Suicidal... How to forget an ex? Soul crushing thoughts.

[Natasha]

@Preety_India You're going through a withdrawal, because your brain had gotten addicted chemically/hormonally and needs time to detox. Just sit with it. Its a physiological thing that can't be rushed. 

[Preety_India]

25 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

@Preety_India You said in a previous post that you were going to live in Texas next year, and I’m assuming it’s because he was planning on marrying you. If the relationship ends, how will you move to the West?

No. Moving to Texas was not because of him. I wanted to move to Texas to be close to my family, nothing to do with Joseph. Joseph does not live in Texas. 

Also, I had no plans to marry him once our relationship began to go sour. I wanted to marry him in the beginning but towards the end, our relationship had become much worse and I had realized that he was being very abusive. That's when I had dropped my marriage plans. And we were drifting apart. 

But he tried to renew the relationship many times but all attempts failed because he could not have control over his bipolar rage. And he never took accountability for his past actions. 

I was still loving him and it was difficult for me to stop loving him. 

But in my mind I knew that the relationship was really in bad condition. I was still trying to save it. I was still thinking that I might marry him if things got alright. 

I can move to Texas anytime, I don't need to marry someone for that. 

14 minutes ago, Gesundheit said:

It's okay to talk about it in your journal or here if you want to vent off. How do you feel right now after all the advice you got? Do you feel better? Freer? What do you feel you want the most right now?

I feel much better. Yes freer. I feel like I want lot of space and freedom and feeling of returning to the self. I don't want to be stuck in this Rut. 

I considered Joseph as the great love of my life that's why breaking up with him was very hard. 

But I'm trying to tell myself that acceptance is the key and sometimes even with your best efforts, things don't pan out how you wanted them to. When you love someone endlessly and infinitely, it's difficult to accept that that kind of relationship has ended. Of course it was a terribly abusive relationship, and it was best to end it, it just that it hurts knowing that you loved someone so much and they failed to understand it and that feeling of unfairness, of knowing that you got abused. 

But also comes along a feeling of freedom. 

Even in the last text he was trying to manipulate me into staying by calling me a great woman and telling me that he didn't want to lose me, classic narcissistic habit, but this time I didn't fall for it, I instantly recognized his manipulation. I'm free from his manipulation, his gaslighting, his guilting to stay in the relationship, his brainwashing into believing that whatever happened was not a big deal, I'm over it. I'm free from his mind games 

The more he tries to hold me, the more it feels negative, the more it feels ominous. 

So right now I feel free after giving him a piece of my mind. I feel like I have pulled and dragged all that manipulation, gaslighting, guilting, brainwashing and then bundled it up and thrown it into the garbage bin. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Natasha you're right. 

@Etherial Cat thank you for your words.

 

[Raphael]

Allow you to feel the pain and sadness, let it go through you, let it shock your body until it gets to your bones. You will feel the pain whether you allow it or resist, but you will go through it faster by allowing it.

 

[Gesundheit]

Glad to hear that you're moving on. I deeply understand and sympathize with the kind of pain you're talking about.

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

When you love someone endlessly and infinitely, it's difficult to accept that that kind of relationship has ended. Of course it was a terribly abusive relationship, and it was best to end it, it just that it hurts knowing that you loved someone so much and they failed to understand it and that feeling of unfairness, of knowing that you got abused.

In my case, it was the most wonderful relationship with the most wonderful girl. But it had to end due to certain painful reasons for both of us. What hurt me so much was the fact that I had to let go of what was the perfect relationship for me. She, on the contrary to your ex, deeply understood me and was the only one I truly loved. I don't know if I could ever love someone else as much and I really still think that she's irreplaceable. I guess letting go is difficult either way, good or bad partner, but see, in my case the person was great and it still was extremely difficult to let her go. So that's why I am getting more convinced now that it was really about me, not the world. The things I said above were the steps that I took to get back on my feet. I'm not in my best shape yet, but still I've done a lot of progress and I feel a lot better too. And most importantly, the lessons and the growth I had were invaluable so that's something to be grateful for as well. Nothing’s ever is a waste. I hope you'll get over that bastard completely soon and I know you will. Stay strong, you're doing great, and me too ??

[Preety_India]

@Gesundheit  I'm sorry about your experience. Hope you find healing. 

I'm grateful for your words and help. I'm trying my best to get over this so I can move on and forget that bastard. 

 

[RendHeaven]

3 hours ago, Gesundheit said:

In my case, it was the most wonderful relationship with the most wonderful girl. But it had to end due to certain painful reasons for both of us. What hurt me so much was the fact that I had to let go of what was the perfect relationship for me. She, on the contrary to your ex, deeply understood me and was the only one I truly loved. I don't know if I could ever love someone else as much and I really still think that she's irreplaceable.

Same story bro 

What's your life purpose? 

