Sadomasochistic attraction to Dominant Males

[Preety_India]

I have a certain kind of sadomasochistic attraction to Dominant males. 

I find myself in a submissive role around such men. However I'm often left feeling guilt over my attraction. 

Is this healthy attraction? 

I also get feelings where I feel like I want to be raped by such a dominant male (like a strange rape fantasy) in such a way that it repeats or continues the inner trauma in me. I don't know why I get such dark thoughts. It feels like a relief to recreate/relive traumatic scenarios because it feels like familiar attachment or at least a memory of such bonding /attachment. 

Also being controlled sexually by a dominant male creates a false sense of security, but security nevertheless. 

But I don't want any random male to do this. Only the male I'm attracted and seduced by and someone I connect with. 

Edited November 23, 2020 by Preety_India

[Eph75]

Attraction that you feel guilt over? How can that be healthy.

Whether that is the "sadomasochistic attraction to Dominant males" that makes it unhealthy or the guilt you feel for having that such an attraction, that's something only you can answer.

Considering past stories about narcissism, it sounds like a codependency thing, and if so, that makes it not seem very healthy.

On the guilt side, what thoughts are connected to this guilt, what is it in this that trigger your guilt?

[Preety_India]

@Eph75 added more info. 

[Preety_India]

@Etherial Cat  the strange part that I observed in my attraction patterns is that I don't seek men like my dad although I admire such men. My dad is not what I will call dominant, he was a very passive submissive kind of man easily dominated and controlled by my mother. I had deep admiration for him and his qualities. 

Growing up I was controlled and dominated by my mother as well who was the only dominant figure in my family. 

When I grew up my mom would often tell me that I was very much like my dad in my behavior which made sense or else she wouldn't be able to dominate me 

The peculiar thing though is that the men I was attracted to were similar to my mom. And the relationship that I had with these men was similar to the dynamic between me and my mom, like a repetition of this dynamic. I felt a certain familiarity with such men, one of them so strikingly similar in his behavior with my mom that I even told him that he was like the male version of my mom 

Although these relationships were toxic there was a sense of familiarity in terms of attachment and I did not feel very unsafe. It was like repeating my relationship with my mother and reinforcing that abusive dynamic in these relationships. In many ways these men represented the parental maternal figure who I had a difficulty bonding with and it created a safe space for me, feeling like I was forging something that was broken years ago.. Over time of course I realized that these relationships were eating me up and I gave up on them but that strange sense of satisfaction that I felt in such unsafe relationships is very difficult and mysterious to decode and understand. 

 

[Gesundheit]

Just keep observing yourself like that with love. Complete honesty with yourself and without judgements. You're healing...

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Gesundheit said:

Just keep observing yourself like that with love. Complete honesty with yourself and without judgements. You're healing...

Yeah. 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Etherial Cat said:

Was your father around? Did he show you affection throughout all your childhood?

He was a very affectionate dad. He was always around. He was the main family member who would play with me, give me toys, take me to places like amusement parks.. The only childhood memories of affection are from him. 

In fact he gave me all the love that my mother couldn't give. He filled where she left me empty. 

I did love him greatly yet my relationship with my mom was very complicated and I always yearned for her validation and acceptance, something that I always tried to with the narcissists in my relationships as well. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Etherial Cat yea that could explain it. 

 

[Globalcollective]

@Preety_India hey I see you making quite a few posts recently have you ever tried doing like a long retreat or something where you don't have access to men? It's probably the best thing I have done for relationships as I found just how deep the love that resides inside you goes and it kind of frees you alot from the suffering from relationships as your ok to be on your own if you have to. Just an idea

[Javfly33]

If you can enjoy it and it doesn´t affect your life, why not? 

For example I find myself attracted to dominant females that can humiliate me and so on, but it does feel bad. It does affect my life and sexual energy and I have verified is a sick contioning my mind has created.

If you genuinely feel good doing it (or fantasizing about it), if it feels congruent, why not.

I always thought BDSM is not a healthy thing, and in 99% of cases it has to do with self-esteem/trauma issues, but hey where in the era where all sexual fetishes must be accepted and considered healthy because if not you are not progressive.

This is not to be compared with some role play here and there in the bedroom of course. Usually men have the dominating role and women the submissive, but in my opinion BDSM goes to the extreme in this and completely degenerates it and makes it pathological.

[Leo Gura]

Normal feminine attraction.

[Matt23]

When you say 

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I find myself in a submissive role around such men. However I'm often left feeling guilt over my attraction. 

Is this healthy attraction? 

I also get feelings where I feel like I want to be raped by such a dominant male (like a strange rape fantasy) in such a way that it repeats or continues the inner trauma in me.

it made me question several things.  First, is it the attraction to that scenario that's unhealthy, or is the guilt and repression of that fantasy unhealthy?  And how could you distinguish between the two?  I hesitate to say since I worry a bit about encouraging some sort of trauma-related reenactment which may be doing more harm than good.  But I also don't know if fantasizing about that type of scenario is trauma-related if one is finding attraction in it.  I'm seeing a distinction between A) natural and healthy attraction, but with guilt attached to it, and B) some unhealthy relationships with sex coming from trauma.  

