Navigating raising a child with a toxic ex

[Jo96]

I was watching this video:

mostly because I think I may have been in a toxic relationship and did not even know it. Toxic by my standards of living, and toxic for how I would like to live my life. This is not to say my ex partner is a bad person, or is inherently evil. But just that it seems apparent that we are entirely unable to interact in a healthy way hence our break up. However here is my conundrum. She is pregnant. We have a child on the way together. So in this situation what is a healthy way to deal with this situation? It seems to me like there isnt a good option. The only thing I can think of that would totally fix the issue is to cut out my Ex partner and the new child from my life. But Im not certain if Ill regret going that route. Am I beholden to a child I never met? Never chose to have? Do I have to constantly interact within a toxic relationship and to sacrifice for that? Society certainly thinks so. What do you guys think? among other things is there any other good solutions? Im not entirely sure. Ive been meditating deeply on this and still haven’t found a good solution. 
 

 

[Preety_India]

Hmm. This is kinda hard. Actually the child never did anything to beholden this. 

Sometimes children are greater and larger than life. 

I can't advice you much. 

Hope things work out. 

 

 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Preety_India

[Jo96]

29 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Hmm. This is kinda hard. Actually the child never did anything to beholden this. 

Sometimes children are greater and larger than life. 

I can't advice you much. 

Hope things work out. 

 

 

Of course the child did nothing wrong. But does it really benefit the child to not meet my own needs? Should the question come from the childs needs first or mine or hers or a balance of all 3? Then finally does benefit the child in any case to be split between two worlds in a potentially toxic situation? 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Jo96 said:

Of course the child did nothing wrong. But does it really benefit the child to not meet my own needs? Should the question come from the childs needs first or mine or hers or a balance of all 3? Then finally does benefit the child in any case to be split between two worlds in a potentially toxic situation? 

I'm sorry. Can't really answer your questions because certain conscience related things are involved here. And the only judge of the self is you 

I'd give more preference to the child personally. 

[Jo96]

6 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

The child is more important than any of your dumb ass goals, or feelings or ideas about yourself will ever be and if you do not care for the human that you brought to life - of which there are methods to prevent this that could have been taken - that makes you irresponsible, stupid and malignant - moreso than your ex.  You suck.  Take care of your kid, dumb ass.

 

You fucked up, that's your fault.  Not the kids.

So if I suck then why would it be a good idea for me to raise a child? Why is a child more important then my goals? Any objective reasoning you can think of that exists that says it must be this way? 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Jo96

[Jo96]

2 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

Cause it's optional.  It's decision based.

If your kid grows up to be a hoodlum and breaks into my house and steals my T.V. you're paying for a new one.

Thats a big assumption that it would turn out that way. Could be more positive either way. Theres no way to know for certain. 

[Jo96]

14 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

of which there are methods to prevent this that could have been taken -

I said that from the beginning of our relationship I never wanted kids. She had a medical condition in which it was not suppose to be possible that she would get pregnant. After we found out I opted for an abortion and she refused. 

[mandyjw]

If you were the child what would you choose? 

[Jo96]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

If you were the child what would you choose? 

Its hard to say. When I was younger I hated my father. I frequently wished I didnt have one. Maybe thats the source of my own fears about it. Im not certain. My father stayed out of social obligation but I always felt it woulda been better if he hadnt. It poisioned his mind to be doing something so long that he didnt wish to do. Which ultimately ruined peoples lives around him 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Jo96

[Jo96]

1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

@Jo96 I'm tryin' ta shock you into responsibility!  Tough love!
You really do, though, have to try to be in the child's life.  Otherwise they end up fucked up for life.  What if that kid ends up being very special?  Someone you would want to know?

I have considered that. That is why im on the fence about it. But from my experiences with my father it is not always this way. 

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, Jo96 said:

Its hard to say. When I was younger I hated my father. I frequently wished I didnt have one. Maybe thats the source of my own fears about it. Im not certain. My father stayed out of social obligation but I always felt it woulda been better if he hadnt. It poisioned his mind to be doing something so long that he didnt wish to do. Which ultimately ruined peoples lives around him 

Why not use that as clarification to be the Dad you wish you would've had? You don't have to sacrifice or give up any of your life dreams for your kid. Don't use your life dreams as an excuse to skip out on your kid and don't use your kid as an excuse to skip out on your life dreams. Either option is fear talking and making excuses. The kid might help you clarify the shit out of your life plans though. It might seem like you're making sacrifices. You've been given a gift. You can have your cake and eat it too. Really. 

You cannot ruin anyone else's life without their permission. Let yourself off the hook, drop this fear and then you'll be free to act from the heart. Also likewise your ex and her influence cannot effect you without you giving it permission. Is it easier to cut someone off so we aren't affected by them? It seems that way in the short term but that's only kicking the can down the road. We'll inevitably run into the same kind of thing down the road with another partner in some other way until we learn to face the issue. 

