Why am I attracting narcissists?

[Preety_India]

I have been pondering over my relationship issues and traumas over the past few days and I realized that there is a pattern in the type of men I'm attracting and they are usually narcissists. I'm quite frankly fed up with attracting all sorts of wrong people who end up taking advantage of me and I get too gullible and somehow I want to put an end to this pattern. 

 

So I thought over it and I began scribbling this diagram in my head. I began to see people on a spectrum from the least selfish or very selfless to the very selfish and the moderates flanking the center with the most balanced people in the center. (balanced means they know how to balance selflessness and selfishness). On the right side of the spectrum I placed myself in the extreme of people who are caring. And the conclusion that I drew is that the narcissists attack and predate on emotional and caring people. They are like energy vampires. 

 

The solution for such people (to not get victimized by narcissists) is to gradually become survival oriented and move towards the center where they can see the benefits of being selfish and train themselves to be a little more selfish. 

 

What do you think of this insight? Also you could add your own perspectives on why people tend to attract narcissists and bad people. 

 

[Leo Gura]

Be honest, what is it you find attractive about narcissists?

[Opo]

Usually caring people like you are afraid to offend people so they take advantage of you. 

Narcissists don't care about offending people and that's why you find them attractive. Because you need more of that. 

If you stopped being a people pleaser you would stop being attracted to them. 

There is a book on Leo's list about it. 

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Be honest, what is it you find attractive about narcissists?

They bring out my caring side more than other normal people. 

Bringing out those feminine caring instincts in me makes me produce oxytocin for them. I want to care for a person who needs my hug or affection. 

Narcissists tend to want my affection. So I tend to submit. 

I almost feel like a nurse who is helping a wounded soldier. 

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Preety_India

[Gesundheit]

Because narcissists love themselves and you don't. And deep inside, you want to experience self-love. The only way you know how is through them, because you don't know how to experience it by yourself. It's just a basic psychological need that you're deprived of.

[Preety_India]

@Gesundheit is self-love selfish? 

 

[Gesundheit]

15 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Gesundheit is self-love selfish?

It depends on how we define selfishness and how we look at ourselves. There's not a simple answer to this question, but basically let's just say that selfishness is not a bad thing and it does not even exist. Why would I say that? Because you probably tend to assume that it is bad and wrong and you can't see how it’s not at all the case. In fact, here's a mindfuck for you; You are making an identity out of denying selfishness, which is itself a selfish act. So what are you gonna do? You're always gonna be selfish anyway no matter what you do. You can't be less selfish, and you can't get any more selfish. It's just a matter of focus and distribution. You can say that self-love is selfish, but then you're helping narcissists and allowing them to be more selfish. So you're merely taking away from your self and giving away to them. Which, ironically, defeats your own definition, because you said self-love is selfish but you don't apply this to narcissists, only to yourself. In doing that, you're basically enabling narcissists and disabling the good, loving, and caring people.

So, I say get rid of the whole concept and remove it out of your head completely. Don't ever think about being less selfish unless you have gone too far in the other direction, but that's far down the road. So don't worry about it at all for the next few months/years.

Edited November 18, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Rilles]

26 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Be honest, what is it you find attractive about narcissists?

Narcissists are VERY charming though. Its not so simple as to say "Stop being attracted to them" I know thats not exactly what you said but... The narcissists are 30% at fault too, Its like if a woman just walked up to you and said "Lets fuck" Would you say as a man "Hm, let me consider" No haha. Narcissists are the same except they love-bomb you with fantasies of how great it will be together in the relationship, or even the parent-child relationship, I have experience with narcissistic parent. 

"Why are you attracted to tits and ass, be honest"

Edited November 18, 2020 by Rilles

[Preety_India]

@Rilles exactly. 

Their love bombing is on another level. It's so strong that it is impossible to resist. 

 

[Gesundheit]

15 minutes ago, Rilles said:

"Why are you attracted to tits and ass, be honest"

Classical Pavlovian conditioning.

[Rilles]

2 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Pavlovian would mean that you've been trained with a reward. 

Well, whats an orgasm but a reward?

