I Feel That I'm Lost. My Age's 40+.

[DanoDMano]

OceanJjb just know that you are not alone in this journey. We all experience these times of uncertainty, sadness and confusion. I think our number one reason for these emotions are our feelings of lack of purpose. We ask ourselves, Why am here and what can I do to find meaning in my life?  Without purpose it seems as if life is meaningless, especially for those of us that just seem to be drifting through time. Discover your purpose OceanJjb.

Reflect on your life, do the things you find enjoyable and let time play itself out. My philosophy is all things (good and bad) happen for reasons we do not know at the time, and what might seem to be a negative experience now will turn into a blessing in the future. 

Believe in the Law of Attraction, (Leo has a video) and it just might change your life. Good luck.  

[DanoDMano]

pressed saved twice. Patients Dano patients.

Edited February 10, 2016 by DanoDMano
saved twice sorry

[Ayla]

4 hours ago, OceanJjb said:

@Ayla  I've been wanting to let it go.  I searched "sedona practice to relieve old patterns" in YouTube but didn't quite hit the right videos.  Could you show me which one?  

Sedona method 

[Phrae]

4 minutes ago, Ayla said:

Sedona method 

What's the difference between this and The Work?

[Ayla]

2 minutes ago, Phrae said:

What's the difference between this and The Work?

Some people resonate better with Sedona Method than Byron Katie's "The Work" 

 

[pgchollet]

HI OceanJjb

Although I’m a psychologist, I’m not a big advocate of labels; I think they get us into trouble. Here’s why, I’ve found over the years that nothing is ever about ONE thing. For example, you say your “depressed”, I’m not doubting your feelings of depression I understand they are very real. However, you’ve taken positive steps towards finding help for your feelings of depression. 

One of the hallmark characteristics of someone who is depressed is they are “HOPELESS”, they don’t do use statements such as,

“I’m desperately looking for where I can fit it” those aren’t the words of depression.  Also, a depressed person wouldn’t read books, do yoga, or go to a forum and say, I want somebody to “kick my ass”!

These are all very positive signs. Sometimes people get into this downward spiral of helplessness that results in feelings of hopelessness and feelings of inadequacies. Your trying to make changes to feel better but nothing seems to working. I call this, “being in the right city with the wrong map”. Let’s say I send you to New York City and I want you to find the Empire State Building. I even give you a map so you won’t get lost.  But I made a BIG mistake and instead of giving you a map of New York City, I give you a map of Los Angeles! You call me and say, “I’m looking at this map and I can’t find WHERE the Empire State building is located”!  I say, “You’re not trying hard enough, LOOK closer, it’s there, it’s a MAP. You must be doing something wrong”!

Guess what, no matter how much you work that map of LA, it’s never going to help you find what you’re looking for in NYC

I’m suggesting that you tried various maps or techniques to help you with your depression, but what you have tried isn’t getting you to where you want to be. But, it’s caused you to continue in downward spiral feeling overwhelmed by your feelings helplessness and hopelessness. What I find is the most helpful technique is to first, get out of your head. Part of the reason you feel depressed is that you’re thinking depressing thoughts.

Start small:  Get a little memo pad make sections for morning, afternoon and evening. For 7 days mark every time you automatically think or say a negative statement about yourself or your situation.  Also, write what you were doing at the time. After a week you’ll notice see a pattern and notice “triggers’ that might be setting off the downward spiral.  You may find that having to be more conscious and in control of your thinking pattern will help you feel less depressed.  Try it and let me know how you do.

[Michele339]

@OceanJjb Hello OceanJjb, I am 48, in 5 months 49. I have divorced two times. My second marriage lasted 9 years. When I got pregnant of his child, his behavior towards me changed completely. First he was that loving husband, and suddenly he was that evil narcissistic creature. I suffered physical en mental abuse on a daily basis. My alcohol consumption took on a whole other level, and every day I was drunk. Giving my husband additional justification why I deserved to be punished. Nobody was aware of this situation, his demon came out when we were just the two of us.

