Obsessive Thinking About Relationship I'm In - Need Advice

[VictorB02]

Hi everyone. I'm writing this post because I honestly feel so stuck in my head, stuck in repetitive thoughts, and stuck on a loop when it comes to the relationship I'm in.

To preface: I met and dated this girl back in the beginning of 2020 and now we have been together for around 7 months.

I made some needy/clingy mistakes in the beginning which led me to watching hundreds and hundreds of videos on attraction, relationships, etc. I basically got sucked into a worm hole on how to improve myself with women because I regretted things I did. I became obsessed - watching these attraction and relationship videos day in and day out for hours. I learned a lot - but one really big problem now:

I'm constantly analyzing every single thing I do around her, and if its "beta" or "alpha". I'm constantly thinking about our last interaction and what I said and loop it in my mind, or what she said and loop it in my mind. I have fears and insecurities like everyone else in a relationship, but sometimes my mind plays movies on these fears for hours and hours non stop. 

I've found it very hard to focus on my purpose, I've found it very hard to find peace when I'm not with her - in fact I only feel good when she is right in front of me, because I know there is no problems in those moments, they are filled with laughter and joy, and we have a great time. But as soon as I leave the thoughts bombard me. 

Any advice? What can I do? I really love this girl and she is interested in personal development, spirituality, inner child healing, etc... and she is aware of my fears, attachments, and my past trauma - so nothing is really hid from her. But still I face this problem with myself where it feels like I can't just chill out when I'm alone or not with her. I am aware of codependency, and attachments. But Jesus Christ, I just want to chill out for a sec. 

My goal is just to be able to enjoy myself, and be at peace when I'm not with her just as much as when I am with her. 

Any advice or comments is greatly appreciated. Thank you

[No Self]

One of the tragedies of these situations is that women often feel the most attraction to men who don't give a damn about pleasing them. (This is surely the essence of all the dating advice stuff?) For men who do care, there can be absolute hell to go through - putting in an extreme effort and then being rejected, cheated on or whatever. Surely this is one of the harshest lessons in life for men.

My best advice is to focus on spirituality and deep meditation, with the goal of finding out what is really true about your essence. If this is the most important thing for you, the outside world - even relationships - will fade in importance. As a bonus, this will benefit the relationship (or help you to cope if for any reason it does not last a lifetime) but more importantly it will prevent a lot of suffering regardless of which direction life takes.

[F A B]

As long as you are on your purpose, respect and love yourself, then you don't need to listen that stuff.

[Potato People King]

From what you have written, I assume that you are basically fearful that she will end the relationship one day and that she will end it because of some "mistake" on you side.

Seems like you have developed some automatic thinking patterns and when they get triggered, that is when the fear of losing her arises, you start obsessing, battling your negative thoughts, imagining situations etc.

It also seems, that she really likes you, because she spends time with you, laugh with you etc. You have been together for 7 months (don't know if you live together or not).

First thing is, challenge your negative thougts. Try use your mind differently - instead of obsessing for hours about how everything is going to go down, focus on the positive - the good moments you spend together, the nice relationship you are creating... Basically consciously think positive about you and your relationship with her for 5, 10 minutes a day. Create a movie in your head involving you and her and how everything is great. The reason for that is to replace the negative thoughts and feelings associated with them. Don't watch horror movies in your head all the time.

Second thing, but not less important, you have to accept that the relationship may not last forever and one day the good days can end. Look, you are who you are. You have your positive side, negative side (which are also relative but I am leaving this aside for now :-)) so does she. Just be yourself- she will like it or won't, no big deal. She is not the only girl in the world and you are not the only boy in the world. Know the song "Fool If You Think Its Over" by Chris Rea? Even if you too break up for any reason you cannot even fathom right now, you will just go on. And maybe find somebody even "better suited" for you and your personality... Who knows? Have a little faith in the universe :-)

PS: I don't want to say you stop caring about what you do or how you behave. I just feel from your post that you are probably extremely overthinking the relationship, harnessing lots of negative thoughts and probably too attached to it, which cause you problems.

PPS: This is not a very detailed answer and could be more nunanced, but if you want to go more deeper or work on your traumas, better to visit a licensed therapist anyway.

Cheers

[VictorB02]

 

16 hours ago, No Self said:

One of the tragedies of these situations is that women often feel the most attraction to men who don't give a damn about pleasing them. (This is surely the essence of all the dating advice stuff?) For men who do care, there can be absolute hell to go through - putting in an extreme effort and then being rejected, cheated on or whatever. Surely this is one of the harshest lessons in life for men.

My best advice is to focus on spirituality and deep meditation, with the goal of finding out what is really true about your essence. If this is the most important thing for you, the outside world - even relationships - will fade in importance. As a bonus, this will benefit the relationship (or help you to cope if for any reason it does not last a lifetime) but more importantly it will prevent a lot of suffering regardless of which direction life takes.

Thank you for your reply

12 hours ago, F A B said:

As long as you are on your purpose, respect and love yourself, then you don't need to listen that stuff.

Thank you. I feel like the simpler I make it the better I feel in my mind.

 

11 hours ago, Potato People King said:

From what you have written, I assume that you are basically fearful that she will end the relationship one day and that she will end it because of some "mistake" on you side.

