Crazy awakening cycles & kundalini

[ieskautaves]

Hey guys, it's my first post ever and I hope I will be able to clearly explicate my experiences and hopefully find other fellow warriors that I could relate to.

I'm 23 and I 'found out' about spirituality about 4-3 years ago, after trying mdma for the first time. After that I meditated and did yoga on and off, found out about Ram Dass, Leo, Allan Watts, Teal and others; had around 10 solid psychedelic trips, one was really traumatic (experienced ego death, was definetely not ready for it yet). I also had a couple of dmt trips and about 2 years ago started meditating everyday. Started with 10mins a day, in four months it went up to an hour, since I was preparing to go to my first Vipassana retreat.

 

Anyway long story short it all started in my vipassana retreat, I 'unlocked' something (now I'm pretty sure it's what is being called kundalini) with my first samadhi experience (first such high consciousness exp not drug induced). Since the retreat I can feel energy moving througout my body, sometimes I can't sleep, sometimes I sleep too much. It goes in cycles, those cycles more than often synchronize with moon cycles. I guess those cycles could also be described as ego death/ego backlash cycles? It goes like this: I start to feel distracted and drawn to addictive behaviors (staying on my phone longer than usual, lost in my thoughts more and more, feel more difficult to understand when I am satiated when I eat, harder to meditate etc) and it goes on for a couple of days, then gets worse bit by bit. It's hard to fall asleep, sometimes I stay up all night painting. If I manage to fall asleep, I feel energies going up my body starting from my toes, sometimes I wake up to those at night (at first it was worse, now I kinda got used to it a bit). Then I get to a point when I feel loads of energy inside, flowing from one part of my body to others, but at the same time I feel physically tired. Hard to get anything done, I want to sleep a lot or lay in bed all day. Around at that time I feel that 'something is coming'. Like the energy is ready to shoot out. Then something from 'the outside world' alings with what is going on in with these energies inside me. I find out something really big in therapy, or find a youtube video that blows my mind or something happens in my social life and it feels like it triggers the energy to pour out. In this stage I experience a lot of crying. Ofc, depends on what I find out, sometimes it's beautiful, sometimes it's hella painful. After this vomit of unconscious stuff I experience high states of consciousness in meditation (samadhi experiences if I may call them that way). Extreme love and peacefulness. I also noticed that as I find out something about 'myself' I also find out something about the universe. After those experiences, when I come back to myself, or the ego I guess, my perception is changed. I see life more clearly and I often make positive changes in my personal life. However, the deep samadhi experience triggers more unconscious stuff (my theory from 1,5 year of observation lol) which then after some days of euphoria and peacefulness starts the cycle again.

Since vipassana I meditate 2 times a day, 1h each usually. I journal everyday, go to see a therapist once a week (really helps to ground myself and work through some childhood trauma), paint a lot (I'm a wanabe artist), drink lots of water, doing stretches and so on. I literally do everything that can possibly minimize the craziness of those cycles and was wondering is there anything I'm missing?

It's scary to think that these might last for years or even decades (read somewhere). At first I was worried I awakened my kundalini prematurely and it will not lead to any good, but after several months I understood that there is no such thing as a premature awakening whatsoever. Everything happened as it should have been, and I am thankful for every single second of it, no matter how painful and world shattering this experience is to me. Being more conscious led me to completely change my life for the better.

 

So now I am in a place of acceptance of what is going on, also willingness to move forward and hoping to find ways to facilitate this process. I will be thankful for any comments or advice.

 

[The0Self]

Sounds about right. What keeps you moving forward is consistently knowing what's happening right now. If you are doing something, know what you're doing, and why you're doing it. There is no right or wrong to this stuff. It sounds like you're on a highly conscious path. Keep on meditating, and perhaps do a bit of research into what you could be doing with it. One of my favorite guides for this is Rob Burbea.