Femdom addiction. Why? Please help.

[Fuku]

I've been happily living in couple for almost 2 years. Soon to be married.

I was consuming less and less femdom porn. Occasionally cause I know despite all my partner is doing for me, she can only go as far in this kind of kink.
But I really, instantly react to mean girls hurting guys physically and emotionally, and I fell into the rabbit hole again.
It's like, when the words or images are right, it puts me in a trance, or rather like a dear i headlight. As much as our sex life is great, the most arousal I've felt lately comes from unspeakable, degrading kind of findom I've seen.
I feel like I'm on the verge or falling somewhere and I don't like it, I know kinks are ok but the way I react to this and it suddenly kicked in that strongly...I don't feel good about this. Like it could destroy my couple and almost my life sometimes, like I just want to be a slave to a brat that doesn't care about anything but humiliating and hurting me.

I want to, if not get rid of this ideally, understanding why I feel this way despite being happy with someone for the first time in those 40 years I've lived.

Most averages places I've asked are always like "it comes from your childhood, or some kind of minor trauma, etc"...but as long as I can remember being aroused sexually, I've always been attracted to women's feet, and later on, everything in the bdsm/femdom realm. But without any kind of mistreatment from my parents or anything (Well, my mom is over protective so maybe I'm doing this to balance something, but still, that doesn't help, I need to find a way out cause I've got things to do with my life and I'm getting my brain fried by findom/femdom more and more these days, instead of working on my projects).

Fuck I hate being run by this. But I truly love it. Like I'm made for this.


Anything helps honestly, I just thought people around here could help me go deeper or see things in another angle.

[Nahm]

@Fuku

What are five activities / interests / categories in your life you just totally love & feel great doing?

[Fuku]

15 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Fuku

What are five activities / interests / categories in your life you just totally love & feel great doing?

Active/creative or anything passive is fine?
Active : making music, making videos, combat sports/martial arts (but I can't do those anymore since this year because of medical reasons so that really hurts me since I don't think I love another type of sports that much....Even if I should try something else when the whole covid situation allows it)
Passive : watching movies, series, anime, listening to a wide range of music and discovering stuff, spending time with pets, debating

Edited November 20, 2020 by Fuku

[Nahm]

@Fuku

Are you working / gainfully employed / financially independent? 

[Fuku]

1 minute ago, Nahm said:

@Fuku

Are you working / gainfully employed / financially independent? 

Yep. Not a work that I respect but it offers the benefit of leaving 80% of my work time to myself to do whatever I want with access to my personal laptop.

[mandyjw]

@Fuku Are you interested in meditation, spirituality, psychology, archetypes at all? 

If not, disregard this. If yes, look into Kali.

https://kashgar.com.au/blogs/gods-goddesses/kali-a-most-misunderstood-goddess

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kali

 

[Nahm]

@Fuku

What is the fundamental reason, your principle, as to why you don’t respect the work?

Are the women guys in the videos actually enjoying sexual degradation, or are they doing it for the money? 

[Preety_India]

Right now I feel like I wanna enjoy all those lemons on your profile picture. 

 

[Fuku]

@mandyjw

Yes...I'm intererested in all of thoses but actually never got past occasional streaks of "basic" meditation.
I always feel like I will dig deeper but this might just be me reassuring myself to keep procrastinating on those subjects.

I will look into your links. Do you feel like Kali is linked in any particular way to my problem(s)? Or do you suggest I'd rather read and then search the answer for myself with this archetype as a prism for personal interpretation? (not sure if clear, englsh is not my first language)
Anyway, I should not even ask and just dig those ressources myself instead of asking for spoonfeeding. Thanks.

 

15 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Fuku

What is the fundamental reason, your principle, as to why you don’t respect the work?

Are the women in the videos actually enjoying sexual degradation, or are they doing it for the money? 

Work : I don't respect this work cause it doesn't serve any purpose that's linked in any way to what I feel like I should be doing with my life (which is easier said than done cause it's "artistic" stuff and it's not a simple path. Making tiny steps on the side to learn and enjoying every bit of it tho.

Videos : it depends. But I tend to like people that genuinely seem to have fun degrading/hurting men. But of course it's also for the money as it's often their "profession". I've met some in real life and it's kind of easy money in a way so, yes, it's often also for money most of the time I suppose.
 

