Seeking help for the Dark Night of the Soul

[TheAvatarState]

Hi, Avatar State here. Many of you may remember me because I posted quite a bit here in the past. I took a long break from the forum because I needed it, I saw I was abusing it in sometimes unhealthy ways. I have a clearer perspective now.

However, I am still stuck in what I believe to be a long dark night of the soul. For 3 years now (ever since psychedelic exploration), I am kinda of depressed and have this existential darkness around me. Meaning has been completely deconstructed, and I've had many awakening experiences, yet I feel like my "spark" or love for life has gone away. "Why do anything at all?" I'll ask myself. I see beauty but I don't feel beautiful. I don't think hardly anything of myself because I've deconstructed myself, and it's obviously not healthy to stay there. I don't know how to create meaning again and pursue what's meaningful to me. Or how to be in love with life again. I get glimpses all the time of what reality really is and how incredible it is, but I haven't been able to make any meaningful change in my life. I'm stuck in the void, wondering why I'm even alive. It's such a cruel, but beautiful world full of suffering. Knowing my true nature, it seems like a trivial game that I'm not willing to play. I don't have suicidal thoughts. I want to be here. But it feels so pointless, and honestly quite laughable most of the time. 

 

Have any of you experienced this, and if so, what helped you get out of it? I know that this is a limited perspective. Perhaps self imposed as a survival strategy of some part of my mind. But even knowing that, it feels so real to me. I would do anything to feel whole and free. 

 

Thank you

[Michal__]

Unfortunately, the only way at this point is through. You can't return back. You have to at least get a cessation. 

A meditation retreat would help tremendously.

On the bright side, once you get a cessation your life will become a 10000% better than it is now (by life I mean mental state & consciousness - which will in turn affect the material side of things too). And you will be really happy that you started.

I hope you are meditating at least for 1hr a day.

Maybe find a local 10 day (100h) Vipassana retreat if it's allowed in your country (covid, you know). If lockdown is an issue where you live then do your own retreat.

[ivory]

Sup my dude!

 

In a way meaningless is always lurking there ready to be rediscovered. Nothing lasts and all of life is satisfactory to some degree or another so it's only a matter of time before you get caught in the trap of meaninglessness. That said, we still have needs. We need to be engaged with the world to fend off meaninglessness. You need a reason to wake up in the morning but you have to accept that life will never meet your expectations. Idealism is the biggest illusion of all.

 

There are ways to cope with meaninglessness. Exercise, meditate, eat somewhat healthy, and free yourself of all addictions. It's also important to get some social interaction, isolation isn't healthy. Of course, even though this will all sound meaningless it's crucial that you keep practicing and living a healthy lifestyle.

 

How does match up with your experience?

[TheAvatarState]

@ivory

Yeah I'm starting to meditate and take cold showers first thing in the morning, I think that'll help a lot. This is just my limited perspective pre-judging the world and what fruits (or lack thereof) are out there for me. I call myself out on that... I simply don't know. Life could be what I think it is, despite all evidence... or it could be beyond my wildest dreams. I don't want to be trapped by my mind anymore. I want to find the territory so to speak.

[ivory]

@TheAvatarState

Hey dude. Just to clarify, true dark night occurs when you become deeply aware of the Three Characteristics: Not-self, impermanence (nothing lasts), and unsatisfactoriness (all of life is suffering, unsatisfactory, unpleasant). If you find yourself obsessing over these truths, then you are likely in dark night. The way out is acceptance. You really need to explore these concepts and accept them on a deep level to get through dark night. It's also important to cut out the highs and do what you can to minimize suffering. Equanimity is what you are after.

 

A lot of people claim they are in dark night but are just experiencing depression, and depression can have many causes: low self-esteem (negative self talk), addiction, trauma, low quality of life, isolation, lack of job satisfaction, laziness/complacency, idealism. It is crucial to acknowledge that the apparent individual does in fact have needs and responsibilities. A good therapist can help with this stuff and there's no shame in getting help even if you believe yourself to be an advanced spiritual practitioner. Just don't tell them you don't exist

 

I posit that many spiritual seekers get stuck because some combination of the above. You really need to have a healthy ego to navigate some of the more challenging spiritual terrain.

 

Lastly, make sure you get clear on what's causing your suffering so you know to treat it. Make it a practice to get clear on the thoughts that arise in your mind. You need to make that shit conscious. A noting practice of a free-form of journaling is really helpful here.

[ivory]

Oh and check out some of the work by John Welwood: http://www.johnwelwood.com/articles/TRIC_interview_uncut.pdf

 

See if that resonates

[TheAvatarState]

@ivory thanks for that resource, it's really good!

It's both a dark night and depression. Both reeling at impermanence and no self no thing (and a lot more), and also depressed from life situation etc. I have been getting professional help, and I've been getting better. My therapist also happens to deal with psychedelics, so I got lucky there!