Abusive dad

[UNZARI]

hey everyone so i have a question that i felt vulnerable about sharing but felt like i could get some good advice from y’all.

so at home my dad has come in and yelled at me and my girlfriend. this started a whole screaming match between my girlfriend and my dad. i stayed silent pretty much the whole time which has been my strategy my whole life because he never listens, even the times years ago when i threatened to kick his ass or cussed him out. he gets worked up over meaningless shit or if his points are real they’re blown out of proportion like we’re evil bums who do nothing (even though we both have jobs and are kind). 

anyway my question is should i have stood up for my girlfriend in these situations? if i say anything it just seems to get worse and i barely even have the energy to respond as is. it makes me feel weak but i tell her it’s not worth her energy to even say anything. i’m sure there may be a breaking point for me and i’ll go off on him like i have in the past, but what would i even say? we’re working hard to move out ASAP but it’s very emotionally stressful and makes us feel like we’re walking on eggshells cause he just randomly comes into the room yelling on the top of his lungs at us over some random thing. 

and yes i try to understand his point of view and i try to love him but it’s just abusive and manipulative and i worry that like i said he’ll push me over the edge and i won’t be silent anymore and i’ll do something i’ll regret 

[JohnD]

It's natural to defend yourself when someone comes after you. Sounds like your girlfriend did just that. Parents have a tendency to 'break' their children, which is probably why you feel depressed and weak when he's yelling (when you were too young to defend yourself, he'd probably just crush you mentally). Sounds like you have some trauma to work through here.

[FredFred]

@UNZARI Hi Unzari!

Has your father ever hurt you physically?

1 hour ago, JohnD said:

Parents have a tendency to 'break' their children

Where did you get this ridiculous idea? If parents breaking their children normal to you, you need to do a serious reality check...

[No Self]

16 minutes ago, FredFred said:

@UNZARIWhere did you get this ridiculous idea? If parents breaking their children normal to you, you need to do a serious reality check...

I think he meant that children reach a stage of accepting any insane bullshit that is normalised in the culture of the parents. They stop fighting back.

Edited November 28, 2020 by No Self

[JohnD]

@FredFred Lol

@No Self Correct.

[UNZARI]

@FredFred yes but not as i got older. just constant judgements, yelling, indifference, blaming, ridicule, name calling. the whooole package 

can’t remember the last time he said he loves me. not to be overdramatic just trying to paint a picture 

Edited November 29, 2020 by UNZARI

[UNZARI]

@No Self damn i had no idea that had a whole wikipedia page that’s super interesting. when it all goes down i just shut down. i remember one time he happened to go off on me for leaving some tissue paper on the ground in bathroom, but i was on shrooms lol. that was one of the rare instances i didn’t give a fuck and i went off on him with my whole heart and soul. but it did nothing further reinforcing my silence later times  

[UNZARI]

5 hours ago, JohnD said:

It's natural to defend yourself when someone comes after you. Sounds like your girlfriend did just that. Parents have a tendency to 'break' their children, which is probably why you feel depressed and weak when he's yelling (when you were too young to defend yourself, he'd probably just crush you mentally). Sounds like you have some trauma to work through here.

absolutely. in some ways it’s made me a very empathetic person and i try my best to never inflict the pain i feel on anyone, especially if i ever have kids in the future. i’m always conscious on my impact on my little brother. but yeah man i got my work cut out for me lol. wish they taught parenting in school

[Preety_India]

Your father is verbally abusive. There is no shortage of verbally abusive parents in the world

Stop communication  with your dad. 

Tell him to leave you alone. 

Tell your girlfriend to never talk to your father. 

Finish. 

[No Self]

25 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Stop communication  with your dad. 

Yes for sure. The sooner one gives up on making progress the better.

1 hour ago, UNZARI said:

@No Self damn i had no idea that had a whole wikipedia page that’s super interesting.

One of the implications of learned helplessness theory is that you will eventually have to un-learn some of the behaviours that helped you to survive this situation, to avoid passively permitting yourself to be bullied in workplaces and so on.

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, No Self said:

Yes for sure. The sooner one gives up on making progress the better.

One of the implications of learned helplessness theory is that you will eventually have to un-learn some of the behaviours that helped you to survive this situation, to avoid passively permitting yourself to be bullied in workplaces and so on.