Focusing on LP (aka self-love) seems like the only way out...

Edited November 17, 2020 by RendHeaven

[Guest SirVladimir]

@Preety_India

Hey, I noticed this thread, and I felt like chirping in.

Excuse me if I'm completely wrong, but you seem to me like a dreamer, an idealist, a romantic; just like I am. If that's the case, you'll probably see yourself in this: We have a gift for beauty. It's our strength. We are able to see the ways in which you can make what is considered average, extraordinary. Authenticity is important in us, and we always look for the best in other people.

If you really are suicidal - and I respect how much pressure that word carries - then it's likely that any complex woo-woo spiritual advice won't hold because your whole system feels shattered; the foundation upon which your whole body is built seems disintegrated. Yeah. I know.

Tackle it small steps at a time. Cook some nice meal like the pumpkin soup you posted - Yeah, I don't forget. It looked stunning. Find someone to cry with. Find flowers, if necessary. Hug a tree. Have a good cry while you're hugging that old fella. I know it sounds ridiculous - but the chair, the table, the objects that serve you everyday are here for you, too. Personalize them. Bring them to life. Appreciate them. They love you back.

Also, if it's not too much to ask at the moment, try to notice that crying is so pure. Don't know about you, but whenever I cry, I feel as if there are zero barriers between me and life, it's utterly raw, authentic, the desire I'm after seems so clear when I'm crying, and so does the action I need to take to get there.

You'll get through this, and we'll all laugh together again. 

[Preety_India]

@SirVladimir thank you for your kind words. 

 

[iceprincess]

girls with low self esteem usually fall for guys who  are terrible for them. you just have to work on loving yourself and fixing your negative inner beliefs. once you're done crying and suffering go out and meet some new guys or a lot of guys lol. there are tons of guys that will treat you right and even if you don't like them you'll feel a lot better and have a clearer sense of what you want. my friend dated one of the most horrendous psychopaths who was 10 times worse than your man, she followed my advice and is now dating such a sweet angel who adores her. hang in there love, it's only darkest before the dawn. 

we accept the love we think we deserve -  perks of being a wallflower 

[integral]

[Preety_India]

@iceprincess  that's good advice but when I think of myself, low self esteem is not really the reason why I fell for him. I wasn't thinking that he was an asshole at least in the beginning. 

When I did some analysis, what I found is that there is something wrong with the way I'm thinking about love. My beliefs are mistaken. 

I believed that love could fix everything in a relationship, my belief was of unconditional love where I felt I was fixing something with my love and I was completely oblivious to the red flags of the other person. I believed in forgiveness a bit too much. 

Well the problem there is nothing wrong in thinking these things but they look good only on paper, in reality things don't work like that. If someone is acting abusive, love cannot change that. And I should be thinking about love in a more practical manner, that it would only make sense to give love, if  I receive it as well but I only believed in giving, I always carried this idea that receiving was selfishness. 

But being so selfless in the name of love is a huge detriment, anyone can take advantage and there are lots of vultures out there.. 

He is used to always beg me if I went away for a few days. He used to tug at my heart strings by making me feel sympathetic for him, he used to prey on my ability to forgive by begging for forgiveness. For a person like me it was very difficult to say No or not forgive when I forgive people I care about easily. 

It really is like taking advantage of my sweet nature by constantly guilting me into forgiving me, which turns into a vicious cycle. 

What I learned is that I shouldn't be very saintly in a relationship. Now it's hard to be selfish for me because I like to care and love the other person, I like to be very sweet and affectionate in a relationship, this is my nature, I have never been too strict or heavy handed In a relationship, usually with people I'm very strict but in relationships, i take a very soft ball approach because I believe relationships should be all about love.. 

I think that I should take out that thinking or fix it before I get into more destructive relationships because that thinking of being this wonderful selfless forgiving loving person in a relationship will end up destroying me. 

And I'm such an introvert. I don't go out and date guys. I remain in my shell mostly. It's men who pull me out of that shell with their love bombing. I hardly even think about love or relationships.. 

I'm just that silent introverted person who likes to keep to herself most of the time. 

The problem is now I don't even like dating men anymore. I don't like rules and regulations.. I'm not that type. I don't like a stage orange mindset. I like to be free, I can be a little bit selfish but not too much, it's hard for me to set rules and boundaries, when I tend to do that I usually feel like saying "fuck this whole shit" because I'm not the type who is going around looking for something I just to be a  free spirit and selfless so when some girlfriend tells me, "see you can do this, or you can do that to test your man" my inner heart reply is usually "who cares, who wants all this drama, why am I here, why do I even need to do all this" I see it as nonsense, for me life has to be either meaningful or nothing. Either love or nothing. 

I already hate materialism so much. I hate the whole market idea. That this whole dating market where you have to be a certain way and then make sure that your partner is a certain way, for me it's again like managing a business or running a relationship like you run a business or transaction, I'm just not that personality, so for me this whole thing becomes uninteresting and selfish. 

