Why am I attracting narcissists?

[diamondpenguin]

@Preety_India As soon as those dudes hit you or treat you harm fully in any way you gotta haul ass outta there and break it up with them. That way it will save you from horsecrap and they will learn their lessons. Oh hey maybe the reason she left was because I treated her like crap. Most young guys like teens and 20ers are some ignorant rough people. It's just the nature. 

[Preety_India]

@Eren Eeager  great advice. Thank you 

@diamondpenguin great advice. Thank you. 

[RendHeaven]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

You're conflating two different things here. 

Being selfless towards someone is one thing.

Having self love is a totally different thing. 

These are two different parameters. 

This is untrue at the deepest layers.

You cannot be Truly Selfless without Self-Love, and you cannot have True Self-Love without being Selfless. They are identical.

The selflessness you speak of is partial 

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Some people are not very good at self love because of past trauma or abuse and they can be very selfless people, they can do selfless acts. 

Also complaining about something is venting out. It's not selfish. If someone is hurt, let them complain. Calling them selfish is like telling a domestic violence victim that they should just shut up and not complain. 

Here I'm not bitching or whining. That can be considered selfish, I understand 

But asking for help and looking for perspectives on why certain patterns exist is called self introspection and opening up to people, that's absolutely nothing selfish about it 

I understand. Good luck!

Edited November 18, 2020 by RendHeaven

[Preety_India]

Just now, RendHeaven said:

This is deeply untrue at the deepest layers.

You cannot be Truly Selfless without Self-Love, and you cannot have True Self-Love without being Selfless. They are identical.

The selflessness you speak of is partial 

I understand. Good luck!

I disagree. I don't see it as identical at all. 

But to each his own! 

[Roy]

Perhaps you have poor self-esteem you haven't identified yet, and gravitate towards narcissists because they have an aura of self-esteem about themselves (even if false). You want what they have so you subconsciously go towards it.

[Preety_India]

8 minutes ago, Roy said:

Perhaps you have poor self-esteem you haven't identified yet, and gravitate towards narcissists because they have an aura of self-esteem about themselves (even if false). You want what they have so you subconsciously go towards it.

I never felt this way. In fact I always felt like it's the narcissist who had poor self esteem and they fed on my self esteem to feel better. 

The attraction had nothing to gain something from them, but rather to give something to them. 

I felt like I was a healing balm and helping them. 

[Ingenting]

Great insight, a huge step in the right direction. But you are not selfless by being emotional/caring towards another.

You want love/appreciation(love bombing), because this feels good for you. You feel that your worth is increasing.

You believe that by loving/helping the narcissist you will receive love back.

It's a selfish transaction, you see?

When you don't get any love back, your emotional/caring part flips to blame/anger/sadness instead. By blaming you are blind to you being part of the problem.

You need to first give the same amount of love you want to give to others to your self. Always. By doing this you are fully nurtured by yourself at all times.

This leads to you finally being in balance and able to give love selflessly. Not wanting any love/appreciation back in return. This is your highest potential. Giving unconditionally.

 

[Preety_India]

@Ingenting  when I used to fall for narcissists, I didn't know it was love bombing. I used to take it as love.

Now that I'm aware of what it is, I don't think I'll fall for it anymore. 

By loving a narcissist, I'm not looking for receiving love back, that's an error in judgement, I'm simply loving them. They in turn abuse that love. 

I don't believe that when you love someone there should be any expectations. But any relationship will always have certain rules and I wouldn't call that selfish 

Like if I don't wish to be hurt by anyone, I wouldn't call it selfish, it's a basic human need. 

 

 

[Axiomatic]

You attract what you put out. And all your post come off very narcissistic to me. 

[Akemrelax]

Maybe, I know this sounds crazy right, but maybe you might be a narcissist, that’s why you attract narcissists.

[Preety_India]

@Akemrelax no I'm not. You have no clue about narcissistic abuse @Axiomatic so please stop with your victim shaming both of you 

I'm opening threads to gain perspectives and not be character judged. If you don't know how narcissists operate in a relationship, simply don't spout bullshit. 

Stay away from the thread if your intention is to make me feel bad. I'm already having a much worse time dealing with narcissistic abuse and Abusers. So stop with your shaming and silly baseless speculations. 

To know the psychology of a person, you need to know that person in reality. 

So stop your silly psychoanalysis of my character. It feels like a personal attack. 

 

Please don't make this personal and keep it civil the thread has nothing to do with you personally with both of you. 

Edited November 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@AMTO thanks 

[Preety_India]

@AMTO yep. 

I know how asking for something in love gets so demonized lol.. 

[Byun Sean]

3 minutes ago, AMTO said:

@Preety_India Just be honest about the situation. If someone doesn’t love you they’re not going to start just because you love them. It’s either given freely or it isn’t. 

Romantic love is very self biased and survival oriented.

[Preety_India]

14 minutes ago, AMTO said:

Yes. But it can still be a truly beautiful thing. I’m not saying it’s bad. I’m just saying it should be freely reciprocated. 

Agreed. 

