Why do I feel so insulted by being called sweet?

[Seed]

I have this niggling, ridiculous problem and that is when people refer to me as sweet.... 'that was very sweet'..... 'you are such a sweet person' 'you're so adorable' etc

I get very insulted. One of my, very new friends refers to me as her pixie fairy, which she means as a compliment, but it drives me up the wall. 

And it seems to happen ALL THE TIME! 

I find it extremely patronising and disempowering. Even though the people who are saying it, are saying it as a compliment. I still can't stand it when it happens and it gets me down.

I understand that the issue is within me and I need to work out how to not let it get to me. Not care..... I realise it is a petty thing to get upset about. 

So therefore, is the solution to not get so attached to labels? Or should I work on being less sweet, seeing as the adjective offends me so much. 

I could also bring it up with them, but that won't stop it from happening, as new people will say it. And the damage is already done. Unless i change my core personality.

I suppose the issue is here (and yes, I am half talking to myself) 

What is my deep rooted issue with being called sweet?!? How can I accept this part of me? Is it reallly such an awful thing?

Thanks is advance for any suggestion on how to either not care, or reframe the phrase. 

[Rilles]

a shadow process would be in place here

 

step 1.

Im annoyed by the word sweet

step 2.

Is there anything in my personal history where I saw sweetness as being negative/it became negative for me? (this might go all the way back to childhood.) Why was/is it negative? 

Dig deep.

step 3. What are 5 examples where sweetness can be good?

step 4.

I accept myself as sweet.

 

good luck  

Edited November 28, 2020 by Rilles

[Gesundheit]

Could be a self-esteem problem.

[Rilles]

2 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

Could be a self-esteem problem.

Woah. Dont overanalyze, dude. 

[Forestluv]

Many people are conditioned to communicate in personal framings, such as you are sweet. In some contexts, it is loving, in other contexts it can be annoying, condescending or manipulative.

If I did a kind act for someone, I generally prefer they say “that was sweet” or “I feel touched by that kind act”. Yet a lot of people would interpret that as being insulting since they were not personally acknowledged as being sweet / kind. I’ve unintentionally offended people by not acknowledging them on a personal level. For example, someone may give me a gift and I might respond “Omigosh, that is so kind and thoughtful” and they end up getting upset because I didn’t say “you are kind and thoughtful”. 

I’ve been on the other side as well. I had a supervisor that would say “that work looks good”. I would get upset because he never said “you did good work”. 

As well,  “you are sweet” can have a condescending context. There is a tone as if the person is talking to a child or pet. 

[Haumea2018]

I would guess it bothers you because you would like to be more assertive and less of a pleaser.

[LastThursday]

Something to try would be to reflect it back on to your friends.

Start calling them sweet and adorable and pixie fairies or other cutesy names. At the very least it will raise awareness within them. Secondly it will be a softer indirect challenge - since it is not your normal way of addressing them - which may work better for you.

[lmfao]

@Seed I'm a 20 year old male, and I get annoyed when my family members call me cute. Being the youngest of the family, I hate being called cute or treated like a child. So I can relate to this brand of annoyance and can perhaps somewhat directly relate to what you're saying.


I'm glad you made this thread, made me reflect on it myself. Looking at myself right now, the anger comes from 2 things (not disconnected things), 1) Believing that if others call me 'cute', my identity and my self is at danger. I feel threatened that I will perceive myself differently or worry that I will believe what they say about me. So I wish to escape other people's comments, because I'm scared of believing them or taking them in. , 2) I want other people to perceive me in a very particular way, I want to have a self image and reputation others buy into. 

But I need to let go caring what other people think about me. And that's a self esteem issue. And I need to be assured in myself, so that I'm not so insecure in myself that I believe in the labels other use to describe me, and I won't have to be defensive if I'm self assured. Centrally, this is a self-esteem issue. 

---
If you are brutally honest with yourself, your ego wants to murder and beat up anyone who disagrees with you or opposes you. You need to look at it honestly and directly, but realise that it is also quite innocent deep inside. Just a lovely child. 

Edited November 28, 2020 by lmfao

[Seed]

@Rilles Wow. Really great excersize to try! I will do it now. Thank you. 

[Rilles]

34 minutes ago, Seed said:

@Rilles Wow. Really great excersize to try! I will do it now. Thank you. 

No problem. Let us know how it goes.  

[Seed]

1 hour ago, Gesundheit said:

Could be a self-esteem problem.

Most likely!!! 

[Seed]

2 hours ago, Forestluv said:

Many people are conditioned to communicate in personal framings, such as you are sweet. In some contexts, it is loving, in other contexts it can be annoying, condescending or manipulative.

If I did a kind act for someone, I generally prefer they say “that was sweet” or “I feel touched by that kind act”. Yet a lot of people would interpret that as being insulting since they were not personally acknowledged as being sweet / kind. I’ve unintentionally offended people by not acknowledging them on a personal level. For example, someone may give me a gift and I might respond “Omigosh, that is so kind and thoughtful” and they end up getting upset because I didn’t say “you are kind and thoughtful”. 

I’ve been on the other side as well. I had a supervisor that would say “that work looks good”. I would get upset because he never said “you did good work”. 

As well,  “you are sweet” can have a condescending context. There is a tone as if the person is talking to a child or pet. 

Yes - I definately prefer 'that was sweet' But I rarely get told that, mostly.... 'you are so sweet...'

[Seed]

1 hour ago, Haumea2018 said:

I would guess it bothers you because you would like to be more assertive and less of a pleaser.

Definately! 

[AnTe]

@Seed i think I understand how you're feeling. it seems being viewed that way reinforces a feeling of inequality and disconnect. it may have to do with what you're putting out for them to see. if we don't allow people to see our pain or struggles it's hard to be relatable. do you try to always be happy, positive, and bubbly?