Seems like you have developed some automatic thinking patterns and when they get triggered, that is when the fear of losing her arises, you start obsessing, battling your negative thoughts, imagining situations etc.

It also seems, that she really likes you, because she spends time with you, laugh with you etc. You have been together for 7 months (don't know if you live together or not).

First thing is, challenge your negative thougts. Try use your mind differently - instead of obsessing for hours about how everything is going to go down, focus on the positive - the good moments you spend together, the nice relationship you are creating... Basically consciously think positive about you and your relationship with her for 5, 10 minutes a day. Create a movie in your head involving you and her and how everything is great. The reason for that is to replace the negative thoughts and feelings associated with them. Don't watch horror movies in your head all the time.

Second thing, but not less important, you have to accept that the relationship may not last forever and one day the good days can end. Look, you are who you are. You have your positive side, negative side (which are also relative but I am leaving this aside for now :-)) so does she. Just be yourself- she will like it or won't, no big deal. She is not the only girl in the world and you are not the only boy in the world. Know the song "Fool If You Think Its Over" by Chris Rea? Even if you too break up for any reason you cannot even fathom right now, you will just go on. And maybe find somebody even "better suited" for you and your personality... Who knows? Have a little faith in the universe :-)

PS: I don't want to say you stop caring about what you do or how you behave. I just feel from your post that you are probably extremely overthinking the relationship, harnessing lots of negative thoughts and probably too attached to it, which cause you problems.

PPS: This is not a very detailed answer and could be more nunanced, but if you want to go more deeper or work on your traumas, better to visit a licensed therapist anyway.

Cheers

Thank you. spot on. I am always overthinking the relationship in a negative way. Your reply is filled with a lot of truth and I appreciate that. I'm going to take your advice and visualize positively my relationship. I'm sure that will help me. Thank you.

[F A B]

1 hour ago, VictorB02 said:

I feel like the simpler I make it the better I feel in my mind.

Yes, me too my friend ?

[Raze]

look up symptoms for co-dependant/compensatory narcissism and if that sounds like you talk to a psychologist

[Origins]

@VictorB02 We're all just people, really contemplate this and reinforce your own lessons learned from this reflection whenever you need to and you'll be right as rain. Folk are highly imaginative and as sentimentality increases, correlated with oxytocin, depending on the level of false ideas around romance leaning towards over saturated Hollywood romance, the greater the truth distortion in ones own mind. Most have been screwed up by Hollywood plus news media around that and most people haven't done what I said which means this problem is seen as normal when it's highly dysfunctional to both oneself and others. 

A relationship based in truth, love and honesty isn't going to have the problems you describe because the falsity I've described doesn't sabotage the love and the honesty. 

See all those crazed people at Trump rallies including the people dogmatically railing against Trump? They're all suffering from the same problems you've described just in a different way. This is the problem when imagination isn't paired with understanding, seeking falsity in ones ideas and grounding oneself in the present moment combined with an honest look at the patterns of history. The imagination is such a huge subject that hasn't been properly broached on its own merits in the context of how it overlaps with so many of our positive qualities but also our negative qualities.

It also sounds like you're not worrying enough about your own position in the relationship, this I'd relate to in part a lack of self honesty and self love, I mean what you're doing is great here you're reaching out to get feedback and ideally that's the better part of yourself looking after yourself of which I'd keep on encouraging, but keep checking into yourself about your life situation centred on you entirely and what you want. A relationship is a two-way street. 

Someone with an anxious attachment style which I'm pegging you may have can become a more secure attachment style with training and care for themselves, though don't judge yourself here, its all a matter of the development path we've been on to date. I'd look into the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller if you're interested, also discovering your own attachment style with your partner might be something you'd like to do together.

Though, judging by your tone it sounds like you feel uncomfortable sharing different things with your partner still so maybe only do what you feel is right here. I totally get that there may always be things you feel uncomfortable discussing with your partner, and sometimes that's important to maintaining a certain dynamic in the relationship, while at the same time of course in order to foster the best attributes of compatibility honesty is really important, it also shows that we're prepared to receive the love for the things we share and are prepared to face the truth however it may bare as a consequence of being totally upfront. Be intelligent about this though of course, recognise where you are in your growth and set your sights strategically on where you want to be in the future and move here incrementally. 

All the best and at the end of the day, this is all your business and what you do is none of ours.

Edited November 17, 2020 by Origins

[KaRzual]

It's good that you recognize that the problem isn't outside of you - it's inside. Exactly speaking inside your mind. Keep focus during the day and try to not get lost in the thoughts. 

[VictorB02]

On 11/16/2020 at 10:59 PM, Raze said:

look up symptoms for co-dependant/compensatory narcissism and if that sounds like you talk to a psychologist

Thank you, I will.

 

@Origins

thank you so much. That answer really really helped me. I'm going to look into that book as well.

What do you mean "not worrying enough about your own position in the relationship"? Do you mean I'm just way too focused on her, and none of my energy is going towards myself, what I want, what I need, and loving myself? Is that what you mean?

 

 

2 hours ago, KaRzual said:

It's good that you recognize that the problem isn't outside of you - it's inside. Exactly speaking inside your mind. Keep focus during the day and try to not get lost in the thoughts. 

Thank you.

[arlin]

Who did you learn that love is unsafe from?

Usually this remings me of abandoment fear. All stuff related to childhood,you know.