Could I Have Been Sexually Abused? Could You...?

[musicalwatch]

So I watched Leo's "How to stop being a victim video, part 1" and started feeling extremely heavy inside. Lots of unexplained heaviness inside that I suddenly got. No other Leo's video caused it before and I watched a lot of them. Aaaaand then I thought that I was abused as a child. Sexually. The weird thing is that I am a guy and was raised in Russia by a single mom since 11 years old after my father died on the toilet from boozing too much one morning. I don't truly know what he did for living- maybe he was a crook, maybe he was a decent successful man. The only thing I know is that the economic crisis of the 1990's didn't touch us and we always had money.

I have no memories of any sexual abuse whatsoever. However, I do remember discovering "Marquise de Sade"'s book under my mother's bed when I was around 12 and read that shit. That REALLY fucked me up. Nevertheless, I finished the whole book in a heartbeat.

Anyways, maybe it's all in my head and it's the mind trick that my "Victim Identity" plays on me. Should I try to get to the bottom of it and focus on Shadow Psychology? I can't really remember much of my childhood to be honest. I discovered one repressed memory not too long ago- I pissed in a beer bottle when I was 13 and manipulated my friend to drink it. Should I keep digging or focus on the NOW?

I am really scared

[musicalwatch]

Could I have been a victim of some monstrosity or am I a monster who repressed something and now tries to blame someone else. I don't even know where to start thinking. Maybe I am just me who imagined all that because Leo's video struck to the core of my Being

Edited September 9, 2016 by musicalwatch

[Franko]

Dude, not having a parent during your growth SURELY hurted you. and I'm not talking about some minor thing, your whole identity is built over that fact. So, when hearing about sexually stuff, it surely triggers something inside you. Not necessary that you have been abused, but some Big part of you feels painful, and thoughs difficult to bear, the thoughs you writted comes with those feelings.

Now, you are aware of some sexually related issue, and it's a good thing, because only now, you can heal it. 

 You are NOT a monster, you are an amazing being

Do Not start thinking. Start feeling right fucking now in your body the hurt you feel, it will eventually dissolve.

If you are interested about some help to do this, post me any concern or sent me a message.

I've been through something like this, and I am. I know the difficult it is.

 

[FindingPeace]

Could you have been abused? Maybe, maybe not. But does it matter?

On 09/09/2016 at 1:02 AM, musicalwatch said:

I have no memories of any sexual abuse whatsoever.

It's almost as though you are looking for a story to tell that confirms that you are/were a victim of something.

In the present moment you have no memory of being a victim. So why create one? What if you dropped this whole line of questioning and carried on with life?

The past is something that doesn't exist. It's been and gone. The past exists only as a concept and a memory. And even then, our memories are not accurate and they have a funny habbit of changing. In this case you don't even have a memory and you want to try and find one.

Ask yourself this: are you, right now in the present moment, suffering as a result of this mysterious, unknown, past? Are you suffering a reoccurring trama about this 'event'. How is it effecting your life right now?

Don't get caught up in a lengthy distraction about something that may or may not have happened. The past is a distraction. The now is the only this that's real. Where you go from now matters more than where you came from.

On 09/09/2016 at 1:02 AM, musicalwatch said:

Should I keep digging or focus on the NOW?

Focus on the NOW. Unless the past is still effecting you, in which case dig down to it and sort it. But, ultimately, accept that past. Accept where you've come from. It is what it is. It doesn't define you. It isn't your identitiy. You are who you are in the present moment. That's all that is real.