Femdom addiction. Why? Please help.

[Fuku]

8 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

 

You know, intellectually, that fantasy is always unrealistic, right?

How is it unrealistic? Most women I've known (which, granted, is not a lot, so please don't hate on me for saying this but that's how I feel with my limited knowledge) are submissive, but as much as I think that's an average, I also believe there are women that truly enjoy being dominant.

 

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It's, to some extent, a disillusion every submissive goes through. (But no worries, I'm not telling you to refrain from attempts on realization.)I'm convinced sexual fantasies are extermelly deep in the subconscious, talking first year of life or even intergenerational and transpersonal patterns. You wouldn't remember, and the experience leading to this preference might be a complex one.

Yeah, I hear that kind of theory about foot fetish originating from the first years, with the example of a mother too busy to give lots of love/attention to a toddler, that would then often be at floor leve, so seeing mostly his/her mother's feet, and...the rest of the reasonning is kind of logical I guess.

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I suggest you do pursue healthy realization. I suggest you negotiate with your partner. Some things, she can do for you, but some of them she can't. I suggest you join the local community and talk to a lot of experienced people (no, you're really not the only one in the world experiencing this). I suggest you realize that elaborate setting where you're locked up in the local dungeon the whole week (or whatever you're dreaming of) at least once. I suggest you go to tantra/"dark eros" seminars together to perhaps experience sexuality in a new way.  I also suggest you negotiate about playing outside of the couple - be it within the community, or even finding a pro dom, if this is what can help you live through some part of your fantasies. (A pro dom will likely hold boundaries even if you fall in love, so consider it.) I suggest doing all of that with your best mindful presence.

We love each other, are honest, and being insecure, she often suggested to me I could see someone else. But I know that would destroy her. I ust know, I can't. But I've seen a few pro dommes before starting to get in relationships. So I've kind of explored it, maybe not long enough.

 

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You must get in touch with the real boundaries of your body and psyche. This will underscore the difference between fantasy and reality
, as well as satiate some of those needs. You may soon find out that real chastity belts are really uncomfortable

I'm not sure this can be qualified as fantasy as I experienced it and loved it...at least the few things I wanted to out of lots more.
 

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I also suggest you shift your attention away from porn. This should help you give fantasy and sex a proper place in your life. It should not be that hard, if you find creative ways to pursue. Porn fades in comparison to reality. 

Well, I wish my brain would understand that. Sex is still a very powerful thing, even on the screen, it feeds something in me and I can't help but coming back to it...even if I truly love real sex.

[Javfly33]

1 hour ago, Fuku said:

... the feeling is stunning, almost if I connect with something greater that makes me abandon myself to...not sure how to explain it.

Yeah, man, It´s called drugs .

Being serious now, as a rare user nowdays of femdom porn, who was occasional not long ago, and quite regular not long ago too (and I also played with findom a bit, but it´s been some time since I didn´t waste money in that) Here´s what I learned in this time which maybe could help you (but don´t make the mistake of believing me, but rather try to verify it on your experience. Also, I am talking from my own experience, yours might be different, but I´ll leave it here in case it resonates with you in any kind):

1 - Femdom porn is a mirror/inner reflection of my feeling of frustration/impotence. When I feel this kind of "believes" about myself are true, femdom feels congruent so I feel like it. When I feel good about myself, loving, knowing who I am, then normal sex feels like the thing to do. I might try for pure habit to use femdom porn, yet it just doesn´t resonate. In the ohter hand I might want to spice things a bit being more dominant, always in the sense of energy, joy, not really believing that "humiliation" is a real thing. 

2 - After all it´s a drug. Playing victim by acting like it´s a deterministic drive you have inside you is just being sneaky. See nobody is stopping you to jerk off. Yet you prefer to go watch porn and then jerk off. That´s because you want to get high off femdom. Is not something "crucial" to you. You need serious healing and self-discovery if you think femdom or a even a kink that is crucial about you. 

