I Feel That I'm Lost. My Age's 40+.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@MaxWare1997

I just simply didn't know the existence of the word "enlightenment" when I was 19.  You know what? . . YouTube didn't exist when I was 19.  Now it's so easy to access knowledge!  Just Google and will hit person like Leo.  YouTube, Google . . are luxury . .   Retrospectively, I wanted a big help when I was teenager . . but it's good that I got the help 20+ years later.  

However, if I had YouTube, Google, etc.. 20 years ago, I might stay in my country.  I might try to get enlightened there.  I might not leave my original country all by myself and come to the United States.  Oh well.  I don't know.  But one thing for sure that it was Darn good decision to leave  my original country.  I was very brave then!  I have 2 countries in me.  2 languages in me.  2 culture in me.  I feel rich inside.  

 

On 2/13/2016 at 4:25 PM, MaxWare1997 said:

in order to get rid of your mechanical nature, you need to learn, understand, and take advantage of your mechanical nature. . . as a mechanical being, quite paradoxical isn't it?

Yup.  Paradox in nature, I guess.     Thank you for taking time writing your reply!  

[Extreme Z7]

@OceanJjb Oh yeah, I often don't reflect on how different my life growing up is compared to older people when it comes to how much easier technology has made communication and access to learning. I often don't think about how older people like you and my parents didn't have access to the knowledge we have now. I mean I literally discovered Leo's work by just typing "What is Happiness?" on YouTube search because I was having an existential panic at 18. It's THAT easy now to get what you need. It's almost kinda funny when I look back at it, almost.

Personally, what I find very amazing (or insulting) are people who use the internet for garbage. My retired dad, for example, uses his PC to download and watch music videos all day long, that's all he does. My mom watches nothing but cable TV when she's not tending to the house. The people I meet at the college I go to use their laptops for all sorts of low consciousness garbage. I can't even begin to describe how much I know how much their wasting in today's technological age. But as I said in my last reply, they don't choose to be that way, no one does. We are all machines who have to no choice but to obey to nature. We are here right now because this is what nature, or dare I say God, intended. Something we just have to accept about reality.

Lve and have a nice day

[curiousyill]

@OceanJjb  Thanks man I hope it helps, I can tell you about the time I got swallowed up in depression; but that's all behind me. And I know "growing down" won't solve the issues, but it helps me at least realize the illusion of adulthood is sometimes forced on us. And thanks for the pic comment, my story behind that is it came from my final photography project last sememster. It's a pixel stretching technique (others do it better, but mine was fun regardless). I put it up here on Actualized to kinda say to myself: Time to shed off the past, and fight for the future.

[Kelley White]

On 2/13/2016 at 4:09 PM, OceanJjb said:

Hi Kelley, nice to meet you too.    Good to know that you were a CNA.  It was Darn Hard job, right?  I used to be a CNA/CHHA.  Since then, I experienced hospice, psych-dementia, long term, home care...  Pretty much all 'old people's place.'  The very 1st reason why I chose to work at hospice was . . I knew I would experience my partner's death.  I understand that 'accident' can happen and he may die sooner, or I may die sooner, but it's just accident.     

My partner is not ill at this moment but taking 2 kinds of blood pressure pills.  Since I've been in medical field, I can sort of expect the course.  His BMI is around 30, kinda fat.  His blood-relatives got pretty much 'average' life expectancy.  

After 60, 65, 70, everybody start declining.  Nobody can escape from declining, right?  His knees and shoulders are not same as before -- of course.  I think, in my early 40s (now), I see his sign of decline and expect the 'course' from my enormous experience taking care of old people . . . The decline will continue slowly for 10, 20, or 30 years.  

After that, I still got to continue living?  At this moment, I don't have energy to end my life.  I wish I can choose when to end my life.  

I knew that this depressing moment were coming, when I married him 15 years ago.  I thought that working for old declining people would help me prepare for when I got to face my partner started declining.  

