My narcissism is response to zero self esteem

[triadne]

I wrote this to my brother just now.. I wanted to be as honest  as I could.
Does anyone relate?

> If I wasn't right all the time. if I wasn't extremely talented and smart. If I wasn't the most unique and special being that most people could meet. how could I even have any value? why would anyone want to know me?

>>> (my brother) Well this makes no sense. People appreciate humility. Not bigging oneself up. Your value to me is your warmth and kindness, and your sense of humour.

>It's my ability to be more humble than anyone else that makes me so special

>I am far better than anyone else at being able to accept that I can be wrong

>See, I'm supreme being at everything.  and this is the only way I can be of any value.  I have the best obscure sense of humour. nobody is as good as me at this type of humour.

>and being kind is especially good trait. I am so good at this, that people have to like me for that. if they don't, then I am worthless

>without those things you mentioned that make me such an amazing and wonderful person, I am scum and shit. just detritus infecting this planet

>if someone, say for example and internet troll, fails to see how right I am, how kind I am, how skilled I am, if they don't respect me for how special I am, I can't just let them get away with that

>and how could I possibly be wrong about something?  something I was so sure of.. how could I be wrong, unless there was reasonable doubt? how could I be fallible? If I were fallible than I am not worth spitting on

>>> (my brother) I am sensing humour, but I am also sensing biterness. I am thusly very confused, and I need to go out to tesco

>there is no humour here

>This is just the truth. something else I am good at. better than anyone else at seeing and saying the truth. honesty. most honest person most people will meet.

>If I weren't honest, and all these other things, I wouldn't be worth much would I?

----------------------------
EDIT:
As a child, growing up, I was severely emotionally neglected. I have severe intimacy issues as a result. I have not learnt how to love others or to accept love and affection from others.  any warmth or love is identified as sexual advances and I feel deeply uncomfortable. I am lacking a basis for what simple love is etc. 

Edited November 27, 2020 by triadne

[Osaid]

2 hours ago, triadne said:

if someone, say for example and internet troll, fails to see how right I am, how kind I am, how skilled I am, if they don't respect me for how special I am, I can't just let them get away with that

You will never get everyone you meet to respect you, this is a never-ending game you've created here. The solution is to be fine with that reality without changing it.

2 hours ago, triadne said:

and being kind is especially good trait. I am so good at this, that people have to like me for that. if they don't, then I am worthless

Your sense of worth here is completely created by your own egoic paradigm. You have left your sense of worth at the hands of other people. You have to learn to love yourself without getting that love from other people. Your ego has created specific conditions which make it okay for you to love yourself, and if those conditions are broken it feels guilty for loving itself and thinks of itself as "scum" and "shit". You need to ask yourself why this is and where you adopted these conditions from.

It's easy for me to give the advice, but I actually struggle with this stuff and relate to it a lot. I have also had similar thoughts and experiences, as if everyone's love towards me is conditional. But, this is also why it is so important to have the ability to love yourself without relying on other people to give you that love. The less you feel the need to control others the happier you will be.

 

 

 

[triadne]

Sorry, I should have added at the end of my post:
As a child, growing up, I was severely emotionally neglected. I have severe intimacy issues as a result. I have not learnt how to love others or to accept love and affection from others.  any warmth or love is identified as sexual advances and I feel deeply uncomfortable. I am lacking a basis for what simple love is etc. 
I'll edit my post to add these details at the end.

Osaid, thank you, you are right, I am seeking  adulation from others because it is the only type of positive feeling I gained when I was a child, from my school teachers. I do recognise that I ought to be able to love myself, but I am uncertain how to go about it. I have seen Leo's videos before but I will most certainly watch it again.
 

Neutralempty, thank you for your perspective, but I don't believe this is seductive, it is more like desperation, because it is the only type of love I ever got as a child.

[No Self]

Narcissism is a strong word, and one that an actual narcissist would never use on themselves.

I have experienced a similar situation. Some people will say you have to be gentle on yourself, love yourself, etc., which may or may not work. But there is another way. Hardcore spirituality is not about positive thinking or achieving normal relationships. It is about discarding all that is not true - the entire structure of the ego - to find the inner peace that you already are. 

[PurpleTree]

i think i can relate somewhat, it seems like some kind of perfectionism

you think if you'd be perfect then you would be invincible or something, but it's impossible

you want to appear perfect to everyone else and also to your ego, which in turn makes you unhappy because it makes you less "free"

and you're also easily hurt because you can never be perfect and there's a fear of people finding out that you're not good enough              

it's hard and scary to accept your flawed self

don't really have a solution for you at this point

i started watching some videos on shadow work but not yet sure if they'll help (obviously just watching videos won't help but maybe doing the work etc.)

[No Self]

4 hours ago, PurpleTree said:

it's hard and scary to accept your flawed self

don't really have a solution for you at this point

It seems to be a matter of integration.

Some people develop immaculate 'masks' that they present to the world, while leaving the underlying self to go to the dogs. Any sort of close relationship will expose the truth at some stage.

If not at the stage of discarding the mask AND the underlying self, there needs to at least be a bridge between the two.

[triadne]

Thanks for more replies.
I read with great interest because I am finding that I don't actually relate. I may have gotten it wrong. I beat myself up a little.

For example, I can watch dancers on youtube and I'm under no impressions that I can't move like they do. Also, I recognise there are people who know more than me about physics for example.  but here is the issue...
In the past I have watched videos about a physics theory. the person in the video explains it all. I think about it I understand it, and I decided that they are wrong.  I get angry about it because I feel like they are stupid and are misrepresenting it to us. I automatically think I am more intelligent than them and have the one true answer and that they should listen to me.   It's when I get so bullish like this... I spend a lot of time on it and I act in a way that they may feel is disrespectful. But of course I'm right. until those times when I discover I'm wrong. and it feels like the bottom has fallen out of my stomach.  Because how could I possibly be wrong? I figured it out. it made 100% sense. It's like.. when I know things I KNOW them.  There is no mistake and I always argue with 100% confidence. until that gets shook. and then it's bad. but maybe it's bad because... why should I be so 100% confident of anything? why do I do that and how do I stop it?  why do I have such strong faith in things that I am good at?

Edited November 30, 2020 by triadne

[Nahm]

You believe you know that other people are thinking. You’re holding bogus beliefs about yourself too, and using people to compensate for this, rather than letting the beliefs go. This is an inspirational drain on other people. Write about what you want to create & experience, let judging yourself & others go. Go to the tree of life. It’s all in you. Bring it out. Allow it.