I Feel That I'm Lost. My Age's 40+.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I live in the United States for almost 20 years but No I'm not American.  I'm 40+.  Married to an older person.  No I didn't marry a rich person.  If I don't work, I will suffer all by myself when I retired.  No kids.  I'm not showing here where I'm originally from cuz I tend to get prejudice when I say it -- from my experience.  Also I have self-confidence issue due to my upbringing, verbal abuse from my father <-- that's what my counselor told me.  I sort of 'escaped' from my family -- to an ocean away (US) all by myself.  My only family is pretty much my partner, who is older than me.  Oh I got issues . . . That's why I need to be self-actualized / enlightened.  

As I wrote, I'm not young like most of the people here.  I'm 40+.  I'm desperately looking for where I can fit in.  I hope this forum accept me.  

Lately I quitted my job.  This is my first time in my life that I'm not working nor going to school.  I've been depressed a while.  A month ago, Real Bad depression hit.  I started small dose of anti-depressant.  Since then, my mood never bottom down.  

As recommended by my counselor, I started reading some books: David Richo's "The Five Things We Cannot Change" and Barry Long's "Knowing Yourself."  Some parts of the books soothed me.  But I'm not a book-reader, so I'm kinda tired of reading now.  Started yoga.  

I know I got to look for a job.  But now, I'm like, "What for?"  I lost motivation to go on.  If I don't work and earn money now, I'll regret later when I retired.  <-- Logically I know that, but I just can't motivate myself to go on.  People will say, "Something good will happen later so you got to go on!"  I want to know what kind of "good thing" will happen?  

Reading those books, I noticed that 'something' changed in me.  I lost 'material desire' and I became more careless for how other people think of me.  I wear pretty much same kinda clothes and I don't put make up lately.  

I'm an introvert.  After quitting job, I rarely talk to anybody.  The reason why I'm writing this is that I want somebody to kick my ass.  Motivate me in whatever way . . but for what??  <-- This is my problem.  

It took 1 day to write this post for me.  Gosh I'm so timid. 

Thank you for your time reading my long sloppy English.

 

[TheFrown]

Hello,

Thanks for sharing! 

You need not fear prejudice from this forum. Everyone here is just looking to share and learn.

It's very good that you have already taken steps to combat your depression by seeking out a professional to talk and trying new activities!

Also it's never to late to work on yourself

Motivation can come from anywhere. Just keep on moveing and you might just find your groove!

Edited February 9, 2016 by TheFrown

[Ayla]

@OceanJjb ,

I will be 40 in 2 months  I do not feel old at all. Actually, I feel great! 

I have been where you are, in that state. I have spent 8 months in my room - sometimes under my bed due to panic attacks. 

I also have a Psychology degree and some hands-on experience with self development. 

I am telling you all this because I need you to trust me just enough so that you see the validity of what I am about to offer you. 

From where you stand right now, you cannot see how beautiful life is. That is perfectly OK. What I would advise you to do is stop doing whatever anyone else is telling you. Can't read? OK. Can't dress up? OK. 

Trust where you are right now. Only think of TODAY. If you can do that, plan your day only with activities that are pleasurable to you. If one day is too overwhelming, start with one hour or with 10 minutes. Ask yourself: What is it that would make me happy right now? 

No judgement. No pressure on yourself. No thinking of pension, problems, partner, family.. Just do something - anything that you enjoy. 

 

[abrakamowse]

I am 47 if that makes you feel better hehehe...

[Argue]

Hi. 

I want to help you. I don't like to see people suffer. 

First, I would suggest to stop putting yourself down so much. Stop talking about yourself negatively. 

You're conditioning yourself to be a failure. Instead, do the opposite. Look in the mirror and be grateful for your beautiful smile. 

I suggest you take a piece of paper right now and write down 10 things you're grateful for. Then, read it every morning and every night. After that, reward yourself with a piece of your favorite candy. Get in this habit and change your neuro pathways in your brain. 

Second, dress up and put on make up. Make yourself feel beautiful. Clean up your house and get rid of any clutter. Clutter brings in negativity. 

