Quantity matters?

[F A B]

20 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

How does your own partner respond to your thoughts on relationships? 

We've been hanging out for two months now, still, I don't feel confident to bring such a big topic. It's a weak spot for me, I don't want to bring negativity into the conversation. 

27 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Have you talked to her about your special friend? 

Ehmmm next question? Ahahaha

No, I didn't. But anyway I have no intention to cheat on her.

[F A B]

22 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Paradoxically, when I took ownership of these beliefs and presented them as mine, my wife is much more willing to do the same so we can support each other when one of us gets triggered.

I'm sorry, I lost you here. What beliefs exactly?

[tsuki]

Just now, F A B said:

I'm sorry, I lost you here. What beliefs exactly?

The ones that I described in the first post. 

[F A B]

3 minutes ago, tsuki said:

The ones that I described in the first post. 

Ah okay, so when you are recognizing your set of beliefs (that a man should do x,y,z) then your wife is more inclined to support and help you disrupting those same beliefs. 

If I got it right then there is great communication between you two! 

[tsuki]

19 minutes ago, F A B said:

Ah okay, so when you are recognizing your set of beliefs (that a man should do x,y,z) then your wife is more inclined to support and help you disrupting those same beliefs. 

No, that is not what I meant. We were trying to disrupt each other's beliefs for a long time and it's called arguing .
It's pretty easy to see the blind spots of others and pointing them out to them is not all that helpful when unsolicited.

What I meant is that when I recognized my own beliefs and were able to look past them, then I was able to speak about them in a non-defensive way. Showing her that I no longer subscribe to them gave her encouragement to take ownership of her own beliefs. I'm taking care of my beliefs and she is taking care of her own beliefs. That may seem like a completely normal and obvious thing to do until you actually do it.

We support each other when we fail to take ownership of these beliefs and let ourselves be triggered into reactivity. When I'm triggered, it is not like she is able to lead me out of it on her own. It takes my awareness to do so, but pointing out the fact that I'm triggered in a loving way helps me to realize that. For now it is easier for me to point out the fact that she's triggered though. She still has a tendency to shut down when I'm triggered, but I'm getting good at seeing this, so in a way I also get my feedback.

This all sounds like relationships 101, but it's always about the basics.
It's just that basics are very paradoxical and counter-intuitive for the mind to grasp.

Edited November 19, 2020 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

The grass is always greener. I'm in a similar position and in my early 20's I struggled with it a lot. What I really wanted wasn't actually sex with other men, just the validation and fun of being wanted by other men. 

[somegirl]

4 hours ago, F A B said:

A close female friend of mine has been speaking her mind with me about this:

She has a boyfriend. She got engaged with him 4 years ago when she was 18 (now she is 22 like me). Since I know her, she has never expressed a bad word about her boyfriend and, on the contrary, she is basically happy with him (good vibes, communication, sex, etc...).

Now, the problem is the following. He is her first and only boyfriend, so now she is seriously wondering about how would it be to have sexual experiences with different people.

She told me she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend but at the same time, she feels the need to gather more experience in sex while she is still young. She even told me she is thinking of cheating and that she likes me... 

I take it easy, we actually laugh about that revelation, but she already knows I don't want to be involved in such behavior, plus I'm dating someone else at the moment. The thread is not about me anyway. 

So, at the end of the day, I'm curious to know what would you do if you are engaged with a quality person but you feel this lack of quantity.

God, this seems to be the common issue in today's relationships between two young adults. It is tricky. Because on one hand she already found someone she is compatible with, but on another she found him so young that she didn't have time to be on her own or date guys around and just have fun exploring new possibilities. I can see it being a problem. 

As a matter of fact, one of my former girl friends cheated on her more-than-perfect boyfriend because of this. She was 17 when she met him. She's 21 now, like me. They got back together eventually and they claim to be happy together again and he even wants to marry her. But it's not so perfect now, ever since that happened, because her boyfriend recently started bringing that thing up saying "It came back to me, I remember it all again, I cannot forgive you". Then they would have a fight again and then they would come back together. That's what their relationship looks like now. It's a rollercoaster. And it's unhealthy. When he has flashbacks of her cheating, he treats her very poorly. Abuses her verbally too. We all wonder why she puts up with it.

So make your own conclusion out of this. It's an example I have personally had a chance to see.

I would suggest to ask your friend what's her priority? To find a husband to marry, or to experience life and then hope to come back to be with him (which is a big risk because he might not be open to reconnect with her again) or try to find someone who is as amazing as he was?

