When Someone Bests You At Literally Everything.

[DimmedBulb]

I have a friend who is basically a homo universalis, a genius and a very successful one at that. Writer, artist, composer, voice actor, pro gamer, owns her own business, extremely intelligent. It's not hard being envious at someone who is your around age (21) but has accomplished everything you could only dream of doing. She tells me I can do those things as well if i just work at it. I don't believe her. I think it's not possible for me to get into the higher echelons of life. Every time I screw something up confirms this and throws me off so much I quit instantly. This makes me desperate and even more envious, so I fear trying something new even more, and when I do find the strength to do something again, I either fail or can't structure it enough to do it consistently (I need perfect consistency), which is also failure. I so want to best her at something, have something to be proud of. 

 

How do I get rid of these of feelings of being second place?

[Consept]

Ok well first of all stop comparing, like literally notice when you compare and learn to let this go. Even if youre friend wasnt around there would always be someone who you would compare yourself to, youre never going to be 'better' than everyone in the world and you dont need to be. 

Secondly your need to achieve something seems ego based so its not because you necessarily want to do these things its just because you believe your self worth to be based on your achievements. Imo this is backwards, you need to accept yourself and give yourself self worth and realise you dont have to do anything to accept yourself (love yourself unconditionally) when you do this youll find its easier to achieve anything because anxiety abd desperation isnt invloved. Anyway good luck, im assuming youre quite young but a lot of this will pass in tine so dont worry too much 

[DimmedBulb]

@Consept Thanks for the response. Got a few questions though.

• Is worth not based on achievement, and if not, what is it based on?
• How can a person that hasn't done anything fill fulfillment or worth?
• What kind of love is self-love? What is it based on? Is it an idea or a feeling?

[askdfjnak]

@DimmedBulb If you have one eye one the person next to you, you only have one eye on the road you're walking down.

It's normal to want to compare yourself to others, but it's something that you have to get out of the habit of doing.
It only slows you down.

If you didn't mind that your friend was better than you at everything you wouldn't be feeling inadequate right now.
You would just naturally spend time doing whats important to you.

This is basically self love.
You don't have to work to love yourself, you already do.
All you have to do is stop getting in your own way by comparing yourself to others or by trying to live up to a "perfect self" in your head, then you will naturally start to think and feel much better.

Paradoxically, when you start to think and feel better, you will start to perform better.

Leo made a video on comparing yourself to others and worth/achievement. One of the re-frames is that everybody has zero worth (from memory) I'm pretty sure it's all in this video

Edited September 9, 2016 by Marc Schinkel
added link

[cirkussmile]

If you tell your self you can't - you're right.

 

If you tell your self you can - you're right.

[DimmedBulb]

@Marc Schinkel The only thing I can equate self-love to after that description would be self-deception or false hope. Me thinking I could do something was lead to pain and misery, because it ended up not being good enough, coming up short. I'm not even sure if I want to get better at this point. There's such a sense of futility.

[Consept]

@DimmedBulb

1. Think of it like this do you love your mum because of her achievements? Is her worth to you based on her achievements? The answer is probably no you love her because of her, well you should extend this unconditional love to yourself. Your worth is based on your bringing your true self to the world no matter what that entails. How would it be worth anything to be a fake you thats just trying to be successful to look like theyre worth something, it defeats the purpose of you. 

2. You can realise youre true self is the only thing thats worth anything 

3. I guess its both but its not something you can do its more of a realisation that you dont need to be anything more than what you are in this moment. In fact you cant be anything more than you are in this moment you can only get stressed about it 

[JKG]

@DimmedBulb Try out the 3-2-1-Shadow-Process by Ken Wilber

[DimmedBulb]

If I'd have to give a little example of how my head works, it'd be this: a person who learns to ride a bike at age 30 isn't going to have the same worth as a person who goes to the moon at age 30. Think social Darwinism, which I completely support. If humans are the superior race, we might as well go the distance of making it the best it can be.

[JKG]

2 hours ago, DimmedBulb said:

If I'd have to give a little example of how my head works, it'd be this: a person who learns to ride a bike at age 30 isn't going to have the same worth as a person who goes to the moon at age 30. Think social Darwinism, which I completely support. If humans are the superior race, we might as well go the distance of making it the best it can be.

What about questioning your belief system. How can one person be more valuable than another person?

[DimmedBulb]

@quantum I'd say someone with more value would be someone with greater capacity, given they use it.

[abrakamowse]

Keep trying... don't quit

[Bronsoval]

Sounds like you need a little tenacity.  Remember that courage is not the absence of fear, its being afraid and doing it anyway.  Also failure is the only way to gain experience.  Edison is quoted saying "I have not failed, I have found 10,000 ways that it won't work."  Keep pressing!

