In Need Of Some Guidance.

[DimmedBulb]

Not sure if this is the right subforum. Move it if need be.

 

As for backstory: 20 years old, live with my parents, only finished high school, diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and depression. There may be contradictions in the following. The fact that I'm not sure just means that I have no idea what's going on or what to do. It's also whatever came to mind, stream of consciousness if you will. I really don't know how to structure this.

 

And here I am: in my room. As usual. I spend my days behind the computer, online, without even liking it. There are things I can do that would make me feel better, but I can't be bothered 9 out of 10 times. Taking a walk outside for example is a massive undertaking that takes up a lot of mental energy. I don't have a job or anything, although my therapist has forced me to do voluntary work, which if you think about it is pretty hilarious. Can't say I mind it. How does a 20 year old not have a normal job or go to school? Depression. Tried uni last year and managed to leave with no credit after having been there for half a year. An epic fail would be an understatement. It wasn't specifically because it didn't interest me, but because I didn't have the focus to work on it enough, as well as being constantly overwhelmed by the amounts and constantly doubting myself, which shouldn't be a surprise if your IQ is only 120. Writing is also impossible because I've had creative block since I can remember existing and that is not an exaggeration. I haven't achieved anything in life, yet I don't exactly wanna do something about it, but at the same time I do. To detach the emotions from the destructive thoughts, I've started taking anti-depressants. They do their job, but it makes it even more apparent that I have no interest in or passion for anything. I just don't believe that I could ever do something "fulfilling", that I could do something amazing. Why would I anyway? I've only learned to operate on fear, so there's no need for me to perform in life if there's no one to shoot my brains out if I miss a deadline. There's no structure in life. My general attitude towards everything is "I can do without if it means I still have a house, food and internet access". It's merely existing while watching others live. I used to be into video games, but now it's evolved into mindless consumption of entertainment and knowledge. So passively watching videos works, but listening to an audiobook is too much to be asked. I have severe difficulty creating structure in my life, yet I'm definitely the one who needs it most, which is super unhelpful in every way. I feel like all this self-improvement stuff is just a hoax (no offence), a painful reminder that not everyone is cut out to be good at something, that not every story has a happy ending. It hasn't made me feel better in any way. It's a slap in the face if anything. It fills the obsessive need to have a "good life". I've got pretty bad focus issues. Think ADD and you have a pretty good idea, except I also have depression, which means that nothing is interesting and therefore there's nothing I can focus on because it doesn't captivate me. Even trying to read back what I just read is too much to ask, because it's a pretty big amount. It makes meditation impossible, which shouldn't be hard to figure out if your attention span for anything that doesn't interest you is 2 minutes maximum.

 

If i had to say the things I like, I'd say music and politics, but there's nothing I can do with those. It's way too overwhelming, at least if either is to be turned into a profession. I couldn't put effort into it anyway.

 

Just... where do I go from here? I'm seeing a therapist, I take my medication, but I just don't create momentum on my own. I don't gravitate towards anything.

[Zane]

@DimmedBulb I'm also on the Autism Spectrum and i would love to give you guidance in life. In my second semester of my freshman year and my first semester of my sophomore year, I went through academic slumps, I was on the verge of failure and I felt extremely anxious and felt like everything was spiraling out of control. I'm 22 years old and my twenties had just started and I feel like I'm in a burgeoning Golden Age. You can break out of this slump because it doesn't last forever! You have the key to freedom and you might sense there's a path but you could be uncertain which path is for you or where the key fits. Perhaps I can give you some guidance and advice but not do your self-actualization for you. Welcome to Actualized.org and welcome to the Forum!!! 

[Christian]

I can honestly relate to you. I for one also have autism and I also find it difficult to motivate myself to do things in general. I do also think I have depression or something, but I am still hopeful for the future. I have a fundamental belief that I can do whatever I want. That belief has always stayed with me and I can see that it has helped quite a bit - especially with my studies and relationships in general.

As far as your passion is concerned, I think it is best to try out a lot of different stuff to find out what you really like. Leo said it took him like 10 years of deliberate searching - do not quote me on this - to find his life purpose which is teaching self help in video form. Compare that with your case to get a more realistic picture. You are not supposed to "know" what you like and do not like at this age really and blaming yourself for it is going to hold you back even more..

Take some action my friend. I know it is hard especially with autism because autistic people (like myself) like to stay in a bubble. But getting that initial momentum of going outside your comfort zone is critical. So do it anyway and fight your lower self. I know you can! 

Peace...