roommates ask for sex

[AlwaysJoggin]

I had a roommate that i was a bit mean towards she was a lesbian and had a girlfriend and one day she walked in my room to smoke and talk and she outa nowhere asked for sex, it was shocking and confusing. I ended up saying no in an undirected manner as i was super stoned from weed and i was afraid my penis won’t get erect cuz i was smoking everyday and my penis would be limp from all the weed.

<<<< I deeply regret this one i should have said yes and the only reason I couldn’t do it because i was afraid, my body was filled with fear that omg! what if my penis was too limp and she exposes me 
 

i had another roommate that would invite me to her room “to watch a movie” more than once and i use to say no and I would just jack off and sleep, i also regret this one but not as much the reason for me not accepting? I was afraid the dynamics between us would change since we live together at least that was the way i did thinking ?  maybe it was just another excuse my brain convinced me of because of fear? Bit why was I afraid of sex?...

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 26, 2020 by AlwaysJoggin

[PurpleTree]

it's fine

such a question can be overwhelming in the moment, adrenaline rush and you can't think straight

sometimes if people ask me something the first thing i say is "no sorry" it's almost automatic sometimes, before i even really think about the question

and the fear of not performing well is normal

and maybe it would have turned out bad with your roommates (jealousy, drama etc.) maybe it would have been great, we'll never know

you did the best you could at that moment

but maybe hopefully next time you'll be more "calm and collected"

 

[Roy]

Think with the right head dude. It's smart not to just have random spontaneous sex, especially with those who you have the dynamic of living with.

Thank yourself for that reactive "no". Your mind probably came up with that answer because it was the right one for you at that moment.

Stop beating yourself up. You don't deserve it.

[Preety_India]

Why would you want sex with some random person anyway? 

Do you know if this person has STD? 

What if this person blackmails you later? 

Some women who hold a vengeance against a man (especially the ones who ask for casual sex out of the blue) can put a sexual assault claim on you if things spiral out between you and your roommate (remember there is no emotional connection here since she is not your girlfriend so emotionally she has no obligation with you). 

You have to ask yourself the valid  question as to why a woman who wants sex desperately doesn't have or get a boyfriend? What's stopping her from getting a boyfriend? If she is a lesbian, then why is she begging sex with a man, too fishy. That should tell you that she is not  serious and only wants sex. 

She is  disingenuous already from the looks of it. So I sense that she is not the best person to have sex with. 

 

Nothing much  wrong with wanting only sex, but usually it turns into a drama because humans don't like hiding their emotions for too long. 

Don't sell yourself short for sex. 

[Lyubov]

I only would have had sex with one roommate of mine but we were friends and she had a boyfriend so I never put any energy into trying to move the relationship in that direction. I think it can work out but it may come with some issues too.

[tsuki]

6 hours ago, AlwaysJoggin said:

I had a roommate that i was a bit mean towards she was a lesbian and had a girlfriend and one day she walked in my room to smoke and talk and she outa nowhere asked for sex, it was shocking and confusing. I ended up saying no [...]

@AlwaysJoggin Saying no to unsolicited sex with a woman you don't like does not make you any less of a man. On the contrary.

If I were you, I would investigate why you dislike this girl and why do you smoke so much weed that you have erectile issues.

Edited November 26, 2020 by tsuki

[Potato People King]

@AlwaysJoggin Generally, probably performance anxiety and maybe some unconscious self esteem issues? In the second case maybe you don't consider her attractive enough.

In the end, no big deal at all. There are some risks with random sex (as others have mentioned) and also, if you change your mind, there is a good chance you can have sex with them if you show interest.

Not sure about the second case though, maybe the girl really just wanted to watch TV with you... :-)

[Nahm]

23 hours ago, AlwaysJoggin said:

I had a roommate that i was a bit mean towards she was a lesbian and had a girlfriend and one day she walked in my room to smoke and talk and she outa nowhere asked for sex, it was shocking and confusing. I ended up saying no in an undirected manner as i was super stoned from weed and i was afraid my penis won’t get erect cuz i was smoking everyday and my penis would be limp from all the weed.

<<<< I deeply regret this one i should have said yes and the only reason I couldn’t do it because i was afraid, my body was filled with fear that omg! what if my penis was too limp and she exposes me 
 

i had another roommate that would invite me to her room “to watch a movie” more than once and i use to say no and I would just jack off and sleep, i also regret this one but not as much the reason for me not accepting? I was afraid the dynamics between us would change since we live together at least that was the way i did thinking ?  maybe it was just another excuse my brain convinced me of because of fear? Bit why was I afraid of sex?...

