Girlfriends guy friend - really a friend?

[VictorB02]

Hey everyone, so this is something that has been on my mind for a while, I actually forgot about the forum and all the insight you guys have and what you could say about the situation. 

Basically, I've been in 3 committed relationships in the past 6 years of my life. In the first one, I was with my girl for 4 years, and she never had a "guy friend" or "guy best friend" so my reaction to this event was basically hidden, I didn't think about it or even know it was a thing. 

My next girl I was with for 6 months, she was friends with a lot of people, but mostly "guys". She had a very sexual energy and very sexual nature, so the thought of a guy being a legit friend with her and not wanting to fuck was not a possibility in my mind. I fought and resisted her friends so bad, she cut them off, and held it against me the rest of the relationship. Then it ended.

Now I am with a girl for 7 months who does not have strong sexual energy, but is a beautiful female and very calm and cool. Very understanding and intuitive. From the start of our relationship, she has talked to / hung out with / FaceTimed guy friends, and it has triggered me from my past experience. I've generally been very cool about her guy friends, not asking her to drop them, or stop talking to them, etc... but one night in a moment of weakness I asked to go through her phone...

Her messages to one of her "guy best friends" who she has known since 8th grade (she is 18 now) seemed very intimate to me. He was visiting from out of state and her messages read something like

 "come over please"

"please come over"

and he mentioned something about going to college where me and her live, and she replied

"please do it"

and after he left, visiting, she said

"I miss you"

he said 

"I miss you too"

There was also a lot of FaceTimes they had made before him visiting.

When I saw all this, I freaked out - had a total anxiety attack, and my gf reassured me, showed me snapchat videos of them hanging out, and explained how he is just a friend

so now its been about 2 months later. I haven't freaked out since, even one of her other old guy friends came to visit, and she offered to have me meet him, and I gladly accepted (then she never hung with him or had me meet him, which is odd to me) 

And I just want you're insight - is her exchange with this guy friend something I should worry about? Is there anyway to know if this is actually a guy friend? 

Also note: This guy lives in a different state, and to my knowledge only talks to my girlfriends when he is coming to visit.

Also note: my girlfriend says "I miss you" to coworkers (female and male) and her younger brothers friends (basically I've seen her say I miss you to the most random people"

I trust her in general. She hadn't had sex with anyone for a year until she did with me, so I know she's not in a stage where she is actively seeking that. She hasn't had a committed relationship in 2 years until me so she isn't a relationship hopper, and her energy with people is very calm and cool - nothing like my ex's very very sexual energy.

I basically need advice because this same situation with guy friends is very triggering to me and I don't know why its so hard for me to accept that this type of platonic relationship is possible.

I keep trying to remind myself, that if she wanted anyone other than me, she would've been with them before me, because she was single for 2 years.

Anyways, thanks for any comments and help.

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by VictorB02

[meow_meow]

31 minutes ago, VictorB02 said:

And I just want you're insight - is her exchange with this guy friend something I should worry about? Is there anyway to know if this is actually a guy friend? 

Also note: This guy lives in a different state, and to my knowledge only talks to my girlfriends when he is coming to visit.

Is it something you should worry about? Fuck no, like hell no.
From my perspective HE doesn't want to be friends, he just wants to fuck your girl.But SHE most likely has friend-zoned him.

Why would a guy choose a long distance relationship without even getting pussy? Because he's so desperate that he's ready to cope with it, and girls can sense that right away.

Also it's your job to keep guys off from flirting with your girl if you're around. Getting all emotional, mad, freaked out only shows that SHE has affect on your emotions, which is a red flag.
 

Quote

that if she wanted anyone other than me, she would've been with them before me

Females lie, especially when it comes down to previous partner count.

This might sound harsh, but If I was in your place I'd tell her exactly that I do not want to see her hanging out with other guys except ofc if it's a random childhood friend that she just met on the street, some corporate party etc but not on a regular basis.

If she ignores your needs, tell her to get the fuck out and have the power to leave.

Edited November 20, 2020 by meow_meow

[Seraphim]

I feel you got nothing to worry about. And it's a good situation to work on your trust, don't go through her phone or anything like that again, just trust the oneness and let the oneness show you through her that you can trust it! Also use your intuition/feeling instead of being in the mind and obsessing over things like that!

[VictorB02]

@meow_meow thank you for your insight 

@Seraphim thank you! 

[Globalcollective]

@VictorB02 dont read her messages all you have to ask yourself is do you trust her? If not leave her. And give her full trust until otherwise, being secure makes the relationship secure 

[VictorB02]

@Globalcollective Thank you. I love simple advice.

I do trust her. When I know I trust her, all my worries fall away. I know the type of person she is. Thinking about that makes me feel so much better.

