Thoughts On "my" Life. Seeking For Advice.

[Jani]

"You're an adult man" "You're acting childishly" "You're just taking naps and drinking coffee"
"You're lazy" "You just play videogames" "You do nothing here" "You will have to pay us for living here"

All these statements are occuring more often day by day as I've grown up. I don't feel
like these statements and labels have done their supposed thing on me. The only thing
they've done to me is make me slightly depressed, closed, angry, insecure. All that will happen
through the usage of these labels and statements is that I will grow into the mask 
of behavior they are expecting from me and all the stuff I liked and all my old behavior that came
more naturally gets beaten out of me. It's now suppressed, it's still there and I can only let it 
out in really secure surroundings. This is not how you're supposed to raise a human from child to 
an adult. It has only scarred and hurt me, and made my actions motivated largely by fear.
I realize the expectations that are set for me from society, but I feel so unmotivated and anxious to 
even start to fill those expectations. And then again this lack of motivation and anxiety is expressed
in various forms and it will just be reinforced by the mockery and punishment. I want to move
out on my own but money is required and I don't know how to get it besides working some shitty 
job which doesn't sound good at all. I have been meditating daily for 5½ months now 20-60minutes a day
and it has had its ups and downs but has come with great wisdom that is really hard to express with words.
And I've done self-inquiry on my own behavior alot and the more I do it the more im lost and
dont know how im supposed to act, if at all. It also gradually sucks the meaning from all the activities I participate
in in my daily life. I wanna keep walking on this path, but the outside world is setting its own obstacles for me
to overcome. I dont see many ways to make living off of sitting and questioning yourself. But that's not what my days
largely consist of anyway. It mainly consists of videogames. Im addicted to them. I love them.
All my friends are there, im respected within the gaming community, seen as a likeable person to spend time with.
Giving up on all that would leave me with the so called "bad" side of my daily experience. 
I know that will happen it's just a matter of time. I have started to see through my own, and others' egocentric 
behavior and there's always this small desire to tell everybody that the way we're acting here is producing suffering and nothing else.
But the few times i've tried to explain that people have just rolled their eyes and gone onto justify as to why they are right
and how they know all this already. Videogames and our small communities are something I really love but these 
deluded people make me deluded and suck me back into the old egoic behaviors. I honestly don't know what to do. Up to this point i've gone with
"Do whatever feels right." And that little philosophy has turned my head to meditation and spirituality all the time. It's something that never
leaves you. Even amidst your unconscious activities you come to question yourself and reality and you 
sometimes just become aware of your surroundings for a brief moment. It feels nice. Although from outside it might look
that you've given up on it, the seed is still there doing it's work in even in a bad soil. You cannot kill it anymore, you can just try 
to hide it. But when the suffering comes back, it will be exposed to you again and you will go onto give it some water so to speak
and you just know it's the right thing to do. Gradually, things become more clear and simple to you. 
Feel free to leave feedback and criticism since there are many of you guys who have gone through all this phase.
Thank you.

[Khin]

Yeah.. I'd been in very similar situation. It was my first year of college and my grandfather passed away too. So I felt like doing nothing so I started playing video games. I was a video gamer before too. And so the same thing happened as you. My parents told me to get out of their house. They said I was useless, I was lazy, and other hurtful things. So I stopped going to school for six months and started working 60-70 hours a week. Then I gave 80% of what I made to my parents. Problem was solved and realized I can't expect others to understand me but just gotta find my way out. I could get out of the house then but I don't want bad reputation tho. So that is my story.

[David1]

@Jani Isn't it normal for parents to want their children to be independent? 

[Jani]

On 9/25/2016 at 5:16 AM, David1 said:

@Jani Isn't it normal for parents to want their children to be independent? 

Yes of course. And I've thought of what im going to do in the future and will go towards it. It's just more than that, it's not just wanting someone to be independent, it's more like constant mockery and belittling, bullying so to speak. Projecting their own bad feelings onto me after a shitty day of work etc. But i see your point and wish it was only that.

Also I just recently turned 18 so im not a basement man.

Edited September 26, 2016 by Jani

[FindingPeace]

On 10/09/2016 at 4:15 PM, Jani said:

I realize the expectations that are set for me from society, but I feel so unmotivated and anxious to 
even start to fill those expectations.

You unmotivated because these are not authentic desires. They are society's expectations. You don't have to conform to what everyone says. It's your life, not theirs. Fulfilling other people's expectations will never motivate, fulfill or satisfy you in any way. Your motivations and actions need to come from within, from the authentic you.