What I didn't think when I married was, I will be Totally alone when I die.  No kids, no relatives.  When I started declining physically.. mentally.. No kids/no relatives to.. change light bulbs, pay bills, etc.., etc..  Then I need to be in retirement home or that kind of institution, but it ain't cheap At All.  I can't afford it, so I will probably die screwing up many things.  

Knowing so much of old people's life is back-firing me.  

Normally this kind of concern is for your mom's age people.  But for me, marring to a person who's my parents' age, and knowing So Many of old people's decline . . make me feel Really Real.  

When I see old couples . . Knowing I'll not age together with my partner like the old couples, I become sad.  Now I don't feel that depressed cuz I'm taking anti-depressant, so my mood don't bottom out.  I used to cry like hell before.  

 . . . I hope I answered your reply.  

Re: "Women Who Run with the Wolves" -- Since my English is 2nd language, I prefer audiobook.  Searched and found one in library (now I'm at a library), so downloading . . and it stopped.  I guess it got some kinda protection.  Shoot.  Now I go another library to borrow the book.  Sounds interesting book! per Amazon reviews.  Thank you for recommending the book.    I will try whatever to help me at this moment.  

Yes I sense that I entered another life cycle.  The cycle supposed to come 20 or 30 years later for normal/average people.  In this early 40s, with no kids, no family, no relatives, in 2nd country, and I'm introvert . . the anxiety/depression/fear is hitting me Bad.  

Re: "Its the only answer I can arrive at that is 100% true..."  "is Love" -- That's right.  I agree.  And .. I wonder if Love is missing in me?  When I grew up, while I was bullied (verbally) by father, none of my family helped me.  I sense that love is missing in me.  I need to learn "love" too.  

re: "faith" -- I think I can say that I'm kinda Buddhist.  I can be athiest too tho.  There's one more.. kinda religion.. I was born with, but I cannot write here cuz it will narrow down to one country.  I think I can say that another one is based on 'nature,' kind of like Native American one, like "Gods/spirits exist in everywhere in nature."  

re: "hormone" <-- Thank you for this advice!  I will ask my MD to order hormone check next time when I see her.  Since I don't have my uterus (taken out a couple years ago), I can't tell observing monthly period cuz I got no period no more.  

And I saved Leo's "Contemplating Your Own Death - To Stay Motivated For Life" in my 'Watch Later' list.  I got to go to another library now..  

Kelly, I thank you for your thought, replying me, sharing your experience and your recommendations.  At this moment, I feel very calm.  Actually I regretted posting this thread a couple times but now I think it was very good decision! to expose my insecurity.  

Also I thank all the people who's reading this my looong writing, tolerating my 2nd-language English.  

Peace

Good Morning @OceanJjb, I think you are doing quite well with your English.   I'm also thankful you asked the question, I struggle with many of the same fears.   Thank you for being courageous, transparent, and authentic.  Those are  such beautiful and rare qualities.

Yes, doing CNA work is both challenging and very rewarding.   My observation is Western culture tends to sanitize the aging and death process, an out of sight out of mind denial that makes the isolation of the fear of dying worse.  Who do you talk to about such a morbid topic with authenticity?  That can be very challenging, people are uncertain of what to say. 

I have assumed for awhile I would die old and alone.  CNA work, law enforcement, it all challenged my views of death and dying.   It still does. 

I am happy that you found some of the suggestions useful.  I found The crone  is relevant to grieving and the grieving process, that awareness of our own mortality, the temporality of it all.   The retreat into the hermit phase of our own internal wise woman, the wild woman who can rekindle passion.  Sometimes we can lose our inner dreamer, and to awaken her takes time and quiet reflection and all the stages of grief. 

I am so glad that as an introvert you are here.  Thank you for trusting us enough to share your story and your fears with us.  That is really courageous.

The hormone thing could most assuredly be impacting you so I am very happy it was helpful.  I missed in my reading the first time your age.  I apologize for my misunderstanding, I'm am happy however it worked out  well and proved relevant. 

I am happy sharing here and the thoughts and options of everyone were able to help you come to a calmer space.

Its so nice to meet you and thank you again for sharing this it  really was helpful for me as well.

