Best way to get over divorce from a cheating spouse?

[ern]

Hi all,

It has been almost 3 years since my world crumbled and found out that my wife of 15 years (3 years of courting) was having an affair for a year. This came as a complete shock. She did a good job of gaslighting me. She was snow white, never did anything wrong up to that point and so easy going. I never knew she was unhappy. I still don't know when she gave up on use and strayed instead of telling me she was unhappy and at least giving me a chance to work on us. Needless to say after I found out, the lies continued and there was no saving it. We were divorced 5 months later. It was like signing a surrender document for a battle I never had a chance to fight.

We currently don't talk, just occasional texts about the kids (14 yo daughter and 11 yo son). She sees no need to talk to me about the past. She is so insensitive to the pain she caused. 18 years of giving my heart and soul and just thrown away and no urge to make things amicable. OUCH!!!

My question is: What are some ways to make sense of something that seemed pointless and makes not sense. How to release the anger, hurt and feeling of being taken for?

[Preety_India]

Concentrate on being a survivor and a hero for yourself.. Heal your inner trauma rather than focusing on the perpetrator of the trauma. 

Remember this one line always "its never your fault."

You did absolutely nothing to deserve this. 

Switch the gears in your mind and change them to the mode of "positivity and getting through and rebuilding your life after this" 

Understand that this is not so much about a person but about an event or circumstance. This way it will hurt less. 

Now your next job is to overcome such a circumstance

 

Focus more on 

A) Surviving and pushing through this setback or obstacle 

B) Positivity and creation of hope 

C) Build back Better. Make your life even better through hard work. For men it's "build back better" and for women it's "bright brilliant beautiful" these are like mottos for encouragement. Rebuild your life 

D) overcome this circumstance and don't look it as a person. Look at it as an event. You are suffering the PTSD and trauma of cheating. So focus on self healing, trauma recovery and trauma healing. 

Best wishes. 

 

[Preety_India]

Also see my thread in this section that deals with a different struggle but it has some useful points as well. 

 

 

 

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

I was contemplating early  morning about the idea of hate. When you face a lot of opposition when it comes to relationships or work.. And I had a couple of insights. 

• To keep pushing through no matter what 
• To understand that your journey is heroic. A hero's journey and its absolutely amazing. And all the hate is just a component that finally takes you closer to ultimate goodness because God loves you no matter what. If you have a sincere heart, the hate will only make you a better person inside. I mean just imagine how amazing it is that you are thriving despite all the hate, that should alone be sufficient to feel awesome because it's much easier to thrive in a supportive environment but look at you, you're still pushing through like hero in an unsupportive environment. 
• To understand that you can't change people. That other people who don't respect you are living in their own bubble and you don't have to worry about pulling them out of that bubble 
• Focus on progression 
• Remember that there is always a silver lining while you are pushing forward and that's your hope. You lead by hope. 
• Never beg for support with those who won't relent or those who don't care. 
• Don't give a shit about those who don't appreciate what you do for them. 

When these thoughts came to mind I was really very relieved and it felt like a burden was taken  off my shoulders. 

Bright Brilliant Beautiful 

 

Edited November 28, 2020 by Preety_India

[Roy]

I don't have words to offer that will immediately get you over these tough feelings, but at least I hope what I offer might give you a new perspective that makes you have a healthier outlook on the situation.

First thing to know is this probably has nothing to do with you, so you don't need to blame yourself, like your mind is probably self-sabotaging and doing to you these past few years. What SHE chose to do is on HER. She made a deliberate choice to betray your trust. Perhaps you might have contributed in some way (not accusing you here, just genuinely don't have any idea because you didn't share), but regardless of what you might have done or not done, that doesn't excuse any of her actions. She should have been an adult and had the emotional maturity to confront you about her feelings, and either worked through them with the chance of failing, or simply divorce you so you both could move on without such an event.

Emotions of anger, resentment, and distrust are going to be there naturally, and that's ok. Feel them as you need to feel them, then let them go. Time will be your healer in that regard. But what YOU need to do here is be conscious enough not to direct any of those feelings towards or at anyone, not towards yourself, and not towards her. Simply let them arise, and then recede. It's a shame that something like this happened, but remember you are a victim here, not the perpetrator! So does it make sense to beat yourself up and loathe? Of course not! If you can realize this logically, you can realize it emotionally as well. The problem is a lot of people are willing to admit something as a logical truth but don't try to steer their emotional behavior in the direction of those truths as well. They stew and attach in unhealthy and negative ways. Make them positive and healthy instead.