 

Edited November 19, 2020 by somegirl

[F A B]

4 hours ago, tsuki said:

We were trying to disrupt each other's beliefs for a long time and it's called arguing .

Ahahahaha 

I totally got your point now. Basically, you support each other when you need more support, that as normal as it sounds, it makes a lot of sense. Of course, easier said than done.

4 hours ago, mandyjw said:

What I really wanted wasn't actually sex with other men, just the validation and fun of being wanted by other men. 

This nuance is quite accurate to describe my friend's problem too 

Which ways have you found to cope with that?

4 hours ago, somegirl said:

God, this seems to be the common issue in today's relationships between two young adults. It is tricky. Because on one hand she already found someone she is compatible with, but on another she found him so young that she didn't have time to be on her own or date guys around and just have fun exploring new possibilities.

Yeah, both for men and women. 

I wonder how many people out there have found "the one" at the first shot. It seems a fortune on one side but not so a big deal on the other side ?

4 hours ago, somegirl said:

I would suggest to ask your friend what's her priority?

I've already asked her that, but she cannot reply clearly. She has to dig deeper into it.

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, F A B said:

This nuance is quite accurate to describe my friend's problem too 

Which ways have you found to cope with that?

Going straight for my dreams and creative pursuits in life made the insecurity not come up so much. I had kids which took all my time and energy for a time and simultaneously got deep into spirituality again, (this time outside the walls of Christianity) then got a lot more insight into what was driving those feelings and the misunderstandings of feeling incomplete or needing validation. Realized I'm responsible for making my life fun myself. Realized my nature is to boundlessly love everyone, at heart I'm a Holy Whore, like Mary Magdalene, (that one's a little out there, might need to go on a trip of some kind or other for that one ) and that there was a light core to the dark repressed shadow feelings I was covering over. Realized I'm not evil for wanting to look and feel my best, or if people find me attractive. Realized I'm not failing anyone or lacking when I don't. Realized I'm not actually a mind, a body or a woman, but also I really am. Realized that attraction or desire for something can mean wanting to embody something other than what I think the desire is on its surface level.

Don't repress the feelings and don't take them seriously. Guilt and repression drives them. I'm also fortunate to have some male friends who also have only had one long term partner, and we share a lot of the same traits. Seeing the same thing in them helped me to observe the same psychological patterns playing in my head, and I noticed there were certain strengths and weaknesses to being that way and that it was less personal than I felt. 

[UDT]

10 hours ago, F A B said:

It may be due to familiarity that brings boredom... 

But how do you keep the flame always on? 

I mean, yes you got to be unpredictable and vary positions, locations, etc... But, at some point, you cannot sustain that.

Of course you can. 

Anyway, to the point. This is something she will think about lifelong. Meaning if they get married and he fucks something up, they fight etc., she will always have that in the back of her mind. " I gave this up for you".

So @F A B srsly mate, she should take a 6 month break with the relationship or a year. Im serious. If they love each other they will be back together. And she can have two other dudes and find out that its not so exciting at all, and they are set. 

 

 

[Axiomatic]

Sounds like greed to me. I'd suggest that you encourage her to either cut that shit out, or leave the guy and go for it. Can't have your cake and eat it too!

[Leo Gura]

16 hours ago, F A B said:

It may be due to familiarity that brings boredom... 

But how do you keep the flame always on? 

I mean, yes you got to be unpredictable and vary positions, locations, etc... But, at some point, you cannot sustain that.

Deepen the intimacy.

Once the intimacy gets deep enough, she should never want to leave.

[F A B]

@mandyjw Thank you

On 19/11/2020 at 10:14 PM, UDT said:

Of course you can. 

I hope so. Any suggestion on how?

On 19/11/2020 at 10:14 PM, UDT said:

she should take a 6 month break with the relationship or a year. Im serious. If they love each other they will be back together. And she can have two other dudes and find out that its not so exciting at all, and they are set. 

I'm quite skeptical about "taking a break", but it may be a solution.

@Axiomatic She wants all the cake also with a cherry on top ahaha

Knowing her, she is not going to break up with him. She is not willing to leave the comfortable nest...

18 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Deepen the intimacy.

Do you mean through a psychedelic trip during sex? Ahahah 

[Leo Gura]

7 hours ago, F A B said:

Do you mean through a psychedelic trip during sex? Ahahah

That's one way.

But there are many others.