I don't want a romantic man anymore

[Preety_India]

 

3 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

That's a tall order to fill. Not just for a man, but for any human.

What you're asking for is a highly developed, conscious, selfless man. Which is gonna be as rare as a highly developed, conscious, selfless woman.

See... on the one hand you want a man who not manipulative, yet on the other hand you want a man who's really good at survival and a provider. These two things inversely related.

Ok. 

I am not some Saint but I'm pretty decent in my behavior and this is not some bragging or boasting. I have some core values and principles that I have stuck for since I was like 9 years old. That has always kept me morally strong. 

It does sound like a tall order. But please understand I have always filled tall orders for myself too. 

Beginning with 

 

• I have never cheated in a relationship. Never. 
• I'm completely faithful 
• I'm loving, caring sincere with my emotions 
• I respect my partners. Always have 
• I have never lied 
• I have never been Dishonest 
• I have never abused anyone 
• I have never manipulated a guy. 
• I have a gentle nature 
• I'm strict with morals 
• I have shown understanding and reasonable amount of maturity. 
• I have never tried controlling/dominating / using /nagging a guy 
• I have been straightforward and direct. 
• I have been simple and sensitive to the men I have been with. 

To me expecting similar things in a partner are not huge expectations.

If I have been a reasonably decent human being all my life, why shouldn't I deserve the same in a partner? 

If I can offer the above (and I've always been offering) in a relationship, then why should I be settling for something less?

Also since these are my core values and principles, my relationship with a man offering anything less will never work because there will be a mismatch of principles between him and me. 

 

[Shin]

Is your ex named Joseph, the same Joseph who was banned here ?

[Preety_India]

27 minutes ago, Eren Eeager said:

@Preety_India becareful you may as well end up with weak insecure men with a lot of emotional problems . What you are looking for is a more mature man on the emotional level. I guess you can sense that from the first few dates. I guess he still will be romantic and playful but still you can sense emotional maturity from his vibes and the subtle ques he is sending. Also don't get invested in a relationship before you properly analyzes your partner from the few dates you had. A bad partner will easily expose himself if you had quite the eye.

Good advice. Appreciate. 

[Leo Gura]

10 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I have never lied

You just lied right there

But, sure, you can find decent men. They exist.

But you have to understand that your criteria for men is asymmetrical. A man is not subject to the same survival pressures as a woman, so don't expect men to be as nice as women. If they were, they would get steamrolled by other men.

If you want a nice partner, consider dating a woman But if you want a man, then expect him to be a bit of a man.

You're sorta asking for a wolf with no balls.

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Shin said:

Is your ex named Joseph, the same Joseph who was banned here ?

No. 

My ex has nothing to do with this forum. He has never been here. 

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You just lied right there

 

I said that I have never lied. I don't know how that means that I have lied? 

 

[Shin]

If you only attracted men like your ex, you may want to self reflect at how is this a constant.

It's not by accident that you always attract the same kind of guy.

[mandyjw]

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

My expectations in a relationship 

• No cheating. Faithfulness 
• Loving and caring 
• Respectful 
• No lying, no Dishonesty
• No abuse 
• No manipulation 
• Gentle nature 
• Strict with morals 
• Understanding and maturity 
• Not a control freak 
• Straightforward and direct. 
• Simple and sensitive to women's emotions. 

I have a man like that, who easily fits all those qualities, been with him since I was 17. It doesn't matter if someone fits all the qualities you say you're looking for, your mind will still find major things to complain about.

A lot of being in a relationship with anyone is to pay attention to what you want, don't give any thought OR resistance to what you don't want. If you're going to make a list of what you're looking for, only list what you do want, because by thinking you're also attracting into your experience all of these things. The universe does not differentiate between what you don't want and what you do, it just shows you what you think about. So focus your mind through the power of meditation and see only that which you want to see. 

Good luck hun, and good luck with your healing. Don't making healing a prerequisite to enjoy what you've got now, let it occur on its own as you focus on the things you want and love. Aim to live in relationship like it's your first time together ever and also like today is your last day on earth together.