The wisest words ever. 

This is the main reason why those who are abused get abused again elsewhere 

And many people don't understand this. They are surprised and they wonder why an abused person is attracting abuse again or not able to avoid further abuse. Because of the simple reason that they haven't gained resistance against abuse. 

To gain permanent resistance against abuse and avoid future instances (by being vigilant of red flags) one must fight back really hard and stand up for oneself.

[UNZARI]

 

9 minutes ago, No Self said:

One of the implications of learned helplessness theory is that you will eventually have to un-learn some of the behaviours that helped you to survive this situation, to avoid passively permitting yourself to be bullied in workplaces and so on.

i have begun this over the past year because i left the house and lived in another state and dealt with some very interesting characters. i slowly became more capable during hard situations with people. but i feel that to a degree i’ve regressed coming back here because unlike the people i faced before he’s like a videogame boss or something because of the emotional attachment. so yeah that’s interesting i can see how that is happening in my life

Edited November 29, 2020 by UNZARI

[UNZARI]

@Preety_India so true thank you for the advice, i intuited that in a way. i often can spot abusive people 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, UNZARI said:

Sarcasm? 

 

 

He does not mean sarcasm 

What he meant was that we often try to reach a compromise in relationships assuming that it would lead to some kind of progress or the relationship will heal. This is a false expectation when you are facing abuse in family relationships. We falsely assume that trying to tolerate things in the relationship is a sign of progress and eventually things will be alright.. Actually that does not happen and things get worse with time. 

So the sooner you give up on making progress the better. Instead of thinking that the person will become better with time and the abuse will heal or go away, it will be the opposite. 

This I can tell from personal experience with my parent. 

So the best is to stop trying to patch things. Once you recognize signs of abuse physical or verbal, it's time to cut communication and any kind of involvement. 

 

[UNZARI]

@Preety_India okay thanks so much. it feels like a weight off my shoulders already to have some reassurance 

[Preety_India]

@UNZARI  you're welcome 

Have a wonderful weekend 

 

[UNZARI]

@Preety_India so i have one more question. what would i do if he came in right now and began yelling? would i stand up for myself or would i just basically ignore him. telling him to leave me alone hasn’t worked before. i know it’s not so black and white but which would you say would help our situation more? thanks

[Preety_India]

@UNZARI  you should first try to argue with him and talk back. Fight hard to let him know that you won't tolerate. This is one way of signaling the abusive person that their behavior has been recognized and will not be tolerated. 

But if the person continues with verbal abuse and yelling then they are trying to break all boundaries and don't care what you think. At this stage you need to tell him to leave you alone. 

The last option is to go stay in your room and shut the door and not have any communication or go out for some time till the abusive person leaves and then come back home. 

The long term solution is to move out. 

But the short term solution it to use tactics and strategies to avoid the abuser and minimize the impact of the abuse and minimize interactions with the abuser. 

Abusive Personalities are very hard to deal with and they are completely toxic. Trying to compromise with them is of no use because they continue the same behavior despite your Politeness. They need to be punished by leaving them and by cutting off communication with them. 

Most abusive personalities don't change at all and continue such behavior for the rest of their life. 

 

[UNZARI]

@Preety_India okay cool that’s basically how we’ve done it. we argued with him and told him to leave us alone and he hasn’t accepted the boundaries as per usual. so we’re on the long term of moving out, and we’re short term in our room trying to enjoy ourselves the best we can. he never leaves the house so we just do everything around him. 

thanks again you enjoy your weekend too  

[Origins]

@UNZARI If I wasn't operating completely from a place of love I would have kicked the living shit out of my father already! And if he were anyone else or if he were younger I would have done it already OUT OF LOVE!

You're not alone, make yourself your best possible friend though.

Love tells me where to direct my wars and where not to direct my wars, I follow love completely and effortlessly and just learn from my actions via the feedback loop with consciousness. That's how I would be approaching this situation, allowing my intuition to give me the answers that I need to. So focusing on the frequency and allowing the frequency to determine my actions rather than just being stuck in my head wondering what to do.

That's how it ALWAYS should have been from birth but parents have the ability to strip that gift away from their children.

Best  .