How do healthy relationships work? (Collection of questions)

[Nicachi]

Since i was never teached how healthy relationships work, I am trying to figure it out and learn about it! I am interested in all kinds of relationships but I want to be clear. I will focus my questions on healthy romantic relationships: 

1. Can a toxic relationship be transformed into a healthy relationship? 
2. Should i enter a relationship with psychic issues like depression, anxiety, panic attacks, traumas, sexual abuse, emotional abuse? 
3. What are issues should I overcome, before entering a relationship? 
4. Whith what kind of issues is it okay or even needed to get help from my partner and what are issues i should solve on my own?
5. How do i balance my own needs and the needs of my partner?
6. What role play masculine and feminine energy? 
7. How is it possible to keep the sex exciting?
8. Can a relationship be healthy, or are there always toxic aspects? 
9. How do I differenciate between working on an issue Vs. stop working on it and breaking up?
10. How do I select a partner, what is important to pay attention to (materialistic, financially, appearance, health, same interests...) ? 
11. How to deal with boredom in a relationship? 
12. Is a healthy relationship possible with huge difference between levels of consciousness? 
13. How to prevent entering a toxic relationships (red flags) ?
14. How to differenciate between being attracted by someones appearance and being in love?
15. Whats the difference between being in love and to love someone? 
16. Is it possible to learn how to love (in a healthy way not so much egoistic way)?
17. How do I know if I am ready to enter a relationship or if I am just needy and want my sexual needs being met? 
18. How do I live my spiritual life, growing in selfactualization, rise in consciousness while being in a relationship?
19. When is a relationship distraction? 
20. Is loving someone a feeling, an act, a thought?
21. Is loving someone a conscious decision to make, or does it happen to me?

 

 

I already saw Leo's Videos about relationshisps, how to make people fall in love etc. but they are all more than 5 or 6 years old, not uptodate, and he already shared that he will update them.

Feel free to add questions (also on other relationships, like family, friends, business), awnsers, sources, videos, books, websites, own experiences (...)

 

Much love,

Chioma (GER) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jo96]

I dont have all the answers here but I feel like #2 is a hard no. You should not enter a relationship without having confronting these deep psychological issues. Not only will it harm your partner  but it will harm yourself as your partner will ultimately become a crux to not deal with these issues. With that said if you are already actively working on them, and you state that from the beginning while maintaining all the things you need to be doing to deal with your trauma then I think it can be possible in this rare situation. 
 

3. is kinda the same answer. You should not  be seeking a relationship as avoidance of working on yourself. With that said though its probably impossible to be totally perfect and so we do the best we can. I would personally only enter a relationship if I could be alone completely without seeking one actively for some time. 
 

4. Asking for help isnt inherently bad. You are asking us for help right now. Is that toxic? What is toxic is when you expect help, and refuse to help yourself. 
 

5. This one can be very challenging I would be curious about whoever can give a solid answer for this one. I think but I do not know that maybe the flaw is in the word of needs. We do not need, We desire moment to moment. The main issue I see around needs is the expectation of fullfillment from another. What I desire moment to moment is and should not be conditional on controlling what another does. However with that said if your partner is causing you suffering on a regular basis then you should probably get out of that relationship. 
 

6. I do not know so I wont answer this

 

7. Explore new fantasies. Try new things. Just like everything else in life if you do the same thing over and over again it gets stale. You wouldnt eat the same kinda food everyday, and you wouldnt want the same kinda sex daily either. Personally Im not sure for that reason monogamy is practical. 
 

8. There is usually toxic aspects whenever survival is brought into a relationship.( usually it is because we have egos)

 

9. This is where its important to set up healthy boundaries from the beginning. It may even be useful to write them down so later on in the relationship you can see the hard Nos, and maybes that you can work on and are not willing to work on.

 

10.  This is very subjective but for me I would look at first that they dont uncheck certain boxes such as addictions, psychological issues, finance issues, insecurities, and other such things. Then if you are lucky to find someone who meets all of these and you are attracted to then I would look to see how giving they are? Do they have healthy boundaries? How are they with their family friends and coworkers? How do they treat a waiter or waitress? Do their values and life style choices line up with yours? A lot of this is found during the dating process and is the whole point of going on dates. 
 

