Help! I have never meditated but have almost all the Dark Side of Meditation

[Hal]

I have never meditated even once but I have almost all the things Leo mentioned in this video! Things I'm experiencing:

• Mood swings including severe anger/depression/ hyper judgementalism/hyper crankiness/ burst into laughing randomly / arrogance 
• Heavy waves of feelings of disgust and loneliness, anger about the political or societal situation even though normally I don't care / freak out moments at other people
• Extreme sex drive where I masturbate literally 7 times a day
• Constant bizarre fantasies, disgusting sexual fantasies
• Waking up with thoughts uncontrollably buzzing around my mind like a hornets nest, always having rapid thoughts like the monkey thing
• Suicidal thoughts and being brought to tears and having my head almost in pain from the meaninglessness/suicidal thoughts
• My dreams are absolutely insane but I rarely remember them or block them out
• CONSTANTLY getting old repressed memories of things I regret or are embarrassed about bubbling up to the point where I literally freeze in place from the pressure, constantly remembering things my family did to me as a kid that bother me and feeling anger
• I haven't experienced the uncommon stuff he mentions like paranormal stuff or merging but I have some vague memories like that from when I was very little that I barely remember, so it's unrelated.

I have been like this for years, or even longer and it's getting worse, and I don't know what to do to stop it and get better. Because of all the rash judgements and ideas I can barely focus and am not accomplishing much of anything or being productive and I don't know what to do.

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Hal

[Breakingthewall]

you remind me of me at 18. my diagnosis is that the following happens to you: surely you are a highly sensitive and intelligent guy, but at one point, due to given circumstances, he has completely distanced himself from his true self, trying, perhaps unconsciously, being someone else. The reasons can be several but it is usual it is rejection of parents or social maladjustment. you have created a mental world and you are not aware of what is happening to you. The sexual impulse focused on masturbation is usually due to the inability to open up to real sexual relations (totally impossible for all the above) + addictive behavior to escape the deep hell level discomfort that accompanies you 24 hours a day. congratulations friend, you've hit rock bottom. It can be even worse if you add some drug addiction. The good news is that the phoenix is reborn from those ashes, but it is not easy and there are no magic formulas. you need: a) iron will b) Japanese kamikaze courage (you have it even if you think not, it can be trained, it is very important) c) penetrating intelligence. to begin with I would not fool around and start shock therapy with psylocibes. From what I have tried, they are best suited to unraveling the twisted emotional depths. According to you comment on your state, not that you will discover it will not be beautiful, but you will not go to worse. and if you go what else does it matter! as they say in my language, from lost to the river. Besides, you have to be absolutely autonomous, the good thing about falling so low is that nobody can take you out, only your instinct, there is no guru, no therapist, or anything, only you, so you will come out of this with a huge feeling of autonomy ( if you go out, of course). so courage and improvise

[Michal__]

That's really interesting & unusual. You mentioned masturbating many times a day. Try to cut back a bit, maybe even temporarily nofap (a few weeks, let's say). And then sexual release in moderation.

I could PM you a thing that would help, if you are interested.

Btw if you aren't meditating how about you try meditation? Maybe just 20 minutes of counting the breaths for starters... 

You may be afraid because you heard about the dark side of meditation but why wouldn't you try? My intuition tells me it will only help.

[Breakingthewall]

8 hours ago, Hal said:

CONSTANTLY getting old repressed memories of things I regret or are embarrassed about bubbling up to the point where I literally freeze in place from the pressure, constantly remembering things my family did to me as a kid that bother me and feeling anger

This is especially horrible, what old memories! what fun it was! more or less like being with satan in hell. This is because you have a lot of energy, and you are using it to devour yourself. You are suffering with passion. The good thing is that you have passion. For this I would recommend the extreme: destroy your ego and project your being in particles to infinity (I mean 5 meo, of course) if I had known it before I think it would have saved me a lot of torture. Although now it seems impossible, your energy can be completely released, you can be light as a feather. you can be god, nothing less

Edited November 20, 2020 by Breakingthewall

[Nahm]

Before meditation, do some basic stretches (google it). The point of stretches is to breathe into each muscle as it is stretched, until you feel the muscle ‘give’, or relax, un-tense. This is letting tension go from the body. This is the same tension that is running the mind amuck. The tension is the body’s reaction to perspectives you believe are true and accurate, but they are not. Listen to the body, not the thoughts & perspectives. Choose to. 

Do not eat after 8pm, and clean the diet of sugar, carbonated beverages, and any foods that you notice you feel lethargic & tired after eating. I recommend The loophole shake. It’s vegan, raw, and has all the nutrients, enzymes, etc that doctors and nutritionists recommend. Putting this in the body is like putting premium gasoline in a sports car made for premium gasoline. Don’t ‘think about’ it, experience it. It will change your life from the most fundamental level on up, because the body & brain are made of food. You are literally creating a healthier you in doing this. Choosing well being = choosing your true nature, your source, which is the exact same as saying bringing an end to suffering. Start with the foundation so you aren’t spending years at the surface level carousel of thinking. 

Meditate every morning, before engaging with screens or people. 

In meditation, let all thoughts go. That is a tricky statement for the duality of thought, because thought already appears & disappears. Thought can neither be directly stoped nor let go. Thought is indirectly let go but focusing elsewhere. The remaining choice in regard to what awareness is directly aware of, are perception and feeling. So focus on breathing from the stomach, and relaxing (relaxation is feeling muscle ‘let go’. Relaxation is not a thought). Feel  the body relax, over & over, from head to toe. Meditation is time just for you, for your well being. Time for letting go, relaxing. There’s nothing to fix or accomplish in meditation. There is nothing to be gained by you in meditation. The thought that there is, is indirectly let go. There is nothing to fear, or be concerned about in meditation. The thought that there is, is indirectly let go. 