After 7 years of marriage I was convinced that my only way out was suicide. But then something happened that changed my perception completely. On my 39the birthday I was diagnosed with AD(H)D. From that moment on, I stopped being the victim, and 3 weeks later I joined  A.A.

Me being sober and now defending myself verbally, I became useless to my husband. I didn’t fear him anymore. A few months later, my husband left me, already on the hunt to cash his next prey.

Now, ten years later, I enjoy the love and company of my 3 wonderful boys. I am in a loving relationship (for almost 8 years) with a man who adores me. He is 8 older than me. And I have a successful carrier.

Now why am I telling you my story?

Because it is a school example of how miserable life can be, if we choose not to take our responsibility for our own life and our own happiness. We all have our demons from past experiences. But it is our personal choose how we deal with them in the present. Demons feed on fear. You overcome fear with love! If you want your demons to leave you in peace, you have to love yourself, your life. Nobody else but you is in charge of your life. So, if you are not happy with your current situation, move your ass, stop existing and start living!!

I am grateful that I stopped choosing the easy way. Meaning: staying in my comfort zone by means of playing the victim, and blaming all my shortcomings, drinking and mistakes on my husband.

 

OceanJjb, I care about you. I tell you my story, because I hope to open your eyes.  If I didn’t care, I would be sleeping by now. In Belgium its 01:30 in the morning.

Take care!

 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Thugkitty  Free write . . . I'll try that!  I (try to) write journal every day but free-writing must be different . . . Thank you!

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@DanoDMano  

re: 'meaning/purpose of my life' -- I lost it now.  

I used to work in medical field (sorry I feel uncomfortable to show my job title here.)  I used to think that 'helping sick people is my 'call' but . . most of them have partner, kids, family & relatives -- they are supported.  I realized my situation . . my partner will die way sooner than me.  I have no kids.  No relatives here.  I'll be totally alone.  I saw way too many old declining people.  I just couldn't help imagining my . . those declining days.  

Minimum, financially I better be secure, but I don't have 401K . .  Nobody advised me that.  If I were American, I would have known . .  Anyway, then, I better get a job asap and start saving money . . but I have no motivation.  'Preparing for my solo-declining age' de-motivates me.  

Your writing, 'all things (good and bad) happen for reasons we do not know at the time' <-- I understand and I hope so.  

re: Law of Attraction.  I haven't watched Leo's version.  I better watch it.  

I thank you for taking time for me, your comments & suggestions very much.  

[curiousyill]

Hey OceanJjb (I hope I got that right lol), man I didn't read through every reply but; smile man. Do it, right now; just force it. Look dumb doing it, be as silly as you can; and my favorite thing to say is "GROW DOWN." Just for this moment while reading this, put all of those thoughts aside and just be a silly and immature as you can for a brief moment. Anytime you feel down, just force it; grow down. Forget everything around you, and get in total sync with your inner child. It sounds dumb but man, in a moment of privacy just take about five minutes and pretend you are Batman, or play some silly game, just let go of reality for a moment and indulge yourself in pure joy. I hope this helps man, I don't know you personally but; you are awesome! Own that awesomeness!

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Ayla Thank you very much.  

[Thugkitty]

@OceanJjb  

Please do you will get amazing results just from free wrighting along its a very powerful tool!

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@pgchollet  My worst days were last year around christmas and 2nd week of this year.  During then, I lost 7 lbs.  Then started taking anti-depressant.  Since then, my mood don't bottom out.  Started taking positive steps.  Sometimes, even after yoga, my mood get worse.  Sometimes, I feel like sunshine is taking my energy.  but now, I must be feeling way better now than before cuz I can get up from bed!  I get hungry in morning!  

Your NYC/LA map story:  I think I understood.  I may be looking at a wrong map.  You may be right.  I'm thinking about it.  

re: 7 days mark when negative thought kicked in.  I'm writing journal (recommended by therapist.  This is the 3rd week.)  The negative spell often happen when I woke up and when I'm alone.  I used to get depressed after argued with husband but lately I'm okay -- he started to go to therapy too.  

I wake up with negative thought . . . I wonder if I'm stuck with negative thought during sleep/dream?  <-- I've never thought that way!  Wow!  