[Preety_India]

@mandyjw awesome. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

3 minutes ago, Shin said:

If you only attracted men like your ex, you may want to self reflect at how is this a constant.

It's not by accident that you always attract the same kind of guy.

Yes this is what I have been trying to do along with keeping my senses open to the flaws of my partner so I don't get scammed again. 

 

[Greatnestwithin]

5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I said that I have never lied. I don't know how that means that I have lied? 

 

Every one of us as humans have the capacity for deception and lying. To say as an absolute that we never lie is itself arrogant and a lie. If you can't see this in you, it is a blind spot then.

No judgment or pedestal over here. 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Greatnestwithin said:

Every one of us as humans have the capacity for deception and lying. To say as an absolute that we never lie is itself arrogant and a lie. If you can't see this in you, it is a blind spot then.

No judgment or pedestal over here. 

I understand that point. But frankly I have never lied to any of my partners. So it doesn't matter what others think. But hey there are a lot of people who don't lie. It's not some saintly virtue. 

To me being honest is just being simple and frank 

I don't see what I'm going to achieve by being Dishonest. Absolutely nothing. 

And to me a relationship can never work on the foundation of deception and lies. That's what I told my ex. His deceptions eventually became visible. 

[electroBeam]

43 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

See... on the one hand you want a man who not manipulative, yet on the other hand you want a man who's really good at survival and a provider.

I dont think her list had much survival on it. Although i agree that any women implicity wants this.

44 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

 "strong" man is often the most manipulative and deceptive. That's how he gets his strength in a low-consciousness society. And a weak man is probably not gonna make you wet.

 

Well you can make a woman wet without a strong career. What about an emotionally stimulating tree hugger.

Although i agree that most women want a strong career = low conscious.

46 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

.

And here's the ultimate kicker: if you ever sleep with a man who's that God-like, and if you ever break up with him, it will be the most painful, heartbreaking event of your life. Because you know you'll probably never meet someone that good again. So be careful what you wish for. Just because a man is good or Godly does not guarantee he will not break up with you at some point for any number of legit reasons which have nothing to do with him cheating or being an asshole.

There is a deeper problem you're hitting up against here, which is this: every great thing comes to an end, and the greater the thing is, the sadder its end will be. You can't escape this. This is the existential suffering that the Buddha taught. Relationships are bound to be painful. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship without any pain. Relationships are like a rollercoaster, so enjoy the thrill while it lasts.

Yep, although you can be in relationships without getting attached. It just takes conscious effort. Doesnt mean you won't mourn at a loss, but it will be a detached mourning. 

If you get attached to someone, you can let those attachements go bit by bit every day, so that when you do break up, you're not letting all those attachments go at once like a silly kid doing his homework the night before its due.

[electroBeam]

19 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I said that I have never lied. I don't know how that means that I have lied? 

 

Theres no I

[Preety_India]

47 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

There is a deeper problem you're hitting up against here, which is this: every great thing comes to an end, and the greater the thing is, the sadder its end will be. You can't escape this. This is the existential suffering that the Buddha taught. Relationships are bound to be painful. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship without any pain. Relationships are like a rollercoaster, so enjoy the thrill while it lasts.

The better the man, the bigger the problem.

Any kind of attachment will necessarily create suffering. Such is life.

Yea some beautiful nuggets there. Especially the attachment creates suffering logic, perfect. 

But sadly in life we want something semi permanent. 

14 minutes ago, Shin said:

If you only attracted men like your ex, you may want to self reflect at how is this a constant.

It's not by accident that you always attract the same kind of guy.

I am really reflecting hard on this. And I think part of the problem can be my empathetic behavior attracting narcissists and psychopaths. And my ability to forgive is also a problem. It doesn't allow me to be very strict.. 

Maybe I should try to be more selfish and survival oriented? 

Or Just too disciplined? 

