Discipline!

[Preety_India]

This is something I really struggled with in my life. 

 

[Preety_India]

6 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 5: A Need for Gentleness

 

I began realizing how critical my need for gentleness really was after my first group session at the psych ward.   

When I came back home, the issues I faced in the psych ward wasn't alleviated. My parents always had this tough love approach to parenting. It's the reason why I have been so reluctant to discipline. They were always harsh towards me. I know I have talked a lot about undisciplined discipline in previous posts so I will keep it short. Their discipline was so harsh to where I became turned off from discipline and as a result currently lack discipline in my life because I associate it with pain. And after the psych ward that tough love sentiment continued. I kept getting into fights with my father especially who tends to get really triggered when I express any type of negative emotion. His default go to is to start criticizing and start coming up with a solution and in turn begin preaching/ barking orders on what I need to do. It hasn't made my recovery easy. I have a hard time being gentle with myself because I never got that growing up. 

This isn't the first time that I was aware for my need for gentleness. It has manifested in other times as well. One of the big ways my need for gentleness manifests is my fantasies around having a relationship. When I think of being in a relationship, my mind goes towards a guy softly kissing my cheek and my hands, someone running his fingers through my hair, someone who will bring me flower and be a comforting ear when I am going through something. I want someone who will take things slow with me, who will respect my boundaries, and most of all who will be empathetic. This is embarrassing but I spend so many nights cuddling with a pillow pretending its another person. In other words, I want someone who is going to treat me like I am precious to him, as if I am dainty and soft. I don't want to constantly be told to be strong or to suck it up. I want to be vulnerable and have my vulnerability honored through the gentleness of someone who cares about me. . 

 

 

I think this is what exactly happened to me. 

I was never treated gentle by my parents. My dad never stood up to my mom's behavior and she was just downright abusive, not just critical.. 

In terms of discipline she was extremely harsh to the point that I began to see discipline as a very negative thing.. 

Thanks to @soos_mite_ahfor bringing this up because I wasn't aware of this unconscious dynamic happening already in my brain. I was treated so badly that I lost any tiny bit of self awareness I could ever have. Instead of being disciplined I became suicidal.

I also like the part about vulnerability. I was made to think that I always needed to be tough and suck it up and not expect much. My boundaries and expectations completely ruined. 

So the part about being vulnerable and being respected for being vulnerable really cuts deep.. 

[Preety_India]

Instead of using discipline I used distraction. 

And distraction was just a coping mechanism. 

 

[Preety_India]

This thread might help me 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@soos_mite_ah your posts are really helpful in making me understand why I lack discipline.

 

[soos_mite_ah]

I would highly suggest checking out the book The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck. He has an entire section of that book dedicated to discipline. That's where I got most of my insights regarding this topic. He also talks about love and grace as well which also relates to the topic of discipline. 

[Preety_India]

@soos_mite_ah  thank you so much. Your posts are extremely useful and helpful to me and you've a brilliant gift of self analysis. I largely lack in terms of self analysis partly because of childhood trauma and brain disorder that I developed as a child due to birth defects. 

So I'm very glad that your posts help me with my own self analysis.