11. This is probably more of a personal issue that can easily be fixed by spiritual work or by finding new hobbies. 
 

12. I dont know, probably not unless you are very conscious.

13. See number 10 and 9

14. This one is too nuanced and Im still grappling with the realization around love. I dont wanna give you any wrong ideas.

15. I would look at leos video on love

17. I would say that it is probably not healthy to deny your sexual needs, but im not certain beyond that. 
 

18. This one is very tricky. You must have the right partner.

19. when you dont have a balance between alone time and relationship.

20. Love is everything that exists

21. Both

 

[Nicachi]

@Jo96 thank you so much for sharing all your awnsers. Your point of view is very interesting and I surely share some aspects with you. 

 

I appreciate your time for the reply!!

[Jo96]

38 minutes ago, Nicachi said:

@Jo96 thank you so much for sharing all your awnsers. Your point of view is very interesting and I surely share some aspects with you. 

 

I appreciate your time for the reply!!

Im still struggling to navigate this myself. I would love to hear any points you disagreed on ?

[Jacob Morres]

Cool - I actually just posted the same question in a diff thread

[Nicachi]

@Jacob Morres where?? ?

[Nicachi]

36 minutes ago, Jo96 said:

Im still struggling to navigate this myself. I would love to hear any points you disagreed on ?

Yea same here, i just thought about writing some of my thoughts and questions down to clear my mind up on what it is i really do not understand yet. 

Sure i will share the points i may not agree fully or where it is still not clear to me: 

4. Why is it toxic to expect help from your partner? Of course i see the point in expectations, that they mostly lead to disappointments. But what i am asking here is how much help is still healthy, since i had a men in my life who really wanted to help me in sso many aspects and somehow it felt kinda clingy. I was asking myself, is it okay that he is so into it or is he too clingy? 

5. i guess there might be a difference between needs and desires isnt it? But still in a relationship there are very subjective needs the person have; otherwise why would they want to be in the relationship besides loving each other. I guess love is not enough to be in a relationship do you agree? 

7. Monogamy and Polygamy is another thing I am thinking about. Me too i am unsure if monogamy is practical, especially for a long term relationship 

10. Okay i see your point here, still I am pretty unsure when it comes to all those factors. Ofc i want to check out their life situation on finances, psychological issues and stuff like that, but how do i sort out the things that do not work for me? Maybe someone fulfills every aspect that i seek to find but is financially not stable. Or someone who is really into spirituality and self help but still struggles with his emotional development. You see what i mean? I think it is very hard to chose someone and expect them to fulfill so much. On the other hand, they would make my life worse with certain unfulfilled points. Very twisted thing. 

12. But when you are so conscious, that you'd be with someone who is on a much lower level do you think it would workout? Especially when your level of consciousness develops in the relartionship more than your partners level, i doubt that it can work properly. 

17. Yeah it is not about denying my sexual needs. It is more about figuring out what makes me feel attracted to someone. Do i relly want to be with this person for the rest of my life/a long time or am i just selfish because i want sex, cuddle, enjoy time with him/her for now? I think this one is kinda tricky. I dont want to fool myself.

20. Ofc but then you could be together with everybody. I think this awnser is too wishy washy on this question. Love is everywhere right, but when it comes to being in love or loving someone i guess there are slighly differences. How do I know that i love someone? does it show in my thoughts?, my gut feeling? my heart?  Is it even possible to decide to just love this one person this one partner, since love is everything that is here ? 

[xxxx]

I will try to answer the questions with my best capacity. I have not read the answers posted by other people; if my answers do overlap with the other ones, look past it.

1) Healthy relationships, toxic relationships, other kind of relationships --- all involve people. People always have a scope for change. Where you need to pay heed to is whether the partners are willing to walk that path towards the advancement of themselves, as individuals first, and then as companions. So, yes, definitely --- any kind of relationship can be transformed in a positive sense, given that the parties involved make the effort, and take steps in the needed direction.

2) There are three aspects that come to my mind: awareness, acceptance and growth. Both the parties involved in the relationship need to be completely aware, should completely accept and should be willing enough to grow through it no matter what --- this is the condition that applies here. If one chooses to hide these issues, do not go forward. If you notice that mid-way, you or your partner are unable to deal with it, respect that, and walk away. Be open, and be mindful, for there is another person involved, as well. You will be an important factor in their life, so be sure to not put responsibility which is more than they can bear. Learn and communicate about each other's sensitive points so that you know the boundaries, and work through them at a comfortable pace - that will help you heal.