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

Right now I feel like I wanna enjoy all those lemons on your profile picture. 

 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Fuku

[mandyjw]

1 minute ago, Fuku said:

@mandyjw

Yes...I'm intererested in all of thoses but actually never got past occasional streaks of "basic" meditation.
I always feel like I will dig deeper but this might just be me reassuring myself to keep procrastinating on those subjects.

I will look into your links. Do you feel like Kali is linked in any particular way to my problem(s)? Or do you suggest I'd rather read and then search the answer for myself with this archetype as a prism for personal interpretation? (not sure if clear, englsh is not my first language)
Anyway, I should not even ask and just dig those ressources myself instead of asking for spoonfeeding. Thanks.
 

The reason I suggest it is that she is a powerful archetype. What archetypes do is they allow us to look at certain aspects of ourselves, while taking the personal identification out of it. So basically, they promote open mindedness and let us look at things from new angles. They also let us see the light side of something we might see as a flaw or something we are really ashamed of. 

So I really suggest you look into it for yourself. I never would have been open minded enough but had an experience that I realized the roots of which back into my childhood and a history of behavior I tried to repress, and she helped me to understand that side of myself and the big why behind it. Since then, I've encountered a lot of other people both men and women, saying that she was a big part of their journey to understanding themselves. 

I think another reason that she is so powerful is that the feminine has been repressed for so long, it makes sense that it would bubble up with wrath, in the strangest of places. Perhaps your psyche? Our psyches don't have walls, as much as we'd like to believe. Sexual fantasies are often so tied in with spiritual clues and symbolism, one can't be separated from the other. I suspect this problem is less personal than you think. Maybe there's something there you can own and embody in a positive light. Like Nahm suggested, work and creative life is also a fantastic place to look. People often get stuck with sexuality when their creativity has no direction or outlet. Sex/creative energy are intimately linked as well. 

[Fuku]

@mandyjw

I just read the first page and I'm not exactly sure where to go with it, but it was definitly interesting to learn about Kali. On top of looking like it would make pretty epic fictions to watch or read , I actually felt like I was resonating in some way with what was being told here. It also felt pretty...reassuring? Maybe that's just the fact that an archetype guides my thoughts.
I'm not sure I'm smart or analytical enough to interprete all of this tho, but working with archetypes definitly seems like an interesting idea for someone that's as mentally distracted as me. I've also aways had this tendency to not wanna stick to something and not "read the manual" ever since I was a child (even if I'm interested in learning in small bits), so it could be good for me to have this kind of "guide" to work with.
I think I'll browse for some books about Kali/indian mythology and try to see if I can go further with this.
Anyway, thanks. Still not sure how to proceed but this is opening doors, for sure.

As for the link between sexual energy and creativity, I've often heard that an I can kind of get the idea (well I mean, it is obvious in a way), but I feel like this kind of sexual feelings/arousal is different in my case, at least it feels different. Not sure how to explain it.

Anyway, thanks a lot.

EDIT : @Nahm
Oh I see you've corrected "women" to "men" in your previous question. So, to answer that, I'm pretty sure every men doing this is enjoying it (on the moment that is, not that it's actually something they know benefits their life on the long term...even if lots of  people in this kind of kink pride on it as a lifestyle. And I mean..that's ok if you're feeling ok. I'm not.)

[mandyjw]

17 minutes ago, Fuku said:

@mandyjw

I just read the first page and I'm not exactly sure where to go with it, but it was definitly interesting to learn about Kali. On top of looking like it would make pretty epic fictions to watch or read , I actually felt like I was resonating in some way with what was being told here. It also felt pretty...reassuring? Maybe that's just the fact that an archetype guides my thoughts.
I'm not sure I'm smart or analytical enough to interprete all of this tho, but working with archetypes definitly seems like an interesting idea for someone that's as mentally distracted as me. I've also aways had this tendency to not wanna stick to something and not "read the manual" ever since I was a child (even if I'm interested in learning in small bits), so it could be good for me to have this kind of "guide" to work with.
I think I'll browse for some books about Kali/indian mythology and try to see if I can go further with this.
Anyway, thanks. Still not sure how to proceed but this is opening doors, for sure.

