Why am I resisting so much?

[Roy]

I've learned so much about self-actualization, personal development, and how to live a better life essentially for all these years now. I'm measurably in a better place than I used to be, so I'm definitely not static. However I find myself still just rotting in a pit of nihilism, despite knowing better in so many ways. I have all these ideas for what I want with my life, creative projects, hobbies, and other basic self-care things I could be doing that I'm aware would make me feel better. But I STILL don't do them even with my higher self constantly brining it up in day to day life. Literally a voice in my head talking to me, not just a feeling. There is a layer of regret, sadness, and apathy that permeates me at the end of every day knowing I'm not living up to my potential. I act so avoidant and have neglected even basic health things over the years to the point they've caught up to me in ways, maybe this is a subconscious way to punish myself?

I notice I keep falling in and out old addictions too. Every time a few weeks, or even months go by and I notice, "Huh, didn't accomplish much. I can see where I wasted all this time, that sucks." It's me or the "ego" is looking for endless distractions. It's getting what it wants, and I'm not. You know? It's just frustrating as hell. I don't know if I'm ever going to break through? There is a deep fear I guess that even if I do better for a while I might sink back into old ways and the shock of that reality seems so painful it's like, why even bother?

Sorry if none of this makes any sense, I guess I needed to rant. I'm just so exhausted and it feels like I haven't even started really........................ it's like I want my "ego" to lose so badly that I'm not even developing a healthy one, idk.

I just would like to live without so much resistance.

[Byun Sean]

looks like an ego backlash to me.

Take it easy and do something relaxing you enjoy.

It will probably lift within a day or two and you'll see things differently.

[Bogdan]

Continue learning more and more and MORE. Don't ever stop! The part of you that is frustrated is selfish and wants to learn just enough to FINALLY stop learning. Put your love to work and serve others. (others=yourself) You are coming out of the beginner first few years and in order to stabilize and integrate what you've learned you must broaden your perspective even further. One way this is done is through contrast, that is why you are apparently getting in and out of addictions, like waves. Observe even more carefully and patiently! You are not in control, there is only Consciousness.

[Eph75]

Oh my, that turned out longer than intended 

--

@Roy If there was a quick and easy solution to this, that could be sold, someone would get rich, fast.

It's basically about personal authenticity, to show up being and doing what your morality tells you that you want or should be and do.

There's no "perfect" here, all we can do is to acknowledge when we're not being authentic and then work ourselves into greater levels of authenticity. There will always be challenges that are too great, anxiety inducing and off-putting.

There are more or less difficult challenges in life. A lot of things that can't seem to get done are easy, and small, and just a quick decision away. Yet, there is something in-between authentic thought and being authentic that is hard to pin down. That or rather the dynamic between you and that need to change so that you shift towards being authentic more often than not.

Awareness when this happens, of course, is key. But what next?

With awareness comes the awareness of ego actively talking ourselves out of taking such action that makes us authentic.

How do you need to handle that voice in your head, that monkey companion that never seems to shut up or cheer us on into the right direction? That seems to work hard at shifting us towards taking the easier, most effortless route, all the time, to do nothing or waste time on simple distractions such as surfing the web, refreshing social media waiting for something new to show up, playing video-games, watching movies/TV-series and so on.

That thing that needs to change is hard to name. There are a combination of factors that collaborate to help flipping an unnamed switch, that thing. Such factors as intention, strategy and pure will-power all add up to being better at handling those switch-flipping moments when they present themselves.

Notice how intrinsic motivation trumps all, if there is something that carry the label should or must, we have a hard time doing. But if there's something in us, intrinsic motivation, that puts a label want onto something, there's usually no stopping us. So how do we turn should or must into want?

Jedi mind-games.

What could start with trivial things, such simple things as always picking up stuff that is lying around, when you see them, no exceptions. Notice that without incorporating intention and will-power, nothing will happen, and strategy most certainly help to follow-through.

