Quantity matters?

[F A B]

A close female friend of mine has been speaking her mind with me about this:

She has a boyfriend. She got engaged with him 4 years ago when she was 18 (now she is 22 like me). Since I know her, she has never expressed a bad word about her boyfriend and, on the contrary, she is basically happy with him (good vibes, communication, sex, etc...).

Now, the problem is the following. He is her first and only boyfriend, so now she is seriously wondering about how would it be to have sexual experiences with different people.

She told me she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend but at the same time, she feels the need to gather more experience in sex while she is still young. She even told me she is thinking of cheating and that she likes me... 

I take it easy, we actually laugh about that revelation, but she already knows I don't want to be involved in such behavior, plus I'm dating someone else at the moment. The thread is not about me anyway. 

So, at the end of the day, I'm curious to know what would you do if you are engaged with a quality person but you feel this lack of quantity.

[Preety_India]

This is a very tricky situation. 

I'd actually not cheat because that's not fair for the partner. 

But once the relationship ends I would look for casual sexual relationships {not in reality, in reality I don't like casual sex, not my type}, and I will try to experience different forms of relationships. 

Can you do the same? 

 

[F A B]

4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Can you do the same? 

Fortunately, right now I'm quite happy with the number of girls I slept with, so I'm willing to focus on building a quality relationship.

But yes, who knows in the future... I mean, I'm 22. I really struggle to believe I can find "the one" at this age. Because of this belief, I can't really let me fall in love 100% even if the girl I'm currently dating is fucking hot and sweet ahaha

[Preety_India]

@F A B  cool, up to you. 

What do you think of your friend though? Do you feel like she is doing the right thing? 

 

[F A B]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

What do you think of your friend though? Do you feel like she is doing the right thing? 

I didn't encourage her to cheat, but of course, I told her she is free to do whatever she wants. I won't judge her.

She didn't talk about it with anyone except me yet, so I'm actually grateful she chose opening up to me.

As you said, it's a tricky situation. I honestly couldn't give her any piece of advice. I ask her some powerful questions and listened, but I didn't provide any answer.

[tsuki]

31 minutes ago, F A B said:

Now, the problem is the following. He is her first and only boyfriend, so now she is seriously wondering about how would it be to have sexual experiences with different people.

This is basically the biggest struggle that I'm bringing into my relationship.

Before I met my wife, I had sex with just one other woman in a highly unusual situation, so it is by no means normative. When I was young, I used to judge the hell out of myself for being single so it is still a kind of trigger for me when I compare myself with others in this domain. I don't want to end my marriage and I will not resort to cheating, so my only option is to work through this.

Working through this entails understanding the reason why I want to have sex with many women. So far I got that I constructed a belief about what a successful man does and that includes sleeping with many women. I also believe that by having sex with various women, I will get better at having sex. Being good at having sex, delivering pleasure to women without getting to know them, is a big part of the fantasy. This belief is something that I compare myself to and in doing that I create suffering. By reacting to this suffering, trying to escape from it, I create the need to sleep with many women.

The biggest breakthrough for me so far happened right after a mystical experience when I encountered Love. I understood that I constructed these beliefs when I was a teenager in order to pretend that I knew what sex really is. I understood that I have never truly experienced sex in my entire life, that I was always preoccupied with my beliefs and hiding behind a persona. It was pretty shocking to be honest, I never had sex in my life, even though we're doing it every few days. Lots of stuff dropped off when I realized this. The compulsion to ejaculate after penetration is a start, I can now stop having sex and walk off without taking damage to my pride. Generally speaking, I am much more focused on bringing pleasure to my wife and helping her open up. There is more presence involved and it is not contrary to getting lost in pleasure/sensations.

So, my advice to your friend would be to investigate why she really wants to experience sex with many partners. I'm willing to bet that it is really some ancient, forgotten, mental pattern that she mistook for a biological process or curiosity. That, or maybe she's thinking about her relationship differently and it creates these urges for exploration. If that is the case, then she will not be satisfied with another, or 10, partners given that she says and looks like she is enjoying the relationship.

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like he ain't giving her good sex.

Quality matters.

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Generally speaking, I am much more focused on bringing pleasure to my wife and helping her open up.

Awesome. That's a great way of looking at things. You're on the right track 

[tsuki]

8 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Awesome. That's a great way of looking at things. You're on the right track 

Thanks.

I always pretended to know this, showing my concern etc, but this is actually not something that can be done. This happens by itself when I'm free of my delusions and fantasies, coming into the situation with presence. I want more 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, tsuki said:

Thanks.