Thank you very much for your time to think about my situation, your advice/suggestion.  I really mean it.  

[Extreme Z7]

It's hard for me to try to really understand what makes other people happy. I hardly even understand what makes me happy. I just try to do stuff that I like and avoid stuff I don't like.

Sorry if that wasn't very helpful advice, I'm 19, I'm still trying to figure things out myself.

If you feel like you're lost, naturally you're going to try to learn what it will take to get back on track. It just happens.

Don't worry. Nature is on your side.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Michèle  Michèle, I read your reply.  Actually I came to read your reply a couple times before writing this my reply.  You experienced Really Really hardtime.  I thank you for sharing your experience.  Writing the experience . . remembering the Darn hardtime . . must have exhausted you.  I sense it.  For that, I thank you from bottom of my heart.  

Your miserable hard time must be over.  I'm happy that you have a wonderful partner, 3 boys, and a good carrier!!  Yes you deserve all.  

My partner is close to my father's age.  As I wrote, I grew up verbally abused by my father.  Psychologically that's why I married to 'father-like' person. <-- didn't know when married.  Being bullied "ugly" in different contents by father, I didn't want kids with my ugly genes, therefore no kids.  Then now, I got to deal with the consequence.  

You wrote "you overcome fear with love!' . . . I understand.  And . . I sense that I quite don't know what 'love' is.  I didn't sense any 'love' from my original family.  They didn't protect me from bully by father.  So I left my country making excuse "to go to college."  

'Staying in my comfort zone by playing victim' <-- I have this drama-queen side too.  I want to get out of it.   That's why I want to be enlightened desperately.    

Again, thank you for your time and effort to share your difficult experience with me!  Good to know you who had very difficult time before, and now enjoying life!

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@curiousyill  

"Smile man, do it, right now!" <-- Yes I did.   

I came back to read your reply a couple time since yesterday.  I need time to process in my brain.  

12 hours later, your reply reminded me that . . I used to say silly things (excuse me but) ghetto way of saying things [with my 2nd language accent] and used to make people laugh . . when I was working.  Some people even used to say that I was 'silly and bubbly.'  

You are Right for 'Growing down'!!  I was good at it!!  My 'silly-ness urge' maybe accumulating in me to be released . .   

Acting bubbly-silly don't solve core of my problem, but I need the 'spice' for my life.  I just noticed it now.  

I even started thinking like . . My 'call' may be to say something stupid and make people laugh at work.  

I think you changed my brain-chemical . . Yea I sense it . . Dopamin must have kicked in in some level . . . 

i Thank You So Much!!  Your thumbnail reminds me of a pro-wrestling person . . don't know who tho . . anyway it's cute!   

[Kelley White]

20 hours ago, OceanJjb said:

re: 'meaning/purpose of my life' -- I lost it now.  

I used to work in medical field (sorry I feel uncomfortable to show my job title here.)  I used to think that 'helping sick people is my 'call' but . . most of them have partner, kids, family & relatives -- they are supported.  I realized my situation . . my partner will die way sooner than me.  I have no kids.  No relatives here.  I'll be totally alone.  I saw way too many old declining people.  I just couldn't help imagining my . . those declining days.  

Minimum, financially I better be secure, but I don't have 401K . .  Nobody advised me that.  If I were American, I would have known . .  Anyway, then, I better get a job asap and start saving money . . but I have no motivation.  'Preparing for my solo-declining age' de-motivates me.  

Hi @OceanJjb  Nice to meet you.  I hear you.  I hear you concern and your fears.  I would like to meet you where you are right now and let you know I understand that fear.  I was a  CNA.  I've done hospice and dementia work.   I'm going to be 54 this year.  I understand the fear of being alone and dying alone.  I also understand the very real fear of aging and of death.  I understand how demotivating it can be.

You have stated your partner will die sooner than you.  Is your partner ill currently?  What leads you to be certain that your partner will die sooner than you?  Age?  That's the first thing I'm wondering?  When we become aware of our own mortality?  We become aware of the mortality of those close to us.   My mom is concerned about these very things right now for bother herself and her husband.   I have had periods where I feel the same way; I know other women right now in my own life struggling with this.  Its a challenging thing to struggle with.  I want to acknowledge that so you know I hear you and I know how scary it is.