[Michele339]

@OceanJjb Hello OceanJjb, how are you feeling today? I was thinking of you the other day. 

When you husband will have passed away, your life doesn’t need to be empty. It is just a perception. You have already started organizing your life (maybe) without you realizing. By joining this forum you already left your solitude, and by doing so, you met people who really care about you.

Big hug! 

[Draconis Chaser]

@OceanJjb

Dear, I may not be able to help you a lot, but I feel like I have to at least give it a shot.

Now, I am 20-ish, and this may very well be the result of my inexperience, but, I'll let you be the judge of that.

So, for the most of my life, I felt insufficient, pressured into competing, pressured into leaving my country and going abroad, pressured into doing all sorts of things and the worst part was that I put all the pressure upon myself. And when I realized that was stupid, I was left with a "what now" sitation. Now I have no life purpose, can afford no job and hence depend on others (which I hate), no significant other (sometimes I am afraid that I will be alone forever and will die alone), I have panic attacs when it hits me that my parents are not going to live forever, all that beautiful stuff.

And because I had been feeling awful for quite some time, I have tried almost everything short from taking meds, and NOTHING worked. Probably because I was too stubborn to give into therapy and techniques.

You see, I always thought that affirmations are pretty, but useless, that post-it notes and reminders to smile are stupid, that promises of rewards are ineffective, that practicing gratitude is for delusional people (how could I ever be grateful for my life falling apart?!) and, of course, had no results whatsoever, and spiraled downwards even worse.

I still hold some of those believes, even though they are proving to work for others. Not on the smartest side, to be honest...
Anyways, I wrote all that so that hopefully you don't think I'm full of it, and have no idea what I am talking about...

What I found, when I was at my most lowest state ever, crying and shaking at my living room floor, wanting not to exist anymore, is that nothing was ever going to change, if I don't change first.

But how could I?

Well. Turns out, that I tend to be very protective of helpless, tortured, weak beings, and I realised that somewhere deep inside of me, asleap and frozen, lie my "inner child", the sead of the Oak that is me (if that makes any sense). All that I can be, all the potential that I carry within, is that oak. And it is merely a sead, dormant, because it had nothing to grow on.

And then and there, I decided that my absolute first priority had to be that weak little thing. I had to grow it and nurture it, help it sprout. I had to give it love first and formost, and that ment I had to give some love to myself as well. 

I would suggest that you try to find your own inner seed. Give it water, food, love! Make it warm. Allow it to grow. Allow it to burst out of its shell. It is most likely afraid to show itself with all the worrying and stress that you feel now, and also with all the negative conditioning that you went through previously. Call it out. It will come to you on its own, no forcing whatsoever.

I think that, in time, things will get better. As your seedling grows, you will feel better, and will have clearer picture of what needs to be done. 

I'm sorry for a humongous post, I really wanted to help, even if just a little bit...

I wish all the best to you, and that you find happiness that you so deserve!

<3  

[Kelley White]

15 hours ago, Draconis Chaser said:

I would suggest that you try to find your own inner seed. Give it water, food, love! Make it warm. Allow it to grow. Allow it to burst out of its shell. It is most likely afraid to show itself with all the worrying and stress that you feel now, and also with all the negative conditioning that you went through previously. Call it out. It will come to you on its own, no forcing whatsoever.

Hi @Draconis Chaser, Love this.  Gold. 

[Draconis Chaser]

@Kelley White Awwww

Thank you so much!  

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Draconis Chaser  I thank you for describing yourself. Gosh you've gone through difficult time . . .

18 hours ago, Draconis Chaser said:

You see, I always thought that affirmations are pretty, but useless, that post-it notes and reminders to smile are stupid, that promises of rewards are ineffective, that practicing gratitude is for delusional people (how could I ever be grateful for my life falling apart?!) and, of course, had no results whatsoever, and spiraled downwards even worse.

I went through exact same . . . what a sympathy . . . 