You spot a pair of yesterday's socks on the floor and you just pick them up, that was your intention, and put them in the clothes basket, using will power. Repeating the process will start to feel the satisfaction of becoming "a person that puts dirty clothes where they belong", and you get a wee shot of serotonin every time you do, and, soon enough you will get dopamin levels going when you catch the scent of dirty socks  

From here is till be easier to stack other similar habits on top of that one insignificant action, from socks to all clothes, perhaps to make the bed every morning, no exceptions. Same thing happens again. You start identifying with being a person that "has a tidy bed all day, every day".

Moving on to, e.g. unloading the dishwasher every morning, and putting dirty dishes back in it. You become identified with someone that "keeps a neat kitchen". And from here is becomes really easy to become a "tidy person".

These chores are also in a sense redefined from being things that need to be done, to quests for being authentic, where intrinsic motivation probably is higher than with picking up smelly old socks. It also not longer matter whose socks they are, that's beside the point, and the quest.

Tougher challenges await, but from what changes you've gone through, you have also redefined yourself from "being unauthentic" to "being someone that is becoming increasingly authentic every day", and that switch-flipping unknown thing that resides inside us hold less resistance than it used to.

Perhaps you're still not ready for tackling the big dragons. Just make it about becoming ever more authentic and walk-your-thought. You will become identified with "a person that changes ones life", and when that is our identity, difficult challenges and large thresholds become "more manageable" to approach.

Seems very easy, feels very hard, astoundingly easy to change.

Edited November 20, 2020 by Eph75
Minor spelling corrections

[Roy]

@Eph75 That was a tremendously helpful post. Thank you.

[electroBeam]

So eph75's answer is a great elaborate one.

Thought I'd just chime in with a simple answer for diversity:

Focus on the aspects of your dreams that feel good, and chuck away all the stuff that doesn't.

Focus on feeling, visualising and being the good parts of your dream NOW, rather than visualizing them happening in the future.

If you have to do something that you don't like, but it contributes to you doing things you do like, try to focus on how the stuff you don't like IS helping you, and is your lifeline to doing the things you do like. Visualise loosing that thing you don't like, and visualise how you'll also loose that thing you do like. The visualise that you got that thing you don't like back, and how that lead to getting all the things you do like back. For example you've got a boring job but it gives you money to make music in the afternoon.

If you're not happy with the things you're doing now, set your intention to live and be and have more of what you want, and less of what you don't want. For example, if you want to be making money off music instead of your boring job, while doing your job and work, focus on feeling and visualising making money off music now(multitask). 

[Eph75]

@Roy ??

@electroBeam Two parts of an emerging path that complement each other beautifully ?

Edited November 20, 2020 by Eph75

[Eph75]

On 2020-11-19 at 5:58 AM, Roy said:

Literally a voice in my head talking to me, not just a feeling.

 

On 2020-11-19 at 8:48 AM, Eph75 said:

With awareness comes the awareness of ego actively talking ourselves out of taking such action that makes us authentic.

A comment about this, as I just mentioned the voice briefly.

Awareness of this internal voice and dialog is fundamental. It's a great step towards becoming able to take a step away from "it" - ego and its voice - and observe "it" and what "it" is doing and how "it" affects us.

Actively doing this, and gradually raising the awareness of when, and how "it" is operating through imposing limiting attributes, will allow us to, and to more efficiently so, address those limitations, so that we gradually deconstruct the negative and limiting aspects of our ego.

The resistance you are mentioning, this is just one aspect of the ego that we benefit greatly from working on deconstructing. In a sense, this resistance aspect is quite fundamental as it allows ego to maintain status quo, its main line of defense so-to-speak, i.e. ego protecting itself from deconstruction.

Authenticity is in a sense is our Excalibur, that will guide us through the great inner spiritual conquest against the ego.

Edited November 20, 2020 by Eph75

[Moon]

Are you just learning, learning, learning majority of the time but only putting it into practice a small % of the time? 

The simplest solutions such as meditating and journalling are often the most powerful. 

[Gesundheit]

You're probably wasting your energy by squandering it all over the place. Try a dopamine detox challenge.

[allislove]

On 11/19/2020 at 5:58 AM, Roy said:

Why am I resisting so much?

Due to self-limiting beliefs. This is just your unique path of self-realization.
Relax, be kind to yourself, it's all good now ??