Basically love yourself and accept yourself. You are a good person who was taken advantage of. You aren't the one with the problem here, she is. She isn't strong enough to confront her own emotions or take responsibility for her actions, and will suffer the karma for that. We are only in control of ourselves ultimately, focus on that and how YOU feel, and being the best person you can be.

It can be hard because you are probably desperate for answers, but realize even if you get the answers they won't even help you, and might just affirm some negative thought patterns you have about yourself or your relationship with her. You don't need the answers, you will live on and be fine without them. Let time erode that need.

Make sure to maintain a strong and good relationship with your children, as that's what's important. Do not turn them against her if the temptation is there. That will just lead to suffering. She might have already tried to draw you into that game, but there is nothing to be gained so do not play it. In the end the kids are the ones who suffer anyways. Just be detached and non-reactive when you detect this is happening. Love for your children is all that matters.

I also hope you didn't get divorce raped and got your appropriate share of things and custody. Men can get treated quite unfairly in this regard.

Your world is not crumbled, it is not over. Something bad just happened to you and you can and will recover, if you believe you can @ern.

Take care.

 

[aurum]

1 hour ago, ern said:

My question is: What are some ways to make sense of something that seemed pointless and makes not sense. How to release the anger, hurt and feeling of being taken for?

I've never been divorced but my parents are. It's one of the hardest things you can go through.

First, I'd ask if you're ready to release those feelings?

It's understandable you'd feel that way. Those feelings aren't bad and can serve a purpose.

If you are ready, there's many healing modalities out there that can assist you with that.

Second, I'd focus on coming back better than ever before. You can't change the past but you can move forward using the lessons you've learned.

[Arcangelo]

Would you get married again?

[Forestluv]

Dang, that's a deep investment of oneself, betrayal and wound. It looks like you won't be getting any amends, opportunity to speak directly and no resolution. 

You sound like a genuine good guy and I would try to protect myself from letting the situation make me a cynical, jaded and resentful. Yet I also wouldn't repress emotions. Perhaps see a councilor or join a support group.

In terms of releasing stored anger and resentment, writing and talking about it can be helpful. Yet I've found actual expressing it helpful. Yet the deep stuff can be hard to express. My deepest anger / resentment was against my father. I forgave him and tried to move on, yet so much was stored in me and I was never able to let it out with friends or therapists. People suggested I pretend a pillow was my father and punch it while screaming, yet I was never able to do it. The only thing that released stored anger for my was shamanic / holotropic breathing. 

[F A B]

@ern I can feel your pain. This is probably one of the hardest situations you faced and will face in life, but I'm confident you will be back stronger than before.

Best regards my friend.

[Spiral]

Working on forgiveness, open mindedness and to lift your spirits perhaps a bit of gratitude journaling.

[Leo Gura]

21 hours ago, ern said:

How to release the anger, hurt and feeling of being taken for?

Sorry to here it.

Take psychedelic. Practice self-love and forgiveness.

[RendHeaven]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Practice self-love and forgiveness.

This^

My heart goes out to you @ern

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like her logic was very simple: She found a guy who she was more excited about. Now you do the same and find a girl you're more excited about.

The bottom line is that she was not happy with you and you probably couldn't have fixed it. So the divorce was gonna happen regardless.

[MrBON]

@Leo Gura It is still very fucked thing to do to cheat like that for over a year. I understand if the person is unhappy they should first communite and try to work things through. Relationships have difficulties and you first need to try to work things through before you decide that it will not work. Divorce should be a last resort. Not try to cheat on first chance you get. This applies for both genders. No wonder the red pill and feminism exist when people act in such cruel heartless ways to the parent of their childreen. Marriage is not just about excitement it is also about responsibility and commitment especially after 15 years of marriage.

@ern Seems to me like you deserve better than this kind of person. Try to maybe screen better and take it as a learning experience. 

 

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, MrBON said:

It is still very fucked thing to do to cheat like that for over a year.

Shit happens.

[Raze]

Try IFS therapy

also,

 

Edited November 29, 2020 by Raze

[ern]

Thank you everyone for your concern and advise. I know healing is a process and I am working though it. I just have a hard time making sense of something that doesn't make sense. It's like telling you that gravity doesn't exist. 

I appreciate you all and look forward to your comments

Edited November 29, 2020 by ern