[dafels]

Don't trust anything what she says about this situation.

Observe the actual actions she is doing. From what I was reading, I have a feeling that this relationship has steered into the path of ruins already. I think you should trust what your gut says about this relationship.

Edited November 20, 2020 by dafels

[VictorB02]

@dafels Thank you for your input.

[Jacob Morres]

i don't know. what does your intuition say?

Edited November 20, 2020 by Jacob Morres

[aurum]

5 hours ago, VictorB02 said:

And I just want you're insight - is her exchange with this guy friend something I should worry about? Is there anyway to know if this is actually a guy friend? 

This question is not what I would focus on.

5 hours ago, VictorB02 said:

When I saw all this, I freaked out - had a total anxiety attack, and my gf reassured me, showed me snapchat videos of them hanging out, and explained how he is just a friend

This

5 hours ago, VictorB02 said:

I basically need advice because this same situation with guy friends is very triggering to me and I don't know why its so hard for me to accept that this type of platonic relationship is possible.

and this are what you should focus on.

Forget about what she's doing for a moment. You can come back to that.

Why are you so triggered?

What message is this trigger telling you?

You didn't manifest this situation out of a coincidence. You manifested this because you want to heal your shadow.

So what is your shadow in this situation? What is the real fear?

[VictorB02]

@aurum Shadow of not being enough? Shadow of not being chosen?

[aurum]

1 minute ago, VictorB02 said:

@aurum Shadow of not being enough? Shadow of not being chosen?

You tell me.

Let's say you're right and your girlfriend cheats on you with her guy friend. All your suspicions are true.

What would be the worst part about that?

[VictorB02]

@aurum The worst part would be... hmm... let me think for a sec.

I feel like the worst part would be the fact that someone I loved would lie to me and go behind my back, all while they said not to worry about it. 

[VictorB02]

@aurum I think its the fear of being deceived. Of being lied to. I would rather her come out and say, I want him and not you. That I could live with. But the notion of being deceived kills me inside. Of being lied to.

Edited November 21, 2020 by VictorB02

[aurum]

30 minutes ago, VictorB02 said:

@aurum I think its the fear of being deceived. Of being lied to. I would rather her come out and say, I want him and not you. That I could live with. But the notion of being deceived kills me inside. Of being lied to.

That’s really good insight. But it’s not the bottom just yet.

What’s the worst part about being deceived?

[VictorB02]

Damn. I don't know. Can you lend me a helpful insight?

Is it not being aligned with Truth, and thats my deepest desire is to know what's True?

[Shin]

33 minutes ago, VictorB02 said:

Damn. I don't know. Can you lend me a helpful insight?

Is it not being aligned with Truth, and thats my deepest desire is to know what's True?

He wants you to directly feel the reason.

Him telling you what's your problem is not gonna help until you have an insight about it.

You need to feel in your bones what the real issue is.

[VictorB02]

@Shin @aurum

Holy shit. The worst part about being deceived is that you never see it coming. You have no control over whether someone deceives you or not.

No matter how I feel about it, my girlfriend, and everyone else in my life for that matter, are their own person. They are the masters of their lives. I can help if needed, or offer insight. But when it comes to who they choose to be, what friends and people they choose to have in their lives, what they do, and the decisions they make - is ultimately UP TO THEM. I have no control. I can try to control. But that control is the very lack of love. Love is respecting and knowing the Truth of Reality. That in this moment, they are their own person - fully responsible for everything they decide to do. Now this can be scary, but it actually takes the pressure off - because all I have to do is take care of myself - how I act and how I show up. If they were to do something, that I didn’t like, or that I didn’t approve of, or that hurt me, it would be totally and fully their choice. I have no control. I can’t control my girlfriend into not hurting me, or not cheating on me, or not doing this or that. Surrendering to this reality - and there I find power. Because the one who knows he cannot control others, can never be controlled by others.

I feel free.

[Roy]

You need to completely let go and detach from any thoughts about this. The only way it will not eat at your own mind and inevitably the relationship is if you go completely all in with trusting her. Show that you're ice cold about it and don't give a flying fuck if she talks to another guys or has guy friends. If she tries to test you and probe you for insecurity, don't give some big spiel or anything like that. Laugh it off and just say you don't care.

If she does cheat, then guess what? That has absolutely nothing to do with you. SHE is the one that will have betrayed your trust and will have to live with that karma. Make no mistake there will be guys that try to get into her pants, but it's on her if anything happens. If your relationship is great and she is satisfied you have no reason to worry.

It's completely counter-intuitive. By being utterly vulnerable you are actually demonstrating tremendous strength.

[VictorB02]

@Roy Thank you so much! So true. I've realized this a few times and it feels so empowering and freeing when I do. Then I forget haha. 

Thank you