I always pretended to know this, showing my concern etc, but this is actually not something that can be done. This happens by itself when I'm free of my delusions and fantasies, coming into the situation with presence. I want more 

Hehe.  your wife loves you more than you know. She is a lucky gal. 

 

[tsuki]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

Hehe.  your wife loves you more than you know. She is a lucky gal. 

I've heard that many times from various people in two different languages.
Is it an idiom, or do I communicate this lack of knowledge somehow?

Edited November 19, 2020 by tsuki

[Preety_India]

Just now, tsuki said:

I've heard that many times from various people. Is it an idiom, or do I communicate this somehow?

You're an absolute gentleman. That's how you communicate it and that's why people say it to you. 

You are lucky. Very few men are like you and it's always a pleasure talking to you. 

 

[F A B]

@tsuki I really appreciated your witness! I often wonder how is to be married ?

But despite your thoughts, it seems you really love your wife, right? 

My parents are still together but I never hear one of them saying "I love you". It's quite sad, they take each other for granted...

[F A B]

25 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Sounds like he ain't giving her good sex.

Quality matters.

It may be due to familiarity that brings boredom... 

But how do you keep the flame always on? 

I mean, yes you got to be unpredictable and vary positions, locations, etc... But, at some point, you cannot sustain that.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, F A B said:

I mean, yes you got to be unpredictable and vary positions, locations, etc... But, at some point, you cannot sustain that.

Hahaha. This is classic.  Don't know what to say here. 

Are you advising that everyone should have orgies in relationships? 

When two people love each other passionately, I'm sure there's nothing boring about their sex. 

This is just a limiting belief by investing too much into biology. Lol. Try infusing passion and romance into the relationship. The fire will sustain it. 

 

[tsuki]

29 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

You're an absolute gentleman. That's how you communicate it and that's why people say it to you. 

You are lucky. Very few men are like you and it's always a pleasure talking to you. 

Thank you  
I think that you misunderstood that question, but I learned to let these things go 

24 minutes ago, F A B said:

@tsuki I really appreciated your witness! I often wonder how is to be married ?

One way to find out 

24 minutes ago, F A B said:

But despite your thoughts, it seems you really love your wife, right? 

I do, and there is no "but despite your thoughts...".
Love has a very different ring to it when you're past the romantic phase. It's about listening and openness.
She loves me too and she's well too aware of my struggles. It is difficult for her to not take it personally because she has an opposing fantasy of being so awesome that I will never want another woman ever again. Our inner children used to fight about that a lot.

24 minutes ago, F A B said:

My parents are still together but I never hear one of them saying "I love you". It's quite sad, they take each other for granted...

I've yet to meet one person that is conscious of the impact of their childhood on their adult life that says that their parents were enough. That is why we're here - to learn from their mistakes. Intimate relationships are a very effective way to grow each other.

Edited November 19, 2020 by tsuki

[F A B]

19 minutes ago, tsuki said:

One way to find out 

Yeah, I probably will. I can't also wait to change diapers ?

27 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Love has a very different ring to it when you're past the romantic phase. It's about listening and openness.

Mh, I guess I've never passed that phase ??

31 minutes ago, tsuki said:

It is difficult for her to not take it personally because she has an opposing fantasy of being so awesome that I will never want another woman ever again. Our inner children used to fight about that a lot.

I feel that it must be the most difficult part to deal with.

 

[F A B]

44 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Hahaha. This is classic.  Don't know what to say here. 

I'm too mainstream.

45 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Are you advising that everyone should have orgies in relationships? 

Ahahaha

45 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

When two people love each other passionately, I'm sure there's nothing boring about their sex. 

This is just a limiting belief by investing too much into biology. Lol. Try infusing passion and romance into the relationship. The fire will sustain it. 

Yes, I want to believe this. It is more relieving 

[Preety_India]

6 minutes ago, F A B said:

I'm too mainstream.

Ahahaha

Yes, I want to believe this. It is more relieving 

How does your own partner respond to your thoughts on relationships? 

Have you talked to her about your special friend? 

 

[tsuki]

15 minutes ago, F A B said:

I feel that it must be the most difficult part to deal with.

It got a lot easier when I'm clearly seeing what I used to believe. Thanks to this what I say is aligned with how I behave.
Paradoxically, when I took ownership of these beliefs and presented them as mine, my wife is much more willing to do the same so we can support each other when one of us gets triggered. It's usually a mess when we're both triggered though, but thankfully it does not happen all that often anymore.