Shadow Journal 2: Embracing the darker/weaker parts of me; Working towards Self-Love

[Aquarius]

I decided to start a new journal because the old was getting really old. I started that in mid-spring of 2020 and since then I'm a whole new person. I still have to finish my old journal because I have some thoughts to add, but I'm happy to start this fresh new journal with a fresh mind. 

I still have darker parts of me that need more love and acceptance.. also weaker parts of me that also need more love but also strengthening. Some things I would like to work on in the upcoming weeks/months, even years:

1. Working on a healthy relating to men
2. Strengthening my bond with my parents/family
3. My appearance for the outer world (how I present myself)
4. How I see myself and how I feel about myself (inner game)
5. Alpha personality - without cockiness and arrogance
6. Feminine and masculine essences in balance (yin and yang energies)
7. Self-care routines and daily routines
8. Transmutation, biokinesis, experimental shapeshifting, energy-work, magick
9. Channeling (unsure about this yet, but a possibility)
10. Living a passionate life, making a living and living abundantly by doing only what I like
11. Hinduism and mantra-yoga

I probs have more than this that I work on.. like drinking water and taking care of my health during covid19... or like maintaining my vlog or blogs. But I don't really feel like "advertizing" my blogs or vlogs on this forum because that's wrong lol. So I might post videos only to show my progress. My vlog is personal vlog anyways, not one for self help (yet).. 

Looking forward to connect with you guys and I hope I can make all of you proud of me . ^.^ 

[Aquarius]

Okay so I always cringe at the person I am. Like wtf how and- 

Ack! Why am I like this ? Can't I be just normal for once!! Fuuh, I dunno, I think it's an Aquarius thing but..

I made a Twitter and I hate all my posts. Fine, I got followed by a popular comic artist right away and a friend made a Twitter just to follow me..

Dude, it's like.. like I don't realize how much people appreciate me, for they do .. but I just- 

Like, I know I am lovable, but I hate myself and also my older self. It's like that Coil song...

"And I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.." 

Coil - Tattooed Man (music video) At 1:37 ?

I hate the man I was and the man I'll probably be.

For now I'm just that weirdo girl who write witchy things on online forums.

And I hate her I hate her I hate her..

?

That's not too "working towards self-love" of me...lol

But! The first step is awareness so I'm doing a great job at being aware of my hidden emotions! ?

.....

 

I hate myself. ?

[Aquarius]

Dunno, recently I just feel like throwing out all my occult/mystical knowledge out of the window. Figuratively.

Not like I have many anyway lmfao  

Like it doesn't bring me any benefit, I'm just addicted to it for various reasons

Such as loneliness (big one), depression, meaninglessness, lack of connection, etc.

 

Also enlightenment seems to me like a milder/pleasant form of dissociation. And I was diagnosed with BPD so I'm going with this.

I hope to embrace science and rationality more in this year.

 

Let 2021 be one of success and hard work.  

And more work and less talk.  

[Aquarius]

On 11/28/2020 at 11:18 PM, Aquarius said:

• Working on a healthy relating to men
• Strengthening my bond with my parents/family
• My appearance for the outer world (how I present myself)
• How I see myself and how I feel about myself (inner game)
• Alpha personality - without cockiness and arrogance
• Feminine and masculine essences in balance (yin and yang energies)
• Self-care routines and daily routines
• Transmutation, biokinesis, experimental shapeshifting, energy-work, magick
• Channeling (unsure about this yet, but a possibility)
• Living a passionate life, making a living and living abundantly by doing only what I like
• Hinduism and mantra-yoga

Also throwing THESE outta window, figuratively, since they bring no benefit to me. Mainly because of the abstraction of thought. 

 

new 2021 goals:

• working on my success with dating
• letting go of family ties +  individuality / independence
• better physical looks + confidence / high self-esteem
• alpha state of mind (dominant, serious, calculated, civilized)
• no need to work with energies
• no need for routines other than showering often and washing teeth after every meal
• will try my best to avoid anything paranormal or supernatural
• only talking to living beings..
• turning my passions into careers is a biggie!
• since hinduism deals with supernatural gods and goddesses, I will rethink my interest in it. 

[Aquarius]

I'm back after a long time! Like what..almost 2 months? Yeah well I was reading a lot, developing myself, meditating, exploring stuff as usual, making some art.. But especially reading, like a lot. I finished about 26 books and I am currently reading about 12. However most of them were short writings or comic books so I guess that doesn't count... But the 12 I am reading right now are legit book books! 

I am reading about 3-4 hours every day. I am very proud of this achievement. I do have days when I slack off though... But I try to read a little bit every day.