On 10/09/2016 at 4:15 PM, Jani said:

And then again this lack of motivation and anxiety is expressed
in various forms and it will just be reinforced by the mockery and punishment.

You need to detach and stop caring what other people think or say. It's not their place to tell you how to be, how to live your own life.

On 10/09/2016 at 4:15 PM, Jani said:

I want to move
out on my own but money is required and I don't know how to get it besides working some shitty 
job which doesn't sound good at all.

It may not sound good, but it is a means to getting out and becomming independent so you can start working on authentic motivations. You may not like taking a shitty job to start with, but it's a start and it gets things moving. It at least means that you can take some responsibility for creating a life for yourself.

On 10/09/2016 at 4:15 PM, Jani said:

And I've done self-inquiry on my own behavior alot and the more I do it the more im lost and
dont know how im supposed to act, if at all.

It's not actions that need investigating. It's motivations, insecurities, fears etc. These all lead to actions. Work out what's going on with these things and actions will follow. Then you will see how and why you behave as you do and what, perhaps, you want to change. If anything.

On 10/09/2016 at 4:15 PM, Jani said:

I dont see many ways to make living off of sitting and questioning yourself.

You won't make a living out of introspection and self-enquiry. But not everything in life is about making a living. It may be necessary to some extent, but as you do more inquiry you may come to realise that there is so much more to life than just making a living. But you need to do this inner work to see this, on the side .

On 10/09/2016 at 4:15 PM, Jani said:

Giving up on all that would leave me with the so called "bad" side of my daily experience. 

Is it a 'bad' side? Or just a side that is not as exciting and stimulating? Video games are a hedonic addiction. Addiction to the fix you get from the excitement and stimulation. Just like recreational drugs. Or partying, or other hedonic persuits. By comparision everything else will give you a sense of withdrawl from that stimulation. If you remove the stimulation and excitement, the rest of life wouldn't appear so dull or depressing. You're actually creating that separation.

On 10/09/2016 at 4:15 PM, Jani said:

Even amidst your unconscious activities you come to question yourself and reality and you 
sometimes just become aware of your surroundings for a brief moment. It feels nice.

Do this more. Find more time to focus on it. That nice feeling, that's the peace, the happiness, that most people are looking for but never find. That's the moment of being present in reality. That's the light you may want to follow.

 

[Jani]

41 minutes ago, FindingPeace said:

You unmotivated because these are not authentic desires. They are society's expectations. You don't have to conform to what everyone says. It's your life, not theirs. Fulfilling other people's expectations will never motivate, fulfill or satisfy you in any way. Your motivations and actions need to come from within, from the authentic you.

You need to detach and stop caring what other people think or say. It's not their place to tell you how to be, how to live your own life.

It may not sound good, but it is a means to getting out and becomming independent so you can start working on authentic motivations. You may not like taking a shitty job to start with, but it's a start and it gets things moving. It at least means that you can take some responsibility for creating a life for yourself.

It's not actions that need investigating. It's motivations, insecurities, fears etc. These all lead to actions. Work out what's going on with these things and actions will follow. Then you will see how and why you behave as you do and what, perhaps, you want to change. If anything.

You won't make a living out of introspection and self-enquiry. But not everything in life is about making a living. It may be necessary to some extent, but as you do more inquiry you may come to realise that there is so much more to life than just making a living. But you need to do this inner work to see this, on the side .

Is it a 'bad' side? Or just a side that is not as exciting and stimulating? Video games are a hedonic addiction. Addiction to the fix you get from the excitement and stimulation. Just like recreational drugs. Or partying, or other hedonic persuits. By comparision everything else will give you a sense of withdrawl from that stimulation. If you remove the stimulation and excitement, the rest of life wouldn't appear so dull or depressing. You're actually creating that separation.

Do this more. Find more time to focus on it. That nice feeling, that's the peace, the happiness, that most people are looking for but never find. That's the moment of being present in reality. That's the light you may want to follow.

 

Thank you for taking time to help me out with this, really appreciate it. And yeah there's nothing 'bad' before I decide something is bad. Videogames may be fun and easy to spend time with but I've noticed recently that it really doesn't fulfill me and have also noticed how everything's based on giving an addition to this identity of you through the rewards in these videogames (high rankings, etc.) and running after those has been exciting from time to time but it comes with a cost, suffering starts to come in subtly and gets stronger and stronger and then we look for something/somebody else to blame for those emotions because we're not getting that which we expected from the videogames, excitement and positive feelings in general. I've seen this in my friends and also the urge to act upon those feelings in me and everytime I play those videogames it just doesn't feel right deep inside, you know there's more something more important than this. But yes I've decided to go on to study to become a teacher.