I never thought that love had to be a transaction, where we are constantly keeping a tab on each other, sorry I don't want that kind of love, maybe I'm not fit for dating or this whole dating world is very strange to me 

For a person like me life is going to be very difficult. Because I have to force myself into being selfish. I don't see any point in selfishness. Because I never wanted a selfish existence. I had a natural disdain for anything selfish. 

More than low self esteem, what needs fixing is my worldview of relationships and people where I believe in being this wonderful loving angel who does not expect much in return and does not enforce rules or egoic boundaries. 

This happens when I dissolve my ego a lot. That's why I don't believe in uprooting the ego. Having a tiny bit of ego helps me in survival. 

Maybe I can develop my ego a bit to be more selfish, to begin thinking in selfish ways. But it's still hard for me. I don't know how to go about that. 

It's easier for a selfish person to start becoming selfless. It's much harder for a selfless person to become selfish. 

In this cutthroat world where everyone is running for the piece of the pie and narcissism is running rampant a flowery hippie person like me can  feel uncomfortable. How to be like a narcissist when I'm not a narcissist? Because they achieve things whereas I don't have that selfish drive that narcissists have. 

So I will need a lot of training before I am fully ready for relationships and people

I have some shadow around selfishness. I will need some sort of therapy where I am taught to be selfish and think about myself more and organize my life around my survival and not be so flippant all forgiving hippie like person. 

Either I should completely cut off from society and live in a mountain or be in society and learn to be selfish and compete like other people. 

 

 

[Eph75]

@Preety_India There is significant self-deception lurking in the shadows of your posts. It is up to you to spot what that is - a start/clue is to delve deeper into what curve-balls "ego" throws us, and explore how we get decieved by it and in what unthought-of ways it could manifest without us being aware of it going on.

Your reactions are more about you than about others. It always is. And that's where progression lies. Going the other way, expect gridlocks and wild goose-chases. 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Eph75

[Preety_India]

@Eph75  you're speaking using a lot of metaphorical language. 

That's why I'm not understanding what you're really trying to say. 

Could be my English language problem. 

Maybe say the same things in a simpler way. 

[Preety_India]

 

@Gesundheit I'm very thankful to you. You helped me understand what dynamic was going wrong in the relationship. 

[Gesundheit]

11 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Same story bro 

What's your life purpose? 

Focusing on LP (aka self-love) seems like the only way out...

Time heals everything + a good 10 day retreat made most of the progress for me. I hardly think about her anymore. Although, I did meet a couple other girls, it helped me see through the illusion of perfection that I thought she was. I mean she's great, I still think so. But now I'm more like whatever. If it was meant to be it would have been.

I am currently seeking the ultimate enlightenment. Been lazy in the past few days but yeah still on the path.

Good luck. Don't give up. Try doing something different that can bring you out of your current state of mind. It can really help you if you can create a shift in your awareness, which will detach you temporarily, which you can then extend and use as a stepping stone for breaking free.

@Preety_India You're most welcome anytime.

Edited November 18, 2020 by Gesundheit

[Eph75]

@Preety_India Sorry for that 

For example:

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

More than low self esteem, what needs fixing is my worldview of relationships and people where I believe in being this wonderful loving angel who does not expect much in return and does not enforce rules or egoic boundaries. 

This happens when I dissolve my ego a lot.

This happens because the ego is strong/limiting.

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Maybe I can develop my ego a bit to be more selfish, to begin thinking in selfish ways. But it's still hard for me. I don't know how to go about that. 

Instead, this will happen when the ego is deconstructed/not posing limitations.

The only selfish act would be setting ones actual needs aside to try to fulfill the pathological needs of ones ego. 

No (i.e. less dominant) ego results in no feeling of selfishness, no judgement against self nor others, no sense of nor lack of self-importance, no victim-hood. And, no limitations in helping others.

Taking above into account, demonizing "him" is strong ego acting out, by upholding self-importance, in various ways, even though it means stuck with suffering.

On 2020-11-16 at 7:43 PM, Preety_India said:

"why did he lie to me?" 

"why did he cheat on me?" 

"why did he treat me so badly?" 

"how could he hurt me so much and still say that he loved me?" 

"what did I do to deserve such mistreatment and unfairness?" 

"why did he use me and pretend like he really was loving me?" 

"how could he hurt me and still say that he cares about me, which means that he never cared about me?" 

"why hurt me so much and why such deception, could have let me go by being honest?" "why not simply tell the truth and let me go?" 

"why did he manipulate me and play such games and hurt me with his games?" 

"I loved him so much and did so much for him, how could he not care about me at all and then claim that he really cared?" 

"how and why did I trust a man so much and let him hurt me?" 