I will avoid (useless) comics at all costs though. Ugh.

[Aquarius]

I never thought I will be able to have a specific preference when it comes to books. I've always just read random books and I read any crap I lay my hands on so I figured I simply have bad taste and it will never improve.. But! Nowadays my tastes tend to be slightly more refined though. And I do start to have an opinion on various books and a keen eye for sorting the good ones from the bad. I don't know how this happened.

I sort of think something that has to do with it is the fact that I read for hundreds of hours in the past year. And the fact that I was reading tons of comics too, of course. And for a fact I do not recommend them to anyone! Some comics like The Watchmen collections tend to be higher quality with real humanity, real feelings... other than that, anime-ish comics and manga books are not good at all, for anything, they're just a distraction. Major trap alert!! ...And I did not read other comics than those, just the first apparitions of Superman and the like from the 30's (Action Comics, and yes that was almost 90 years ago when they appeared, old stuff.) and some other smaller publications. Nimona was eh, Persepolis is cool so far and that's it. Hyperbole And A Half is highly questionable.

I do have one webcomic in particular that I enjoyed, and that is Keldaroth Wastelands. The reason I said I despise comics is because there is so much aggression, violence and unnecessary sexuality. Keldaroth Wastelands has a lot of aggression too, but the author handles it with great realness and authenticity, and the fact that the comic is incredibly tasteful (not to mention great art!) makes it so much greater than the other comics out there. Besides, it's not "unnecessary" aggression that the comic displays.

I do not like comics in general because they make you think of the world in an unhealthy and unrealistic way. Even the art is so unrealistic in the most of them, the proportions and colours and all that. And all the scenarios are taken to the extreme and purely brainwash the new generation of youngsters... It's all exaggerated bait and divertisment to make you hooked up on it and addicted, to catch your attention, to push your emotional buttons. (Not all comics though, I'm talking about online anime-ish comics..)

What I really wanted to say is that, I nowadays know what I like, why I like it and what I do not like about it in terms of books. And this came from vast experience. I read about 70 books so far in the last 3 years, and I slowly "get it". So if you're new to books and happen to stumble across this post, I hope it will be a reason for you to not give up. There will be books that you will love, books that you will hate and books that you will hate to love. I think you need to read close to 100 books of various kinds to really get what you like and find out what does not suit you. Even if it takes months or years. Otherwise if you just read 1 or 2 books that's not much to make a good opinion about the act of reading, unless you're really lucky and pick the right books first. That didn't happen to me sadly, or perhaps luckily?

I don't know but I can only imagine how I would feel after reading my 100th, 200th, 700th, or even my 10,000th book! It's such a long journey but it's really worth it in the end, I promise. 

So don't ever stop reading! It takes time to learn to enjoy it but it's the most rewarding time you'll invest in something. 

 

P.s.: Also read fiction books, especially historical and political fiction. Reading only self-help will make you think very one-sidedly and shallowly. Fiction books help develop emotional intelligence and unlock strategic skills.

P.p.s.: only read books that serve a high purpose in your life, not the ones that lead you to traps and dead ends/infinite distractions.

[Aquarius]

Mistakes and traps of reading books that I fell into over the years and what I've learned.

 

#1: When I first started reading books, I was going for the most popular. I read like 3 popular books..

#2: Then they seemed too long so I switched to free short novellas and short sci-fi anthologies because I had the impression that the quantity of books read was more important than the ones I read, because for me it seemed that this way I can get more experience and knowledge (my logic: more quantity of books = more experience and variety). But the books were too short for providing good information and low in quality.

#3: Then I read free new age books, also short. Spell, wicca, magick, chakra... Those are all good topics but given the freebie-ness and the short length, they didn't provide much value either. I just wasted time and eventually stopped exploring those topics in-depth because they seemed all bs because of the simplicity and airy-fairiness. 

#4: I bought old books for extremely cheap (for about 20 cents per piece). From the 60's till the 90's and early 2000's. Some of the books were excellent and I learned a lot of new stuff I didn't know before (I never watched tv, I never really interacted with other people so every little info was new). The problem was that most of them were outdated and useless. Divertisment and entertainment books such as the genre of romance are very useless, unless it's something new and revolutionary.

#5: I read comics because I found some apps randomly and I was interested. But they quickly became useless as well, and even toxic! So I recently had a revelation that they are unreal, and unhealthy for the mind. This is a very recent awakening I got. I know it doesn't sound like sonething big, but for me I know these things experientially, and not because of common sense or because someone told me, or that "it is commonly known". I have direct experience of why and how are certain things toxic. 