Meditate again in the afternoon. 

Five minutes, twice a day. That’s all. If & when you want to, sit longer in meditation. That you choose to, that you choose to spend ten minutes of your day, in the name of your mental health, bodily relaxation, and general well being, is everything. 

What you want is to feel better. You’ve been looking for it, and not finding it. It’s because it is within you, it is what you are made of. It will arise from within you. 

As you choose well being, which is self loving, perspectives naturally change for the better. Again, this is because perspectives arise of a source, and that source is goodness. You can search everywhere for water, or you can take your hand off the hose and see that it was flowing all along. This is letting thoughts go, and good feeling arising. In just thirty days of choosing this well being, perspective will change similar to below....

6 hours ago, Hal said:

• Mood swings including severe anger/depression/ hyper judgementalism/hyper crankiness/ burst into laughing randomly / arrogance 

• Heavy waves of feelings of disgust and loneliness, anger about the political or societal situation even though normally I don't care / freak out moments at other people

These are thoughts, not feeling. In the matrix there is only thought, no feeling, so you believe thoughts are feeling, but they are not. You don’t know you’re in the matrix. You think you’re a person on earth. In self love & well being, you start waking up to the truth of this. That is the only way to know you were asleep in it. In the matrix there is a “you” these thoughts are about. In reality there is not this ‘you’ at all. You are not living in reality, you have never lived in reality. You only believe you have and are. 

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• Extreme sex drive where I masturbate literally 7 times a day

This is avoiding feeling, and trying to supplement it with physical pleasure. You do this because you fear feeling. You must go into feeling to discover you’ve been making up fear. 

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• Constant bizarre fantasies, disgusting sexual fantasies

You’ve been avoiding feeling for a long time. Hand on the hose for years, plants die, weeds take over. Take your hand off the hose, flowers bloom, world is beautiful. 

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• Waking up with thoughts uncontrollably buzzing around my mind like a hornets nest, always having rapid thoughts like the monkey thing

Sleep is perfect peace. When you wake up in the morning, you’re resuming all the false perspectives which suppress feeling. 

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• Suicidal thoughts and being brought to tears and having my head almost in pain from the meaninglessness/suicidal thoughts

Meditation is for relaxation and letting thoughts go. To say meditation is your best friend and savior, would still not do it justice. You’ve thus far chosen not to meditate daily. This choice is not working for you imo. Choose otherwise. Feel the fear come, relax the body and focus on breathing from the stomach, and feel the fear go. The more you do, the more you understand how you’re creating it, what it actually is, and the better you feel, and the less tension & fear there is. Fear is only the resistance to feeling. No more resisting feeling, no more fear. No more fear, and confidence, esteem, creativity, fun and loving are natural & effortless. Don’t expect this to make sense today, don’t expect to understand. Choose to do it. In thirty days you will out remember feeling like you do today. 

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• My dreams are absolutely insane but I rarely remember them or block them out

Write em down and forget em. Later Int he day read what you wrote down - listening to it, rather than avoiding the message. 

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• CONSTANTLY getting old repressed memories of things I regret or are embarrassed about bubbling up to the point where I literally freeze in place from the pressure, constantly remembering things my family did to me as a kid that bother me and feeling anger

Express properly, creatively, emotionally, by writing about how you feel in a feeling journal a few times a day. Get it out of your head and into the room, so you can visually see what is going on. Understanding arises, clarity & peace ensues. 

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• I haven't experienced the uncommon stuff he mentions like paranormal stuff or merging but I have some vague memories like that from when I was very little that I barely remember, so it's unrelated.

You’re experiencing what does not resonate with you. Instead of seeking out more of that which does not resonate with you, focus on what does. 

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I have been like this for years, or even longer and it's getting worse, and I don't know what to do to stop it and get better.

Go to the past now. Notice you can not. You are not in a past, you are here now. Feeling is not in a past. Feeling is here now. When the mind wanders off into the past it doesn’t feel, because feeling is still here now, where you can express, heal, and create the life you actually want. You can not do this in a past. 

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Because of all the rash judgements and ideas I can barely focus and am not accomplishing much of anything or being productive and I don't know what to do.

Yes you do. Don’t be afraid anymore, you are stronger, braver, and more powerful that you have ever imagined. 

[Breakingthewall]

11 minutes ago, Tim Ho said:

That is your real problem

 

it is impossible to meditate while satan hugs you

[The0Self]

Note your mental state on a moment to moment basis, preferably aloud, whenever you remember to or feel like it. Do not be alarmed if it's random stuff like sadness, joy, uncertainty, shame, wonder, boredom, spacing out... seemingly totally opposite or unrelated states all happening right next to each other -- that's what mindfulness actually looks like.

[Breakingthewall]

56 minutes ago, Tim Ho said:

It depends.   If Satan is beautiful girl, meditation can wait 

Haha this is not Satan at all...well it depends, some of them are close

Edited November 20, 2020 by Breakingthewall

[The0Self]

All of those symptoms you described are nothing like the actual dark side of meditation. You might not prefer the dark side of meditation over what you have now, but what you have now is nothing like the dark side of meditation. No relation whatsoever. Meditation will almost certainly alleviate your symptoms. Do enough meditation, and the dark side may manifest -- I wouldn't worry about that though.