18 hours ago, Draconis Chaser said:

Well. Turns out, that I tend to be very protective of helpless, tortured, weak beings, and I realised that somewhere deep inside of me, asleap and frozen, lie my "inner child", the sead of the Oak that is me (if that makes any sense). All that I can be, all the potential that I carry within, is that oak. And it is merely a sead, dormant, because it had nothing to grow on.

And then and there, I decided that my absolute first priority had to be that weak little thing. I had to grow it and nurture it, help it sprout. I had to give it love first and formost, and that ment I had to give some love to myself as well. 

I would suggest that you try to find your own inner seed. Give it water, food, love! Make it warm. Allow it to grow. Allow it to burst out of its shell. It is most likely afraid to show itself with all the worrying and stress that you feel now, and also with all the negative conditioning that you went through previously. Call it out. It will come to you on its own, no forcing whatsoever.

I think that, in time, things will get better. As your seedling grows, you will feel better, and will have clearer picture of what needs to be done. 

Thank you!  Thank you!  Your analogy is beautiful . . .  I need to find my inner seed.  In easier word, the inner seed may be 'love' I think . . .  Yes I need to throw my negative conditioning away.  Seriously I got to.  

I thank you for taking time to write your comment.  Really mean it.  Let's nurture our inner seeds, a little by little.  

[Draconis Chaser]

@OceanJjb

I am SO SO SO happy that this rant of mine helped!

I kind of sensed that we were in the same boat as far as those techniques went, and wanted to share what has worked, just in case I was right. And it turned out for the best.  

I really do wish you all the best, and all the happiness in the world!
Nobody deserves to feel alone, depressed and desperate.

I know what a struggle that is, especially when you spend most of your life in a nasty place like that, and if I can help someone overcome this horrible state of mind, I will most gladly do so!

If you feel like talking, or just feel like you need a bit more love in your life, please don't hesitate to send me a message. I would be honored to try and help.

Take care, and all the best to you! <3

    

  

[kwax]

[Natasha]

Hi @OceanJjb,

I moved to the U.S. 20 years ago, am in my 40s now, and my husband passed away 4 years ago. I am raising a child, though, who is now 17. The same year I lost my husband, I was diagnosed with cancer (I'm fine now, got it in the early stage). 

Staying rooted in reality is what has always kept me going. Dig deep within to find your true nature. What you'll find is that you are not the 'me' story you've been identifying with. Actualized.org and this forum are the right place to be as you learn and grow spiritually. Sounds like you're well on your way to a life changing breakthrough   

[Santhiphap]

@SmartFixer_OceanJjb  Hi there 

I just want to share one practice that has been proven to be the most powerful and helpful practice for me: Meditation.

If you dont do it yet, I urge you to try it, as I feel you are in a state of confusion which makes it very hard to work with yourself and figure out the things you need to feeling better. 

This Guided Meditation for Self Acceptance has been helping me calming myself every day, mornings and evenings, since a couple of weeks, and I can feel the benefits throughout the day. Its like its charging my battery of love which is being drained throughout the day. 

I believe that self acceptance, self directed love and trust can be the first and most powerful aid for many people.

After a couple of days, the guided mediation gets a little bit boring from time to time so I use this Singing Bowls - F# Heart Shakra (which is the same audio without voice) to calm my nerves and to meditate in the way I want.

Sometimes I listen to these Clear Water Waves to fall asleep or while I read.

Hope this helps!

Much love! 

Edit: Just realized this topic has been quiet a while. How are you doing on your "journey"?

Edited August 15, 2016 by Santhiphap

[Xpansion]

Have you watched Leo's video on depression? And the also the stop being a vicitm ones? They really really struck a chord with me and  touched me very deeply. In fact it was a the boot up the arse I needed.  Just listening to him speak of these issues has made something change inside me. What you're saying reminds me of myself. This is kind of how I have been seeing myself also.   Through a negative filter. You don't realise you are doing it. But you are. You don't need to anymore. It's time to awaken. Start to see yourself as you truly are and life as it truly is. You are not this story you are telling yourself. You are so much more. Find out how to live a meaningful life with purpose. You can do it. I know you can. If I can, you can. If Leo can we all can. 

Edited October 8, 2016 by Xpansion