#???currently:

Still reading books that are free. Only reading free books if they have value, so only acquiring valuable works. Things that seem far out there will be thoroughly investigated and contemplated before dismissal. Reading classic bestsellers and all time popular must-reads. Willing to invest money in higher quality books that are topic specific, not just what I find randomly for cheap (looking for quality underground rarities especially). 

And still exploring various genres and freebies too. Will concentrate mostly on non-fiction. If fiction, must have valuable experiences and teachings to share.

 

 

Next post will be pros and cons of falling into these traps. Lessons learned and things to avoid...

Edited February 22, 2021 by Aquarius
Typos

[Aquarius]

The traps and their pros and cons.

1: Reading a few popular books.

• Pro: read a few books 
• Con: not enough quantity

2: Large quantity low quality books.

• Pro: explored various styles and realms, know what's "out there"
• Con: filled mind with many useless things, non-focused, non-goal oriented/lost mindset trap

3: New age freebies.

• Pro: vague knowledge of new age concepts
• Con: filled mind with useless things that were possibly dangerous if not being careful and well-documented

4. Underground old books.

• Pro: knowledge of that era, how things were in the past; some books were so great that I am extremely happy to have ever considered this option and this is a bigger pro than all the cons to this trap.
• Con: taking mind off important things, feeling like losing time exploring fictive realms, losing the vision of my goals and purpose through distraction

5. Comics.

• Pro: knowledge about the current social spheres 
• Con: dumbing down mind with toxic bs

 

Lessons I wanna learn next and benefits to work towards by reading books:

• New knowledge of mysticism, spirituality and higher knowledge
• Exploring new horizons
• Gaining wisdom
• Exploring and self-studying spiritual conceps
• Sharpening my common sense
• Gaining experience and wit
• Working towards my purpose
• General knowledge
• Discovering other people's inner workings
• Inner beauty

Edited February 22, 2021 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

On 1/6/2021 at 9:04 PM, Aquarius said:

Also throwing THESE outta window, figuratively, since they bring no benefit to me. Mainly because of the abstraction of thought. 

 

new 2021 goals:

• working on my success with dating
• letting go of family ties +  individuality / independence
• better physical looks + confidence / high self-esteem
• alpha state of mind (dominant, serious, calculated, civilized)
• no need to work with energies
• no need for routines other than showering often and washing teeth after every meal
• will try my best to avoid anything paranormal or supernatural
• only talking to living beings..
• turning my passions into careers is a biggie!
• since hinduism deals with supernatural gods and goddesses, I will rethink my interest in it. 

This post speaks to me on a whole new level right now... Why did I want to throw spirituality away that badly? Something must've scared me back then. I sense an abundance of air energy, without the compassion of the water. Stable though. Maybe coupled with earth, earth-air energy. My chart is highly dominant on those energies. It's something I have to fight all the time because of the lack of fire in my chart...

I recently did Aries energy meditations. Note, I am not an Aries. I simply wanted to cultivate that energy.. and it worked! I am more temperamental like an Aries, always wanting to fight against bs. I am also more connected to the fire and cardinal energy, having more passion and initiating things. Also the fire of spirituality. By which I mean spirit as light. 

But back to the post.. I was in a very practical and pragmatic state of mind. I feel like I placed existencial values far below materialism in priority. 

Like when I watched Leo's video on wisdom.. I was wondering why is money less important than truth?

I was still highly spiritual at the time and also meditating, searching for the truth... but I could not yet find any truths. All these things are too subtle to comprehend in certain states of mind..

But then I accidentally found a girl on youtube who has so much psychic potential, her words simply touched me in a way that I never felt before. It was pure magic. I think I also fell for her, and not because of shallow looks, but for how beautiful her soul was. She was glowing as a bright star.

I really wished I had what she had. That I could be like her. To share the gift she owns. I realised that her words couldn't be comprehended by normal human perception, you had to go the the highest states to get her message..

I was so determined to have her gift that I started meditating day and night and I had little glimpses here and there during meditation.

Today I had a larger breakthrough. I did not sleep, and writing the fact that I didn't sleep feels scary. But I am a thousand times more cautious right now.

Interestingly, I think I am also more spiritually mature. I re-read my previous posts... the first one (spiritually motivated) seemed normal and easy-going. The rational posts seemed for what they are: driven by fear and ignorance and ignorance through fear and fear-based ignorance. Also it sounds like a fool for some reason. I was embarrassed by it when reading it. But when I wrote that rational post (quoted), it seemed very intelligent. It was simply foolish and narrow-minded and back then my wiser writings seemed embarrassing.. what a thing.