There is this beautiful concept called kintsukuroi.

"In Japan, there is an art form called kintsukuroi which means “to repair with gold." When a ceramic pot or bowl would break, the artisan would put the pieces together again using gold or silver lacquer to create something stronger, more beautiful, than it was before. The breaking is not something to hide. It does not mean that the work of art is ruined or without value because it is different than what was planned. Kintsukuroi is a way of living that embraces every flaw and imperfection. Every crack is part of the history of the object and it becomes more beautiful, precisely because it had been broken."

3) See, we all go through life, and life never stops surprising us. We can never get rid of issues, but we can recognize them, and see if they are the long-term ones or short-term ones. Long term ones should be worked on constantly. The biggest one is that you should never look at your partner as an indispensable extension of you. Learn how to be self-sufficient, cultivate self-love, and other good things will follow. For this, you need to be serious about your personal development and spiritual work.

4) You partner should only aid you in what you are individually working over, with much sincerity. There's no good issue, bad issue, neutral issue here- an issue is an issue, and if you are serious about working on it, and if your partner recognizes that, they will be supportive, regardless. Aren't all relationships like that? I work, you work, we both work, and we're done.

5) By recognizing boundaries. An adage comes to my mind now, "you can take a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink." Do not force anything. Navigate through your spaces effectively. If you push your needs over theirs, and vice-versa, it is going to create issues with contentment in a relationship. 

6) I advise you read some books, watch some videos about it. There are plenty, and this isn't a concept that you can use loosely. Gain a thorough understanding of the same. 

7) Connect at an emotional level, try new things, explore your deepest fantasies, be okay with being vulnerable once you are sure about the individual, and things will follow. Also, maybe read something like the Kamasutra.

8) Already answered that.

9) Okay, this is how I would differentiate it.

Working on an issue: it is you both vs the problem. You come together, act mature, communicate and work your way out of it. 

If this is not possible, do the latter, i.e. stop working on it and break up. If your partner gaslights you, puts you down, and if it turns into 'you vs them' in a bitter manner, let go.

10) See, this is very subjective. Think about your goals in life, be sure about your core values, and once you are sure about who you are as an individual, you will find someone, and even if they lack in one of those aspects, if you healthily manage through it, you can make that relationship work. 

11) Boredom in a relationship arises primarily due to the fact that you both are trying to derive fun from the relationship solely. The relationship is one of the major areas for you to have the kind of fun you want, but it can't be your only hope. Learn how to be independent, establish this with your partner, and as two distinct individuals, you bring fun to the table; you are not deriving it from their actions, then --- relationships are not usually that difficult, it all basically begins with self-love, and other good things just follow.

12) Here, I would express a bit of a concern. It is difficult, unless both the parties have a willingness to work towards a high conscious kind of a life. Usually, it is difficult to convince another who is not able to understand your ways of life, and if they come from a state of consciousness that isn't well-formed, they may in-turn make it miserable for you, because they do not understand you.

13) Already answered.

14) Everything starts with attraction. True, comfortable romantic love only comes later. Wait for it, and you will know it yourself. Some may fall in love within months, some may take years. That's why - know yourself and your attachment style.

15) I think both are mutually inclusive, in my opinion. 

16) Yes. Spiritual development is the key. You are on this forum; it shows you are working towards it. Go ahead.

17) Again, self-love. Do you feel like you 'need' someone, or 'want' someone. Need is an indispensable thing, and it does not show enough love for self. Want here is like, you are happy with yourself, and you would like to share it with someone. Here, someone comes into your life, which you anyway love, and you both share it with each other. 

18) You will know it. Get into spiritual development, and the doors will open all by themselves. 

19) Answered it. When you are so busy with keeping up with the other person and their needs, that you forget you have yours. Both the people in a relationship need to be aware of it. 

20) Love is everything. No boxes to put it into.

21) I believe that it is a decision that needs to be consciously made. There will be someone who will evoke romantic feelings in you, but the decision to be with them or not should be conscious, considering the many factors involved.

This is what I think, and this is subjective; others may disagree.

Hope this helps. 

All the best, @Nicachi.

All love, 

 

Edited December 2, 2020 by xxxx