thanks for reminding me about this, and I'll add it to my list of healing activities.

I'd also like to note just how much I writhe at thinking I'm not real. I definitely have some work to do there.

[BakeJeyner]

@vinc3nc

1 hour ago, vinc3nc said:

I went through the same thing twice last year. First I took 8 grams of mushrooms and saw hell for the first time. That was my 3rd or 4th trip. Then a few months later I "only" took 3 grams because I just wanted to listen to some music (thought that was considered low dose at the time and it was no big deal), and I went through hell again, but this time the hell felt even worse. Because once you open the genie lamp, you can't close it ever again.

The worst thing now is that even weed does the same thing for me, which is why I had to completely stop smoking it.

Thanks for your point of view. And thanks for expressing a similar dread-tone as me: I don't like hearing it, but I know it needs to be heard. I just hope that dread isn't the end all. Here's to hoping lol.

[BakeJeyner]

Just wanted to say thanks again everyone for your support and advice. I hope I can use it to put myself back together and get out of this living hell. I'm already feeling better, but it feels like I can always re-visit that place of dread at any time: willingly or not willingly.

I have a lot more questions, but I should probably work on them myself. I love you all, and even though you've helped dramatically, I know I need to find my own answers.

That being said, I'll post some of my questions here in case there's any interest:

- How do I feel content/ok, especially given these radical ideas and how insane and disintegrated they make me feel.

- Do I exist, and how do I accept non existence.

- Are other people locally conscious like me, or is my local consciousness the only real thing.

- How can I create actual meaning in a meaningless reality.

- How can I foster a sense of okness in this perceived eternal doom.

- What should be the relationship between me and my ego.

Edited December 3, 2020 by BakeJeyner

[PeaceOut96]

@BakeJeyner What you are describing is exactly what I am going through after my latest trip. I feel u man, its not pleasent to get your reality turned upside down. And especially the part of being all alone as God. I have tripped a good over 17 times now, but with my latest trip, the Aloness which I have already experinced the others times also really hitted me deep. Like I couldnt accept and embrace the fact that I'm all alone. But really its a point of no return, so the wisest thing to do is to fully embrace it and accept it with time and also take it easy and slow

[Nahm]

50 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

@Nahm

I do like the separation between circumstances and my perspectives on those circumstances. I'm trying to do my best to separate the experience of the trip from my reaction to the experience of the trip, but man my ego is really good at fighting. This is a really valuable insight for me, and I'll do my best to become more aware of my reactions to circumstance.

?

There is much peace in noticing the ‘dialing in’ if you will, is only ever now. Not for a lifetime, days, or even second. Only now, and that is enough. This slows everything down, and it is much easier to feel grateful & appreciative of whatever is, and less conditional as to how it should be. Write the personal ‘how it should he’s’ on a dreamboard, and let the thought of it go. 

50 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

Ya when trying to find a message in this, the thing that pops out the most is this dreadful fear I have about what reality is. I've been trying to feel and let go of that feeling, but the experience & its attached emotion feel so woven together that they seem one in the same. Hopefully I can start to put some space between those things as I continue to process and integrate. Thank you for your insights.

Lol I forgot that was only the first part of your message. I'm going to edit in the rest of my response.

Consider taking your heavy labelling hand of “fear” off of feeling...and considering your perspective is just, not true. 

 

“fear I have about what reality is”

There are logical reasons that doesn’t resonate. That perspective inherently assumes you are separate from reality. -You- “fear” what -it- is. Do you love your mom? Do you feel the love or think it? Do you feel the love only when hugging, only when looking at eachother, only when in the same room, the same house, the same city? Or is that love within you, always accessible, transcendent of space and time (locations of the peeps)? Now think about all the cows that get their throats slit every hour. Wtf right? Where’d the love go? Think about mom again and there it is. Derive from this that feeling is guiding you, in terms of perspectives. Some resonate, some do not.

 “fear I have about what reality is”

You don’t fear a cup, because you have comfort in knowing what it is. A cup is made of a “substance” which equates to Not Knowing. You “fear” what reality is, but you can only “fear” something,  that you don’t know, what it is. Fear is not a property of reality, it is your projection. It doesn’t resonate with you, because again, you are reality - you are not separate from reality. When you assume reality is something to fear, and every fiber of your body (reality) says “No!” - listen to it. Rediscover Letting Go. Don’t hold burning coals in your hand, put them down. Consider saying “fuck this, what if I just love myself, and everyone & anything else too”, “what if I just drop this fifty pound armor and just, don’t know”. Then it’s a mystery, an adventure, of love.

42 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

 

That does a great job to explain to me how mediation can start to help me process this. Having a path forward really gives me hope.

I hear ya. Nothing against hope whatsoever. But, it does perpetuate that something is wrong now, which is the most fundamental misunderstanding / belief. If nothing is wrong now, what need is there for hope. But again, it’s a ‘where you’re at thing’ similar to faith. In any and every case, your absolute best attitude, outlook, and vision for your life feel the best. Everything you will ever want, is to feel your best. All of what we think we want or need to feel our best, is a witch-hunt for that love within. So go directly there by loving. Daily morning meditation is one of the greatest expressions of self love. You can not go wrong, as meditation teaches us to let go of attaching to the thought stories about something being wrong. 