[Gesundheit]

6 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@Akemrelax no I'm not. You have no clue about narcissistic abuse @Axiomatic so please stop with your victim shaming both of you 

I'm opening threads to gain perspectives and not be character judged. If you don't know how narcissists operate in a relationship, simply don't spout bullshit. 

Stay away from the thread if your intention is to make me feel bad. I'm already having a much worse time dealing with narcissistic abuse and Abusers. So stop with your shaming and silly baseless speculations. 

To know the psychology of a person, you need to know that person in reality. 

So stop your silly psychoanalysis of my character. It feels like a personal attack. 

 

Please don't make this personal and keep it civil the thread has nothing to do with you personally with both of you. 

Actually, I think they're not entirely wrong. But their perspective could be presented more carefully.

There's something that I've noticed about disordered personalities is that you can't really separate them from each other. A narcissist has the core of an empath, and an empath has the core of a narcissist. There are various dynamics that this special structure allows to exist and interplay, and so it's not always simple to discern who is who. Attraction simply cannot occur if either parties is a 100% narcissist or empath. There needs to be something familiar about the other person that turns the little spark into a huge fire.

And so, if you really look inside yourself, you will most likely find some things that you judge as narcissistic or selfish. But to you, they are normalized because they live in the shadow. They had to be normalized because you as a person could not be otherwise. Deep down, an empath isn't really selfless, rather deeply selfish when you touch his core or even go near it. Notice for example that you chose to break up with your ex because you realized the harm he was causing you. If you were 100% selfless, you wouldn't have minded his abuse. I'm not saying that you should have stayed. I'm just presenting you with a certain perspective to help you understand yourself better. Another example is right now, when these two people on the forum told you that you may be a narcissist, notice your reaction, it proves their point. And now as you're reading this, it's perfectly normal if you feel triggered and feel like we're wrong or abusive. Recognize that it's your shadow trying to protect you. Observe your inner reactions and emotions. If you actually feel triggered, that means you have some narcissistic aspects in your shadow. And these aspects have to come to light instead of being ignored or denied in order for you to become integrated. This is the key to solving all of your problems with narcissists. It's not that you're not actually selfish, it's that you're ashamed of being selfish, even though you are. This shame is what makes you an empath. And without it, you would be a narcissist. This shame is what's preventing you from creating and demonstrating your boundaries to others in a proper manner, and it is what's allowing the shameless narcissists to take advantage of you.

I want you to really contemplate what I said here. And I wish you all the best. Good luck.

Edited November 19, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Preety_India]

@Gesundheit I'm hypersensitive. I'm not a narcissist. 

I'm an HSP. Calling someone a narcissist is a huge deal. And it should be done either by a licensed therapist or after careful examination to fulfill all major traits. Not because someone wanted to simply throw that word around. 

In the case of my ex boyfriend he was diagnosed as a narcissist bipolar by his therapist. 

So please don't loosely throw that word around unless you have had a close relationship with that person in which case you have enough information about that person's behavior. 

The people I have referred to don't even know me in real life. So it's exceptionally judgemental to make such a huge claim on my character. 

Especially when someone is opening about their wounds and abuse in a relationship, one is expected to show sensitivity. 

Being vulnerable to so many people on this forum is already a big deal for me. It's not easy thing at all. 

So I expect people to not use personal attacks especially when they know nothing about me in real life. It's baseless speculation. 

And when I deny it, they shouldn't impose their views on my character. That's totally unfair. 

I opened the thread for help, support and advice not for judgement and baseless accusations. 

Please respect that. 

 

I get triggered very easily because I'm an HSP due to childhood trauma and scars. It's a sign of unresolved traumas and mild PTSD. So please be mindful to not further trigger it. 

 

Edited November 19, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Gesundheit  you can call me egotistical though. I can give you that. 

I do have a bit of an egoic edge to my personality. 

But many many  people have egotistical tendencies. Does it mean that they are narcissists? Absolutely not. 

My PTSD does cause me to get defensive and maintain an ego, this is just a defensive front I put on to reduce triggers from further activating the PTSD. This is absolutely normal for all PTSD victims.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD by my doctors many years ago so Im already on my way to recovery but PTSD does not recover as easily as I would want it to 

I hope that clears up why I get defensive. 

 

[Gesundheit]

@Preety_India Okay I apologize.

[Nahm]

@Preety_India

Self love...top of mind ....

Enough sleep.

A clean diet.

Daily exercise.

Daily meditation. 

Aligning thoughts with feeling. 

Some time spent each day on what you enjoy, and specifically activities which highlight and expand on your unique gifts.

Break routine. Take a solo trip somewhere new.  

Order / try something new, outside your typical day to day. Could be a new food, a more expressive flamboyant blouse, anything. 

Body pampering...not sure what the options are over there in India but things like mani & pedi, massage, float tanks, etc, etc. 

Anything whatsoever which is creative. Drawing, painting, clay, anything. To ‘connect’ in creation is ‘connect’ in self love. 

Then, happiness, peace of mind, love, etc, all the Goodies, are far less contingent upon relationships with others. 

Sun’s just gotta shine  that’s your thingy. ?

Narcissists would avoid you like the plague.