As for the link between sexual energy and creativity, I've often heard that an I can kind of get the idea (well I mean, it is obvious in a way), but I feel like this kind of sexual feelings/arousal is different in my case, at least it feels different. Not sure how to explain it.

Awesome, don't try too hard to mentally interpret it, just go easy with it and see what resonates with you. Archetypes kind of widen our focus, and put us in a dream/story state. You know how a story can put you to sleep at night? It kind of works like that, except used intentionally they can give us glimpses into the subconscious, or what we are usually so busy coloring over with our real life stories and blaming ourselves for. Over time connections might be made, but maybe not instantly. Just stay curious. 

[Fuku]

I think I get it, thanks! Even if this doesn't "solve" this problem at least I will have learned some interesting way to proceed today thanks!

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Fuku said:

Work : I don't respect this work cause it doesn't serve any purpose that's linked in any way to what I feel like I should be doing with my life (which is easier said than done cause it's "artistic" stuff and it's not a simple path. Making tiny steps on the side to learn and enjoying every bit of it tho.

Some different ways of looking...

Is the job financially supportive, contributing to or making possible the doing of the five things you shared that you enjoy?  (Paying or contributing to the bills, etc)  If you lost that job today, would those activities change or be impacted in any way? If so, how would they change? (electricity, music & video equipment, food, etc?) 

Does the employment work you do contribute to a product and or service that end users pay for?  As in, are there customers, or people who value it? As in, is the work you are doing in some (any) way valuable to humans, even though you don’t respect it?

Would it be better for you, more impactful, inspiring, worthwhile, if you had 81% of your work time free to work on your music & video editing, marketing, etc?  ? 

 

What makes it ‘on the side’ (when it’s what lights you up, what you love)? Doesn’t that reveal it is most primary & fundamental of your being?  If so, how so?

What prevents you from utilizing that mind of creator-ship to create great feeling perspectives about the “work” you currently do? What can you let go of, from mind, such that the result is natural effortless buoyancy in your living & creating?

Why ‘tiny steps’?  

What does getting information (one step at a time) and having clarity look like in regard to people who’ve already taken the easily done path of artistry & wealth? 

Of what you should be doing with your life and reality, as in what is actual, or, this point you’re currently at in the life, which would you say is ‘more real’? Which would you say ‘feels more actual’? Which feels more like relief? Which is already and or is now becoming, and or can become more attuned with the very nuances you are wanting in it...what is, or what should be?  Also, is what you want what you want, or is it what someone else wants you to do / your thought about what you should  do? As in do you actually enjoy the music and video production, or are you trying to come across a certain way to someone, or others in general? Is it for self image, or do you like / love it, in terms of feeling. Does that feeling feel stoppable, as in, can you find a beginning or end of it? Or is it unstoppable? How does how you feel, impact how much you pour yourself into the production? 

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Videos : it depends. But I tend to like people that genuinely seem to have fun degrading/hurting men. But of course it's also for the money as it's often their "profession". I've met some in real life and it's kind of easy money in a way so, yes, it's often also for money most of the time I suppose.

You mentioned your mom may have been overprotective. Was it more smothering you in love ish, was it limiting upon you in any way? Did it play a preventative role of someone else, or others in general loving you / you loving them / you loving yourself?

How / where / when did mom learn to be overprotective? Was it related to a sudden loss perhaps, or an unexpected life change?

If I had the same thing going on as you, what is the first thing that comes to mind you would tell me, if you loved me and wanted me to feel better?

How soon can you get away from as much of your day to day life familiarity for a few days to rejuvenate and reconnect? 

What is the most cathartic thing / experience you’ve heard of? What stuck out, or caught your ears, so to speak?

[Gesundheit]

@Fuku

Can you track it down back to the moment where it started exactly? How did it start and how did it evolve? Chances are it wasn't extreme at first, but then as soon as it started, you started feeding into it until it got here.

Also, ask yourself this question: if there was no porno for your specific kink, would you still have it? And if that specific porn category suddenly disappeared from existence, how would that affect your life?

Edited November 20, 2020 by Gesundheit

[tsuki]

@Fuku These questions will be direct, but I want you to keep yourself open and not hide behind a persona. If there are any socially unacceptable answers to this that come to mind, I want you to explore them. Write whatever comes to mind, unfiltered.