42 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

Another great explanation! I've been doing my best to try and face, feel, and accept as much of the negative emotion as possible without trying to change them.

I get ya. I’ll kick it up a notch (hopefully) by saying “face”... “negative emotions” is still misunderstanding what’s being said. This is believing the thought story “negative emotions”, which is hijacking feeling. There’s no such thing as negative emotions. There are perspectives which are such that your inner being simply can’t join you. Let those perspectives go. An analogy...If you knew that for every dollar you gave me, I would give you ten...what percentage of your money would you give? The dollar is a voluntary thought...the ten dollars are the insight the source gives you when you let the thought in discord, go. You simply feeling better and better. You’ll feel so good it’ll get out of hand. You’ll have to think of those cows once & a while to dial it down. 

42 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

They just bring me into such a dark, alone, confusing, and terrifying place where no amount of acceptance seems to be changing that feeling after the past 4 days. I have to keep pushing through it though: what you resist persists.

This is like creating a shitburger, and then accepting it, but missing why it won’t go down so easy. It’s simply because it’s shit. I say this with respect and compassion, fully knowing you’re about done with the taste. That all stops when you realize you’re making the shitburgers and you don’t have to. Not doing that is the relief of ‘I. Don’t. Know’, paired with the deliciousness of a thought about what you do want to create in this life. 

42 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

Ya I'm still learning how to let go. I was told to hold the feeling/emotion in your awareness and to do your best to relax and let the feeling live there. It just feels like the mind-melting trip not only brings out overwhelming emotion, but also makes me question what's real.

This can help you understand it. If you wanna know the nuance of shit burgers, stick your nose right in em. But learn how you’re creating them, see that it derives from misunderstanding. The answer is I Don’t Know. If you knew everything there’d be no possibility of fun, humor, relationship & intimacy exploration, excitement, surprise, passion, etc, etc. Gots to appreciate the goodness that is. Appreciate “makes sense” means feels good. Sensation. Choose perspectives & say, what makes sense, and not coincidently, you feel great. 

42 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

And when I can't be sure anything is real, it feels like all of these negative emotions are here to stay. These explanations are definitely something I'll need to re-read and digest more, so sorry if my responses are getting a little weary.

Don’t apologize for getting help with stuff, triple down on it. Take advantage of every resource available. The perspective “I can’t be sure anything is real”, is met by your inner being which is real af...then the mind hijacks this by labeling the inner being...?...”negative emotions”. Think of mom again, then again, feel the love. Find it’s edges. Find the literal edges of this love. Find it’s beginning. Find it’s end. Find it’s form. Love = No Thing. Love is not “a thing”. Love appears as all these things, love. If that’s true, there are some perspectives to align with good feeling. I’d find out, in the effortless willingness, of letting thoughts which do not serve you, go. Love is like helium. You let go, it fills you up effortlessly. 

42 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

Lol but the past feels so real! Thanks for pointing out that what I remember isn't necessarily what reality was; that should help relieve this feeling of doom.

That’s not exactly what I meant. You’re believing (think of mom again) that feeling is “in a past”. It is enough to recognize you’ve never been without feeling, and you never will. When the mind wanders off into a past or future, and “you don’t like how it feels”...simply let it go. Feeling is here now, always, and can not go to “a past” or “a future”. You are never in “a past” or “a future”. If you want to feel better, go to feeling. Which really is to say, notice when you’re focusing on a thought story about yourself in a past or future. Laugh when you again realize you’re here, now, where feeling is. You, here now, where feeling is, is presence. 

42 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

I have a good amount of work to do separating the truth from the resistance. Again this brings me hope that I can come to terms with this eventually.

That simply will not resonate with your being. There is no work for you to do because there is already nothing wrong. Not with you or reality. Let go of any arising thought to the contrary, if for nothing else, to not keep suffering.  This is where hope backfires...that is a thought story about yourself in a future when you can ‘come to terms with this’. What you really means is ‘when I will feel better’. Let that thought go. Feeling is not in the future. Nothing is wrong with you. You have a dream within you for this life. Start writing it on a dreamboard. Your inner being will be like hell yes let’s create. 

42 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

Great practical advice. I'm definitely going to break out my journal more often. I've been talking with my gf about this, and I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.

?? Express, express, express. Empty both barrels to that therapist. Don’t leave there with anything, no concerns, no worries. Intend to give it all there, and leave it all there. 

42 minutes ago, BakeJeyner said:

You definitely have a lot of analysis here, and I will try my best to pull as much away from it as possible. Thank you for the time you spent to help me through this.

 Anytime. Reading this entire thread which is loaded with great advice and an even greater love once or twice each day, with a night’s sleep in between, imo would be really eye opening, helpful, and healing.

Godspeed and goodness vibes to ya. ?