3 - Femdom is not a real thing in women. Like, dude, women don´t think that men are THAT important. Why a beatiful women would like to spend their time and energy in YOUR pleasure and fetishes? It´s totally not the case. Women want value from men, not to entertain them and pleasure them just "because". And if they truly want to humiliate and ridicule you, then that´s just because they are sadic. It doesn´t have anything to do with sex. 

Sex is Union! Not differences. 

 

Overall, what your fundamental problem is that you think that this kink tells something about you. As long as you keep believing this thing about you, you obviously will keep seeing femdom porn as something to be avoided or feared, ironically maintaining it appealing and attractive. 

 

Edited November 21, 2020 by Javfly33

[Nahm]

12 hours ago, Fuku said:

Probably not...more free time wouldn't mean better results or more happiness but I'm fine with the time I have and my job I think. I mean, ideally I'd wanna spend my whole time working on music the whole time, but I'm still lucky to have a job  that allows me to do so while earning money.
(even if night job is certainly having an effect on my health and depression...I've always been depressive tho so it's not the cause)

Because I'm late to "the game" (I might wanna chose the road where I only do the art I love spontaneously to share it whatever the size of the audience, but right now I believe the road is learning how to make a living of it and that's a game which I'm not very skilled at. I know my potential and how lucid I am but as for learning seriously I started very late.
 

 

Definitly what I wanna do. I experimented it firt hand with the lockdown, I didn't worked for 3 months or so and it "felt like it". What I wanna do with my days.

 

I might be wrong but I feel like it's actually for me yes. I enjoy it so much I get lost in it. I just have to start even with the intent of tweaking 1 small thing for 2 minutes and I'm still doing music 8 hours later.

 

Nothing noteworthy I believe. I'm just an only son and she does everything she can and always did until I lived alone and even then, she's still offering help to do chores only I should do. When I said overprotective it might've sound like a big word but she's adorable, just anxious and always trying to do things before I can even think about it.

 

I honeslty don't know haha...sorry

 

My fiancee is very understanding and as much as she don't like being separated from me, I think I could do something like a few days? I don't know.

Sorry if I didn't answer everything, it's just that I didn't have answers

I would give this thread a read, spot what you know you don’t want as to how different facets of your life are now, then spot how the bridge is being identified with it. Notice when the mind go’s to ‘it’s just that I’m like that’, or, ‘it’s fine how it is’, when really it’s not fine to you, hence the thread. I think you’ll realize the dissonance is in thinking, and between thought & feeling, and is being compensated for with sexual activity / bodily pleasure, rather than going deeper within to realize the life changes you want. Write what it is you do want, let go of any limiting beliefs as they surface. Slowing down and contemplating more deeply is definitely key. Daily meditation comes to mind, and open mindedness. I’d really consider a solo retreat / trip & busting some general human paradigms. 

[Gesundheit]

15 hours ago, Fuku said:

This might sound creepy but the furthest memory I have related to femdom is me age 8-10 year old or so, playing with other kids the same age at a marriage. We were playing in another room from where the parents were, and I just remember this game where a girl lined boys and tried us as "chairs" to see "which one was more confortable". When my turn came my parents came to get me cause they were going home so I couldn't played the game and that left me frustrated I think.
Again this might sound weir but that's what I remember.

Also...for some reasons I always found sex "disgusting" for a long time (now that I experienced it, pretty  late, I love it, but before, I didn't care and mostly masturbated to femdom almost exclusively. Anything else often was to follow along what other boys/teens liked I think)

Okay, good. But how did it evolve? Can you remember the phases that you've gone through until you've got here? There has to be some missing, yet crucial components.

Also, what exactly is the feeling that you like about it? My theory is that there are two separate issues here. The first is your fetish or let's say sexual energy orientation, and the second is the addiction, which is kinda similar to drug addiction. They are lumped together because of association.

Another question: Are you or have you ever been religious?

Edited November 21, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Someone here]

Just stop watching the garbage. It has the association because it is addiction. 

Edited November 21, 2020 by Someone here