[DimmedBulb]

@Bronsoval This to me presents another problem. I'm so avoidant that I conclude that I just don't want it enough, because if I did, I would be courageous enough to fail over and over.

[abrakamowse]

7 hours ago, DimmedBulb said:

@Bronsoval This to me presents another problem. I'm so avoidant that I conclude that I just don't want it enough, because if I did, I would be courageous enough to fail over and over.

I don't think is a matter of courage @DimmedBulb  . It is related , but I think is also a matter of patience. Let me share you my history.

I always liked to draw comics, and any kind of drawing or illustration. I felt that I was not good enough so my father took me to the home of a known comic artist in my country. He was english, but he lived in my country since he was very young and he made his career there. His nickname was Fola. He told me that I have to keep drawing all the time non stop. Try to draw any moment I can. And I did that, but I didn't see many improvements so I never dedicated the time that is needed to succeed.

So, I decided to become a Graphic Designer, it was like a "safer" position. And I didn't draw so often. To get good at illustration you need to draw everyday, no skip any day. Draw, draw and draw. I have friends that I meet because we liked to create comics that are now publishing to Europe and Image Comics, Marvel, DC, etc... I am the only one who didn't publish anything yet, I did but for minors comic magazines. What happened, they kept drawing more than me, so they become better than me faster.

Now I am 47, I continue drawing but not at a fast pace as them... and now I am beginning to feel that my art has a professional look and it is good to publish. So now I am making a portfolio to begin to look for opportunities in the field of illustration and comics when I could have done that much younger. But that's life. I am not complaining, it was my choice. Unconscious, conscious or not, it was my choice.

It takes about 10,000 hours to learn a new skill, that's what everybody says. The rule of 10,000 hours , you can read about it here .

Leo talks about it in some of his videos I think. So, if you draw 5 or 6 hour per day (I am talking about drawing but is the same with any other project or skill) you will be good at something (let's say learn the ropes of creating a business) in about 5 years.

I have friends who draw less than 5 hours, let's say 3 hours and they become really good in 10 years. But they began when they were 16 or around that age so they become good at 26 even at 30... that's a pretty nice age.

But forget about ages and all that, what I wanted to tell you is that you will be failing the 2 or 3 first years, but you have to be PATIENT.

Be patient and know that you will become good, you only have to continue trying. Don't quit fast.

 

Remember winners never quit and quitters... never win...

 

Edited September 10, 2016 by abrakamowse

[Bronsoval]

7 hours ago, DimmedBulb said:

@Bronsoval This to me presents another problem. I'm so avoidant that I conclude that I just don't want it enough, because if I did, I would be courageous enough to fail over and over.

So... Dont be.  Make a conscious decision to not be avoidant.  It wont be easy.  But it is possible.

[DimmedBulb]

@abrakamowse How do you manage to work on something every day for up to six hours? I don't think there is really anything in the world I'd work that long for. Do you really want something that badly that you could work on it for that long? I can't think of anything I could actively spend that amount of time on.

[Bronsoval]

10 hours ago, DimmedBulb said:

@Bronsoval This to me presents another problem. I'm so avoidant that I conclude that I just don't want it enough, because if I did, I would be courageous enough to fail over and over.

So... Dont be.  Make a conscious decision to not be avoidant.  It wont be easy.  But it is possible.

[Bronsoval]

@DimmedBulb From reading your other posts, it seams that "specialists" have spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what's "wrong" with you. My suggetion is to throw all of that out the window. Doctors make good money telling people they are broken or damaged just because the person doesn't fit in the "social norm" catagory.  It's now your job to find out what you are good at, what excites you.  If nothing comes to mind, then congraulations my friend, you have a world of opportunity!  Go try new things, not just once or twice, but really let yourself get immersed in something. You seam pretty bright so try a spectrum of things like art, music, math, science, videogames, athletics, mechanics, physics, astronomy, culinary, ANYTHING!  You have an open door. Nobody's perfect. Everyone has some kind of strength.  Find it.  Use it.  You are a miracle just being here right now.  Go do something awesome.  You seam very pessimistic.  Some of the brightest people I know are.  What people dont tell you is that pessimism can be used as a strength.  Pessimists try to see every angle, so they often times pick up on what others miss.  This is a good thing that you might be able to use.

[DimmedBulb]

@Bronsoval My unhealthy thoughts predate me visiting a therapist. They've been trying to help me structure out my life, but I'm not able to. Meds do seem to be helping me a little bit. I don't really buy into the idea they're in it for the money. I know I wouldn't and aid is almost always altruistic.

 

I seem to have an aversion to most things. Nothing really speaks to me and I don't have the ability to take initiative. I've been meaning to try certain things for over a year, but I just don't. I just don't get why desire doesn't lead to motivation.