I personally am going to diverge from some of the advice of the other posters and suggest the book "Women Who Run with the Wolves" by Clarisa Pinkola Este's PHD.  Its an amazing book of women's knowledge  and oral tradition gathered from around the world and it deals with many  of the predominant female archetypes.   You can usually even find it in libraries around the world.  The crone stage is where we come into our wildness and our wisdom and we can dance under the moon in hidden groves.  (I know men get nice names, we get crone...but run with it. LOL)

This is another life cycle you are entering.  I personally think grieving lost youth is a normal part of the life cycle.  Its okay to visit.  Are you going to camp there until its time?  That becomes the true question. 

I personally am facing the same struggle.  What's the point when death awaits us all?  I have only come up with one answer I can live with.  Love.  Until I am dead, I can love, I can be of service to others.   Its the only answer I can arrive at that is 100% true.

I don't know what your interests are when you feel less focused on the death question?  I don't know what your faith is, or what your framework is for understanding life.  What I do know?  The minute I can get outside of my head and focus on helping someone else?  I focus less on the fear of dying. 

Another option might be hormones.  When you get older?  Our system dumps estrogen and when it does that?  You not only get some nice hot flashes but they come with panic attacks.   You can wake up with them due to how your hormones work.  I know nice way to start the morning.  Something some of the younger ladies here may not be aware of yet.    A visit to the doctor for a hormone level check and potential options might be enough to get you back on track.  Being postmenopausal can lead to the same issues.  I know because I dealt with that for about ten years. 

So I would recommend the book, I have not watched it yet but I am fairly confident Leo has a video about death in the free video section, so you might check that out.  Otherwise I would recommend the other book and checking your hormone levels with a doctor as a place to start.  Thoughts from a wee poet. LOL  Take what works, get rid of what doesn't.  I wish you the best.  I really do. 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@MaxWare1997   

I'm not for sure yet though . . . I sense that ultimate happiness may be when we genuinely be able to think 'we are a part of nature.  we thank for letting us be a part of nature."  

You are 19!  Gosh I lived more than twice of your living years . . .  I thought what I was doing/thinking when I was 19 . . .  I graduated high school, couldn't get in to a university which I wanted to (<-- this is an excuse), working part-time, going to English-lauguage school, secretly planning to get out of my family/country.  I was not thinking nothing else.  I was pretty Egoistic.  I've never thought of enlightenmnet nor self-actualization.  

I thank you for this opportunity to think back when I was 19.  

"Nature is on your side" <-- That's right.  My mantra is, "I listen to nature and am open to what it brings in me."  

Thank you for taking time to write your comment. 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Kelley White  

Hi Kelley, nice to meet you too.    Good to know that you were a CNA.  It was Darn Hard job, right?  I used to be a CNA/CHHA.  Since then, I experienced hospice, psych-dementia, long term, home care...  Pretty much all 'old people's place.'  The very 1st reason why I chose to work at hospice was . . I knew I would experience my partner's death.  I understand that 'accident' can happen and he may die sooner, or I may die sooner, but it's just accident.     

My partner is not ill at this moment but taking 2 kinds of blood pressure pills.  Since I've been in medical field, I can sort of expect the course.  His BMI is around 30, kinda fat.  His blood-relatives got pretty much 'average' life expectancy.  

After 60, 65, 70, everybody start declining.  Nobody can escape from declining, right?  His knees and shoulders are not same as before -- of course.  I think, in my early 40s (now), I see his sign of decline and expect the 'course' from my enormous experience taking care of old people . . . The decline will continue slowly for 10, 20, or 30 years.  

After that, I still got to continue living?  At this moment, I don't have energy to end my life.  I wish I can choose when to end my life.  

I knew that this depressing moment were coming, when I married him 15 years ago.  I thought that working for old declining people would help me prepare for when I got to face my partner started declining.  