What are your views on women? What is your relationship with femininity, especially your own feminine side. Are you comfortable expressing your emotions when you are in company. Are you bottling in difficult emotions in (anger, fear, etc) when in company? Are you comfortable with these emotions when you are alone?

What is your relationship with your mother? How deeply have you explored your childhood? Are you aware of unconscious patterns your parents have programmed you with? Do you know of your inner child and do you have a relationship with it?

As children, we are a part of a family dynamic and tend to instinctually fill up empty spots, or niches, that the family needs. We tend to get attention from our parents when we're serving a purpose in the overall dynamic. We need this attention regardless of whether it is loving, or hurtful. These niches then become unconscious patterns that the inner child plays out unbeknownst to you. This can manifest during sex, when you are very open and vulnerable.

I would look for the reason why you have these fantasies in the roles you were serving as a child. You may have experienced your mother's overprotectiveness as hurt. You may have been women's protector and witnessed their hurt. The reasons are very circumstantial and deeply important to you, but forgotten for some reason. 

I would not underplay the significance of the fact that the conscious part of you fears this impulse to be dominated. I have experienced a similar feelings with respect to my own fetishes about dominating women. I was expressing anger at my family for never loving me in the way that I needed and making me into a source of problems to "fix". This is all obvious looking, but to actually experience your own depth for yourself and have these emotions come up is a complete mindfuck. I literally misconstrued in my mind what love is so that I would believe that my parents loved me and that I had a happy childhood. TONS of problems in my adult life originated from this false belief. This is how much we need our parents as children and if we don't take conscious ownership of our vulnerable selves, they will keep reminding us.

I would also recommend reading Alice Miller's "Drama of the gifted child". The book is very short but packs a punch so is a good start. See if it touches you deeply, on a personal level. You may be at a loss of words, unable to name what you feel, but crying will feel good. "Homecoming" written by John Bradshaw is a good manual to work with your inner child. You seem to be a creative person so this work may be very natural to you.

Edited November 20, 2020 by tsuki

[Elisabeth]

Submissive fantasies can be indeed quite strong, totally capable of breaking up couples. It sounds though like you have a partner who's willing and able to engage in kink with you, just not to the extent your fantasy longs for. Given the difficulty in finding dominant women, if she is one and the relationship works otherwise, by all means stick to her. 

You know, intellectually, that fantasy is always unrealistic, right? It's, to some extent, a disillusion every submissive goes through. (But no worries, I'm not telling you to refrain from attempts on realization.)

I'm convinced sexual fantasies are extermelly deep in the subconscious, talking first year of life or even intergenerational and transpersonal patterns. You wouldn't remember, and the experience leading to this preference might be a complex one. As you go on in getting to know yourself, they may change as a side-effect ... but no point in thinking this can be done on a forum or even through traditional talk therapy within any reasonable time-frame. My preferences are changing somewhat - though I didn't insist they would - after what, six years of intense discovery journey? 

However, you can absolutely influence what role sex has in your life - just by virtue of what you focus on. 

I suggest several things. 

I suggest you do pursue healthy realization. I suggest you negotiate with your partner. Some things, she can do for you, but some of them she can't. I suggest you join the local community and talk to a lot of experienced people (no, you're really not the only one in the world experiencing this). I suggest you realize that elaborate setting where you're locked up in the local dungeon the whole week (or whatever you're dreaming of) at least once. I suggest you go to tantra/"dark eros" seminars together to perhaps experience sexuality in a new way.  I also suggest you negotiate about playing outside of the couple - be it within the community, or even finding a pro dom, if this is what can help you live through some part of your fantasies. (A pro dom will likely hold boundaries even if you fall in love, so consider it.) I suggest doing all of that with your best mindful presence. 

You must get in touch with the real boundaries of your body and psyche. This will underscore the difference between fantasy and reality, as well as satiate some of those needs. You may soon find out that real chastity belts are really uncomfortable

I also suggest you shift your attention away from porn. This should help you give fantasy and sex a proper place in your life. It should not be that hard, if you find creative ways to pursue. Porn fades in comparison to reality. 