 

I feel like I am a tiny bit more whole again. Bit by bit.

Edited February 22, 2021 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

Today is a true Miracle Day in terms of Shadow healing, emotional trauma unpacking and getting my isht together!!

First of all I did a personal hygiene and physical beauty glow up. I am really excited about it! The glo-up worked hella fine and it helped me deal with the emotional side of beauty too! It took about 3 hours.

I found that I was extremely ego based in consciousness, especially when it came to beauty and cosmetics. The reason was that I didn't place the highest values of beauty to the top. Vanity... yeah, no. Inner glow? You got this babe! ^^

Working towards a better femininity also helped me uncover how much masculine/yang/giving energy I am carrying in my psychè. I am trying to heal and balance the energies out. This is important.

Trauma about not being accepted, being excluded from groups and now uncovering the reason. Probably I was spoiled a bit emotionally and spiritually by my parents. I know most of the time when we use the term 'spoiled' we usually mean that said person was corrupted by an overwhelming materialistic abundance ***((too much too soon)).

Also helping mom heal her deep seated traumas because now I gain more undetstanding about the situations she is facing.

Honestly there is so much new insight and information I could share with you guys but sadly I am physically unable and unfit right now. I haven't slept. My mind is soaring in new heights but my body doesn't manage to keep it up.

Infinite new insghts! ?

[Aquarius]

It's not that I don't want to understand mom sometimes, I just mis-see the situation. It's not a misunderstanding, to the contrary, I have an elevated vision about her situation, like I see into her more than she would see enough of to admit the things I say to herself. 

I just got to be more focused and less critical. (Open my eyes to the truths, that is..)

Edited February 22, 2021 by Aquarius
Addition

[Aquarius]

Definitely my pineal gland is calcified to some extent even if my third eye is open. It still feels clogged and blurred, my higher vision over there. Decalcifying my pineal gland is a top priority right now, along with healing my hearing. My hearing got damaged, and hearing damage affects the ability to think clear as well. It is correlated, as you may think of the term "I (/don't) hear what you are saying". It's fascinating how we as bodies really are just physical projections of something greater than life itself!

Edited February 22, 2021 by Aquarius
Clarification

[Aquarius]

Everything has its limits and boundaries, but what can I do if I got so much love to give?

Maybe it is toxic love though. If it exceeds the limit of receptivity...

Maybe I shouldn't stop either just find the right place and the right time for it all. And discipline my use of energy.

That's it.

Edited February 22, 2021 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

I just had a near death experience.

[Aquarius]

I used to be angry with my family for being so noisy and negative, and also for being so toxic. Now I am grateful for it because they show me where I need to grow. They are a reflection of me. The world surrounding me is a reflection of me.

[Aquarius]

Attention. Be wary of psychedelic, spiritual and existential trolls, bullying, marketing and advertizing. They can't touch you. Not who you really are.

[Aquarius]

Telepathic teasing and virtual stalking also counts as bullying, Cătălin şi Cătălina. 

[Aquarius]

Been trippity trappity slippity slats-slats oowee

[Aquarius]

I hope ppl get the references, where those apply. Used some Eminescu quote above ayy lmao

Anywayy in other news I am having a sneaky feeling people are either after me, trying to hunt me down, or done me up. Interpret it however, it ain't my shiz anyway anymore 

I stopped caring at this point. The chances of survival are slim. 

I saw it in real life, I became It

The King of Cups reversed and the Hanged Man reversed

Smoked me a cigarette, enjoyed the threat of the intoxication.

 

Btw I never done anything, like ever, like when I say "trip" it's just a metaphor. Things are illusory enough, I don't need people I like stalking me...

What do I need hm?

Am I in a dream, idk maybe I should wake up.

[Aquarius]

Root chakra balancing work is essential if you want anything done like ever and properly. Fight the fear? Nah, become the Light Within.

In other news I became hypersensitive to my medication and now I thankfully (and much gratefulness for it from my part),,I function super properly simply on being myself. I couldn't do it before, ain't gonna kid you. Honestly, you have to face it sometimes that you have a past. I've been sick yo, sick to the core.

Haha I kinda laughed this morning on something irrelevant

But anyway, just for the feel of it, I will tell you that cigarettes are poison. Or poisoned idk. It's kinda shady there, but hey, nobody stops you to smoke them. They actually help with inner core work. You train your body resistance. 

Don't do it though. It's bad, addictive and ceases your survival chances. I just pass on the info I got from personal experience. 

Also keep hydrating yourself but only when you need it. Don't ever feel sorry/pity for yourself for having needs. You are human, all of us are.