Third, if you weren't happy at you job then that's fine. Your body needs a break. Don't worry too much about money. Take this time to look at things in a different perspective. Maybe you can go back to school. It's never too late. 

Lastly, you need to change your vocabulary. Stop limiting yourself with negative  words. Again, this goes back to reminding yourself of how grateful you are. 

One more thing, stop trying to fit in and getting the approval of others. Worry about yourself and your happiness! ah, one more thing, promise. If you're not a reader, try audiobooks. And just listen to a chapter everyday. Then pick your favorite quote that gives you exitment and joy and affirm it everyday! 

If if you take these baby steps, things will start to change. But it's up to you to choose to linger in pain or create pleasure. 

Edited February 9, 2016 by Argue

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@TheFrown   You are right --> I got to keep on moving.  Sometimes even sunshine is too much for me.  but you are right.  I got to keep on moving.  Thanks for your reminder!

[Saarah]

15 minutes ago, OceanJjb said:

@TheFrown   You are right --> I got to keep on moving.  Sometimes even sunshine is too much for me.  but you are right.  I got to keep on moving.  Thanks for your reminder!

You have to find ways to enjoy your life now, not just thinking of the future and saving it for retirement, the future doesn't exist yet, but obviously make wise decisions that'll help you as you go on in life

You should genuinely feel like you can go on, not just saying you must go on, because life isn't a must

and remember it isn't an end goal, it's a process, so you've got to enjoy the process, there's some great advice above like being grateful and I also think the themes you need to look into are happiness stuff, because it seems you're not quite satisfied at the minute

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Ayla  When I was just 40, I was fine, busy working.  You got panic attack . . . That's hard.  

Thanks for sharing your background.  Yes I trust you.  

I got to be mindful -- Need to be present.  I understand.  

But my husband will die sooner than me.  Due to my job (I'm not going to specify here), I know how people decline.  I just saw too many.  It's a loooong exhausting process for care-giver.  I have no kids, no family.  I'm introvert.  

Expecting the days that I got to take care of husband . . expecting that I'll be dying by myself . . Those days are coming for sure.  

Just expecting those gloomy days don't get me any solution.  But if I don't think about it and if those days came suddenly, I'll be depressed Real bad.  

So I guess, now, I'm training my psyche for coming gloomy days.  And get depressed.  Sounds pretty stupid of me.  

So, at least, I better save some money.  Then, I should get a job.  But the motivation is very weak: I need to get a job to prepare for coming gloomy days.  

I need to be happy at this moment. <-- I understand logically, but psychologically? spiritually? I can't get the stage yet.  

I need some reset button in my psyche.  

Sorry for my another long sloppy English.  Again, thank you for your comment.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@abrakamowse  I thank you for trying to make me feel better.   You must be a nice person.   However . . I don't know . . anyway we are waaay older than most of people here.  I accept the fact as-is.  muhahahaha.  

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Argue  You are right --> I got to stop negative self-talk.  I understand it logically, but psychologically I'm somewhat conditioned to it due to my upbringing -- I'd been depressed growing up.  That's why the character will come with me all the way to my death.  That's what I understood talking to my counselor.  

So I Reeeally try to change my psyche.  I need to Really work on it.  I got a journal to write: today's victories, what I learned today, how I loved myself today, how I love/give today, what I was grateful for, etc...  I've been doing it for 2+ weeks and . . I guess I got tired.  oh no . .  

Yup I got audiobook for some of books . . which cost $$.  Thank you for your reminder!  I just keep playing it then.  

I thank you for your effort writing the reply.  Sincerely.  

[abrakamowse]

@OceanJjb  that means we are wiser hehehehe

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

33 minutes ago, Saarah said:

You have to find ways to enjoy your life now, not just thinking of the future and saving it for retirement, the future doesn't exist yet, but obviously make wise decisions that'll help you as you go on in life

You should genuinely feel like you can go on, not just saying you must go on, because life isn't a must

and remember it isn't an end goal, it's a process, so you've got to enjoy the process, there's some great advice above like being grateful and I also think the themes you need to look into are happiness stuff, because it seems you're not quite satisfied at the minute

!!!!!!  "You should genuinely feel like you can go on, not just saying you must go on."  <-- This is Darn Hard for me!!  