What I didn't think when I married was, I will be Totally alone when I die.  No kids, no relatives.  When I started declining physically.. mentally.. No kids/no relatives to.. change light bulbs, pay bills, etc.., etc..  Then I need to be in retirement home or that kind of institution, but it ain't cheap At All.  I can't afford it, so I will probably die screwing up many things.  

Knowing so much of old people's life is back-firing me.  

Normally this kind of concern is for your mom's age people.  But for me, marring to a person who's my parents' age, and knowing So Many of old people's decline . . make me feel Really Real.  

When I see old couples . . Knowing I'll not age together with my partner like the old couples, I become sad.  Now I don't feel that depressed cuz I'm taking anti-depressant, so my mood don't bottom out.  I used to cry like hell before.  

 . . . I hope I answered your reply.  

Re: "Women Who Run with the Wolves" -- Since my English is 2nd language, I prefer audiobook.  Searched and found one in library (now I'm at a library), so downloading . . and it stopped.  I guess it got some kinda protection.  Shoot.  Now I go another library to borrow the book.  Sounds interesting book! per Amazon reviews.  Thank you for recommending the book.    I will try whatever to help me at this moment.  

Yes I sense that I entered another life cycle.  The cycle supposed to come 20 or 30 years later for normal/average people.  In this early 40s, with no kids, no family, no relatives, in 2nd country, and I'm introvert . . the anxiety/depression/fear is hitting me Bad.  

Re: "Its the only answer I can arrive at that is 100% true..."  "is Love" -- That's right.  I agree.  And .. I wonder if Love is missing in me?  When I grew up, while I was bullied (verbally) by father, none of my family helped me.  I sense that love is missing in me.  I need to learn "love" too.  

re: "faith" -- I think I can say that I'm kinda Buddhist.  I can be athiest too tho.  There's one more.. kinda religion.. I was born with, but I cannot write here cuz it will narrow down to one country.  I think I can say that another one is based on 'nature,' kind of like Native American one, like "Gods/spirits exist in everywhere in nature."  

re: "hormone" <-- Thank you for this advice!  I will ask my MD to order hormone check next time when I see her.  Since I don't have my uterus (taken out a couple years ago), I can't tell observing monthly period cuz I got no period no more.  

And I saved Leo's "Contemplating Your Own Death - To Stay Motivated For Life" in my 'Watch Later' list.  I got to go to another library now..  

Kelly, I thank you for your thought, replying me, sharing your experience and your recommendations.  At this moment, I feel very calm.  Actually I regretted posting this thread a couple times but now I think it was very good decision! to expose my insecurity.  

Also I thank all the people who's reading this my looong writing, tolerating my 2nd-language English.  

Peace

[Extreme Z7]

8 hours ago, OceanJjb said:

@MaxWare1997   

You are 19!  Gosh I lived more than twice of your living years . . .  I thought what I was doing/thinking when I was 19 . . .  I graduated high school, couldn't get in to a university which I wanted to (<-- this is an excuse), working part-time, going to English-lauguage school, secretly planning to get out of my family/country.  I was not thinking nothing else.  I was pretty Egoistic.  I've never thought of enlightenment nor self-actualization. 

I see you also want to learn about enlightenment! I think it will help you a lot if I expanded more on what I meant by "Nature is on Your Side". It's and idea the I got from reading works from P.D. Ouspensky. You say that you thought you were "doing" or "thinking" when you were 19, but in retrospect you find this to be false. But if you look a little closer, your ability to "do" or "think" right now is no different from that time in your life. Nature is the ultimate decider of your life and the universe. You did not choose to pursue enlightenment in the present just like you did not choose NOT to pursue enlightenment when you were younger. It is the ultimate illusion that we "do" things.

If you are pursuing enlightenment right now, be very grateful to what nature has given you. Nature is very picky to which individuals get to learn about this sort of thing. If P.D. Ouspensky is to be believed, it is impossible to live in a world were the masses pursues the awakening to this reality. If it were the case that we truly decide what happens in our life, problems would not exist. I suggest you try to get a realization that all your problems in life is due to nothing more than your mechanical nature. And in order to get rid of your mechanical nature, you need to learn, understand, and take advantage of your mechanical nature. . . as a mechanical being, quite paradoxical isn't it?

Love