I don't want a romantic man anymore

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

 

I would be too happy and giddy and excited to be with him and that would be like a jackpot for me 

Never underestimate the power of hedonic adaptation. 

[Preety_India]

@mandyjw what is hedonic adaptation? 

 

[mandyjw]

6 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@mandyjw what is hedonic adaptation? 

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-science-success/201208/how-keep-happiness-fading

It's the tendency of our minds to return to a set point of happiness, even after something really awful or wonderful happens. Things, people and events don't make us happy or sad, we are susceptible to the contrast. So for example, I win the lottery. I buy my dream car. Someone scratches my dream car. Instead of being thrilled that I won the lottery, I'm now mad my car is scratched. That's how ridiculous our minds are. That's the power of meditation, to go beyond noticing the contrast of things and mistaking our true being for our shallow, fragile states of mind. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by mandyjw

[Preety_India]

@mandyjw that sounds very interesting. Never heard of that term before. 

 

[mandyjw]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@mandyjw that sounds very interesting. Never heard of that term before. 

 

It's really fascinating, and really empowering because once you understand it, you can hack it and create the life of your dreams. Not just by how it looks on the outside but how it feels. Or rather, you already have the life of your dreams! 

[flume]

I’ll reply here but it also kind of links to your narcissist thread. Here are some of my thoughts:

Finding a great partner is a fine balancing act between having standards and not being unapproachable at the same time. What you’re asking in this thread is top-notch. I’m not saying lower your standards, but I will say that you need to offer a lot in return and cultivate the worthiness to even receive a man like this. Also, if you’re overly sceptical and basically expect them to disappoint you, you’ll find something wrong with them no matter what. You’ll find a reason to ditch every guy, even if they’re actually great. Again, worthiness frees you of these games.

So I’m suggesting: Down with the defensiveness, up with the self worth, and all of this will work out. Balance your boundaries with a warm, open heart. Let men surprise you There are many great men out there! Best solution i’ve found so far: Work on embodying all these values yourself and let them come to you

But that’s just general advice, I think the requirements you mentioned have more to do with your fear of attracting more narcissistic personalities. If I were you I’d ask myself honestly why men like that even make it into your life. Are there unresolved traumas, limiting beliefs or co-dependency issues lingering inside? What makes you different from a friend that is attracting great guys?

You’ll have to dig these things up at some point, so better invest in therapy and books now. These things are not getting resolved by another forum post. And no great guy will ever fix these things for you. Even if he meets all your requirements, you’ll still push him away. He can’t safe you, only you can. (I know it’s kinda crushing the feminine dream of being rescued but it’s also true. No guy will ever love you the way you want them to. Only you can.) 

No one will stand up for your boundaries but you. No need to look for the perfect man for now, turn inwards and build a good relationship with yourself. Accept that you keep loosing yourself in other people because you don't know yourself yet. Focus on anything that ups your value in your eyes and whatever is making you love and trust yourself more. Take some time off dating and learn to really trust your feminine feelings again, they’re usually on point

Also look into attachment styles if you find the time, that’s valuable stuff.

I also recommend you start wording things differently. Instead of saying ‘I attract narcissists’ you could say ‘I seem to be attracted to them”. This puts you in a more active role, not a passive one. It’s just attraction, you still have a choice.

All the best for your journey! Seems like you’re having a rough time. Much love!

[MrBON]

@Leo Gura LOL dude half my guy friends are like that. Not all guys are PUA dicks that cant treat girls right. How hard is it to find a loyal, honest, caring, not needy, mature, faithful and respectful. Millions of them out there. Only one that is difficult to fill is the manipulation one since we all do it to some extent, mostly unconsciously. Issue is that these kind of men are not good at emotional stimulation but you can have a good relationship with them. Hell even i fall into most of those "criteria". 

[Axiomatic]

I can tell by how @Preety_India  post that she's a piece of work lmao

Edited November 18, 2020 by Axiomatic

[Preety_India]

45 minutes ago, Axiomatic said:

I can tell by how @Preety_India  post that she's a piece of work lmao

And so are you. 

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

3 hours ago, MrBON said:

How hard is it to find a loyal, honest, caring, not needy, mature, faithful and respectful.

Yea I also think that this shouldn't be hard. 

I'm shocked that most people on this thread are likening these qualities to a God. They use the word God-like. It baffles me beyond belief. 

It is simply the definition of a decent guy. How does it mean looking for God? 

My dad could easily fill those requirements with my mom. Any other man in my family would do as well. 

I am surprised to see that a lot of people here think that if a man mistreats a woman, then he is just being a man and it's considered normal? 

 

[Axiomatic]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

Yea I also think that this shouldn't be hard. 

I'm shocked that most people on this thread are likening these qualities to a God. They use the word God-like. It baffles me beyond belief. 

It is simply the definition of a decent guy. How does it mean looking for God? 

My dad could easily fill those requirements with my mom. Any other man in my family would do as well. 

I am surprised to see that a lot of people here think that if a man mistreats a woman, then he is just being a man and it's considered normal? 

 

All of your post are so critical towards men. Stop looking at it like that. 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Axiomatic said:

All of your post are so critical towards men. Stop looking at it like that. 

Stop looking at me the way you're looking at me. 

 

[Axiomatic]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

Stop looking at me the way you're looking at me. 

 

Aight, well I can see this is going to go nowhere. Good luck with your journey. You're going to need it.

[Preety_India]

Just now, Axiomatic said:

Aight, well I can see this is going to go nowhere. Good luck with your journey. You're going to need it.

You too. Thanks. 

[somegirl]

@flume You're very wise Flume, I've read couple of your comments you post and I agree on everything!

I would only wonder, where do people meet their girlfriends/boyfriends usually? Like, beside mutual friends and, even worse, bars and clubs? It seems to me that it's totally random. Like, it seems like people meet each other on streets or something. I even see some people who rarely go out with their friends always finding a boyfriend/girlfriend to be with. 

[Preety_India]

4 hours ago, flume said:

Focus on anything that ups your value in your eyes and whatever is making you love and trust yourself more. Take some time off dating and learn to really trust your feminine feelings again, they’re usually on point

Yep. This was gold. 

[MrBON]

@Preety_India I might be wrong but i feel like Leo has a bias regarding how guys treat girls. I feel like a lot of his friends in adult life have been PUA players and he feels like most guys treat girls badly and finding a kind caring person is quite rare. Kind caring person that is NOT a people pleaser and a Wimp i mean. So a confident independent caring kind person (does not have to be assertive or dominant or edgy or any of that shit)

Edited November 19, 2020 by MrBON

[Preety_India]

@MrBON that does sound familiar to the word shadow. 

 

[MrBON]

@Preety_India Careful with labeling. The mechanics of attraction are shallow, selfish and survival oriented. It has nothing to do with kindness, truth or honesty. You being attracted to a funny guy is shallow too. Me being attracted to a girl with nice curves is also shallow. We are all shallow

[Preety_India]

@MrBON no no no. I didn't say shallow I said shadow.