I don’t see this fear as of sex, but of embarrassment. You seem to focus on what people think of you. If people judge you, they have their feelings, and that is their business, not yours. Has nothing to do with you, and how you feel. Judging people, and or yourself, that, you feel. 

[AlwaysJoggin]

@Nahm any practice or daily exercise for me to become aware of that which you said. 
 

offff I really feel and think too much about what people are feeling ok i have this exercise to do (but let me know what helped you) i will be conscious and aware (if I remember) when ever I’m interacting with people to let go of thinking about what they’re feelings and focus on me but you see it’s hard cuz my brain will translate situations and connect it to feelings and how i feel will be the derect reflection of how they feel which will be hard for my brain to avoid. But that’s when self control comes in maybe not feeling that way in the first place is possible but that is next level stuff that will take ages to master but a think that i can do is just controlling myself and not let the feelings take over amd make decisions against the feelings? But why are the feelings wrong? Why should I resist?...... I should just ....acccept I should from resisting i want to be free i am free i let go let go it’s ok don’t-let  go there is nothing there to let go. Im fine I’m fine I’ve always been. Just been that’s it it’s beautiful 

Edited December 1, 2020 by AlwaysJoggin

[AlwaysJoggin]

@Tim Ho lol I know right, smh ✌????

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, AlwaysJoggin said:

@Nahm any practice or daily exercise for me to become aware of that which you said. 

Take five minutes, five times a day just for you, to...

-

Relax. Breathe. 

Recognize the fact that you don’t know what anyone else is thinking. This is freedom from some overthinking, which equals more relaxation, clarity, concentration and focus. 

Embrace the truth that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, just humans with preferences and opinions, none more or less valuable than yours. All parallel. All bs. Recognize any inner monologue of ‘rights & wrongs’, and judgment of yourself and or others, and recognize you want to feel better, and you want everyone else to feel great too. Just ‘in your inner world’, wish yourself well, and anyone & everyone else too. It’s powerful, and foundational to the change you desire. 

Understand that when you believe you do know what people think, it is a signal to you, that you are orienting away from feeling, and the mind is weaving a narrative to justify it. (“It’s because of what someone else is thinking”, “it’s because I might lose the erection”, etc). You can’t fall for the mind’s story. It will weave them forever. You might say, it believes it is protecting you, protecting you from getting hurt. It’s absolutely innocent, so no ‘beating up on yourself’. (That’d just be more narrative).

If you’re thirsty, you go to the fridge. If you want to feel better, you go to feeling. Think in simple terms like that about feeling. Recognize that what you want is to feel better in such situations. ‘Go to’ feeling, rediscover feeling - without narratives. 

After reflecting on those perspectives, take a deep belly breath, let any tension go letting your entire body relax viscerally, deeply, feel the relaxation. Let. Go. Completely. Weightlessness. To the bones relaxation. As if there were ten bodies within each other within you, and they all just let go completely for the first time ever, and feeling abounds as a result. 

Keep relaxing, even more deeply, and remain aware of: breathing, feeling, seeing, hearing. Pick one or two of those the first couple of days, then work you’re way to maintaining a relaxed body and awareness of all four. Then all four as one whole. Then feeling, body, breathing, seeing, hearing, all as one inseparable seamless whole. 

Slowing the reaction down like this, you’ll see much more of what’s going on. After a while, there won’t be the reaction. It will be clearly seen at a point, that the fear was of fear (a ‘thought loop’). 

-

“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself”. JFK    

The misinterpretation of fear is that it is a feeling. It is not, it is of the mind. Of interpretation. 

When you take that time, that five minutes for yourself, be mindful that you are taking time for yourself. Feel good about caring about how you feel. 

I think after just a few days you’ll feel more relaxed, and your vantage point, or, self understanding will change and some insights and releases will arise. Writing about how you feel now, as in, while you’re writing, is powerful. It helps in remaining present, and aware of feeling... and understanding arises. 

I would set five reminders on your phone / calendar, and commit to the five minutes five times a day. If there is resistance, or reluctance, remind yourself it’s only five minutes. It will be worth it. Also be mindful it is a proactive approach, and that it is cumulative. Each five minutes adds up, a momentum builds. 

Believe in second chances for yourself. And third chances. And fourth chances even. Actually, just notice when you beat up on yourself, and do those steps (above). This way, if this happens again, even if you ‘blow it’...five minutes later, in the divine grace of inner peace and clarity, it will occur to you to just laugh at your silly self, and have some great sex.

And make a dreamboard. 

[AlwaysJoggin]

@Nahm  thanks

[Nahm]

@AlwaysJoggin

[Lyubov]

Nice post Nahm. I think this advice can be used with just about anything that is causing some fear