I honestly don't know a lot about this.  

From my POV, I could see how if there's simply some guilt in feeling and enjoying these fantasies, I'd try to work on letting yourself enjoy them and honor them.  Get dirty  

But, I dunno, maybe sometimes there are unhealthy sexual fantasies that leave people feeling "spiritually" and psychologically worse-off and hurt.  But I'd imagine that these would be accompanied by significantly greater negative feelings that the guilt mentioned above.  Like a soul-pain or something.

Try feeling it out more, within yourself as you explore these different facets of yourself.  Do they feel healthy?  Are there thoughts, fear, or judgments that get in the way of seeing the truth?  

Also, there is a difference between fantasy and reality, and these two can be very different in terms of what's healthy.  For example, I can fantasize about murdering my mom, which could provide some healthy benefits.  But doing it in reality I'd say is unhealthy.  Or, I can fantasize about being fucked by a dominant male, or even enslaved by him.  Perhaps even do it in reality but as an agreed upon activity where both parties know and care about the wellbeing of the other, so that it's not totally reality in that the dominant male isn't actually raping me, but is pretend raping me or something.  

Follow your heart, trust yourself.  Play with it. 

Edited November 23, 2020 by Matt23

[Lyubov]

This is a VERY common fantasy for many women. It's so common that it is often enjoyed through novels (50 shades), porn, etc. I've dated and spoke to many women who have this same emotional attraction to varying degrees. Many women have this fantasy and there is nothing wrong with it. There is an aspect of the feminine that wishes to be embraced by the masculine like this. All you have to be conscious of is engaging with it consciously. That is it. No need to feel shame about it and it doesn't make you a defective or wrong person. There is so much shame around sexuality. I think as a society we need to realize sexuality is much more expansive than we realize. It is sort of an avenue that various emotional needs may manifest in. No need to feel bad about the content. Just look for ways to satisfy it in healthy ways. Many masculine men fantasies about dominating women, owning them sexually, etc. Find a partner who is on the opposite of the pole of your fantasy and fulfill each other's together. 

[Preety_India]

 

42 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

It would probably be fun if it was friendly, loving... but it isn't when it's unwanted and mean.
Like, they shouldn't mindrape the sub if they don't ask for it or if they want you to stop.
Same with the body.

It's not unnatural at all.  

Do you like Beastars?

Maybe you should explore it more?

There is godliness in all actions, it just depends on your perspective.
Even within the supposed worst things there is always something good imbued within it.

Click.

Yea I agree absolutely. 

I wouldn't want to get raped by some random guy or even a friend/acquaintance. That would be against my wish and that would actually feel like an actual rape. 

What I have is just a sexual fantasy of conjugal rape with a guy who I share romantic feelings with, someone I can completely trust. 

It's also inspired by movies like Gone with the Wind (bit of an old school girl here  forgive me). Where the guy snatches the girl and kisses her passionately, obviously he knows she has feelings for him 

I don't like watching Anime or anything Japanese/Asian (not my type) so I don't know much about Beastars. 

That article was really revealing but I would describe that as a forceful rape situation because he was clearly putting his hand on her mouth. That's a cheap move and not to be done on a friend who is trusting. 

If a random man or even a friend got sexual I'd feel absolutely disgusted and even traumatized. 

I am absolutely thrilled that I managed to open up about something like this. You have no idea, I was thinking about writing this last November here but I didn't out of the intense fear of being shamed. 

Glad to know that people took it okie dokie. I was actually imagining a comment that would say that I deserved to be raped blah blah blah. 

I definitely want such a fantasy with a man who is actively trying to seduce me with the intention to develop romantic attachment with me to own me sexually and keep me. A very masculine man though. And I want to be able to rely on him through such a dysfunctional sexual chemistry. A man who is keenly interested in a long term relationship, not just short term thrills and ditching later. 

In reality a lot of such men are just bad. It's not a romantic novel irl, few men probably have the open mindedness to imagine that it's nice to entertain a woman's sexual fantasies in a non-cheap non-vulgar serious way without demeaning her womanhood. And the culture where I come from, it's absolutely impossible to even make such an utterance. 

[The0Self]

I’ve noticed this very prominently in probably 80% of the girlfriends I’ve dated regularly. Maybe even 99% but it was inconclusive in 20%. Most of them were in their early-mid 30s though. I’m mid 20s and have a major thing for women quite a bit older than me. This is not unique to you, it’s the human condition.

Edited November 24, 2020 by The0Self

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

That's the problem is that many men like that also do that.
Maybe ENFJ is the best match for INFP.  That's the type of man who would be like this.
Fe + Ni

Thank you for your reply. What's Fe + Ni? I'm sorry I'm new to these things. 

 

[F A B]

Normal feminine attraction

[Raze]

try IFS therapy

[Preety_India]

@Raze I don't have money for therapy. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Leo Gura  @Eph75  @Etherial Cat  @Keyhole

Do you guys think that I should tell my current boyfriend about these fantasies and tell him to play them out with me. Would you advise that? 

Or would he think that I'm being weird because I don't want to disappoint him.