Reading this block, the only thing it says is "to me?", "on me?", "me so badly?", "hurt me/loved me?", "unfair", "use me", "care about me", "hurt me", "manipulate me", "not cared about me", "hurt me?"

Strong ego makes this replay over and over again, reliving the past in the now by exercising the thoughts which means reliving the pain and suffering over and over again, while maintaining ego self-importance - again - even though that is irrational and through suffering.

It's not the idea of "him" that you need to let go of. It is something in you that you need to come to terms with, and let that go. That "something" lives in the stories about "you" that happen to include "him".

This may seem counter intuitive, but it's not.

Reality as you experience it is created, and happening in you. The stories made up is created by you. The emotional attachments and triggers are in you.

None of this is with "him", regardless of what he actually did to you.

This might not be helpful to you, where you are right now, but considering the amount of work that you are putting into yourself in your self-actualization, I assume working towards awakening and some day enlightenment, I hope that it will be enough to start to unravel what it is inside yourself keeping you stuck.

"He" is distraction, and thinking that "he" is the problem is what is trapping you.

If "he" isn't "it", then what is "it" and how can you shift focus to "that"? That's the key to the paradigm shift that you need.

Whatever that is, it is "you" and can be released with realizing self-love.

Edited November 18, 2020 by Eph75

[Preety_India]

@Eph75 @Eph75  but I had a relationship with him. 

 

[Eph75]

@Preety_India Yes, of course. Yet, the nature of the emotional attachment to beliefs/ideas of how things should be and play out dictate how you perceive the happenings in any given scenario.

Assume something happens, that is "bad", here are two possible scenarios:

- Scenario 1: the ego has created limitations that make things that happen appear to "happen to you" , leaving you a victim to circumstances and with a sense of powerlessness. That story is about you, and the bad things that happened to you. And, a feeling that there's nothing you can do about this.

- Scenario 2: the ego is not/less involved, things that happen just "happen". It wasn't specifically about you, there was no elaborate plan to do "bad" against you or do you wrong. It happened, there were circumstances and reasons that made it happen, and you were absolutely there and a part of it, but it didn't happen "to you". And, you don't become a victim under those circumstances, you may remain powerful. That's the story that prevails.

These two scenarios carry two very different stories that will impose very different effects on you.

Some people get crushed by things happening to them, they struggle, maybe even give up, maybe for the rest of their lives.

Other people strangely grow and exit stronger, with a sense of having become "reborn", even though what happened was "bad" or worse.

Quote

"What does not kill us makes us stronger."

The outcome is depending on ones ego limitations. What he did, you can't change, what happened did happen. How the ego dictate the story, that is something you can own. So the choice to make the story different is within your power.

An interesting thing with stories and perspective shifts, is that they do change the past.

The past is residing in your thoughts, and the thoughts are in the present. Changing your stories and shifting perspectives changes the meaning of the happenings of the past. What happened still happened, but the meaning carried by what happened can dramatically change.

That power is inside you.

And who knows, maybe at some point, when the narratives have changes, and perspectives have shifted, there can be true loving forgiveness, and letting go, even of "him".

Edited November 18, 2020 by Eph75

[Julia Su]

@Preety_India Hello my dear!

I just read your post and feel compelled to share some thoughts with you!

First of all, I think it's so great and courageous to share this here in the forum and seek for support! A breakup can feel like a death so it makes sense that amongst all the pain also suicidal thoughts may come up! 

Feeling pain might not be pleasant, but it's your doorway to healing. I've read that you asked yourself the question of why you were treated in an abusive way. And I think we tend to make it all about ourselves sometimes, thinking that we are treated a certain way, because we don't deserve better or so.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect, yet subconsciously you might believe something else because of past experiences. So that might be something for you to contemplate on: "How am I used to being treated?" (old patterns) vs "How do I wish to be treated?" (conscious vision). It takes a while and some practice for a new pattern to be installed and for us to accept the love that we wish.

I love to hear that you feel that sense of unconditional love, because this is actually your doorway to healing. It's not bad to think about your ex, and you don't need to push those thoughts away. Imagine if you could use those thoughts as a guidance system to open your heart, experience unconditional love AND realize that it is WITHIN you. You just project it onto your ex when you think about him. But if you look closer it's your love and the way you look at him in YOUR mind.

I used to judge myself for the thoughts that were coming up for me during or after a breakup, then later I let the thoughts come and used my intuition to guide me: Why are they coming up? What is the lesson I need to learn? What's love's perspective?

It helped me to remove (self-) judgment, feel love again, be myself and realize who I want to be from that energy + envision what relationship I'd actually love to create. 

There are tons of wisdom that you can pull from all experiences, you are exactly where you need to be and your ex is on his own unique journey. I hope my words can help you in some way and I am curious to read how your process will unfold!

I am sending you tons of virtual hugs

Julia