[DIDego]

Hey! @Keyhole  

Wonderful @Jo96 , have courage to admit for your self and with patient will nothing hinders you from succeed.

You also done next big step, reaching out for answers to try find a solution, after the huge insight about the toxic patterns we all can get trapped in or have been.

 

 

 

[Jo96]

4 hours ago, DIDego said:

Hey! @Keyhole  

Wonderful @Jo96 , have courage to admit for your self and with patient will nothing hinders you from succeed.

You also done next big step, reaching out for answers to try find a solution, after the huge insight about the toxic patterns we all can get trapped in or have been.

 

 

 

 

can you rephrase that? I didnt understand

[JohnD]

Gabor Mate co-authored a book called "Hold On to Your Kids"
https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_4?dchild=1&keywords=gabor+mate&qid=1606922631&sr=8-4

I've heard him talk about working on yourself, doing what's best for the kid's development, and how those relate. Good luck man

[Byun Sean]

if you guys dont want to be together why dont you both just date other people and agree to pay child support and visit every now and then or something?

Just an idea.

[DianaFr]

This child could be an opportunity for you to take a look at your own relationship with your parents and consider accepting responsibility for something that is beyond yourself and your individual needs. This is an opportunity for you to mature. The thing is you are responsible for this child. Of course, it’s up to you to decide what you will do with this responsibility.

[DIDego]

@Jo96 My post was about your question. I try to write more.

In the beginning of my journey i wanted to save the world, put to much focus on that ocean can drain much energy, needed to own development. 

Ofc in case of emergency, but otherwise change your self and the interaction with others can change the situations to the better in the long run.

What can you learn that change you, so your part of the toxic issue can get less or dissolve into something else?

What happens if one part in a problem or a toxic argue changes the approach, how to deal with the situation?

This year have put many people towards a more toxic manner, mostly because of raised fear and pretty exhausting situation with much changes during a long period.

 

Invest in your development and in the long run you get rewards from the efforts, if you have the patient  

Quote: " Healing will happen one step at a time and the better it gets, the better it gets. " - Teal Swan.

On 12/1/2020 at 5:28 PM, Jo96 said:

I was watching this video:

mostly because I think I may have been in a toxic relationship and did not even know it. Toxic by my standards of living, and toxic for how I would like to live my life. This is not to say my ex partner is a bad person, or is inherently evil. But just that it seems apparent that we are entirely unable to interact in a healthy way hence our break up. However here is my conundrum. She is pregnant. We have a child on the way together. So in this situation what is a healthy way to deal with this situation? It seems to me like there isnt a good option. The only thing I can think of that would totally fix the issue is to cut out my Ex partner and the new child from my life. But Im not certain if Ill regret going that route. Am I beholden to a child I never met? Never chose to have? Do I have to constantly interact within a toxic relationship and to sacrifice for that? Society certainly thinks so. What do you guys think? among other things is there any other good solutions? Im not entirely sure. Ive been meditating deeply on this and still haven’t found a good solution. 
 

 

 

[Origins]

@Jo96

Complete responsibility. 

You are the male in this situation, the male always takes more responsibility in my opinion. That's what it means to be a man, I don't want to get into any gender arguments with anyone but women offer many other positives that a man could never match.

Personal responsibility doesn't equal self blame or anything like that, just navigating the situation as intelligently as possible in light of recognising personal responsibility. It means accountability for ones own cause and effect.

You played at least half the part in bringing a consciousness into this existence that is likely going to be brainwashed by a father, mother, culture, education in various ways. Imagine if that child were you. Not only that, other beings on this planet will now be affected by this consciousness you've brought into this plane of existence, that's also your responsibility. 

Self actualisation has nothing to do with pointing inwards, inward focus is a means to an end, the end no where other than higher integration of existence, the consequences of which tend to result in expanding the circumference of ones responsibility rather than solely confining it to ones physical space.

You will do what you will do though. 

For the child, for you, for everyone that you will affect by the decisions you make around this situation, I wish you the greatest strength to make the most courageous decision here that reflects your highest integrity.

[Origins]

@Jo96

To add to my comment just previous.

"Society thinks so", honestly I'm shocked that you don't have an automatic primal instinct that would want you to ensure that your child is protected for as much as is intelligently (with the highest integrity) possible.

This is a non-debate right here. It's biology not society. 

That very inclination is why society is falling a part (it starts with the family home), so you want to know one of the reasons for why in the future it looks like your countries circumstances are bleak? Decisions of fathers to not take responsibility for serious life circumstances like yours.

Don't look to use any other belief system as a scapegoat and anyone here that's supporting any decision to not take responsibility, unless his like mentally handicapped, is a fraud of a mind.

Edited December 4, 2020 by Origins

[Arcangelo]

On 12/1/2020 at 10:28 AM, Jo96 said:

What do you guys think?

Are you asking us if it's OK to abandon YOUR child?