[Preety_India]

20 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

I always pay attention that my boundaries are strong so people don't abuse them. If you are being abused, is mostly because you've got internalized patterns that make it so.

Let's say even if I don't get abused in a relationship, I'm still going to end up around narcissists because they have this enormous magnetic power that they create through a ton of love bombing. 

It becomes an addiction. 

[Rilles]

6 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Aren't boys into tits and ass long before they get to touch them?

Im not an expert on this to be honest. I just think unabashed charm is like crack to women. Just like beauty is to men. And narcissists got that on lock. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Rilles

[Preety_India]

6 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

How long does this love bombing phase last? 

One of the best tips I've been given about guys is not to look at their words, but at their actions. When you start a relationship with someone, be mindful that you are in a discovering phase and you need time to see that guy's full conditioning to deploy. At the beginning we are all on our best behavior are we get to see someone else's persona. 

The best way to test if you are facing a narcissistic early on, is to look for red flags and inspect how their ego functions.

The love bombing can last anywhere between 3 weeks up to 3 months. This is the impression phase where the narcissist's sole focus is to impress as hard as he can. 

Your advice is on point. Screening them for red flags early on is a good idea. 

[Preety_India]

@Etherial Cat  they don't even allow any questions to be asked. 

In the initial dating period with my ex Joseph, he would immediately shut down any questions that I would ask about his past, or his past marriage or any thing regarding his credibility. They just hate questions. 

 

[Natasha]

@Preety_India Have you had a trauma bond with a caretaker in your childhood and possibly developed tolerance for mistreatment/abuse as a result of a lack of boundaries? Was one or both of your parents/siblings narcissistic? It all starts in our childhood and carries into our relationships as adults.

I think demonizing narcissists is overrated. These are people who run by unconscious survival patterns and lack emotional intelligence. They are victims of their own selves. They deserve our compassion... from a distance lol The rise of narcissism is evident in today's world along with the rise of social media and technology. And I'm glad to see more and more conscious narcissists coming forward as educators like Sam Vaknin and HG Tudor. Knowledge is power.

[RendHeaven]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

"Emotional/Caring" people are NOT necessarily "Very selfless"

"Emotional/Caring" people can be just as selfish as narcissists.

You're not doing real inner work if you consider yourself "very selfless" just because you happen to be "emotional/caring."

Why?

"Emotional/Caring" people tend to use emotional vulnerability as a way to bargain with someone else:

"I'll be emotional for you, now you must show me approval and love."

Caring can also be egoic attachment (in fact, 9/10 times it is egoic attachment. If you insist it's not egoic attachment, you're kidding yourself).

Consider that narcissists and "emotional/caring" people get together because they're BOTH SELFISH.

A truly selfless person would have enough self-love that their emotional vulnerability is no longer a bargaining tool; their caring, no longer mere attachment.

A truly selfless person would have enough self-love that they have high standards and crystal-clear personal boundaries. A truly selfless person would have nothing to do with a narcissist out of respect for themselves and the narcissist.

[Preety_India]

@Natasha my mom was abusive. 

I'm not exactly demonizing narcissists. Just that I don't want them around me because they cause a lot of harm through their manipulation. 

Not everyone has to suffer trauma in order to be abused by narcissists..the narcissist who had abused me had also had toxic relationships with other women and when I befriended those women, they had no history of trauma. 

Narcissists destroy lives. It's just facts. They need to own it. And it's not overrated. In fact most women don't even realize that they are suffering narcissistic abuse because they are hardly aware of such a term.

More awareness in this aspect is necessary 

 

 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, RendHeaven said:

 

A truly selfless person would have enough self-love that their emotional vulnerability is no longer a bargaining tool; their caring, no longer mere attachment.

A truly selfless person would have enough self-love that they have high standards and crystal-clear personal boundaries

Having boundaries and selflessness are two different things. I've seen selfless people get shit on and that's because they never learned how to keep boundaries. 

 

[Preety_India]

10 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Vulnerability is a great way to build intimacy. I'd probably find very suspicious by this type of behavior.

Next time, maybe take this as a red flag as well.

Yep.