My experience after being 1 year on antidepressant

[kag101]

This topic is especially for those of you who are in this really dark place, of feeling lost in life, of desperately trying to get better through self-help or spirituality but to no avail. This is my personal experience. 

 

1 year "anniversary" 

It's been about 1 year that my mood is stabilized. There is no greater blessing than this. Being able to engage in life in a healthy and constructive way is magical. For someone who lived as a zombie for so many years, it's awesome to feel like I am me again -- my natural self. I don't have to try too hard to "be confident, happy, or spiritually evolved". Life is neither hard nor easy; it's in the right level.  

I owe my recovery to both psychology and psychiatry. Friends or spiritual gurus don't really help that much in that area. Even though the evidence for antidepressants is only modest, I feel like it really helped me. I could sense the difference in my state of mind when my doctor increased the dosage of my current medication. It was like... suddenly, I was normal again. The difference between having the flu vs not having the flu.

I wrote a topic here about a month after I got well.  The Power of Traditional Psychotherapy (and Psychiatry) - Self-Actualization - Actualized.org Forum So it's good to write now after 1 year.

Depression is one of those things that I heard about it many times, but it was somewhat vague. "Lack of energy". Deep down, I thought what I was experiencing was just laziness. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Living with depression is like having to live carrying 100 lbs on your back. You can do it, but it is really exhausting and painful. And oftentimes the package is not just depression, but it also includes high levels of anxiety. So I whether felt like I was dead inside (depression), or like I was drowning (anxiety).

 

Not enough by itself, but the most important thing 

Now... is the medication the end-all-be-all? Not in my case. It is just the beginning. But I'd argue that it is the most important piece of the puzzle. If I were to choose between having found my psychologist (who I really like) or my psychiatrist (who I don't resonate that much, but who is very good at what he does), I would choose the psychiatrist. 

If I was depressive, and I was going to my psychologist, it would sort of help. But it would be hard to go there, and I wouldn't see much results. 

My therapist has been great at helping me to get back to life. No medication per se can magically make me reconstruct my life. But what it can do is remove the extra burden that I had to carry for many years. Not to say that I was always  depressive. In fact, that's one of the most common myths about mental illness. It generally is not something constant; but cyclical. So there are periods that I feel normal, and then... boom. It hits again. And the more time passes, the worse this scenario gets. 

 

"I don't fucking care about side effects. I have to do something different!" 

I had moments in my life that I was feeling well. When I was finishing high school (I was 16), I was well. I had friends and was generally happy. But then, at 17, I hit rock bottom. Then, at 18, I was generally well again. But... at 19, I had a massive breakdown. At 20, I sorta managed to get back on my feet. But at 21, my life was really crappy (would wake up at 5 pm, was highly socially anxious, depressive, escaping life). 

Then, at 22, I said to myself: "That does it. I can't take this anymore. I've tried all the alternative methods. I gotta do something different, or this shit will only get worse." I had read a book called "An Unquiet Mind" which really opened my eyes to the fact that medication can not only help but also save lives. "I don't care if I get side-effects. Loss of libido? Yeah, that sucks. But in my depressive state, I already have that." 

Now... the tricky thing is that the cyclical nature of the illness makes people postpone seeking proper professional help as long as possible. As soon as there is some improvement in my mood, I would sabotage myself and think: "Oh... I don't need any of this. See? I'm good now. It was just some temporary thing". And that's one of the reasons why I am grateful that my illness was not soft. I couldn't function in society anymore. It wasn't super severe, but I'd say upper-moderate. So I reached a point that I had to do something different. 

 

The #1 self-development action I've ever taken

Going to a psychiatrist — especially someone who had been heavily into spirituality and yoga for the last years — was something really outside of my comfort zone. But I am so freaking glad I took that first step 2 years ago. On 11/04/2018. This first psychiatrist was crappy. But eventually I found the one I am with right now, who is really competent and not arrogant.

It took a year to find the right medication and dosage, and get stabilized. I was expecting to have side effects with the medication, particularly sexual impotence and increase in appetite. But actually the med I am in didn't give me any of that. Quite the contrary actually. 

 

There is hope

I hope that my experience gives some hope. That yes, it is possible to feel good and stabilized on a consistent basis. Unfortunately, it can be quite costly and challenging to find good professionals; but from my experience, this has been the #1 thing that I took action on. If it had taken me 5x longer to get better and 5x more costly, it would still be sooo worth it.

What is the point of living if you have a sick mind?  

Btw - I highly recommend the book "An Unquiet Mind", by Kay Redfield Jamison. This book really opened my mind to the possibility of getting better. 

 

Best of luck! Feel free to ask me question, as I will happily reply to them all. 

[FredFred]

Interesting read! You seem like a great person, I'm happy you're feeling better and better as time goes on

The decision you took of taking antidepressants was an act of love towards yourself. Not everyone has the courage it takes to do something like this, I'm not even sure I would, but you somehow found a way.

Continue to listen to your heart, and I'm sure great things with come to you, Metta

[The0Self]

I'm happy it worked out for you! I've never had depression -- or if I did, I never viewed it as negative. I'm also not a very anxious person in general, but I did have social anxiety to some degree. I was prescribed an SNRI called Cymbalta (duloxetine 60mg) for social anxiety about 6 years ago, and holy crap can I see that as having potential for treating depression! I literally could not even experience sadness. But I guess I'm eccentric because I love sadness, so I stopped taking it after about a year, which gave me some surprising withdrawals -- laughing and crying fits, insane dreams, ringing in the ears, etc. I experienced absolutely no sexual side effects though. Good luck on your journey! Keep it up, you're doing a great job.

[kag101]

@FredFred Thanks a lot for the kind words ? 

It was hard to take that leap of faith, because I thought it wouldn't work. There are a lot of "silent" success cases in psychiatric treatment. That is, the person feels better but doesn't talk about it. So the testimonials we tend to hear are really biased, as the overwhelming majority of people who share their experience are the ones who had horrible ones. 

I feel this call to work with helping people who are going through similar things that I had to deal with, alone. And now I feel strong and confident enough to go back to college and pursue my psychology degree =D 

@The0Self Well, the purpose of the medication is to feel the normal spectrum of emotions. Not feeling sadness is not a sign that the medication is working properly. In my case, I definitely still feel sadness, but now it is proportional to what I am going through in life. I'd even say that now I am able to experience sadness. When I get depressed, I simply cannot feel anything. It's awful.

Did you stop taking it by yourself? 

[The0Self]

@kag101 Yes, I stopped it by myself. I was going to taper, but ended up going cold turkey just to get it over with. I also did it to be as substance-free as possible to really see how far I could go with meditation. Kind of an OCD reaction, but anyway... A few days after my last dose, I started to feel pretty strange and experienced head-zaps almost constantly for about a month. Apparently the head zaps are the worst symptom for some people but honestly, I thought they felt kind of nice -- though they did get pretty annoying at times. For the first 2 weeks my emotional regulation was way off -- if I thought something was funny and started laughing, I'd sometimes find myself unable to stop, even when it was not socially acceptable or personally convenient to continue laughing.

[kag101]

@The0Self What you did was really irresponsible. It could've been way worse.