Some Relationship Questions

[xxxx]

Might be very rudimentary. Looking for an answer, still. 

1) Is being too nice too bad? Why do people take nice people less seriously? 

2) What makes someone take us for granted? 

3) How to be the most-wanted person in a social circle? How to create that? Any ways/methods that you employ? How to be indispensable? 

4) Any great relationship books on these lines? Not the really common ones. Have read those.

5) Other materials/resources are appreciated, too. 

(For work-related purposes, not personal) 

Thanks! 

 

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, xxxx said:

1) Is being too nice too bad?

It is not bad to be nice to others if you can first be nice to yourself.

1 hour ago, xxxx said:

Why do people take nice people less seriously? 

Because niceness is often a charade that masks the inability to take one's own needs seriously.
You cannot be in a successful relationship with another person if you are not able to recognize what they want and provide it in sustainable ways. That recognition of needs is first and foremost present with regards to your own self.

1 hour ago, xxxx said:

2) What makes someone take us for granted? 

Generally speaking, lack of consciousness that has a lot of potential causes. There are systemic ways in which we take each other for granted and that may come from childhood trauma, bad parenting and unhelpful thought patterns. There are also temporary ways in which we're toxic and they arise from current circumstances, such as stress, lack of proper sleep, or bad nutrition. Of course, there are also relationships that went past the point of no return where you secretly hate the person, but have to be in relationship with him/her, and you just want to harm them.

Generally speaking, this answer is very much related to the previous one.

1 hour ago, xxxx said:

3) How to be the most-wanted person in a social circle? How to create that? Any ways/methods that you employ? How to be indispensable? 

I would advise against this kind of thinking when entering relationships. What you want the most is to be yourself, instead of aping someone else's standards of behavior.

1 hour ago, xxxx said:

5) Other materials/resources are appreciated, too. 

Never hesitate to go to couples therapy if you're experiencing prolonged relationship problems that you fail to fix despite genuine efforts on both parts.

Edited November 18, 2020 by tsuki

[Preety_India]

It's only bad people who take nice people less seriously. 

 

[Leo Gura]

5 hours ago, xxxx said:

Why do people take nice people less seriously?

Depends on how you're defining "nice". If by nice you mean a meek door-mat with low self-esteem who can't stand up for herself, then yeah, people will have less respect for you because you let them push you around. People tend to be exploitative. If they see an opportunity to exploit you and you just let them get away with it, then they will usually do it. It's just how humans are wired for survival's sake.

It's important to set boundaries and not be afraid to enforce them. Once people see you enforcing your boundaries they will stop trying to exploit you because they know you're not the kind of person who stomachs their BS.

[F A B]

5 hours ago, xxxx said:

Is being too nice too bad?

Is not bad as long as you are able to say "no" and trust your inner voice.

5 hours ago, xxxx said:

Why do people take nice people less seriously? 

Trump is not nice but you don't take him seriously as well (I hope ahaha)

5 hours ago, xxxx said:

How to be the most-wanted person in a social circle? How to create that? Any ways/methods that you employ? How to be indispensable?

Are you attracting the social circle? Or is the social circle attracting you?

5 hours ago, xxxx said:

Any great relationship books on these lines? Not the really common ones. Have read those.

I don't know whether you define it as a common book, but I suggest "The way of a superior man" by Deida.

[xxxx]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Depends on how you're defining "nice"

@Leo Gura

Whilst what you said is true, indeed, my question wasn’t directed towards the meek-side of nice. 

I’m talking about genuine nice. I believe people are so busy chasing the difficult and unattainable, that they show little concern about things that matter to those who they call nice ones. When the mind gets fixated on the next game, people seldom pay attention to the nice ones. It’s like they know that they’ll be there, no matter what. Just asking if it’s a good thing to be nice all the time in this cut-throat world? Or, is it imperative to assert dominance once in a while - like what Robert Greene has said in his book? 

I do wish to climb the ladder in terms of my career, and this was solely work-related. Hence, your insight on this will very much be appreciated. For a woman, especially, the line between nice and bitch is very thin, and as a young woman who wants to climb up the social ladder in an industry that is very male dominated, I wish to gain many, varied insights so that I can contemplate, assess and implement, accordingly. I’m beginning with my LP, and this is a part of my assessment. I don’t want to play games, but I do not want to lose out, as well. 

Look forward to your answer. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by xxxx

[xxxx]

2 hours ago, F A B said:

Are you attracting the social circle? Or is the social circle attracting you?

@F A B

Thank you for your answer and book recommendation. 

Could you elaborate on this part a tad bit more?

[Leo Gura]

It depends a lot on the level of development of the people you commune with. If they are low in development, stage Red or Orange, they will preceive nice as too weak to survive.

Nice gets appreciated and valued at stage Green and above.

For example, if you try to be nice in prison, it will backfire.

[F A B]

2 hours ago, xxxx said:

@F A B

Thank you for your answer and book recommendation. 

Could you elaborate on this part a tad bit more?