The "grateful journal" thing . . I've been doing it for 2+ weeks and . . . I don't know . . . I think I got a little tired of it, but better stick to it.  Yes I will re-start today.  I don't know my "happiness" factor.  I really don't know.  Yes I have a roof when rained.  I got food in fridge.  I got 1st world problem.  

Do you know your "happiness factor"? . . . if you don't mind.  

Thanks for your reply.

[Thugkitty]

Hello, everybody has spurts in their lives when they feel lost and depressed some more than others yes of course. And a lot of times there is past emotional trauma that helps fuel the negitve enigma in our daily lives. There is no easy way to overcome this depression and lostness in life. What I've done in the past and its helped is to me. Is to free write, because when you free right your subconscious begins to speak to you it happens over time and you could say it's a scared language... I believe this is the best type of therapy there is. Give it a try you be surprised!

       -Warm regards Thugkitty 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@abrakamowse  Yup we are wiser, muhahaha  . . . .   Actually nope.  I aint wise.  If I were wise, I would know what's right thing to do and I must  be doing it.  But I don't.  I'm confused & lost with this old age.  Therefore, I'm not wise.  I'm dumb.  I got to start from knowing myself & being brutally honest to myself.  <-- I got this right, I guess.      Thanks for your reply tho.  

[Ayla]

43 minutes ago, OceanJjb said:

@Ayla  When I was just 40, I was fine, busy working.  You got panic attack . . . That's hard.  

Thanks for sharing your background.  Yes I trust you.  

I got to be mindful -- Need to be present.  I understand.  

But my husband will die sooner than me.  Due to my job (I'm not going to specify here), I know how people decline.  I just saw too many.  It's a loooong exhausting process for care-giver.  I have no kids, no family.  I'm introvert.  

Expecting the days that I got to take care of husband . . expecting that I'll be dying by myself . . Those days are coming for sure.  

Just expecting those gloomy days don't get me any solution.  But if I don't think about it and if those days came suddenly, I'll be depressed Real bad.  

So I guess, now, I'm training my psyche for coming gloomy days.  And get depressed.  Sounds pretty stupid of me.  

So, at least, I better save some money.  Then, I should get a job.  But the motivation is very weak: I need to get a job to prepare for coming gloomy days.  

I need to be happy at this moment. <-- I understand logically, but psychologically? spiritually? I can't get the stage yet.  

I need some reset button in my psyche.  

Sorry for my another long sloppy English.  Again, thank you for your comment.

It's not your English that is sloppy, but your stories

Stop telling them to yourself and to others. Just go on one step at a time

 

 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

3 minutes ago, Ayla said:

It's not your English that is sloppy, but your stories

Stop telling them to yourself and to others. Just go on one step at a time

thank you for telling me that my stories are sloppy.  I understood now.  

Another thing is that, this "getting old" stories are not accepted in younger people.  The 'sense' dont quite come real to them, which I understand.  I need to look for some space where I feel comfortable writing my stories and concerns.  

I thank you for your honest comments.  

[Ayla]

Just now, OceanJjb said:

thank you for telling me that my stories are sloppy.  I understood now.  

Another thing is that, this "getting old" stories are not accepted in younger people.  The 'sense' dont quite come real to them, which I understand.  I need to look for some space where I feel comfortable writing my stories and concerns.  

I thank you for your honest comments.  

It's not just your story ... it is ANY story... everyone's.. 

Have you seen Sedona's practice to relieve old patterns? It's free on youtube. 

Juuuust let it go! 

Do you WANT TO let it go? 

CAN YOU let it go? 

WHEN? 

 

[Ann Brown]

I am 61 years old, widowed since April 5, 2014. My husband was younger than me , but he was killed in an auto accident. Just saying.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Ayla  I've been wanting to let it go.  I searched "sedona practice to relieve old patterns" in YouTube but didn't quite hit the right videos.  Could you show me which one?  

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Ann Brown  I thank you for sharing your experience.  That's right; car accident can happen . . . Life . . .