Good luck. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Elisabeth

[Fuku]

21 hours ago, Nahm said:

Some different ways of looking...

Is the job financially supportive, contributing to or making possible the doing of the five things you shared that you enjoy?  (Paying or contributing to the bills, etc)  If you lost that job today, would those activities change or be impacted in any way? If so, how would they change? (electricity, music & video equipment, food, etc?) 

Does the employment work you do contribute to a product and or service that end users pay for?  As in, are there customers, or people who value it? As in, is the work you are doing in some (any) way valuable to humans, even though you don’t respect it?

Would it be better for you, more impactful, inspiring, worthwhile, if you had 81% of your work time free to work on your music & video editing, marketing, etc?  ? 

 

Probably not...more free time wouldn't mean better results or more happiness but I'm fine with the time I have and my job I think. I mean, ideally I'd wanna spend my whole time working on music the whole time, but I'm still lucky to have a job  that allows me to do so while earning money.
(even if night job is certainly having an effect on my health and depression...I've always been depressive tho so it's not the cause)

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Why ‘tiny steps’?

Because I'm late to "the game" (I might wanna chose the road where I only do the art I love spontaneously to share it whatever the size of the audience, but right now I believe the road is learning how to make a living of it and that's a game which I'm not very skilled at. I know my potential and how lucid I am but as for learning seriously I started very late.
 

 

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Of what you should be doing with your life and reality, as in what is actual, or, this point you’re currently at in the life, which would you say is ‘more real’? Which would you say ‘feels more actual’? Which feels more like relief?

Definitly what I wanna do. I experimented it firt hand with the lockdown, I didn't worked for 3 months or so and it "felt like it". What I wanna do with my days.

 

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 Also, is what you want what you want, or is it what someone else wants you to do / your thought about what you should  do? As in do you actually enjoy the music and video production, or are you trying to come across a certain way to someone, or others in general? Is it for self image, or do you like / love it, in terms of feeling. Does that feeling feel stoppable, as in, can you find a beginning or end of it? Or is it unstoppable? How does how you feel, impact how much you pour yourself into the production? 

I might be wrong but I feel like it's actually for me yes. I enjoy it so much I get lost in it. I just have to start even with the intent of tweaking 1 small thing for 2 minutes and I'm still doing music 8 hours later.

 

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You mentioned your mom may have been overprotective. Was it more smothering you in love ish, was it limiting upon you in any way? Did it play a preventative role of someone else, or others in general loving you / you loving them / you loving yourself?

How / where / when did mom learn to be overprotective? Was it related to a sudden loss perhaps, or an unexpected life change?

 

Nothing noteworthy I believe. I'm just an only son and she does everything she can and always did until I lived alone and even then, she's still offering help to do chores only I should do. When I said overprotective it might've sound like a big word but she's adorable, just anxious and always trying to do things before I can even think about it.

 

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If I had the same thing going on as you, what is the first thing that comes to mind you would tell me, if you loved me and wanted me to feel better?

I honeslty don't know haha...sorry

 

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How soon can you get away from as much of your day to day life familiarity for a few days to rejuvenate and reconnect? 

My fiancee is very understanding and as much as she don't like being separated from me, I think I could do something like a few days? I don't know.

Sorry if I didn't answer everything, it's just that I didn't have answers

[Fuku]

9 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

@FukuCan you track it down back to the moment where it started exactly? How did it start and how did it evolve?

This might sound creepy but the furthest memory I have related to femdom is me age 8-10 year old or so, playing with other kids the same age at a marriage. We were playing in another room from where the parents were, and I just remember this game where a girl lined boys and tried us as "chairs" to see "which one was more confortable". When my turn came my parents came to get me cause they were going home so I couldn't played the game and that left me frustrated I think.
Again this might sound weir but that's what I remember.

Also...for some reasons I always found sex "disgusting" for a long time (now that I experienced it, pretty  late, I love it, but before, I didn't care and mostly masturbated to femdom almost exclusively. Anything else often was to follow along what other boys/teens liked I think)
 

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Also, ask yourself this question: if there was no porno for your specific kink, would you still have it?

Pretty sure I would.
 

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And if that specific porn category suddenly disappeared from existence, how would that affect your life?

