Shadow Journal 2: Embracing the darker/weaker parts of me; Working towards Self-Love

[Aquarius]

I have a vulnerable heart, the hell did I drink coffee????

Edited March 8, 2021 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

Okay now time to talk like a human being. 

I don't even remember what I did today, I was so caught up in my mind's whirpool. I just can't continue it like this anymore. Not to say it was all for nothing. It's part of the process. 

The gift of the visions. So lifted out of my own pile of bullcrap. There be guide, there be angels, near.

I feel like most music is toxic, intoxicating, unhealthy, or simply bad. I have to put myself on a mental diet. 

I feel like a major bad habit got released through awareness. I just really walk a lot. 

My mind always gets caught up in the abyss then I suppress is with something super unhealthy. It's a control/avoidance mechanism.

I think I can replace it with sound treatment. OR to occupy my mind with something better and greater than myself. 

I don't know if I'm punishing myself or if I'm being challenged by my good friends, or if there is such a thing as enemy.

 

I always like to believe there is no evil in the world. 

I refuse to see evil, hear evil and speak evil. Does that make me a monkey? 

Where the... does this road go? 

Woah time to turn take the roundabout around this. 

 

Okay so I can't believe there are beautiful things in my mind. Doves and bayleaves and white messages. I decide the content too. 

I want to stay here but time to get moving. 

[Aquarius]

I feel like Ketu is trying to tell me something. I work so hard on making this work, and on making and creating and maintaining this work.

People are after me like always, maybe I should stop telling this to myself like a mantra and to break free from the cycle for once. 

What's so funny though? Diving deep once again. 

I need cleanse in all manner first things first though. 

Fly like a dove, fly like a raven, quit the politic with some fly conversation

I'm a natural dude (?) and I'm in a natural mood

 

credit to bbash / f j for last 2 lines

Edited March 9, 2021 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

I need to work to deserve from drinking from the king's cup

don't wanna mention a chalice

// this thing has wolves on it.

[Aquarius]

Sometimes it's not just a plain ride.

It can be a very abrupt dive too. Even sometimes a waterfall.

You have to learn to swim in every circumstance

-- metaphorically speaking. 

[Aquarius]

Do I need or deserve a cigarette at this point?

It's a toxin. Ketu is still above us/me, - take it how and as you want. I'm giving what I have for now. 

[Aquarius]

 

[Aquarius]

I get what I need, nice.

Typed that twice. 

Don't roll the dice. 

[Aquarius]

Some people really need oxygen, including me. Just to breathe actually. Stuck in the cold... cold does pull you back where you belong. Some cool fresh wind is what I'd be ideally giving, but I need to clear my own lungs/system. I'm so emotional. 

[Aquarius]

Women... moms, sisters, friends, girlfriends. They are needed in this society. If they would give in to men's traps, then they would lose their charm.

Hmm I need some sage perfume.  (the flower, aint no sages here yet (??))

[Aquarius]

Come like an opinion,

I don't even know. 

[Aquarius]

You come as an appearance.

I understand me some.

[Aquarius]

I'm seeing things and hearing things that aren't there. That must mean I'm projecting a lot into reality.

Projecting my wounds all over the place. Smoking Kents don't give me clarity... lol kinda ironic. I can't. I can't Kent. Lmao. 

In other news, cough, the cigarette is really high quality, it's the only type of cigarette I can smoke. 

There's a time for everything. - Bible quote (?) 

I'm not the source im just a channel.

-er.

Uhhhh.... Maybe I should take my meds, but I promised myself I won't poison myself. 

For now I'm just chillin. Like literally just relaxing. 

[Aquarius]

Maybe we have two eyes because it's a division.

Idk man, I'm just saying. 

[Aquarius]

I think mathematics limits my creativity. But science is essential to the modern world. I love science, But I also love magic.

Life is a magical place to be in.

Ever think that Adam and Eve were living in the dark, and Eve maybe, just maybe listened to some advice, I'm not to judge how useful or worthwhile the advice was. And then she woke up to the fact that hey, I'm eating a fruit now, which are sacred because they're basically plant birthgiving spheres/shapeoids. Then she was thrown into the World Archetype. 

etc. etc..... I need a break.

Maybe Eve was infertile and the fruit gave both of them abilities to create but within limits. They became like gods. 

Edited March 9, 2021 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

If we talk game, and I just remembered that yesterday someone told me 22 is better than 23. Well, it goes both ways if we take it to the big picture perspective. In mathematics 23 is bigger than 22, so it's greater. In life, survival is of the fittest. 23 was good survivalist + lucky (chance) + blessed (from wherever), me talking in general terms. I could say 24 vs 25 too. I just used that number for cleanliness purposes, since I didn't wanna derive from the subject too much (I do that often).

Structure.

23 has more experience, perhaps more skills, but a more skilled 22 years old is more fit for survival. Value is out of discussion here.

You define your own value. I define mine. He defines his and she defines hers. Not directing this at anyone here on the forum, just writing my thoughts because yesterday I was a total scatterbrain and I was energetically contracted. Now I expand my vision. 

Also if we speak looks, some 22 years olds can't take care of themselves. Some 23 years olds can't either. Some can't because they simply are inapt or unable. If unwilling, that's a problem - mainly theirs, but we are living >> out there. So, society will have to take action to shake those people up. Chance is intelligent too, sometimes it directs people and circumstances to wake up certain individuals to the truth they have to see. Truth exists in relative and absolute terms at the same time, those terms work together perfectly. Reality is perfecting itself too. 

It's not even science, it's metaphysics. 

Edited March 9, 2021 by Aquarius
gee

[Aquarius]

I am feeling kinda down today, I don't even know how to put my finger on it, where to point. I guess days like these are really good for working on "real life problems" rather than getting lost in trains of thought that get you nowhere or get you trouble or may cause harm...

Edited March 10, 2021 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

It's good to have emotions as a compass, and don't grow a heart of ice. It's not always the bad guys who cause trouble.

Never let play become a fight. 

Mainly writing this to myself... never lose my vision.

 

Like a cloud fallen. Whatever that message means..

Edited March 10, 2021 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

I am the darkness that light shines through. "

[Aquarius]

" I am also the light that shines through darkness.