 

* I didn't get you were a girl ahah

** The book I recommended is mostly to develop the masculine side, but if it is for work then it could help you anyway

 

If you are attracting the social circle, it means that your friends choose you for who you are, without "game".

If the social circle is attracting you, it means that you behave in such a way in order to be accepted by the group. So, in this case, you have to play a bit of a game. You force yourself to appear smart, friendly, reliable, etc...

 

[xxxx]

5 minutes ago, F A B said:

I didn't get you were a girl ahah

Hahaha

@F A B The former is a pivotal aspect, but right now, it isn’t my focal point.

The latter, however, is what I am concentrating on, right now. I have given slight context in my answer to @Leo Gura

This is work-related. Thus, the ‘social circle is attracting you’ part does hold water, to the most extent here. In a male dominated, competitive field, nice women are disregarded, and the ones on the other side, say the assertive ones, are looked upon with much disdain. 

I wish to navigate this route, and prepare myself with a level of much-needed equanimity, beforehand. 

[xxxx]

45 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

For example, if you try to be nice in prison, it will backfire.

What about a corporate-political field with super smart, experienced individuals (males, mostly)? How does one navigate so that they do not lose the game by being the good one, yet do not let anyone walk over them, and be taken for granted?

Where a young woman’s opinion is valued with much regard. 

[Leo Gura]

32 minutes ago, xxxx said:

What about a corporate-political field with super smart, experienced individuals (males, mostly)? How does one navigate so that they do not lose the game by being the good one, yet do not let anyone walk over them, and be taken for granted?

Where a young woman’s opinion is valued with much regard. 

I have no idea since I'm no corporate climbing woman.

Certainly there will be challenges there. You are dealing with stage Orange men who will be very masculine in their attitude and probably will not take you seriously unless you kick some ass and grab some balls.

You should seek out a woman in corporate for better advice.

[Preety_India]

You should be good but not too good. 

I have my diagram to explain this. 

 

 

[How to be wise]

@xxxx Check out the book ‘The art of war for women, by chin ning chu.’ Even as a guy, it has helped me.

Edited November 18, 2020 by How to be wise

[xxxx]

14 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You are dealing with stage Orange men who will be very masculine in their attitude and probably will not take you seriously unless you kick some ass and grab some balls.

Thanks, Leo.

There’s going to be heartbreak, sure. That’s almost at every turn in life, no?

One last thing: I know you are no corporate climbing woman — but as someone who has devoted a lot of time to the study of human nature, could you tell me whether one could ascend the path towards holistic self-actualisation, while also being a part of a field that requires strong self-preservation instincts? 

Be honest. I appreciate your experiential learning, and therefore, your insight will be pondered upon with much depth. 

[xxxx]

19 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

The art of war for women, by chin ning chu.’ 

@How to be wise

Thank you! 

[xxxx]

26 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I have my diagram to explain this. 

@Preety_India

Thank you.

I glanced at the threads you started, and while I may not have anything significant to contribute in terms of advice, I wish you relief and happiness in the future.  

Take care, Preety. 

[Leo Gura]

3 minutes ago, xxxx said:

Thanks, Leo.

There’s going to be heartbreak, sure. That’s almost at every turn in life, no?

It depends on the type of people yoi commune with and their level of development. Corporate folk are not very developed. You're bascially dealing with cavemen there

3 minutes ago, xxxx said:

One last thing: I know you are no corporate climbing woman — but as someone who has devoted a lot of time to the study of human nature, could you tell me whether one could ascend the path towards holistic self-actualisation, while also being a part of a field that requires strong self-preservation instincts? 

Of course you can self-actualize and learn a lot, but at some point you will probably outgrow that job and want to find something more refined.

It's okay, you don't have to solve everything at once. Babysteps.

[Strangeloop]

Well from my experience. (little story) I work as a taxi driver and I see different kinds of people. The most scary ones are the ones who are very reactive, the ones who will punch you for a tiniest thing. They don't see it as tiny though, it's big for them. Most red people are these kinds of people. Also not setting stereotypes because I've seen very calm and sophisticated people from prison. People who went to prison seem very aggressive. It's because of their environment they been in. I never been in prison but I can imagine what's like from stories I heard and from tv shows and movies.

These people fight, they fight for themselves. Hell I heard a guy say that he would punch one of his own if he ratted him out. So it's wise to keep your mouth shut sometimes, but sometimes they ask something and they demand an answer, if you don't give them attention they will flip out. And if you say too much, especially undermining them, then it's going to get ugly as well. 

Think what you speak.

And for nice people, they don't feel threatining so you can easily exploit them and take advantage of them. They might get "pissed off" but it's not as threating as the "not nice" group. Being a nice one has it's advantages and disadvantages. Like in the graph. It's all about balance. One advantage of being nice is getting forgiveness(if you're genuinely nice of course). Buuut if you're too nice you will be treated as no one. As a ant on which I can step over. "Just use me and throw me away"- nice person's belief.

[xxxx]

37 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Corporate folk are not very developed. You're bascially dealing with cavemen there