Good question. I don't think I can say unless I experienced this. On one hand I think I was fine for most of the times I did stop watching porn (few months I'd say?) but at the same time when I stumble upon it and crawl into the rabbit hole again, I feel like this something I absolutely can't dissociate from me, the feeling is stunning, almost if I connect with something greater that makes me abandon myself to...not sure how to explain it.

[Fuku]

9 hours ago, tsuki said:

What are your views on women? What is your relationship with femininity, especially your own feminine side.

I love women, sometimes even feel like I worship them, but this is complex as I know it's not the role I feel most men should adopt if they wanna satisfy most women. I didn't think I could develop purely male traits but I did with time in my couple, even in bed, and I like it.
I also love some aspects of feminity as far as I can perceive, but females also feel alien to me. I learn to know the people disregarding their gender in the end, but I can clearly see difference, some social contructs, some not.
On one hand I just wanna worship women, on the other hand I feel some kind of strong independant side in me and my thin experience of relationship seems to tell me that, despite the true love that's between us, men and women (or any couple) are not meant to live together sometimes. But I might be wrong, really. On any of those questions.

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Are you comfortable expressing your emotions when you are in company. Are you bottling in difficult emotions in (anger, fear, etc) when in company? Are you comfortable with these emotions when you are alone?

Almost 100% confortable expressing my emotions (if you mean when in couple, obviously not on the questions I started the topic with, but I think that's an exception, we talk about everything as far as we can).
I'm someone that's not perceived to be angry, and I'm not most of the time, you really have to push me far or trigger certain thins (hitting on weak/"dumb" people or animals, otherwise, you can say pretty much anything and it's usually pretty hard to trigger me).
As for fear, I have anxiety problems. Most of the time I think it comes from either health (speak about something and I start getting afraid I have it or I jsut imagine symptoms and derail into panic attacks), or time (I will never have enough time to satisfy both my crreative need and the desire to consume an exhaustive list of things I want to watch/read/listen to)

 

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What is your relationship with your mother? How deeply have you explored your childhood? Are you aware of unconscious patterns your parents have programmed you with? Do you know of your inner child and do you have a relationship with it?

I love mother and same goes with her. Also my father. We're extremely different and the 3 of us are clumsy in relationships but we know we love each other and I only feel warmth when I'm not annoyed by their conservative views of the world.
As for patterns it seems obvious that anxiety comes from both of my parents. I don't think anything else is noteworthy.

I never tried working with my inner child. Will look into it even if the concept didn't resonnate with me the few times I heard about it in some spiritual teacher's videos. I feel like this whole child track is "wrong", but where else can I even look at...

 

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As children, we are a part of a family dynamic and tend to instinctually fill up empty spots, or niches, that the family needs. We tend to get attention from our parents when we're serving a purpose in the overall dynamic. We need this attention regardless of whether it is loving, or hurtful. These niches then become unconscious patterns that the inner child plays out unbeknownst to you. This can manifest during sex, when you are very open and vulnerable.

I think I get the idea and I've already heard it before, but I never managed to see how my kinks fit this pattern, sorry...

 

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I would look for the reason why you have these fantasies in the roles you were serving as a child. You may have experienced your mother's overprotectiveness as hurt. You may have been women's protector and witnessed their hurt.

I'm not sure I experienced any of those...


 

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I would not underplay the significance of the fact that the conscious part of you fears this impulse to be dominated. I have experienced a similar feelings with respect to my own fetishes about dominating women. I was expressing anger at my family for never loving me in the way that I needed and making me into a source of problems to "fix". This is all obvious looking, but to actually experience your own depth for yourself and have these emotions come up is a complete mindfuck. I literally misconstrued in my mind what love is so that I would believe that my parents loved me and that I had a happy childhood. TONS of problems in my adult life originated from this false belief. This is how much we need our parents as children and if we don't take conscious ownership of our vulnerable selves, they will keep reminding us.

My brain feels number than ever these days, I'm experiencing a deeper and deeper depression, so I'm having trouble putting the pieces together, but maybe being the opposite of protected and loved coming the form of being hurt and degraded is valid? I'm having trouble actually feeling this idea but that's as far as I can see. I mean, being loved and protected, what kind of fetish does that usually generates in a child?

 

And thanks for the books recommandations. Will take a look.