 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

See... on the one hand you want a man who not manipulative, yet on the other hand you want a man who's really good at survival and a provider. These two things are inversely related. A "strong"

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

 

I don't remember saying on the list that I wanted a provider. 

I provide for myself and always have since a young age. 

None of my boyfriends ever spent a dime on me, let alone provide. 

The second ex, In fact he was a leech on me and I had to provide him for some time. 

The last ex who I complained about in the other thread (Joseph) was homeless many many times and I had to search a home for him and enroll him in a program so that he could care for himself. I even fixed his kitchen with my own money. 

I don't ever asking my boyfriends for even a dinner or drink(I don't drink but I never asked for anything at all) I always split my bill whenever  I went anywhere and I paid for my own travel. 

I think I am a bit egotistical when it comes to money, I usually decline if someone is doing any favor for me. 

I just wanted (ever) to be with a decent man and not get played. That's all. 

 

 

[Leo Gura]

@Preety_India I think your issue would be solved if you simply screened harder. If what you want is a honest guy, screen him for it early on.

Honesty is a character trait. Some people have it, some don't. Train yourself to be a good judge of character.

[Mannyb]

As a man I can tell you the main thing that’d get you better men attracted to you is to do whatever you can to make yourself more physically appealing. At least being quite physically fit will give you better proportions like the hip to waist ratio, and taking care of your skin. By simple becoming hotter (which all of us can do to some extent with self care) you will have more freedom to filter out men out there (men also filter women & what matters most for men are looks). 

[Etherial Cat]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

And here's the ultimate kicker: if you ever sleep with a man who's that God-like, and if you ever break up with him, it will be the most painful, heartbreaking event of your life. Because you know you'll probably never meet someone that good again. So be careful what you wish for. Just because a man is good or Godly does not guarantee he will not break up with you at some point for any number of legit reasons which have nothing to do with him cheating or being an asshole.

There is a deeper problem you're hitting up against here, which is this: every great thing comes to an end, and the greater the thing is, the sadder its end will be. You can't escape this. This is the existential suffering that the Buddha taught. Relationships are bound to be painful. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship without any pain. Relationships are like a rollercoaster, so enjoy the thrill while it lasts.

The better the man, the bigger the problem.

Any kind of attachment will necessarily create suffering. Such is life.

Yet, the best way to be God-Like as a woman and match your man would be to Love him enough to let him go. If the relationship breaks at this point, it means that something which can't be worked on is tearing it apart.

Most of the time, this would be an unresolved personal issue that can only be deal with on the level of the individual. The other can't do it for him/her. Or just plain realities limitation as Life unfolds. Often, it's both. 

Maybe the more God-Like you become, and the easier it is to accept that all good things come to an end. Ideally you'd Love during the relationship, and you'd Love the person as it goes. I mean, what makes separation difficult is the ego and a lack of perspective. And obviously, it's desire to possess.

If you'd be with such a God-Like person, it's quite likely that anyway the whole relationship would have been an efficient training to its conclusion. Intimacy with a highly developed human, guided by the principe of Love, would be realistically one of the best teaching one could have to get more conscious. 

But yes, I mean, like Shakespeare said it well "These violent delights have violent ends". Welcome to the relative.

[Preety_India]

4 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

These are golden qualities.

I'd just say one thing. The better the guy is, the harder it becomes on your side.

Imagine if now you'd land on a stud, who is perfect in all points, with thousands virtues. Guess who is the one feeling not good enough and not filling the requirements? I'm not gonna say its not the case for you, but for me, if i'd be totally honest i'm not constantly ticking the points.

If the guy would really be that perfect, he'd spot each time you aren't. He'd be able to spot how your ego functions like he's watching a fish in a tank.

If you want to date a prince, you've got to be a princess yourself. Because otherwise it is just not working.

No. I wouldn't feel small or insecure in front of a man who matches my criteria. I would be in fact very proud of him and if he indeed pointed out some flaws in me, I would be more than willing to work on them for him. 

I would be too happy and giddy and excited to be with him and that would be like a jackpot for me